A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
Good things come to those who wait, right? Obviously, that’s not guaranteed, but judging from what I’ve witnessed, it’s often proven true. Things I’ve only dreamed of as a kid have materialized. I’ve flexed with Hulk Hogan and I live in a world where there’s a Wonder Woman feature film. Life is good. In many respects, it keeps getting better. How’s that, you ask? Read on! Continue reading Battling For Metropolis…In My Backyard!
Some people I know are often curious to see how I spend my money. Or should I say blow my money. Some people prefer to hoard their money, but my approach is that you can’t take it with you, so enjoy it while you are here. Many people live by that type of credo, but some indulge in a more extreme fashion than others. A woman can go out and buy a purse for $400 bucks and have no problem justifying that purchase, so I feel that an action figure, a box of cereal, and some snack cakes are more than worth it.
Batros Figure – Masters of the Universe Classics
In the MOTU Classics line, every figure and vehicle is referred to as “museum quality,” which I can’t argue with. The price point is about double or triple the cost of an action figure on a rack in Toys R Us. That sounds crazy, but believe me, I don’t buy every figure that comes out. The money I have spent on figures from this collection has been well worth every penny.
The time and careful attention to detail put into these figures is incredible. The badass looking Batros, stealer of information and books, looks like he just walked out of a TV showing his ONE episode appearance in “The Great Books of Mystery.” He’s part of Matty Collector’s Filmation line, which is inspired solely by characters from the original cartoon series as opposed to the mini-comics, or 2002 animated series.
Halloween Crunch
So far, the Monster Cereals have been all the rage this season, and rightfully so, but I’m afraid Halloween Crunch is being overshadowed. Since it’s introduction in 2007, I haven’t had the easiest time finding Halloween Crunch locally. The last couple of years I’ve found it at Wal-Mart, but before that I felt like it was some kind of treasure that only appeared at certain stores around the country. Several of the gimmick Cap’n Crunch variations have been very elusive, but Halloween Crunch is easily my favorite. I’d even walk the plank and say that Halloween Crunch is my favorite of all the seasonal gimmick cereals presently offered throughout the year. It turns my f’n milk GREEN, what more is there to say?!!
Justice League Fruit Snacks
The Justice League fruit snacks box art is incredible and there was no way I could pass these up, especially with that giant notification at the top of the box that these are um…NEW! It’s exciting to see all the DC heroes getting some attention finally. As always, Batman looks like he’s about to kick somebody’s ass for taking a picture of his box.
If only these existed when I was in elementary school! Fruit snacks were as big a part of lunch time in school as the type of chips you brought. There was a certain measure of respect and jealousy if someone brought a type of snack that you hadn’t eaten before or one that was harder to find. I always considered myself lucky if I had PB&J, a Ssips juice box, a bag of Doritos (or Bravos which sound second rate, but are also very good), and a dessert such as anything Little Debbie (which we’ll get to in a minute) or a “pouch” of fruit snacks.
Early on here at The Sexy Armpit I wrote about my affinity for 3 types of fruit snacks in the 80s, there was Sunkist Fruit Wrinkles, Shark Bites, and Thunder Jets. Most of the fruit snacks are similar today, containing one or two offbeat colors like black or pastel blue. Below you can see that Superman is pastel blue which pretty much excludes him from portraying a fruit flavor. Something tells me that touting “real fruit juice,” doesn’t pertain to the pastel blue variety of fruit snacks.
The fun part about fruit snacks like Shark Bites and Thunder Jets was the chase. The commercial would get you all geared up to rip open your pouch to see if you got one of the specially colored and flavored snacks. The Great White and The Stealth Bomber respectively were the chase variants as it were. I don’t think there’s a mystery fruit snack in these, but you can compare the box colors to the ones I got and easily notice that the black Batman is supposed to be purple. The flavor was grape-like, but I’m not sure if it’s officially grape or blackberry. Either way, these brought me right back to the lunch table in school!
Green Margarita Mix in a Glass Skull, Target Exclusive “Ghoulish Potion”
Target just sucks you in, doesn’t it? Every damn time I’m in Target I wind up spending an exorbitant amount of money. In this case though, I am able to balance out my ridiculous purchases, like this glass skull filled with margarita mix, with other more justifiable purchases such as actual food, albeit occasionally healthy food, as well as necessities such as toilet paper, toothpaste, and laundry detergent. Let’s see how this shit turns out. I’m sure it’s going to taste like every other margarita mix, but one never knows. It may taste like Mountain Dew, we shall see momentarily.
The bottle clearly puts it over the top. I wouldn’t have bought margarita mix if it was in a witch, ghost, or werewolf shaped glass bottle, but skulls always do the trick for me. Since I probably couldn’t drink a whole bottle of vodka in less than a year or two, I’d probably never buy Dan Akroyd’s Crystal Skull vodka. Tequila and margaritas on the other hand will disappear rapidly at my place.
Verdict: not so good. After the mix was mixed it tasted more bitter than sweet and I prefer it to skew a bit on the sweeter side. After having margaritas at Jose Tejas in Woodbridge, most other margaritas don’t taste as good. Fortunately, after the mix is done, we are left with a cool bottle. I’ll probably dump the mix and put some Berry Blue Kool-Aid in it.
Tales From The Crypt Season 2
It’s easy to regret impulse buys, but Tales From The Crypt Season 2 seemed like a great deal. I picked it up for $9.99. Before I committed to it by dropping it in my cart at Wal-Mart, I checked Amazon and a few other sites on my phone to make sure it was a good price. If I could get it on Amazon for $5.99, I would’ve dropped it right back in my cart. At the time, Amazon listed it for well over $20 dollars so I bought it. I wasn’t actively seeking the Tales From The Crypt series, but Halloween is coming up and I figured even if I watch a couple of episodes it was worth the purchase.
Batman Tattoos
Even though they are smiling, those are some pretty scary pumpkin faces
for what they consider a “cookie”
At any given time there would be Peanut Butter Boppers and various trendy snacks of the day, Drakes Funny Bones and Coffee Cakes, some really old Pixy Stix banished to the bottom rear, and then dominating the cavernous drawer were the Little Debbie products such as Swiss Rolls, Nutty Bars, Peanut Butter Bars, Oatmeal Cream Pies, Fudge Brownies, and Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. Reading this laundry list of snacks it sounds like we were the fattest fucks ever to walk the planet in the ’80s, but really my sister and I practiced self control. Most of the time we’d be limited to one of these snacks after school and we adhered to it.
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Personally, I felt Superman Returns got a slightly bad rap. It’s by no means amazing, but I thought Brandon Routh made an excellent Superman and Kevin Spacey was entertaining as Lex Luthor. It worked merely as a very late on the mark sequel to Superman II, but that’s about it. Plus, I haven’t even seen Man of Steel and I already know that Amy Adams will be a much better Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth.
Many of you have already seen the Man of Steel (a.k.a lucky bastards). Lots of cool “biz” folks, journalists, and those who pounced at the chance to get into Wal-Mart’s preview showing have already witnessed Zack Snyder’s modern take on the icon. Reviews have been coming in for a few days and they are largely positive which is great news. I don’t think I’m going to be disappointed, but I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get to the theater to see it. Cue the “awwww” crowd sound effect or the violins – your choice. So to keep myself from getting too antsy in the mean time, I whipped up a video for you.
If you’re getting geared up for the Man of Steel, then I ask you to join me in celebrating this epic event by watching the latest video from The Sexy Armpit. It’s the Sexy Armpit Superman Celebration! I show off some of my early Superman collectibles that I’ve held onto for many years, and naturally, I also run down a few Jersey connections all while being pestered by Sludgey. It’s a fun time! Please check it out and give it a thumbs up if you approve. Thank you!
Forgiving Great Adventure for killing The Great American Scream Machine won’t be easy. I figured that if The Green Lantern Coaster blew me away that I’d have an easy time forgetting about one of my favorite coasters of my youth, but no matter how insane the rides get I’ll always have a thing for The Great American Scream Machine. When I was a kid that was the coaster that got major hype, and rightfully so. As the ride started to decline in popularity I would go on it 6 or 7 times per visit. Good luck pulling that off on the new Green Lantern Coaster, even if you have a Flash Pass! Is the new Green Lantern coaster worth waiting on the long lines for? Slip on your power ring and continue reading to find out!
Now, situated to the right of Superman Ultimate Flight, there’s an enormous power lantern near the entrance. A schnazzy graphic of Green Lantern towers above the beginning of the line. Since this was a season pass only preview there were a lot of pissed off people hanging around this area. I thought this was the long line for the ride, but it was mostly people who didn’t have season passes and were walking away disgruntled. Our wait was less than a mere half hour. While on the line I was pleased to see that similar to Superman Ultimate Flight, there are large comic book panels posted around the ride queue familiarizing those on line with the Green Lantern mythos. It makes me happy anytime the DC Universe is properly represented in a theme park.
After the wait, we were ready to strap ourselves in. The engineer emphasizes that everyone needs to stand up straight and that they can’t sit down on the annoying crotch piece that protrudes from between your legs. This intruding part of the harness is shoved right up under your crotch! Right off the bat I wasn’t a big fan of it because it was uncomfortable. If you’re a guy and plan on riding this, I recommend opting for boxer briefs the day you plan on riding they’ll keep everything nice and secure. Aside from that minor gripe, the ride was pretty damn exciting.
The GL Coaster is innovative and utilizes the most up to date technology to make for an intense experience. As we made our slow ascent, there was audio from the GL characters pumped through the speakers. From there, it epitomizes the term thrill ride. It’s a full throttle and packed with stomach tickling excitement. The speed of the ride is really what left the biggest impression on me. You’ll be tearing through the air at 63 mph. Obviously stay away if you’re not a roller coaster person, but even if you are, this one is not for the amateurs.
Great Adventure History is a treasure trove of New Jersey theme park goodness. If you are fan of Six Flags G.A and have been going there since you were a kid, this site offers so much park history and ephemera that you might not be aware of. Block out some time on your schedule though because I wound up reading it for solid couple of hours.
What’s better than The Dark Knight Coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure? Almost every ride in the park HA! After Six Flags debuted the last DC Comics Superhero inspired ride The Dark Knight Coaster in a vastly disappointing 2008 premiere, it seems that they are about to redeem themselves.
Presently, The World’s Finest heroes are both heavily represented at Great Adventure. Batman and Superman rides are among some of the best in the park (aside from the lame Dark Knight coaster) which leaves the other members of the Justice League green with envy. One DC hero in particular isn’t going to take it sitting down.
Opening May 25th, the new Green Lantern coaster will be a thrilling experience based on GL’s mystical power ring. The super smooth ride stands 154 feet tall and reaches speeds of 63 mph. It’s now among the tallest and fastest coasters in the world. According to the Six Flags press release the ride will be a towering “…15 stories high with over three quarters of a mile of twisting green steel, this new stand-up coaster will take you on a journey of epic proportions.”
I can’t think of a better movie tie-in than a brand new roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure. Green Lantern is finally getting the credit he deserves. People will be coming from all over the place to ride this one! It’s a 2 minute and 30 second adrenaline rush for most people. For me, it’ll be 2 minutes and 30 seconds pretending I’m flying around like Hal Jordan. Hopefully the standing up-upside down part won’t make people morph their green energy into puddles of vomit.
Six Flags Great Adventure
1 Six Flags Boulevard
Jackson, NJ
I’m not going to sit here and pout about how old I feel or how Christmas doesn’t effect me anymore. OK, so, I admit I can’t watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas if it’s past 8 PM or I will fall asleep on the couch. Naturally, Christmas time has become more hectic as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still one of the most fun times of the year. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like getting presents (of course there’s always some jackass who says they hate getting gifts), but giving gifts is even more fun. Some of the gifts I gave this year included a custom sculpted Dean Martin statue, an iPod, and a Kitchen Aid mixer. Those items may not intrigue you, but they delighted their receipients. Now it’s time to show you some of the stuff that I got for Christmas. It was impossible to fit every gift into the picture so some of the items are not shown, but I’ll tell you all about them.
My girlfriend knows how I feel about snuggies. But she went out on a limb anyway and bought me the Superman snuggie as a goof thinking that I would get a kick out of it. I think it’s actually really cool. See how the super hero/fanboy aspect changes the perspective of everything? For example, my reaction if you gave me a package of napkins for Christmas: “Oh great…napkins,” but if they had the Bat symbol on them look at how quickly the reaction changes: “OH THESE ARE SOME F*CKING COOL NAPKINS! THANK YOU!!!” Something tells me that those napkins are never coming out of the cellophane! In the end, the Superman snuggie was a fun gift, but not because it’s a snuggie, there’s more to it than that. Donning this snuggie actually transforms you into a comfy, cozy Superman because it has Superman’s costume on the front of it! The only problem is, when I put it on, I don’t feel like saving the good citizens of Metropolis from a disaster, I really feel like zonking out on my couch. It’s a little couterproductive, but at least I’ll be Superman in my dreams.
It’s nearly impossible to buy me a DVD or Blu-ray disc that I don’t already have. There are so many movies that I enjoy but I don’t see myself ever watching again. For me to own a movie it has to have a high rewatchability factor. Such is the case of Scott Pilgrim on Blu-ray because it kicks ass and it’s visually exciting. This was one of the only things I really had on my imaginary wish list. The vintage record album drink coaster set was a really cool gift too. I do have several coasters at home, but these are unique and look exactly like their original vinyl counterpart. (If you have really keen eyesight, you noticed that the one visible in the picture is a RUN DMC album.) There was also STAR WARS Mad Libs! which are even more fun if you fill them in with fellow Star Wars fans. *Here’s an example of what my friends and I came up with: “The Force is an energy field created by all living FECES” (plural noun), and “A Jedi can also use the Force to move objects with his or her TONGUE” (part of the body).
A couple of weeks before reading about it on X-E, I saw the Christmas Smurf plush at Macy’s with my girlfriend and I wanted one to add to my Christmas condo decorations. I was always a big Smurfs fan as a kid, but I have yet to buy any of the new Smurf collectibles. Once the movie comes out there will be Smurfs everywhere, so this is just the Smurf of the iceberg. What makes this Christmas Smurf different from the other ones in the store was that he had a ticket for Lady Gaga at the Prudential Center in Newark attached to his scarf! I don’t care if you want to disown me now that you know that I am a Gaga fan. After seeing Lady Gaga live in concert at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City this past July, I rank her show just below a KISS concert. It’s a huge production that has a storyline, elaborate choreography, and music that she pours her heart and soul into.
As you can see, I was very fortunate and Santa Claus treated me well this year. I also received plenty of nice shirts, ties, a scarf, tea tree shampoo, money, and gift cards. Thank you to everyone for the AWESOME gifts! What were some of the gifts you received this year?
This line comes from the Season 4 episode of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman titled “Bob and Carol and Lois and Clark.” The episode originally aired on November 17th, 1996 and features Antonio Sabato Jr. as Deathstroke, a character loosely based on the DC comics assassin, although here, Sabato’s alter ego is Bob Stanford instead of Slade Wilson.
Lois and Clark was merely a stepping stone for Teri Hatcher, but unfortunately it was a career pinnacle for Princeton graduate Dean Cain. The show never matched up to my high expectations and I stopped watching the series after it became an average soap opera which also just so happened to star a major superhero. As crazy as it sounds I enjoyed the often shat upon Superboy TV series much more.
In the old days, Super Heroes were known to teach kids to do the right thing. But, when they weren’t telling kids to get the proper nutrition, exercise, and obey the law, they were also scheduling their weekends for them. Here’s a pretty accurate dramatization of how it probably went down after a kid saw the above ad in the comic book they were reading: “Mom please! Palisades Park! Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman gave me coupons! Please, please!! I need to go!” Long before amusement parks were commonplace, Palisades Park was the equivalent to Six Flags. The only difference was that it stood out as one of the most extravagant amusement parks in the country. If I was a kid back when these ads were popping up in comic books and magazines I would have begged my parents to take me there for sure.
Notice Wonder Woman shoved down into the right side of the ad while Batman and Superman are cockily posing in the top left with shit eating grins on their faces. You don’t even have to wonder what’s going on behind that FREE coupon. It’s no secret that The World’s Finest team often had their differences, but one thing they both always fully agreed on was Palisades M-therf-cking Park. That’s how they referred to it too. The following is from an actual phone conversation between Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne…
BRUCE: “Hey Clark! Are you ready for the uproarious fun we’re about to partake in at Palisades M-therf-cking Park, Clark? Get it? Let’s go to the Park, Clark! I’m like Paul Simon tonight! 50 Ways to leave for the Amusement Park, sing it with me!
CLARK: I’m sorry Bruce, I can’t, I’m actually pretty busy working on an article for The Daily Planet.
BRUCE: Yeah sure you are, and Man-Bat might fly out of my butt! Here, I have a fantastic idea, you do your flying thing, and I’ll take the Whirly-Bat and we’ll see who makes it there first. This will kick so much ass, it will be better than the time I “accidentally” saw Catwoman in her lavender neglige. I rocked that pussy…uh…CAT that night. So, I bet you see a ton of hot ass with that sweet X-Ray vision of yours. Damn you Clark! Lucky bastard!
CLARK: Bruce, I’m sorry I really can’t…hey…wait one second…
(Jimmy Olsen sprints over to Clark’s desk)
CLARK: What is it Jimmy?
JIMMY OLSEN: (out of breath) You’ve got to hurry! Lois and several others are stuck on a roller coaster at Palisade’s Park in New Jersey!
BRUCE: JACKPOT! Perfect time to look up that champagne colored skirt she has on today! If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a stroll down to her lane if you catch my drift!
CLARK: Bruce, I’ve really got to go!
BRUCE: No wait! How about you take the Justice Jogger and I’ll take a bat-run through the emergency underground Bat-Tunnel and I bet I’ll still beat you there. That Justice Jogger, what a useless piece of shit! I think you’ll still lose though, mostly due to the fact that you waste too much time standing around with your fists on your hips and your cape blowing in the wind before you spring into action. By the time you get to the park I’ll have already finished riding The Cyclone, The Wild Mouse, and of course MY RIDE ahem…The Batman Slide and will have saved Lois and taken her into The Arabian Nights Tunnel of Love with extra time to spare for some brooding atop The German Fun House! Don’t worry though, I’ll wait for your slow ass at the salt water wave pool, OK Clark? Uhhh…Clark?
CLARK:…(dial tone) (cue subtle hints of John William’s Superman theme)
BRUCE: Fine! I’ll just see if old blue balls himself Dr. Manhattan feels up to going there! Who needs you anyway?
This video makes me laugh.
Don’t let any of your friends who consider themselves “hardcore coaster enthusiasts” knock this ride because it’s one of the best in the park! It’s the closest I’ll ever get to flying, unless I score some peyote.
