SPECIAL EDITION: Dreaming of Death on 287

Last night I had a dream where I died. It wasn’t the typical “death dream” where you see yourself in a coffin at your own funeral. In this one I was still living here on earth as a spirit watching over how the situations of my life were changing without me. It was morbid and bizarre, but strangely cool. Today I thought of reasons why I might have had this type of dream. I’m sure it’s possible that I’m looking for ways out of certain facets of my life. But it’s more probable that my daily commute on 287 is to blame.

I think I must have a death wish. It’s purely a miracle I’m still alive. When I’m in that big 287 in the sky, (which is actually known as 280-Heaven) I know for a fact I won’t be driving a PT Cruiser or a Taurus. I actually drove in front of a PT Cruiser today that was labeled TOURING EDITION? WTF makes it a “Touring Edition?” If I’m about to tour the great highways of the United States I sure as hell ain’t gonna be choosing a PT Cruiser Touring Edition for my ride and I don’t care how much you pimp it. I also won’t be picking the defunct Taurus which for some reason I’ve seen the occasional black souped up Ford Taurus driving on 287 as of late. I can’t fathom this. Perhaps you’ve inherited your grandfather’s old beat up Taurus and you wanted to be Xhibit for the day. You soup it up and slap a paint job on it, but the fact of the matter is: You’re driving around in a mid 90’s low ridin’ FORD TAURUS!!! Oh yeah I forgot to throw in the 2 most special letters to the owner, SE. Special Edition, bitch! They will not let you live down that they own a special edition vehicle because it makes THEM feel special. For instance this conversation that I had at work the other day:

JAY: So Wally, what kind of car are you driving around lately?
TAURUS OWNER: A fuckin’ pimped out 1992 Ford Muthafuckin’ Taurus yo…Special Edition!
JAY: Ohhh fuck here we go with the friggin’ Special Edition bullshit. Does your Taurus come with a ton of extras and a ‘making of’ documentary? You know what Wally? Go fuck yourself and your Special Edition cause I know some guy Gary who has a mad phat TOURING EDITION PT CRUISER!!! Top that you freakin’ whacko.
TAURUS OWNER: Oh daaaammmn son, I don’t think I can top it. That’s pretty fucking killer shit, yo. I heard they are super rare! They are like mad dough son! Something like 14 g’s! Even if I sold my sleek special edition ride, I doubt I would have that kinda scratch!

SO back to the matter at hand. Occasionally a song comes on the Ipod in my car that even I might get embarrassed of having. I always wondered if I was to die in a car accident on 287 what song would be playing? I hope for some reason that it’s not NKOTB, but Hangin’ Tough is pretty badass to die to. They really put me in a trance with that Funky song. In all seriousness, here is a list of songs from my Ipod that I wouldn’t want to die to because
with the Ipod’s shuffle feature you never know what’s gonna pop up next. Fate could play a cruel joke. You never know when Gwen Stefani will decide to become a New Jersey State Trooper patrolling 287. Think of how turned off she might be if she found me all bloodied with my car smashed up and the ipod/radio still intact blasting Debarge’s “Rhythm of the Night”?? I wouldn’t want her thoughts of me to be that of a pansy ass guy who has Johnny Gill’s “Rub You the Right Way” on his Ipod.

Songs that I hope aren’t playing on my ipod if I ever die in a car accident on 287:
Among others… in no specific order

1) Out for the Count – Winger
2) Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!
3) The Hustle – Van McCoy
4) Burn in Hell – Twisted Sister
5) Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
6) Dancing in Heaven – Q- Feel (From the Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun Soundtrack)
7) Point of No Return – Nu Shooz
8) I’ll be There – Jimi Jamison (the Baywatch theme)
9) Candy – Mandy Moore
10) She Works Hard for the Money – Donna Summer
11) Butterfly – Crazy Town
12) Kyrie – Mr. Mister
13) Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
14) The Neutron Dance – The Pointer Sisters
15) According to Our New Arrivals (Mr. Belvedere Theme) – Leon Redbone

Which songs would you NOT want playing during your 287 demise?