jersey devil Archives - Page 4 of 4

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.10: What NOT to Watch This Halloween: Dark Ride

Posted on October 14, 2008 by sexyarmpit

I should’ve known that any movie the Sci-Fi Channel airs that’s not an established classic usually sucks ass. I wish I would’ve watched their presentation of After Dark Films 8 Films to Die For: Dark Ride (2006) before I unwittingly purchased the DVD.

Clearly a poor attempt at copying the Asbury Park Icon, Tillie

I admit I was enticed by hearing that there was finally a horror movie about a Dark Ride. Who doesn’t love Dark Rides? If it was up to me, when you walk into my condo you’re automatically invited onto a boat and take a dark ride through the place. The only catch is that the only way to get around the condo is to take the dark ride. I’d wake up in the morning with my pajamas on and my eyes half shut and take the boat over to the bathroom. I’d do my thing, wash my face, and then hop on again over to the kitchen for breakfast as I narrowly escape some robotic monsters trying to kill me. What? It’s time to go to work? This boat is damn slow and we aren’t even passed the walking corpses and the Pinhead animatronic display! I hope I make it to the front door in time! I know, I know…keep my feet and hands in the ride at all times. Forget that, we can do it cartoon style and I wouldn’t even have to take a real shower anymore. I’d hop on the boat and have water jets and soap spray me down after I go through the Dr. Satan exhibit. Shit, I may as well make the upstairs into a fountain of youth ride. Anything’s possible in dark rides, except for making a good movie about them.

Now that’s acting!

Jamie Lynn Sigler was the real grabber for me in this one. I think her performance would’ve resonated more if she video conferenced all her scenes in from her bedroom at home. Her work on The Sopranos is masterful and glorious compared to the hack job she turned in on this film. What a mess! I’m usually a fan of really bad movies like this one, especially of the horror genre, but so much of this movie let me down. It seems like the casting folks on this film tried to get Sigler because of her eternal connection to her starring role as the daughter of a mob boss from New Jersey.

Now that’s acting!

Being a lifelong native of New Jersey, I was excited to see that the movie was based in Asbury Park. The dark ride itself was in a haunted house on the boardwalk. One dark and spooky night a bunch of “meddling kids” broke into the attraction to pull a prank on Jamie Lynn Sigler’s cheating boyfriend. But as it turns out, there’s a killer on the loose that lives inside the Dark Ride! How much more dull can we be here? The male stars are actually the better actors in the film and that isn’t saying much.

Now that’s acting!

Oh, and if you thought I was too harsh on Sigler’s performance, you have no clue what you’re in for with David Clayton Rogers performance. Here’s another idiot that thinks he’ll get further in his career if he has 2 first names. This kid redefines that old addage “don’t quit your day job.” Before he decided to become an actor I heard he would sneak into public ladies rooms and steal the money out of tampon machines. What a dick! That money benefits autistic children, doesn’t he know that? Despitef his previous career as a complete loser, someone actually let him be an actor. The fact that Hollywood is still letting him practice this craft is completely beyond me. I hope and pray to the Gods of Film that I never have to witness an atrocity such as David Clayton Rogers ever again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish anything bad to happen to him, I just wish that he would realize he sucks and try his luck at another career. Isn’t there a Jack in the Box or a Carl’s Jr. you can work at?

OK, I feel like I’m being too harsh. Dark Ride does have some redeemable qualities but what stunk most about this film is that it could’ve been so much more. Being from Jersey, I was blessed with some of the best haunted houses and dark rides ever. Take Castle Dracula in Wildwood or the haunted castle at Six Flags Great Adventure for instance would make great stories. Because of lame producers, filmmakers are constantly dumbing things down. This movie is not one that a fanboy, or an X-E fan would enjoy.

After feeling guilty that they didn’t film in Jersey,

they flew their film crew to quickly take some footage of Asbury Park and The Stone Pony

Why didn’t the producers hire Weird NJ to hop on as consultants? Let’s talk urban legends, local myths, etc. Any film about the Jersey Devil has sucked and now they’re sucking any coolness out of dark rides from Jersey as well! C’mon…The Jersey Shore used to be famous for it’s haunted houses! It’s interesting to note that the majority of this movie wasn’t even filmed in New Jersey, but in Los Angeles and at the Santa Monica Pier. That’s most likely because it’s so damn expensive to film in Jersey.

Horror Freak from Oregon on IMDB claims that he didn’t see the twist at the end coming at all. I think he may just be completely out of his mind. This was the most predictable movie, possibly as predictable as a Full House episode. I hate this movie so much, if I keep writing about it, I don’t think I’m ever going to want to blog again. So in an attempt to save my hobby from the clutches of the evil movie Dark Ride, my little boat ride stops here.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 3: Extreme Ghostbusters “The Jersey Devil Made Me Do It”

Posted on August 29, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Living without any form of Ghostbusters for the last 11 years has been difficult. Even though Extreme Ghosbusters didn’t feature the original team, it was good enough for me just to know that some variety of Ghostbusters was still being created. I used to miss the episodes though because they aired at a period of time when I was taking advantage of sleeping past 9 or 10 AM on the weekends.
The Sexy Armpit hails The Extreme Ghostbusters episode “The Jersey Devil Made Me Do It.” It’s a mystery to me why their hasn’t been a big budget horror film based off the Jersey Devil, our local legend. There’s been a few movies (Last Broadcast, 13th Child, and Satan’s Playground) based off the Jersey Devil and loads of books and documentaries but not much else. Growing up in New Jersey, and knowing this creature haunted the Pine Barrens in South Jersey for hundreds of years, pretty much scared the crap out of us all when were were kids.
In this Extreme G.B episode, the gang is on a trip to a paranormal conference in Atlantic City. The crew mentions they are in the “middle of nowhere,” which is pretty much accurate since that’s how it feels when you’re riding through the Pine Barrens on your way to A.C. They paint South Jersey to pretty much be a hicksville and that’s basically what it is. If you’re visiting parts of South Jersey that aren’t located near the shore, it feels like the in-bred mutants from the movie Wrong Turn are going to come out of nowhere and try to eat you. The town they reference in the episode, “Hanover,” is actually in North Jersey. Even though the Ghostbusters were traveling from New York, they wouldn’t head all the way to Hanover to go all the way down to A.C. They probably just used the name for the episode.
And YES, there’s more to the Jersey Devil than just “the hockey team.” According to the episode the Jersey Devil is “…Jersey’s most famous native after that Springsteen kid…” Regardless of his fame they should’ve kept his appearance under wraps for a little while longer. We get to see what he looks like right from the start of the episode. How about a shot of his tail, then later a glimpse of his wing? The Devil’s appearance was freaky but it was too large and overly demonic looking. Also, most of the legends would describe him as unable to fly well, even though many accounts said that he did have wings. It wasn’t as if he was always in flight, he did more of a jump with some occasional wing flapping. Not that I know from experience or anything! The Jersey Devil in this episode looked more like a mix of a dragon and a pig or rhinoceros.
I haven’t watched this series since it first aired in ’97 and it just made me more anxious for a Ghostbusters series. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the PS3 game! Be sure to listen for a callback to Venkman in the first Ghostbusters movie: “Nice Shooting Tex.” Oh and in case you were wondering, Janine Melnitz wasn’t as hot in the Extreme Ghostbusters series.

NJ to the World: “We Apologize for Breeding the Jonas Brothers”

Posted on August 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Throughout time the world has seen a shitload of carnage, but none of it is comparable to the fact that The Jonas Brothers exist.

These dumb-haired, overly preppy, Miley Cyrus bangers could possibly be the most pretentious trio ever to exist. Even though they appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone, they’re the antithesis of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The world needs some danger and these guys are not helping the cause. Shame on Rolling Stone for selling out! Sure I get it, R.S wanted all the parents to make a mad run to the news stand to horde several copies for each of their tweens.

The Jonas Brothers are from Wykoff, N.J (median income: $103,614) which is one of the ritzier towns in New Jersey. For this I apologize. It’s probable that these guys lived a sheltered, spoon fed upbringing. These guys lack edge now but when they get a little older and realize that Hollywood is treating them like yesterdays garbage then the drugs and depression will set in. We’ll see how cheerful, positive, and family friendly they remain after they can’t even get into certain restaurants that even Andy Dick gets rez’s at. Some people thought The Two Corey’s were down and out but A&E still gave them a reality show so the Jonas Brothers shouldn’t lose all hope. Oh wait I forgot, The Two Corey’s was cancelled. Let’s face it, NKOTB seem dark and brooding compared to the Jonas brothers.

The Jonas Brothers are an absolutely awful representation of what it means to be from New Jersey. In fact, these guys may as well have been born in Virginia because they’re rich, spoiled kids who didn’t even attend public school. The Jonas Brothers were home schooled. I’ve always found that the home schooled kids have parents who are so egotistical that they think they could do a better job teaching their children than an entire staff of qualified, intelligent, professional educators. Something tells me the reason why towns and cities employ a full staff of administrators and teachers is so parents don’t have to take on the huge burden themselves.

Were the Jon”ass” brothers parents so afraid of what is out there? Did they think their soft, effeminate, blessed Brothers Jonass were going to get made fun of or be mauled by the Jersey Devil? I sure as hell know that these 3 would’ve been eaten alive if they went to my middle school or high school. Something tells me that the Jonas family thought that the outside world would lead the Jonas brothers down the wrong path. In actuality, it’s the rich, overly religious folks that WE need to be scared of. Want evidence? Just look at their offspring!

Read the following interesting tidbits from the Jonas Brothers’ WIKIPEDIA entry:

Personal lives
The Jonas’s are known for their wholesome, family-friendly image. The brothers are all committed Evangelical Christians, their father is a former pastor, and they were homeschooled by their mother. In addition, they all famously wear purity rings on
their left-hand ring finger and have vowed not to have premarital sex. Joe has said that the rings symbolize “a promise to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure ’till marriage,” and Nick had stated that “it’s [purity rings] pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there.” They started wearing the rings when their parents, Denise and Kevin Sr., asked them if they wanted to.[60]
They also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and drugs.[61]

Philanthropy
The Jonas Brothers earned about $12 million in 2007, and have donated 10% of their
earnings to their charity, Change for the Children Foundation.[62][63]

Purity Rings? Puh-lease! I can almost see it, years from now they’ll be bribing paparazzi to take pictures of them. The Sexy Armpit to the Jonas Brothers: “Grow some f–king balls, you’re from NEW JERSEY you pansies!” How do you expect us to uphold our reputation when you’re putting on “prom themed” concerts? I wonder if these guys have ever experienced anything real? My prescription to them is to sit in 3 hours of gridlock N.J traffic and then get into a fight just because you feel like it. After I give you all swift kicks in the stomach, then perhaps you could steal a 40, shave your heads, and stop being so freaking lame.