Strawberry Shortcake Archives

Earlier, I was taking a shower and the air creeping over the curtain and down into my nostrils smelt like Woolworth’s in Menlo Park mall circa ’84. Sometimes I get the whiff of Cheese Nips, other times it’s the scent of hotel pools or convenience stores. I’m a scent connoisseur. Usually I perceive and recognize smells extremely fast. I may not be able to run a 7 minute mile, but I can definitely tell if the odor that’s wafting our way reminds me of Bugles. Bugles might not even be in the vicinity but there’s a definite Bugle-esque bouquet in the air. Through the years several factors have helped shape my keen ability to identify the spectrum of scents.
I don’t think I would’ve grown up to be as well adjusted as I am if it wasn’t for spending my youth sniffing the purple pie man. Strawberry Shortcake action figures were known for luring young girls in the toy aisle using their enchanting aroma. If I was over a friends house that happened to be a girl, I would sneak sniffs of the purple pie man like it was an asthma inhaler. He made such an impression on me that I’ve made “Sniffing the purple pie man” into an everyday phrase. Sometimes you need to stop and sniff the purple pie man. It’ll relax you when you’re stressed and it brings you back to the fun times when all you had to do was play with toys.
My childhood also wouldn’t have been the same if Stinkor and Moss Man didn’t smell the way they did. It’s similar to hearing a story from a senior citizen about how simple life was when they were young. Life was easier and there wasn’t much technology to keep you working at home on your laptop and getting calls and emails on your blackberry 47 times when you’re tyring to relax. Sure, we had technology and stress, but we also had smelly action figures to counteract it all. Every once in a while after a really stressful day you might catch my dad digging through my Masters of the Universe action figure box to snatch up Moss Man for just 5 seconds to nervously inhale his calming mossy aroma. No one forgets Moss Man and Stinkor, while guys like f—ing Clamp Champ are all but forgotten (except here). I bet you can still smell them if you think a little bit. People who weren’t even alive at the time remember Stinkor and Moss Man, EVERYONE knows them. I’m pretty sure Moss Man is now the President of Timor–Leste.

Remember how much fun it was to come across scratch and sniff stickers in your sticker album? Even if you could barely see the freakin‘ banana because it was scratched 865 times, you still scratched it to bring out the last faint sigh of it’s banana breath. Many times, the artificial scents on the stickers smelled way better than the real thing. Imagine if the real thing started to smell as good as the artificial version? Imagine if virgin vagina’s actually smelled like cherries? What if Grape Nuts actually smelled like grapes? That would’ve been a surefire way to get me to eat loads of them as a kid.

Not only do I have a keen sniffer but I can think up some smelly new products. Life would be grand if everything that existed had fun scents. For instance, if you walked up to your car in the morning as its glistening with morning dew and you carefully move your nose close to the paint job and your forest green Jetta smells faintly like a pine tree. As you fall asleep at night embracing your warm blue comforter you become totally relaxed and the subtle smell of blueberry muffins wafts up your nose.

I know you’ve heard of Pot stickers. The thing is that they aren’t actual stickers. They are a kind of Chinese dumpling. But while eating one in Buddakan in A.C, I came up with a great idea. A scratch and sniff sticker of a marijuana bud that smells like pot. Also, why doesn’t Yankee Candle produce a candle that smells like the dead of summer and the hot pavement just got soaked by a sprinkler. That would be a hot seller. I’d pay 29.95 for that. It would be fantastic if they had a vintage Bowling Alley scent vintage ’83. Or even Library ’78.

Awaiting you at the top of Mount Smellanai is a whiff of possibly the greatest scent ever created. The scent of a Mr. Sketch marker. How come no one has come up with Aromatherapy with Mr.Sketch? To me, this would be the pinnacle of Holistic healing since their scents arouse those warm fuzzy feeling inside. It reminds me of when I first used them in school as a kid. Everyone would argue over which scent was the best or which one was their favorite. If Oxygen bars exist, then why not Mr. Sketch bars? With “fragrances” such as Wild Cherry (always my favorite) and Mint, there’s no end to the variety of scents you can take in.

Smells and memories go hand in hand. I had this Darth Vader eraser that smelled phenomenal. I kept it my entire childhood and never used it, I just sat there and sniffed it all the time. There’s also that wondrous smell that you detect anytime you used to walk in the house and your mom was cooking up a delicious meal. Think of all of the scents that jog your memory like bubble gum, or a newly painted room. The plastic scent that invades your nostrils every time you open up a brand new action figure. How about the tickling scent that comes at you after you unscrew a bottle of Pepsi? Maybe you have fond memories of your uncle who smelt like English Leather, or my old hallway closet that smelled like mothballs. So whatever it is you enjoy smelling, relax, sniff, and enjoy. Let your fragrant fantasies run wild and you’ll be climbing the peak of nostril enjoyment.

Oh yeah, if you need some conversation pieces or a stocking stuffer this year I found this whacked out website that sells sells weird perfume. This is for those of you who want to smell like Egg Nogg, Gin and Tonics, Play-Doh, and Crayola Crayons. Where’s the Pepsi perfume, or Cabbage Patch Kids Perfume?

Last weekend I was looking through a box of old photos from Halloween’s past. These pictures become time machines for me. I came across quite a few that were taken at school during Halloween parades or just in the classroom. The one I’m posting today actually has nothing to do with me at all. This is Halloween 1981 and my sister dressed up as one of her favorite characters Holly Hobbie. The Wikipedia entry mentions that Hobbie was popular throughout the ‘70s, although I know for a fact she still held her own through the early ‘80s as well. Even though I was a little kid during that time I remember my sis loving Holly Hobbie.

In this photo my sister was one of the Holly Hobbies way in the back row. The Holly Hobbie closer to the front was actually “Evil Holly Hobby.” You can tell because she’s the one looking pissed off with her arms folded grumbling some crap about another girl dressing up as the same character. With more scrutiny we can see a lot of superhero representation here. There’s a possible Wonder Woman to the right of my sister in the back whose head is behind the kid with the red cloak. There’s a roaring Incredible Hulk in the front and then another poor Hulk stuck in the back biting his nails. He seems worried that he’s not as good as the proud ferocious Hulk who demands the spotlight. We can also pick out a few Spider Man costumes, a Superman, a kickass vintage Yoda costume, and finally an awesome Darth Vader with his mask up…dammit!

Leaving out the kids that make me giggle would be a crime. How about the little Asian boy with a cowboy hat on? (WWE fans: Is that Jimmy Wang Yang? was he foreseeing the future?) Is it even a cowboy hat? I totally don’t want to sound wrong but who are the kids in the front with the sheet over their head with their hats on supposed to be? The one in the front row’s face is being obstructed by the Incredible Ham Hulk who is raping the camera. You also can’t miss the innocent, friendly looking Snoopy. He doesn’t seem like that sarcastic, mischievous Snoopy we know from the cartoon. The ever-living Strawberry Shortcake makes an appearance as well as a nurse (yay).

Perhaps the winner for most enigmatic costume is the young New York Giant on the bottom left who is donning a #33. I have no idea who #33 was on the Giants back in the late ‘70s or early ‘80s. I’m going to assume that it was a generic N.Y Giants children’s costume with a random number on it unless one of the awesome Sexy Armpit readers can provide me with some answers! Lol. Oh, I saved the very best for last. On the right side, attached to the railing… is that a clown with an enormous fro, or is this supposed to be a character of some type?

I hope you enjoyed looking at some of these old-school costumes. Do you have any memories of these? If so, drop a comment! Especially if you know who the blonde guy is with the stars on his shirt. Evil Knievel? One of the Duke boys? I have a lot more Halloween related material coming your way here at TheSexyArmpit.com so stay tuned and as always, I appreciate you stopping by!