The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano
Blue Milk & The Technicolor Twilight Zone
I’m a big supporter of writers and journalism in general but the article pictured above from the April 2009 issue of Family Fun Magazine is pretty damn awful. Absurd as a matter of fact. Linda Ann Daffron from Ramsey, NJ offers a “magical” prank for the kids in the family to try, most likely on one of their parents, (whichever one ISN’T reading the article and explaining to them how to pull it off). Here’s the short version of the directions 1) Get a cereal bowl and squeeze a few drops of food coloring into the bowl (blue food coloring pictured) 2) Pour dry cereal into the bowl and then once the unsuspecting schmuck pours milk into the cereal bowl they’ll have a bowl full of blue milk to surprise them. Is putting food coloring in a cereal bowl really that big of a trick, oh wait sorry, a “deliciously deceptive ruse?” Family Fun Magazine clearly thinks it is.
Here’s how the prank may unfold: “OH MY GOD! MY EFFING MILK IS BLUE!!! I feel totally PUNKED right now! I hope you didn’t videotape my reaction because I would’ve literally gone into massive seizures.” Will the family member really think they entered a “Technicolor Twilight Zone?” Wow, I want to enter that zone in a bad way. I thought I actually was there for a short period of time back in the mid ’90s when every stoner was trying their best to bring back tie-dye shirts. Just a hunch, but whoever wrote this one up must not be at all familiar with Boo Berry (it’s only existed for over 35 years), and it’s also safe to assume they missed the boat on Superman Crunch. These two offerings are examples of cereals that turn your milk blue without the assistance of food coloring. It’s a much easier world we live in, one where we don’t need no stinkin’ food coloring to turn our milk blue.
C’mon Linda, give me a break, you couldn’t do any better than that? Are you even a real person? Writers occasionally like to make up names and places in order to give the impression of realism. After you read the article it seems as if FAMILY FUN is getting a half ton of reader mail (or a kajillion as I’ve been referring to it as lately). People must be clamoring like maniacs to throw in their two cents on what wacky prank should be spotlighted next month. I actually feel bad ripping the mag, but can they really expect us to believe that parents and other fully grown human beings aren’t aware of the basic concept of food coloring? It’s not like 3 year old Tyler is going to be skimming microfiche machines for old periodicals that may help him cook up his next whimsical caper.
And as for our New Jersey friend Linda, stop trying to reinvent the wheel OK? Next thing you know you’ll be telling us we could use food coloring to dye Easter eggs, now that would just be a downright insult because we all know that’s utterly impossible. Are the folks in Ramsey, NJ not being kept busy enough in their lives that they have time to send in these radtacular ideas? I hope to Zod that Linda doesn’t go around to her weekly social gatherings spewing out little tricks for the kids to do. I got news for you Linda, you’re making people’s lives completely miserable. Oh, you know I’m just kidding with you Lind, you’re awesome…you just have too much damn time on your hands.
DC Infinite Heroes Crisis 3-Pack: Superman, Supergirl, & Wonder Girl!
The recent climate in the world of toys is all about capitalizing on the older, harder to please collector. Toy companies such as Mattel and Hasbro blatantly pander to hardcore collectors. I do appreciate the recent innovations, but I don’t believe that toy aisles should be filled with such expensive, delicately crafted action figures that belong in the Smithsonian rather than a milk crate in my ’80s den. I stick to the basics and would be more apt to buy something that looks fun to own rather than a dust collector. I am interested in collectible statues and busts, but they have no place in toy aisles.
One of the prime culprits is DC Comics whose action figures really stepped up their game and their prices. Not to sound like an old fogey, but I recall days as a kid when I could literally buy 6 action figures on clearance for $2 or $3 bucks. Nowadays ONE Star Wars Clone Wars /Legacy action figure costs OVER $6 bucks! Regardless of inflation, is this tiny piece of plastic worth that kind of money? I say HELL NO, It’s a toy for fuck’s sake! If I was a kid right now and had some money saved from birthdays or allowance cash, I’d break the bank if I had to pay $7 bucks for ONE action figure. This is a shitty time for toys if you ask me. Sure us geeky dudes get all wet in the pants when we see a really cool rare character get a highly detailed treatment, but what do we actually do with it? The minority of us are actually using them to act out a storyline, and if you are, I commend you because at least you’re getting your money’s worth.
Even with my efforts of keeping up with the latest toy and collectible news, these new DCU Infinite Heroes Crisis 3- packs somehow zoomed passed my radar. I’m glad I got a hold of this set at Target this weekend. Here’s the 3-pack which includes Powergirl, Superman, and Supergirl:
It’s pretty sickening that I spent $16 bucks this set. That price breaks down to about $5 bucks per figure, which is far from a bargain especially in the dismal economic climate. What caught my eye about this set is the figure’s smaller size. Too many figures today are being made too big. My first action figure memories come from Star Wars and Super Powers figures, both small in size, and both made by Kenner. My taste in toys has been influenced by those two toy lines in a major way. This set brought me back to those days. Even though they’re small in size, they’re detailed, colorful, and seem more collectible than a 6 inch figure. In addition, buying smaller figures in 3-packs is more exciting than just buying them seperately.
My only gripe with this series is that this is the only 3-pack that I NEED to have among the ones available because Superman looks awesome and Powergirl and Supergirl look super sexy fine. In the other sets, Black Canary, Starfire, and Raven could stand to look way hotter. This is the problem with dating action figures, they don’t slut it up enough.
Even though I’m not an anal toy collector, I do keep up on the latest action figures and toy trends by reading these sites (among others) so check them out when you get a chance:
Interview with Iron-Cow Productions’ Matt Cauley
I cannot believe you actually have something this cool in your house!
Seduced by Barbie
Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…
Knockoffs in Disguise
With the hysteria of the new Transformers movie and living in a world of constant nostalgia, I wanted to share a revelation that I came to recently. It had nothing to do with the meaning of life, or the fact that I feel I was meant to finally bring Dingbat and the Creeps to the Broadway stage. This is one of those little mysteries that I was bent on solving.
My friend Steve sent me a link to check out in hopes that I may get to the bottom of this.
I’m sure it was my birthday or Christmastime and an Aunt, Uncle, or cousin actually drove up to get gas at Shell and remembered that they didn’t by little Jay a gift! Oh crap! Luckily they are selling these knockoff Go-Bots aptly named CONVERTIBLE ROBOTS, and you can get one when you buy some gas. I can honestly say that I had alot of knockoff toys in my childhood because the real ones were always more expensive and sometimes harder to find. This knockoff, even though generic, was more convincing as it took me over 20 years to figure out that it was a ripoff and not a real Go-Bot or Transformer. It was perfect for kid who wasn’t a huge fan of either of the shows because I had no idea that it wasn’t even a real character. It truly was a robot in disguise.
There aren’t many things in life that are worse than knowing you had a knockoff of Go-Bo figure as a child. What a sad memory to hold in my heart! I owned a knockoff of a knockoff. I think falling into the toilet and getting your ass all wet just after you took a shit might be the only thing worse.
Saturday Night with ECPW
A friend of mine invited me to go to a local wrestling event on Saturday. I can’t say that I was apprehensive because I am a big wrestling fan and I haven’t seen him in a while. We drove to the ECPW headquarters in Lake Hiawatha, N.J. Upon arrival we entered into the “backstage area” which houses a practice ring and all the guys are warming up there. I first thought that the ring I saw was the one we’d be witnessing the event in, and thankfully I was wrong. As we made our way to the actual event area, I noticed that it looked like a basement from the 70’s where random Kenner Star Wars toys should be strewn about. The concrete walls were painted black and one wall was spray painted with the word ADRENALINE in green. Spotlights were shining on the ring and there were families and girlfriends of the wrestlers in the audience. After seeing the guy with the DV cam, and being reminded by my friend, I realized it was a TV taping. This event was to air as several separate shows on public access. The show was introduced by Dave Cunningham, the capable ring announcer.
The wrestlers that came out were, of course, no match for the guys you see on WWE every Monday night, but they were on the right track. Some of the characterization needs more originality considering that they have a Canadian faction that appears frequently. The Canadian Outlaws are decent in the ring, but I think it’s an overdone gimmick. Kevin Apollo is the all American baby face who definitely needs to improve his mic skills but he kept my attention and he has good in ring ability. Surprisingly, the crowd roots for him even though he’s shameless about being “the nice guy.” I’m a fan even though he’d get eaten alive in WWE. Same goes for Jay Santana although his top notch ring skills overshadow his “Ariba” screams. Gil Quest is a stellar athlete with a great theme song : “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid. It’s painfully obvious that Playboy Marcus Shields stole his gimmick from the Rock. It’s also pretty apparent that Vincent Valentine is one of the more talented on the roster. He’s a great talker and he’s definitely effective as a heel in the Army of Darkness. I kept calling the other member of the army Maxx Payne and Man Mountain Rock because that’s how he looked regardless that his name is Legion. The Hot Shot Mike Reed looks like a cross between Kip James (The Ass Man) and as my friend Steve said former Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.
The tag champs The Owens were getting some negative feedback from the crowd, but they are a hard hitting tag team who remind of a young Hart Foundation minus the great technical skill of Bret. I really enjoyed the Jedi tag team (The Next Generation) who come to the ring wielding light sabers and when in need of a tag simply tell their partner to “use the force.” I’m not sure if they are being serious or not because it comes off hysterical.
The managers of ECPW are quite memorable. Padrone is an stereotypical Italian manager of the probably un-Italian Dan Mandini who’s no relation to the Mortal
Kombat/WuTang/Marijuana mark the Great Blazini. The Creeper, is just that, a little creepy guy who carries around a rubber rat. Leaving the building I even saw the pompous and arrogant manager Doug Devito get into his Cadillac while still puffing on his cigar.
Considering the production qualities aren’t the best the show was still fun. Watching a show like this brings me back to the basics. The focus isn’t on the owners daughter, or necrophilia, or running someone over with a Bigfoot truck. The focus is on wrestling, and the spectacle of having many different personalities team up in the squared circle to put on a show. The competitors showed that they were dedicated to the sport, they got most of their spots right, and they stayed in character. Run by wrestling veteran Gino Caruso, this wrestling organization reminds me of how WWE was when I was growing up. With time, and with their public access show, the ECPW is bound to take off like ECW did. Check them out at www.ECPW1.com, it’s a chance to see some future wrestling stars while they’re still accessible.