Earlier, I was taking a shower and the air creeping over the curtain and down into my nostrils smelt like Woolworth’s in Menlo Park mall circa ’84. Sometimes I get the whiff of Cheese Nips, other times it’s the scent of hotel pools or convenience stores. I’m a scent connoisseur. Usually I perceive and recognize smells extremely fast. I may not be able to run a 7 minute mile, but I can definitely tell if the odor that’s wafting our way reminds me of Bugles. Bugles might not even be in the vicinity but there’s a definite Bugle-esque bouquet in the air. Through the years several factors have helped shape my keen ability to identify the spectrum of scents.
I don’t think I would’ve grown up to be as well adjusted as I am if it wasn’t for spending my youth sniffing the purple pie man. Strawberry Shortcake action figures were known for luring young girls in the toy aisle using their enchanting aroma. If I was over a friends house that happened to be a girl, I would sneak sniffs of the purple pie man like it was an asthma inhaler. He made such an impression on me that I’ve made “Sniffing the purple pie man” into an everyday phrase. Sometimes you need to stop and sniff the purple pie man. It’ll relax you when you’re stressed and it brings you back to the fun times when all you had to do was play with toys.
My childhood also wouldn’t have been the same if Stinkor and Moss Man didn’t smell the way they did. It’s similar to hearing a story from a senior citizen about how simple life was when they were young. Life was easier and there wasn’t much technology to keep you working at home on your laptop and getting calls and emails on your blackberry 47 times when you’re tyring to relax. Sure, we had technology and stress, but we also had smelly action figures to counteract it all. Every once in a while after a really stressful day you might catch my dad digging through my Masters of the Universe action figure box to snatch up Moss Man for just 5 seconds to nervously inhale his calming mossy aroma. No one forgets Moss Man and Stinkor, while guys like f—ing Clamp Champ are all but forgotten (except here). I bet you can still smell them if you think a little bit. People who weren’t even alive at the time remember Stinkor and Moss Man, EVERYONE knows them. I’m pretty sure Moss Man is now the President of Timor–Leste.
I know you’ve heard of Pot stickers. The thing is that they aren’t actual stickers. They are a kind of Chinese dumpling. But while eating one in Buddakan in A.C, I came up with a great idea. A scratch and sniff sticker of a marijuana bud that smells like pot. Also, why doesn’t Yankee Candle produce a candle that smells like the dead of summer and the hot pavement just got soaked by a sprinkler. That would be a hot seller. I’d pay 29.95 for that. It would be fantastic if they had a vintage Bowling Alley scent vintage ’83. Or even Library ’78.
Awaiting you at the top of Mount Smellanai is a whiff of possibly the greatest scent ever created. The scent of a Mr. Sketch marker. How come no one has come up with Aromatherapy with Mr.Sketch? To me, this would be the pinnacle of Holistic healing since their scents arouse those warm fuzzy feeling inside. It reminds me of when I first used them in school as a kid. Everyone would argue over which scent was the best or which one was their favorite. If Oxygen bars exist, then why not Mr. Sketch bars? With “fragrances” such as Wild Cherry (always my favorite) and Mint, there’s no end to the variety of scents you can take in.
Smells and memories go hand in hand. I had this Darth Vader eraser that smelled phenomenal. I kept it my entire childhood and never used it, I just sat there and sniffed it all the time. There’s also that wondrous smell that you detect anytime you used to walk in the house and your mom was cooking up a delicious meal. Think of all of the scents that jog your memory like bubble gum, or a newly painted room. The plastic scent that invades your nostrils every time you open up a brand new action figure. How about the tickling scent that comes at you after you unscrew a bottle of Pepsi? Maybe you have fond memories of your uncle who smelt like English Leather, or my old hallway closet that smelled like mothballs. So whatever it is you enjoy smelling, relax, sniff, and enjoy. Let your fragrant fantasies run wild and you’ll be climbing the peak of nostril enjoyment.
Oh yeah, if you need some conversation pieces or a stocking stuffer this year I found this whacked out website that sells sells weird perfume. This is for those of you who want to smell like Egg Nogg, Gin and Tonics, Play-Doh, and Crayola Crayons. Where’s the Pepsi perfume, or Cabbage Patch Kids Perfume?