NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 98: Bootleg Wars


Remember when Obi-Wan announced “They’re for sale if you want them,” to the Stormtroopers in Star Wars: A New Hope? Well, the droids would’ve been up the creek without a lightsaber if it wasn’t for that handy little Jedi mind trick that Obi-Wan always does. What isn’t for sale though, is today’s t-shirt.

604 Republic offers “gear for every geek,” but for some reason tonight’s ingenious tee is not available anywhere on their site. And after checking out the site, I’m not sure how the Bootleg Wars: Boardwalk Empire tee design merely has a GOOD rating. That’s absurd! If there was a kickass option then I think that’s the proper vote. The mash-up that artist, Ken Oliver, came up with is so awesomely wacky! On the gray, black, and yellow design, Darth Vader is looking spiffy as Nucky Thompson, and the Stormtroopers are dressed as gangsters, while the Death Star looms in the distance.

Star Wars Links for Jersey Jedi

star wars,new jersey
In honor of Star Wars Day, I gathered up a list of Star Wars related links for you. Some of them have been featured here at The Sexy Armpit, while others link to outside sites. Of interest to you they will be.  
Illustrator John Van Fleet has created many pieces of Star Wars related art that has appeared on the covers of novels, comics, and sourcebooks. Van Fleet “grew up in New Jersey near the Delaware Water Gap…” according to his bio in The New Essential Chronology. In addition to Lucasfilm, he has also worked on projects for DC Comics, Marvel, Warner Brothers, and many more. 
Star Wars artist Nicole Falk holds a BFA from the Mason Gross School of the Arts at Rutgers University. Take a look at her blog Halloweenville where she posts her artwork and other projects. She was also interviewed for the Star Wars Artist Series on Star Wars.com.
Accomplished voice actor Jess Harnell has provided voice work on several Star Wars video games. He was born in Teaneck, NJ.

“May 1983,” written in English Class, 11th grade

The hysteria for George Lucas’ 3rd installment of his Star Wars epic was to hit screens on Friday May 25th. Many days passed as I joyfully played with my Star Wars action figures, as if Lucas was Santa and watching my every move. Figures were spread all over the floor of my rec room where many galactic battles took place. I begged my older sister to play, after all, I needed a Princess Leia. It was a time when she actually came in handy, but a little brother would have done a better job at playing with action figures.
After waiting anxiously, Friday finally came. “We’re going to see Return of the Jedi!!” my dad announced to me with great enthusiasm. He seemed just as excited as I was. Before jumping around uncontrollably like Mr. Peepers, I froze for a second, puzzled. Did he mean that we were going to see the real thing and go up in a space ship and watch the rebellion get revenge over the dark forces of the evil Empire? I was perplexed. I actually wasn’t sure what was going to happen. You see, this was the first Star Wars film I would be experiencing in the theater.
When we pulled up at the old Menlo Park General Cinema, it all came together. As we walked through the glass doors, I was immediately consumed at the sight of the huge, lush lobby complete with video games and adorned with posters. The aroma of popcorn filled the air and invaded my nostrils. Naturally, it was imperative what came next, “Mommy, I want popcorn!” My dad bought the tickets and as we slowly made our way to the theater I took in every last detail of my surroundings.

My sister held my tiny hand and directed me to look at the Return of the Jedi poster on the wall. I became mesmerized. It was a beautiful collage with Luke Skywalker looking heroic, grasping his trusty lightsaber, Han Solo pointing his blaster at me, the beautiful Princess Leia, cuddly Ewoks, and lurking in the background, the sinister Darth Vader. Just as any other normal kid at the time, I was petrified of the Dark Lord of the Sith. The bottom of the poster, sealed in silver, read RETURN OF THE JEDI.
We made our way through the doors and down the aisle of the theater. It was very dark except for the glow of the previews which projected onto the enormous screen. I didn’t care what was on the screen, it was all a blur. I was in awe of the cavernous room filled with what looked to be a thousand seats. There were so many people, it was packed to the rafters. I stood in the aisle staring upward, mouth open, marveling at how high the ceiling was. Finally, I focused on the screen and remembered what I wanted to do. I jetted in light speed to the front row. The entire row was empty and thinking I hit the jackpot, I plopped myself down in the center seat. With popcorn in lap and feet crossed dangling off the seat, I was ready, but I realized I was missing something. MY FAMILY was a few rows back filing into a patch of 4 seats. My sister must’ve alerted my parents to the fact that I was nowhere to be found. As I looked back I saw my dad waving me back to sit with them. In classic stubborn child mode, I swung my head back and forth in an “absolutely not” fashion. They realized that I would not be giving up my seat.
I won out and my parents and my sister left their seats and sat with me in the first row. That wouldn’t have flown in any other instance, but since it was Return of the Jedi and they were there so I could see the movie, they gave in. Within minutes, the screen went black and John Williams’ score blasted like an ion cannon throughout the theater while the scroll brought us up to speed. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi:

This experience left a lasting impression on me because it made me a lifelong Star Wars fan, and it began my obsession with movies. At that point in time, going to the movies was still a big deal. Sure there are “event” movies, but not many of them can come close to the magic that the original Star Wars trilogy brought to the screen. More and more younger kids are becoming Star Wars fans and I’m lucky to be able to tell them that I saw my favorite installment of the trilogy in its original theatrical release.

Darth Vader Balloon at The NJ Festival of Ballooning


“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of a hot air balloon.” – Darth Vader
Are you into hot air balloon rides? You will be. You will be. Unless you’re like me and you can’t be spending over $200 bucks to take a Darth Vader balloon ride. But hey, if you’ve got a shitload of republic dataries to burn, then go for it!
The NJ Festival of Ballooning
7/24 – 7/26 in Readington, NJ

Star Wars Gang Runway Modeling Ecko Line at Macy’s

Here’s some pics I snapped at Macy’s of Darth, Yoda, Boba, Chewie, and a Stormtrooper sashaying around in the new Marc Ecko Star Wars clothing line. I could almost hear Vader talking to Boba Fett “You’re money baby! You’re money!” Sucks for Ecko and Macy’s, but I think more people would actually want to buy the masks rather than the clothes.


DAAAMN YODA! those are some big ass hands for one little dude! And Chewie looks like he’s wearing a toupe!


He’s One Sexy Sith:

Halloween 1981

Last weekend I was looking through a box of old photos from Halloween’s past. These pictures become time machines for me. I came across quite a few that were taken at school during Halloween parades or just in the classroom. The one I’m posting today actually has nothing to do with me at all. This is Halloween 1981 and my sister dressed up as one of her favorite characters Holly Hobbie. The Wikipedia entry mentions that Hobbie was popular throughout the ‘70s, although I know for a fact she still held her own through the early ‘80s as well. Even though I was a little kid during that time I remember my sis loving Holly Hobbie.

In this photo my sister was one of the Holly Hobbies way in the back row. The Holly Hobbie closer to the front was actually “Evil Holly Hobby.” You can tell because she’s the one looking pissed off with her arms folded grumbling some crap about another girl dressing up as the same character. With more scrutiny we can see a lot of superhero representation here. There’s a possible Wonder Woman to the right of my sister in the back whose head is behind the kid with the red cloak. There’s a roaring Incredible Hulk in the front and then another poor Hulk stuck in the back biting his nails. He seems worried that he’s not as good as the proud ferocious Hulk who demands the spotlight. We can also pick out a few Spider Man costumes, a Superman, a kickass vintage Yoda costume, and finally an awesome Darth Vader with his mask up…dammit!
Leaving out the kids that make me giggle would be a crime. How about the little Asian boy with a cowboy hat on? (WWE fans: Is that Jimmy Wang Yang? was he foreseeing the future?) Is it even a cowboy hat? I totally don’t want to sound wrong but who are the kids in the front with the sheet over their head with their hats on supposed to be? The one in the front row’s face is being obstructed by the Incredible Ham Hulk who is raping the camera. You also can’t miss the innocent, friendly looking Snoopy. He doesn’t seem like that sarcastic, mischievous Snoopy we know from the cartoon. The ever-living Strawberry Shortcake makes an appearance as well as a nurse (yay).

Perhaps the winner for most enigmatic costume is the young New York Giant on the bottom left who is donning a #33. I have no idea who #33 was on the Giants back in the late ‘70s or early ‘80s. I’m going to assume that it was a generic N.Y Giants children’s costume with a random number on it unless one of the awesome Sexy Armpit readers can provide me with some answers! Lol. Oh, I saved the very best for last. On the right side, attached to the railing… is that a clown with an enormous fro, or is this supposed to be a character of some type?
I hope you enjoyed looking at some of these old-school costumes. Do you have any memories of these? If so, drop a comment! Especially if you know who the blonde guy is with the stars on his shirt. Evil Knievel? One of the Duke boys? I have a lot more Halloween related material coming your way here at TheSexyArmpit.com so stay tuned and as always, I appreciate you stopping by!

15 Things That Scared The Shit Out Of Me as a Kid

What’s your worst nightmare? That’s always been a topic of conversation that everyone has an answer to. For me, being buried alive is my absolute worst nightmare, but I don’t even have recurring dreams about it or anything, I just get crazy with the thought of it. I wouldn’t consider myself a true claustrophobic but I once bugged out in an Irish pub because it was too crowded and I was feeling faint and having loss of breath. But that’s neither here nor there. A bridge breaking and falling into the ocean while I’m driving on it seems to scare me a lot too. (Think Mothman Prophecies)

As a kid, I was scared by very specific things. This is a list of various scary things and as I outline them for you, keep in mind I was just a little kid. As a fun Halloween activity for you and your family, make some pumpkin cookies, play a round of Parcheesi and then see you if you can come up with 10 things that scared you as a child. I was kidding about that last part, unless Michael Jackson molested you, then you should definitely tell someone.

15. The Wheelers from Return to Oz – This highly disregarded sequel to Wizard of Oz was actually more inspired by the L. Frank Baum Oz stories than the original Oz movie itself. So if you want to see a more faithful version, then see Return to Oz. And if you do watch it, do it just because it’s Disney’s bastard child. They shunned it and pretended it wasn’t even theirs for like 10 years. Now that they realize it’s a good movie they decided to make some cash on it, and NOW you can find it on DVD. If you like headless women, crumbling stone cities, pumpkin heads, and shock therapy then this movie is for you! There’s even a flying contraption made from a couch, even Martha Stewart couldn’t have created that. Well, maybe now that she’s got a lot of time on her hands, who knows what she could accomplish.

14. Flying MonkeysOk, I know that I already mentioned the sequel, but my first experience with anxiety came from these wacky monkeys. It only made things worse that they worked for a green faced wicked witch. All of it together really made me uneasy.

13. Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure – You may think it sounds stupid, and it really wasn’t scary but this scene used to freak me out. When Marge is telling the story you know her face is gonna go ballistic soon, so I think it’s the anticipation that got to me. Go ahead into your local watering hole and tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya. I-mockery has a great animated .gif toward the bottom of the linked article.

12. Ghosts from Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion Ride – To the average person and even children these ghouls aren’t the least bit scary. Heck, some of them serenade us! But they are ghosts for a reason, and they are there to haunt. The ride has a definite creepy atmosphere. Because of the light blue tinge that the scarier ghosts had to them, I named them the “Blue Guys”. One of the most frightening moments of my childhood came when a ghost appeared to be sitting next to my mother and I on the ride. I wrote Disneyland because that was where I had my first experience on the ride. Linked is the best site for the Haunted Mansion, DoomBuggies.com.

11. Clue Video Board Game – Playing the game Clue wasn’t scary, but if you were fortunate enough to have the first edition of the video board game, you got to enjoy a “made strictly for the game” CLUE movie. It wasn’t as silly as the original CLUE movie, it was pretty eerie, and narrated by the butler. You played along after watching sections of the film. It was the game I played with my sister on stormy days.

10. The Intro to Tales From The Darkside the TV show – It still sends chills up and down my spine ’til this day. The narrator was so spooky, and the visuals were so eerie. “Man lives in the sunlit world of what he believes to be reality. But… there is, unseen by most, an underworld, a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit… a Darkside.” See if you can YouTube it, it’s worth watching. Don’t watch it when you’re tired and half falling asleep though because then you might have to throw your pants in the washer.

9. The Lost Boys – I can almost hear you through the computer saying that any movie with the 2 Corey’s can’t be that scary. I don’t care what people say, they were the shit in the 80’s. If you really get into this movie, it is frightening. A cult of vampires terrorizing the new guy. The movie was made with style, and a good budget so it is light years beyond other films that have similar plots. It also has great makeup, effects, and comic relief. The finale is awesome, and so is the scene where the vampires are surrounding the house and trying to grab Michael. To think it was directed by Joel “I fucked Batman in the butt” Shumacher, this movie is far from gay. Well, except for Tim Capello (the jacked guy in the band who was all oiled up singing and playing the sax.)

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street – The 1st installment was chilling. The Music, the house, the little girls with the jump rope singing “1,2 Freddy’s coming for you” terrified me as a child. But I loved it. I couldn’t get enough. Nowadays it doesn’t hold up well from a SFX standpoint, but the part where Freddy elongates his arms out really got to me. Now it’s almost laughable. But Freddy still rocks. He should have totally been the clear cut winner in Freddy vs. Jason.

7. Lady In White – (movie from 1988) Ok, Ok, Mona from Who’s The Boss wasn’t scary, more like the annoying mother in law. But then again, I’d rather Mona then Angela, now she was obnoxious. Plus Mona had that sly sense of humor which is sexy when not used against you. In this spooky story, Mona played a ghost and when she struck she looked scary. After I saw it, she haunted me every time I closed my eyes.

6. Psycho – The first time we actually see Anthony Perkins in drag with the knife in his hand as he’s about to spaz out. It was my first experience seeing a transvestite, way before I saw Rocky Horror. I was perplexed as to why such a scary, nerve racking movie like Psycho would end that way. As I grew up, I came to appreciate the horror in transvestites.

5. Darth Vader – Never before has a character been created who emanated such a presence, one I haven’t felt since…since the last time I watched the movie! You feel like you are in his presence when his scenes come around. It’s freaky. You can feel Luke’s fearfulness along with him as Vader approaches. Two scenes come to mind: In Empire, when Luke is on Degobah and has the imaginary encounter with him, as well as in Jedi when Vader activates Luke’s new saber. I almost shat.

4. Snow on a TV screen – In the 50’s I bet no one ever thought that a fuzzy screen on a TV might spell certain dreadful doom. Poltergeist is to blame for giving me the willies. As a child I would watch videotapes late at night and fall asleep only to wake up to snow on the screen because the tape finished and rewound itself. It was easy to start believing that there was ghosts in the screen especially if you stared at it for a while.

3. Halloween – The shot where Jamie Lee Curtis is looking out the window and Michael Myers is standing in between the sheets hanging on the clothesline and then POOF, he’s gone just like Houdini and shit. That’s one of the best scenes in the film. Rob Zombie alluded to it in his remake.

2. Gene Simmons of KISS – I know what you’re thinking. Jay ties everything in his life back to KISS. Well, yeah I guess I do. But that face, and that blood! When you are 5 years old, you don’t give a rats ass about the music, you just see the album covers and this demonic face staring back at you. I didn’t understand that they were wearing costumes, I though they really looked like that. What a silly boy. What started out as a little misunderstanding turned into a fixation.

1. End of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video – When MJ flashes those scary yellow eyes. I hope he doesn’t do that to the children when he’s done with them, that would be plain wrong. This really disturbed me for years. I know the Thriller video used to be #1 on every MTV top 100 countdown but it really freaked me out along with Vincent Price’s maniacal laughter. I used to think that a werewolf lived on the top shelf of my closet and when I opened the closet all I saw was those yellow eyes staring down at me. I think it was all because of being terrified of werewolves. Not Universal’s “Wolf-Man” but scarier ones. Like the TV show called “Werewolf” from 1986. It horrified me when I was a kid. I saw a copy of a few episodes recently and now it just doesn’t hold up. It was a completely awful show and not scary by today’s standards, but pretty frightening for a 6 year old. Nowadays werewolves don’t scare me unless they’re real.

I know what you’re probably saying, “I don’t think any of these things are scary” or “there’s so many more scarier things.” Well, we all have our own things that horrify us so let me know yours!!