Star Wars Links for Jersey Jedi

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star wars,new jersey
In honor of Star Wars Day, I gathered up a list of Star Wars related links for you. Some of them have been featured here at The Sexy Armpit, while others link to outside sites. Of interest to you they will be.  
Illustrator John Van Fleet has created many pieces of Star Wars related art that has appeared on the covers of novels, comics, and sourcebooks. Van Fleet “grew up in New Jersey near the Delaware Water Gap…” according to his bio in The New Essential Chronology. In addition to Lucasfilm, he has also worked on projects for DC Comics, Marvel, Warner Brothers, and many more. 
Star Wars artist Nicole Falk holds a BFA from the Mason Gross School of the Arts at Rutgers University. Take a look at her blog Halloweenville where she posts her artwork and other projects. She was also interviewed for the Star Wars Artist Series on Star Wars.com.
Accomplished voice actor Jess Harnell has provided voice work on several Star Wars video games. He was born in Teaneck, NJ.
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The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano

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This gives a whole new meaning to her nickname “Snips”
You may find it hard to believe that I DIDN’T find this headless Ahsoka Tano action figure in the Sleepy Hollow Wal-Mart, or even the one on the planet Shili. What other place besides New Jersey would offer up a sight as savage as a plastic statue of Anakin Skywalker’s decapitated little padawan to impressionable young children wandering wide-eyed through the toy aisles with their parents? How does a parent explain this one?
Well, if you were me, and there’s an enormous chance that you’re not, the majority of you with children will NOT reply in this manner, but those with quick wit and a bit of Star Wars swerve will be prepared to shoot back with a killer automatic response: “Well, if you knew anything about Star Wars you little prick, then perhaps you would know that Darth Sidious slashed her head right off her kneck with one swing of his lightsaber.” Then since you’re still in the Star Wars aisle, just for effect, you could pretend you’re Sidious, grab a toy saber, and proceed to swing at your kids neck, in a playful fashion of course. At the end of this dramatization of such a horrific epitaph, you could cap it all off with, “That’s why you need to do your homework.”
“So if I don’t do my homework Darth Sidious is going to chop my head off with a lightsaber, daddy?” “Yes kiddo, that’s exactly what will happen, or he may have Anakin do it for him depending on how his arthritis is that day.” Once you start convincing them that their grandfather is actually Darth Sidious, I think they’ll get the picture.
With merely a few minutes of consultation with the Bat-Computer, and perhaps some fiddling with the Bat-Hyperspectrographic Analyzer, I was able to deduce that this figure was tampered with. On the lower left corner of the card you’ll see a few marks that indicate the bubble was cut. It looked like a bonafide error while I was in the store, but after walking around the entire store with the figure in my shopping cart, I finally realized that this was no error, this action figure’s head was amputated by a father who was out to set a creative example for his kids. Remember to always use The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano story on your kids folks, it always works.
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Blue Milk & The Technicolor Twilight Zone

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I’m a big supporter of writers and journalism in general but the article pictured above from the April 2009 issue of Family Fun Magazine is pretty damn awful. Absurd as a matter of fact. Linda Ann Daffron from Ramsey, NJ offers a “magical” prank for the kids in the family to try, most likely on one of their parents, (whichever one ISN’T reading the article and explaining to them how to pull it off). Here’s the short version of the directions 1) Get a cereal bowl and squeeze a few drops of food coloring into the bowl (blue food coloring pictured) 2) Pour dry cereal into the bowl and then once the unsuspecting schmuck pours milk into the cereal bowl they’ll have a bowl full of blue milk to surprise them. Is putting food coloring in a cereal bowl really that big of a trick, oh wait sorry, a “deliciously deceptive ruse?” Family Fun Magazine clearly thinks it is.

Here’s how the prank may unfold: “OH MY GOD! MY EFFING MILK IS BLUE!!! I feel totally PUNKED right now! I hope you didn’t videotape my reaction because I would’ve literally gone into massive seizures.” Will the family member really think they entered a “Technicolor Twilight Zone?” Wow, I want to enter that zone in a bad way. I thought I actually was there for a short period of time back in the mid ’90s when every stoner was trying their best to bring back tie-dye shirts. Just a hunch, but whoever wrote this one up must not be at all familiar with Boo Berry (it’s only existed for over 35 years), and it’s also safe to assume they missed the boat on Superman Crunch. These two offerings are examples of cereals that turn your milk blue without the assistance of food coloring. It’s a much easier world we live in, one where we don’t need no stinkin’ food coloring to turn our milk blue.

C’mon Linda, give me a break, you couldn’t do any better than that? Are you even a real person? Writers occasionally like to make up names and places in order to give the impression of realism. After you read the article it seems as if FAMILY FUN is getting a half ton of reader mail (or a kajillion as I’ve been referring to it as lately). People must be clamoring like maniacs to throw in their two cents on what wacky prank should be spotlighted next month. I actually feel bad ripping the mag, but can they really expect us to believe that parents and other fully grown human beings aren’t aware of the basic concept of food coloring? It’s not like 3 year old Tyler is going to be skimming microfiche machines for old periodicals that may help him cook up his next whimsical caper.

And as for our New Jersey friend Linda, stop trying to reinvent the wheel OK? Next thing you know you’ll be telling us we could use food coloring to dye Easter eggs, now that would just be a downright insult because we all know that’s utterly impossible. Are the folks in Ramsey, NJ not being kept busy enough in their lives that they have time to send in these radtacular ideas? I hope to Zod that Linda doesn’t go around to her weekly social gatherings spewing out little tricks for the kids to do. I got news for you Linda, you’re making people’s lives completely miserable. Oh, you know I’m just kidding with you Lind, you’re awesome…you just have too much damn time on your hands.

A Closer Look:

As you can see, the wacky multicolored font used in the word PRANKS, and the white “A” and exclamation mark, seem to signify that things are a little off kilter. There’s that little rambunctious kid in the circle (possibly a neighbor who we think has no family), not sure if its a boy or a girl, but does it really matter? Whatever their sex is, they are clearly rascally and live for getting into trouble and hijinks (one can assume this thanks to the obligatory head nod/eye wink combo…believe me, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of one of these or you may have flashbacks to films like Problem Child or Home Alone). Even “Gotcha!” is spelled out as if the wicked head nod/eye wink combo didn’t overly explain that one enough. On a completely unrelated note, why did they decide that the traditionally white speech balloon should now be orange? Is it just because they’re all about color coordination with silly Billy’s polo shirt he’s rocking? Maybe that was a prank too! Uh-oh, here comes Linda with her good ol’ Photoshop pranks! Prank #1: How to turn your speech bubble ORANGE!

To all the dairy companies out there: End this Magic Milk Bowl bullshit once and for all. Skip the middle man (food coloring) and finally market Blue Milk or Blue Skim Milk (for those of us in Jedi training). It seems like a no brainer to me. Hey George Lucas, could you pass up a mutually beneficial partnership with a dairy company to sell a nutritious drink for all us Star Wars nerds to gulp down? Tuscan Dairy, and Parmalat are you listening?
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DC Infinite Heroes Crisis 3-Pack: Superman, Supergirl, & Wonder Girl!

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The recent climate in the world of toys is all about capitalizing on the older, harder to please collector. Toy companies such as Mattel and Hasbro blatantly pander to hardcore collectors. I do appreciate the recent innovations, but I don’t believe that toy aisles should be filled with such expensive, delicately crafted action figures that belong in the Smithsonian rather than a milk crate in my ’80s den. I stick to the basics and would be more apt to buy something that looks fun to own rather than a dust collector. I am interested in collectible statues and busts, but they have no place in toy aisles.

One of the prime culprits is DC Comics whose action figures really stepped up their game and their prices. Not to sound like an old fogey, but I recall days as a kid when I could literally buy 6 action figures on clearance for $2 or $3 bucks. Nowadays ONE Star Wars Clone Wars /Legacy action figure costs OVER $6 bucks! Regardless of inflation, is this tiny piece of plastic worth that kind of money? I say HELL NO, It’s a toy for fuck’s sake! If I was a kid right now and had some money saved from birthdays or allowance cash, I’d break the bank if I had to pay $7 bucks for ONE action figure. This is a shitty time for toys if you ask me. Sure us geeky dudes get all wet in the pants when we see a really cool rare character get a highly detailed treatment, but what do we actually do with it? The minority of us are actually using them to act out a storyline, and if you are, I commend you because at least you’re getting your money’s worth.

Even with my efforts of keeping up with the latest toy and collectible news, these new DCU Infinite Heroes Crisis 3- packs somehow zoomed passed my radar. I’m glad I got a hold of this set at Target this weekend. Here’s the 3-pack which includes Powergirl, Superman, and Supergirl:

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It’s pretty sickening that I spent $16 bucks this set. That price breaks down to about $5 bucks per figure, which is far from a bargain especially in the dismal economic climate. What caught my eye about this set is the figure’s smaller size. Too many figures today are being made too big. My first action figure memories come from Star Wars and Super Powers figures, both small in size, and both made by Kenner. My taste in toys has been influenced by those two toy lines in a major way. This set brought me back to those days. Even though they’re small in size, they’re detailed, colorful, and seem more collectible than a 6 inch figure. In addition, buying smaller figures in 3-packs is more exciting than just buying them seperately.

My only gripe with this series is that this is the only 3-pack that I NEED to have among the ones available because Superman looks awesome and Powergirl and Supergirl look super sexy fine. In the other sets, Black Canary, Starfire, and Raven could stand to look way hotter. This is the problem with dating action figures, they don’t slut it up enough.

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Even though I’m not an anal toy collector, I do keep up on the latest action figures and toy trends by reading these sites (among others) so check them out when you get a chance:

Toyriffic

Eclectorama

Poe Ghostal

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Interview with Iron-Cow Productions’ Matt Cauley

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I cannot believe you actually have something this cool in your house!

– Mouth from The Goonies

I was fortunate enough to snag this amazing customized Batcave last year from the Iron-Cow Productions store on eBay. The Batcave playset utilizes a custom version of the ’89 Batcave playset from Toy Biz and also features a custom Joker card and giant penny from Batman’s Trophy Room. Naturally, this custom Batcave is one of the highlights of my Batman collection. And YES, it takes center stage in my bedroom! You could imagine how many “40-Year Old Virgin” jokes I get even though I’ve got a while to go before I reach 40!
The man behind Iron-Cow Productions is Matt Cauley, who has grabbed the attention of the industry by showcasing his amazing custom action figures, and illustrations. Matt is a featured contributer to ToyFare Magazine, and he also designed various DC Direct, Battlestar Galactica, and Marvel Comics Minimate action figures. In honor of the Dark Knight countdown Matt “Iron-Cow” Cauley granted me an interview to talk a little bit about what’s going on with his company and how he feels about the premiere of The Dark Knight.

The Batcave playset pictured here was created by Iron-Cow Productions, after all the different properties from Marvel, DC and other companies you’ve customized for do you have a favorite universe or character to work on?

Well, I’ve been a Batman fan all my life, so I’m naturally drawn to him. He’s what got me into comic books and since I drew him so many times as a kid, he’s the character on whom I really developed my art skills. In fact, the earliest surviving piece of Matt-art is a picture of Batman. Batman is easily the character that I’ve customized the most. Black, blue, animated, artist-specific, stylized… no version of the character seems too obscure for me to purchase for my collection, or for me to customize one of my own. You’d think I might get tired of customizing Batman over and over again, but I really have a blast with the character and love all the various interpretations.At least by staying primarily with one character, it gives me a lot of focus. This might explain why all my Doctor Who projects never get finished. With that line there are simply SO many characters I want to make, I’ll start on a new one before finishing up any already started project.

Whether it be illustrations or customizations, do you have any dream projects you’d like to work on?

It’s funny you say that. With the DC Minimates line, I was able to combine both my love of toys and illustrating. The S.T.R.I.P.E. Minimate was based off not only my control art, but if you remove the chest piece, you can see my illustration as well, in the form of his inner cockpit. That was definitely a fun project, creatively speaking. And, since I’m *such* a Batman fan, getting to help design a DC line really was a dream come true! Hopefully the Doctor Who Minimates will see the light of day. Ever since I was a kid, Batman and Doctor Who were my two biggest passions, and to have the opportunity to design toys for both lines? Seriously, that is my dream come true.

Are you looking forward to The Dark Knight?

That opens soon, right? I might catch it at some point. In reality, my wife and I are checking it out Friday night. Can’t wait! Obviously, I don’t know more than anyone else out there, but I have such ridiculous high hopes for this movie. I seem to remember the website TheOneRing.net having a countdown clock for when “Fellowship of the Ring” was to be released. I found myself obsessively checking that, and then unintentionally counting down the days in my head. 12 months, 6 months… 25 days, etc. The website Batman-on-Film.com has a similar countdown clock, and it feels like I’ve been counting down the days to Dark Knight for as long as I can remember. After this Saturday, though, it’ll be interesting to see what is next in line to obsess over. Sure, there’s Iron Man 2 and the Avengers, but for me I need to know when Batman 3 is in the works!

What are some projects Iron-Cow is working on right now?

Most of what I’m doing these days isn’t toy-related at all. I’ve been contributing art to the GREENDOG and EPIC THREADS fashion line that’s exclusive to Macy’s. That’s definitely been an interesting project, as they allow me so much creative freedom. Walking into a store and seeing my art hanging there on the rack gets me grinning from ear to ear. I’ve also been putting together a huge series of portrait paintings for an art show later this year. One of these should be appearing in the upcoming ‘Eye Candy for Strangers’ coffee table book, so look for a sneak peek this summer!

If someone was insulting New Jersey would you go along with them and come up with zingers of your own or would you defend the honor of Jersey and explain all the reasons why it’s great? Either way we won’t hold it against you!

Now WHY would anyone insult Jersey? Now, Texas, on the other hand… you do NOT mess with!

Thank you Matt! I appreciate it!

Wow, Matt is even designing art for clothing lines! And he’s comical too. He was obviously being funny when I asked about The Dark Knight and he replied “That’s opens soon right?” Haha! You can check out Matt’s work at http://www.ironcowprod.com/! He’s got a great Michael Keaton/Batman customization posted there among a TON of other great stuff. Be sure to look out for his customized figures, illustrations, and free downloads to help with your own customizations!
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Seduced by Barbie

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Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…

You see, as a child growing up with an older sister it was extremely difficult to get her to do “boy things” with me. Somehow when my sister finally caved in on those random occasions, I found myself unfulfilled when she would play as the Princess Leia action figure. Of course if it was He-Man time, she would be Teela. She wasn’t the worst action figure player but she wasn’t quite in tune with the “scene” if you catch my drift. She didn’t know Eternia from Ecuador. Ram Man could’ve been a mythological creature who was half ram and half man for all she knew. But alas she gave it her best effort. My sister’s finest skills weren’t in the creating of an original storyline to have the action figures take part in but they were in merely setting up the figures as if they were going to be in some sort of photo shoot. She would say things like “Let’s put all the good guys over here and the bad guys over here.” She was very organizational with these plastic heroes of mine. I guess I didn’t mind either because at least she was paying attention to me. There’d be times when she actually would play with her Barbie dolls and do their hair and make sure they all had the right outfits on and then set them up against the wall to show them off. To my sister it seemed like the details were more important than what adventures her dolls would be partaking in.

When my sister was in her Barbie doll playing mood, she’d be on one side of the room while I’d be on the other with my action figures. At first I detested these Barbies but then after I watched her through the open mouth of castle gray skull I realized she was having a fabulous time. (There’s another strike against me, I just used the word FABULOUS!) It wasn’t that my figures and playsets weren’t fulfilling me it was just that she seemed like she was accomplishing something with her Barbie Dolls while I sat with a bunch of hunks of plastic and Moss Man. There was a lot more pressure on me to create my own little stories to act out with the Universe of He-Man, GI Joe, WWF, etc. She could sit there and throw Skipper on a horse and have a super good time while Barbie and Ken made out on a park bench. It was that easy. Dammit, you could have anything happen in the ginormous Barbie Dream house she had. Fuck, it was called a DREAM HOUSE! Anything could happen in it! My sister even had the Barbie yacht that floated around in the pool! Talk about a cool invention! She had the Barbie corvette and everything you could possibly think of. This was the early ‘80s when Barbie was expanding her hobbies and accessories beyond your wildest dreams. Barbie’s family and group of friends suddenly grew extensively as if she just found out that she had another entire family in a parallel universe.

With her Barbie collection there was so much to be enticed by. Meanwhile I had already planned Skeletor to invade Grayskull and rule Eternia about a bazillion times. Buzz Off was getting a little boring and Duke, Shipwreck, and Zartan were already fed up with my unoriginal plots that I’d been casting them in. Let’s just say one day we all had a little falling out and I defected to the OTHER side of the room…my SISTERS side of the room.

If you’ve ever seen the episode of That ‘70s show where Kelso lets Jackie do his hair and makeup and then puts him in a dress, that’s the way I felt that day but I had fun. This move was voluntary and purely for investigative purposes. Naturally as a young healthy boy I would never think of playing with Barbie dolls, unless Cobra was plotting a terrorist attack on Barbie’s Dream house. Nah, I didn’t have anything elaborate like that planned but it just looked like fun. After my sister showed me how to primp these bitches then I set off hot-rodding in her corvette and chillin’ out in the DREAM HOUSE. It was that day that I fell in love with a hot little piece of plastic and her name was Skipper.

To be continued…
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Knockoffs in Disguise

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With the hysteria of the new Transformers movie and living in a world of constant nostalgia, I wanted to share a revelation that I came to recently. It had nothing to do with the meaning of life, or the fact that I feel I was meant to finally bring Dingbat and the Creeps to the Broadway stage. This is one of those little mysteries that I was bent on solving.

I got into a conversation at work about Transformers. Believe it or not, it was about the fact that I didn’t have too many Transformer toys as a kid and rarely watched the show that much. I did catch the show on occasion and I did have the original, awesome Optimus Prime figure/truck. It was a killer toy. For my taste, I was never too intrigued by the Transformers. I was more of a fan of the Go-Bots for some reason even though robots in general never did it for me unless it was C3PO, R2D2, or Vicki from Small Wonder.

The Go-bots were basically a knock-off of Transformers. They road the wave of popularity that transforming robots created in the ’80s. I mentioned in this nostalgic powwow that I had one Go-bot figure whose name escaped me but I remembered what it looked like. It was then my mission to scour the Internet for the exact figure I had. Luckily I found this site that had a list of every Transformer and Go-Bot toy ever made. I checked each and every one of them twice with no luck finding my old toy. It was frustrating to think that the mighty Internet couldn’t solve this mystery for me. It shows how reliant I am on the net, but there really isn’t any other way to find this kind of thing out easily. I figured if it wasn’t a Transformer and it wasn’t that specific Go-Bot that I thought then what the hell was it?

My friend Steve sent me a link to check out in hopes that I may get to the bottom of this.
http://www.toyarchive.com/Gobots/StoreDisplayShellConvert.html

I’m sure it was my birthday or Christmastime and an Aunt, Uncle, or cousin actually drove up to get gas at Shell and remembered that they didn’t by little Jay a gift! Oh crap! Luckily they are selling these knockoff Go-Bots aptly named CONVERTIBLE ROBOTS, and you can get one when you buy some gas. I can honestly say that I had alot of knockoff toys in my childhood because the real ones were always more expensive and sometimes harder to find. This knockoff, even though generic, was more convincing as it took me over 20 years to figure out that it was a ripoff and not a real Go-Bot or Transformer. It was perfect for kid who wasn’t a huge fan of either of the shows because I had no idea that it wasn’t even a real character. It truly was a robot in disguise.

There aren’t many things in life that are worse than knowing you had a knockoff of Go-Bo figure as a child. What a sad memory to hold in my heart! I owned a knockoff of a knockoff. I think falling into the toilet and getting your ass all wet just after you took a shit might be the only thing worse.

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Saturday Night with ECPW

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A friend of mine invited me to go to a local wrestling event on Saturday. I can’t say that I was apprehensive because I am a big wrestling fan and I haven’t seen him in a while. We drove to the ECPW headquarters in Lake Hiawatha, N.J. Upon arrival we entered into the “backstage area” which houses a practice ring and all the guys are warming up there. I first thought that the ring I saw was the one we’d be witnessing the event in, and thankfully I was wrong. As we made our way to the actual event area, I noticed that it looked like a basement from the 70’s where random Kenner Star Wars toys should be strewn about. The concrete walls were painted black and one wall was spray painted with the word ADRENALINE in green. Spotlights were shining on the ring and there were families and girlfriends of the wrestlers in the audience. After seeing the guy with the DV cam, and being reminded by my friend, I realized it was a TV taping. This event was to air as several separate shows on public access. The show was introduced by Dave Cunningham, the capable ring announcer.

The wrestlers that came out were, of course, no match for the guys you see on WWE every Monday night, but they were on the right track. Some of the characterization needs more originality considering that they have a Canadian faction that appears frequently. The Canadian Outlaws are decent in the ring, but I think it’s an overdone gimmick. Kevin Apollo is the all American baby face who definitely needs to improve his mic skills but he kept my attention and he has good in ring ability. Surprisingly, the crowd roots for him even though he’s shameless about being “the nice guy.” I’m a fan even though he’d get eaten alive in WWE. Same goes for Jay Santana although his top notch ring skills overshadow his “Ariba” screams. Gil Quest is a stellar athlete with a great theme song : “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid. It’s painfully obvious that Playboy Marcus Shields stole his gimmick from the Rock. It’s also pretty apparent that Vincent Valentine is one of the more talented on the roster. He’s a great talker and he’s definitely effective as a heel in the Army of Darkness. I kept calling the other member of the army Maxx Payne and Man Mountain Rock because that’s how he looked regardless that his name is Legion. The Hot Shot Mike Reed looks like a cross between Kip James (The Ass Man) and as my friend Steve said former Chicago Bear, Jim McMahon.

The tag champs The Owens were getting some negative feedback from the crowd, but they are a hard hitting tag team who remind of a young Hart Foundation minus the great technical skill of Bret. I really enjoyed the Jedi tag team (The Next Generation) who come to the ring wielding light sabers and when in need of a tag simply tell their partner to “use the force.” I’m not sure if they are being serious or not because it comes off hysterical.

The managers of ECPW are quite memorable. Padrone is an stereotypical Italian manager of the probably un-Italian Dan Mandini who’s no relation to the Mortal

Kombat/WuTang/Marijuana mark the Great Blazini. The Creeper, is just that, a little creepy guy who carries around a rubber rat. Leaving the building I even saw the pompous and arrogant manager Doug Devito get into his Cadillac while still puffing on his cigar.

Considering the production qualities aren’t the best the show was still fun. Watching a show like this brings me back to the basics. The focus isn’t on the owners daughter, or necrophilia, or running someone over with a Bigfoot truck. The focus is on wrestling, and the spectacle of having many different personalities team up in the squared circle to put on a show. The competitors showed that they were dedicated to the sport, they got most of their spots right, and they stayed in character. Run by wrestling veteran Gino Caruso, this wrestling organization reminds me of how WWE was when I was growing up. With time, and with their public access show, the ECPW is bound to take off like ECW did. Check them out at www.ECPW1.com, it’s a chance to see some future wrestling stars while they’re still accessible.

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