NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 18: Wildwood Part 1

Planet Spaceball ran out of air, but it doesn’t seem likely that I’ll ever run out of tacky, Jersey related t-shirts to discuss here on NJ T-Shirt Tuesday. I was literally bombarded by a barrage of terrible new tees during my recent trip to Wildwood. Much like the upcoming Autumn harvest promises to yield plentiful crops, this trip has provided me with copious fodder which I know you’ll enjoy, or at the very least snicker at.
You’ll notice a theme running through the next few T-Shirt Tuesday posts and its NEON! Yes folks, apparently everything you’ve heard about the Jersey Shore is 100% TRUE. It’s still the early ’90s there. I can tell you first hand that shops on the Wildwood boardwalk have not evolved passed 1993. It’s hard to miss the bright colors splashed all over every sweatshirt, hoodie, tank, wife beater, and t-shirt you see hanging on the racks as you stroll down the boardwalk. Without a doubt this is pretty strange, but my purpose in life is to bring you this pressing information. If you’re in Alaska reading this (which apparently there are quite a few of you), you may be wondering to yourself “I’ll never get to the Jersey Shore, but I’d love to know just how gaudy it really is.” See folks, I am actually providing a service. Read on for more insight on these terrible t-shirts.
My woman noticed the “GIRLS GONE WILD WOOD” tee, which is quintessential NJ T-Shirt Tuesday material. Aside from it’s riff on the Girls Gone Wild DVD series, its obvious they couldn’t resist making the fonts as bright as possible. Honestly though, I feel that this T-Shirt really speaks to me. It says “I’M LOOKING AT ASHLEY DUPRE’S TITS WHILE EATING FRUIT LOOPS AND LISTENING TO KID ‘N PLAY.”
If you’re not blinded by the bright splotchy colors you’ll notice that the second shirt is clearly inspired by expressionist painter Jackson Pollock. When you’re creating shirts to be sold on the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, it’s a no brainer to let yourself be inspired by great abstract artists of our time. When the fat guy with ragged cut off jeans, greasy hair, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and a big gulp mug full of beer walks by that store, he’s definitely going to pick up on the Pollock homage immediately. I can see him now holding it up in all of its glory, cigarette tucked between two fingers as he points at the shirt and his other hand holds the hangar, “‘Dat wood look grate on my old lady…dont’cha tink?” The Jersey Girl shirt gets people every time. When the late ’40s overly tan mommy from Staten Island passes by with her two obnoxious kids, she nearly has a heart attack at the sight of the shirt, “…OH…MOI…GAWD…look sweety! Don’t yew LOVE dis, awwww yew would look soooo cute in dis t-shut!!!” The language mutilation is no exaggeration. FAW REAL!
This tank top is a party unto itself. And what a steal it is. At only $3.99 this amazing “Jersey Girl: Wildwood” tank top includes every color in the spectrum and it will send you straight into convulsions if you stare at it too long. **WARNING** Please don’t try this at home because then some asshole will sue me. Ah, who cares if they do…they’d only make enough to buy 3 tank tops at the Wildwood Boardwalk!