When I’m in the snack aisle, I never pass up a new flavor of Doritos. It’s a wonder how a shiny bag of tortilla chips can give me tunnel vision. I dread making trips to the grocery store so I welcome any glimpse of a product never before seen by my eyes. If it’s a new character that has it’s own fruit snack or a new kids cereal, either way I usually get all wrapped up in the moment.
After stockpiling boxes of Wheatables, my latest obsession, I was stopped in my tracks like I was in quicksand (or quickmud if you’ve seen Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!) I scanned the shelves of chips and came to a mysterious black bag. This was a variety of Doritos that I’ve never seen before. The front of the bag read “The Quest: Guessing the Flavor is just the Beginning.” As soon as I got home I had to rip into the bag. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I buy something new at the store I feel like I wish I could just open up my stomach and put the stuff inside rather than having to go through all the work of chewing and swallowing. Sometimes all those steps waste valuable time.
After the official first sniff, I threw the first chip in my mouth. They had a fairly sweet, but semi-radioactive odor. When the chip first hit my mouth I thought they were trying to replicate the taste I get in my mouth when I drive on the N.J Turnpike, which is pretty much what raw sewage and toxic chemicals would taste like. I’m exaggerating a little bit of course, but they didn’t taste good at all. What did I do? Did I throw the entire bag away? Heck no, I did what we all do…I kept shoveling them down even though they sucked ass. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be a Spicy Lime chip, which in my mind is completely off the wall. I’m a huge fan of Lime Gatorade Rain but it stops there. Perhaps a lime in my Gin and Tonic but anything further than that is unnecessary. Bud Light Lime? C’mon
! Nowadays it seems everything but my toothpaste is lime flavored. I can’t say I enjoy my Dorito chips with a dusting of Lime powder. Not a fan. I blame Corona for putting Limes over big time.
This whole gimmick reminded me of last year when Doritos came out with a mystery flavor that tasted like Cheeseburgers in a similar black bag. What the heck are they thinking? You’re supposed to wager a guess at their site Snack Strong Productions. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if they announced that the last flavor was actually Cheeseburger but it sure as hell tasted like it. (Ok..I just checked Wikipedia, and I WAS F’n RIGHT!) Why should we have to guess the shitty flavor their food flavoring geniuses came up with if they don’t even plan on giving us the answer. I wasted time logging onto their lame site to play the game but I couldn’t figure it out. Then again, contrary to popular belief, I have a life. Rather than sitting there trying to type in random flavor guesses I opted to write an entry about how crappy the mystery flavor was. Now that’s productive! Are they too scared to come up with a definitive flavor and put it out on shelves? Is it just me or were there better Dorito flavors in the ’80s? I’m sure these silly “guess the flavor” limited editions will last as long as the Salsa Rio flavor. RIP Salsa Rio! I Miss you!