Purple Stuff Podcast: WrestleMania Minutiae!

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It’s that time of the year again! The weather starts cutting out the below zero temps and gives us that Spring feeling of being alive again. Although the Fall is by far my favorite season, Spring is second, but not because of blooming flowers…because of booming bodyslams! That’s right, its time to celebrate the WWE’s grandest event of the year, WrestleMania! Even if the last time you watched WWE was when Stone Cold Steve Austin was still the champ, you can still hop back on board at any time. Right now is the best time because WrestleMania is always a fun time. Hardcore fans dissect every event and suck the goodness out of everything, but this is one block of 4 hours each year that I dive completely into the pro-wrestling zone and enjoy it as if I were 5 years old again. It’s actually pretty refreshing, and maybe even more-so if you are not super into the WWE world. If you aren’t jaded to all of it you may even have more of a blast than many of us critical bastards! Regardless, here are 6 tips on maximizing your WrestleMania day:

  1. Eliminate interruptions. You may be tempted to hop on Twitter or scroll through your Instagram feed during any lulls, but trust me, it can wait. You’ll have time during the Kid Rock promo so plan the social media breaks strategically. Many bands have banned cell phones at their concerts, so take a cue from The Misfits and enjoy WrestleMania as if it was the ’80s and early ’90s when you weren’t bogged down by the damn phone. I’m sure I will get texts during the show, but unless it’s an emergency, it can wait! When The Goddess is on TV, everything else gets put on hold.

2. Drink. Doesn’t have to be liquor. If you aren’t into that, get a lot of Root Beer or Mountain Dew on ice. You will need to have an excuse to run to the bathroom if a match starts to bore you out of your smoking skull. (that’s a Stone Cold reference if you didn’t catch it!)

3. Set up a comfortable viewing area, but not too comfortable! You want the pillows and blankets, but don’t accidentally promote a sleeping environment for you and your squad. This is a mistake. There’s plenty of time for that later on. If this is your first WWE event in a while, it will feel like it’s 17 hours.

4. Food! You can actually get winded just by living vicariously through watching these super athletes do what they do best so you will need nourishment. My advice is to balance out the crap with some good healthy stuff. Sounds boring, but you’ll thank me afterward! If you’re eating nothing but garbage all day and night, by the end of the event you’ll want to bust. You’ll feel like an alien is ripping out of your stomach. It’s worthwhile to cut up some fruits and veggies and drink water here and there. You have to pace yourself between all the Doritos and buffalo wings.

5. Treat the day like it’s a holiday. For me, WrestleMania has always been a holiday. To some, The Super Bowl is the big day, but for me this is monumental. Even if it winds up sucking, there’ so much excitement and enthusiasm on this day. The memories of Mania’s past come rushing back and you can enjoy them all day long if you have the WWE Network. With all great holidays, reminiscing is a major part of them and this is no different. You might wear an ugly sweater to a Christmas party, so be sure to wear your favorite Wrestler’s t-shirt or hat. I can’t forget this one, the music! We listen to Christmas carols during Christmas and spooky music during Halloween, so get your bluetooth speaker out and stream WWE music all day long, heck, all weekend long! And since you’re going to be up late and all pumped, think about taking the next day off. They won’t kill you.

6. LISTEN TO THE NEWEST EPISODE OF THE PURPLE STUFF PODCAST! The newest episode of The Purple Stuff Podcast is all about inconsequential aspects of all the WrestleManias so far. Matt from Dinosaur Dracula and I have compiled 10 pieces of minutiae that we find interesting enough to talk about for an hour. Topics include, The Undertaker’s outrageous act, A whacked out Piper’s Pit, The Mistress of the Dark, and the greatest pro wrestling entrance of all time! Check it out on iTunes, Stitcher, Podbean, and the Google Play store! Thanks for tuning in.

Now, let’s take you down to our broadcasting team of Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura…

NXT: Con. Hall Brawl in Asbury Park!

NXTSoldOutAsburyPark

Let me catch you up on some of the cool shit that’s been going down in The Armpit of the Universe.

A couple of months back, I scored tickets to see NXT Live on February 19th, and I basically forced Dinosaur Dracula to come with me. I didn’t give him much of a choice at all – it was like, “Dude, I got tickets to NXT, don’t make plans that day.” Matt was on board for it and I was extra pumped. It wasn’t only momentous for the fact that I’d be seeing an NXT house show virtually in my backyard, but there was a little more to it. Continue reading NXT: Con. Hall Brawl in Asbury Park!

Daniel Bryan Comes to iPlay America!

Relinquishing the Intercontinental Title sucks. It will truly be upsetting if Daniel Bryan’s story comes to an end this year. There’s times in WWE when you don’t really know if they have a surprise in the storyline up their sleeve or not, but Bryan’s latest injury is apparently legit enough to take him out of action, possibly forever. Daniel Bryan’s WWE career wasn’t as long as his fans would’ve hoped, but it was filled with some stellar moments. If it’s determined that his career is indeed being forced to end, he’s left a great legacy in the indies and WWE behind him.

Fortunately for his fans, Daniel Bryan is still fulfilling his meet and greet engagements (YES! YES! YES!) One of these opportunities comes on June 28th, 2015 at iPlay America in Freehold, NJ. iPlay has become a recurring venue for WWE Superstar Meet and Greets and I think that’s awesome. I couldn’t think of a better place to meet these guys – it’s a freaking indoor amusement park! Tickets are mostly sold out, (NO! NO! NO!) but there are some left for parents who are accompanying their children.

Jon Stewart to Appear on WWE Raw Live from Newark, NJ Tonight

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WWE Superstar Seth Rollins recently called out the soon to be former host of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart. The Money in the Bank winner declared that he could be Stewart’s replacement and actually make the show watchable.

After Stewart cut his own rebuttal, Rollins ambushed him on one of his recent shows by making it seem like he was beamed in via satellite when he was actually right there in the studio. WWE has now confirmed that Stewart will appear on Raw tonight, live from The Prudential Center in Newark to possibly confront Rollins. Will they settle their gripe at WrestleMania? Doubtful that Stewart would actually take a bump, so it’s likely he will be in the corner of Rollins’ opponent at WrestleMania. Right now, it looks like Rollins will be facing “The Viper” Randy Orton.

Although he was born in New York, Jon Stewart’s family moved to Lawrenceville, NJ, where he lived for many years. When thinking of the path to becoming a household name in stand-up comedy and Television, it’s easy to forget the odd jobs one takes on the way to the top. Before satirizing the news on The Daily Show, appearing in movies, and a possible appearance at this year’s WrestleMania, Stewart held various jobs in Jersey, including working as a contingency planner for the NJ Department of Human Services and a bartender at the famous City Gardens night club in Trenton. Stewart is also a big Bruce Springsteen fan, naturally.

Hulk Hogan’s Birthday and Meeting The WWE Hall of Famer at iPlay America

Super Posedown: The Sexy Armpit and The Hulkster 
at iPlay Americain Freehold, NJ

CM Punk once said: “…I have zero faith in Hulk Hogan as a man who’s what…60 years old and tries to dress like he’s 18 and he lives on the Jersey Shore…” While I can’t agree on the faith in the Hulkster part, I sort of agree that Hulk has been looking a little bit Jersey as of late. Or maybe some of us here in NJ have tried to look like him? The horde of Hulkamaniacs on line for Hulk Hogan Uncut at iPlay America in Freehold on August 2nd, 2014 were all donning their red and yellow while some wore black and white N.W.O t-shirts. Since today is the Hulkster’s birthday and there will be a bash for him on WWE Monday Night Raw tonight, let’s look back at the Hulk Hogan Uncut event I attended at iPlay last weekend.

Hulk was usually billed from Venice Beach, and later, Hollywood. California may have some beautiful weather and states like Hawaii and Colorado may have the happiest people in the country, but New Jersey has definitely got to be king of the quirk. If you believe what you see on TV, you probably think all we’re good for is fist pumping guidos at Jersey Shore clubs, but I’m here to tell you, it isn’t all like that. Where else can you run into perhaps the greatest professional wrestling icons of all time, go to a KISS and Def Leppard concert, and stroll around a Punk Rock Flea Market all in one weekend? Last weekend was surely a jam packed pop-culture filled experience and it all kicked off in huge way: a meet and greet with the immortal Hulk Hogan!

To me, nothing beats a weekend where I have absolutely nothing planned. It’s not that it makes me feel like the weekend is full of possibilities, it’s more that I know I can settle in for a couple of days of doing absolutely nothing and kicking ass at it. Many of us claim to be the best lazy f*ckers around, but daddy says I’m the best at it. That was my Vacation tribute.

Winning the championship of couch laying was not in the cards for me. I actually had stuff to do. I felt like it may have been too much, but it was fun stuff, so how I could I complain? It’s one thing if I had to go to some banquet hall and get dressed up for a family function, but it’s quite another that I was slated to go to a nearby cavernous indoor arcade to meet my childhood wrestling hero.

We made our way down Route 9 toward iPlay America in Freehold for Uncut with Hulk Hogan. The event included a Q&A session followed by a meet and greet for fans. I’d passed on two meet and greets with the Hulkster in previous years, but I felt like this was the one that I couldn’t miss. I already had tickets to see KISS later that night with Miss Sexy Armpit, so why not complicate the day even more and tack on another thing for us to do? Fortunately it was on the way down to Atlantic City and the timing worked out perfectly, so it was meant to be.

Accompanied by Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart, The Hulkster answered questions submitted by the fans and offered insight into some of his biggest career milestones. If you’re a fan and have seen WWE’s Hulk Hogan DVD collections, you’ve seen and heard much of the content here, but they did leak the fact that Hogan would appear on Raw in two weeks, which is tonight. That little spoiler was definitely an exclusive for us before it was officially announced by WWE.

The Hulkster was genuinely happy to meet with everyone. He flexed and smiled for photos with each fan and when it came time for The Sexy Armpit, I didn’t pull any punches, brother. First he said “Sweet shirt, brother!” in regards to my Thunderlips t-shirt from Barber Shop Window which is a parody of the classic Hulkamania t-shirt, but with the name of his Rocky III character in the same font. I blasted a “Thanks Hulk!” in reply, then I immediately asked him if we could do one of his iconic poses, one of my favorites from his ring celebrations at the conclusion of his matches. If Hulk said no, my second option would’ve been the Rip’Em hand gesture from No Holds Barred. Surprisingly I didn’t see anyone do that, where’s the love for NHB people?

I’m glad we took part in this event because Hulk was very cool. Often, meeting celebrities turns out to be a big letdown. After my very brief exchange with Hulk, I raked his back and then hightailed my ass out of there. I’m kidding of course, I raked his eyes.

This awesome experience all went down at iPlay America, which is a fantastic place for kids as well as adults. It’s basically an indoor amusement park with an arcade and an upscale Atlantic City casino atmosphere. If you’re in the ti-state area, it’s well worth it to pack the kids into the car and make the trip to Freehold, NJ.

I don’t even think the staff of iPlay had any idea of the onslaught of people that showed up to Hulk Hogan Uncut. I’ve read a few articles about this event floating around that basically referred to this as having “a nice little turnout.” That is a total understatement. I don’t have an accurate head count but a shit ton of people showed up to see Hulk and I’m almost positive that it was completely sold out. It’s not surprising either, considering all the exposure Hulk has been getting since returning to WWE TV this year.

In this case “…and today is his birthday” doesn’t refer to Jason Voorhees, but the Hulkster. Yes, today IS his birthday and Jimmy Hart’s spoiler that Hogan would be on Raw tonight was accurate, but what they didn’t mention is that there are rumors swirling of a possible N.W.O reunion tonight. Tune in tonight, brothers!

http://iplayamerica.com/
110 Schanck Rd.
Freehold, NJ 07728

The Immortal Hulk Hogan Comes to Freehold, NJ!

Hulk Hogan UNCUT is a special event coming to iPlay America in Freehold on Saturday, August 2nd, 2014.

New Jersey has had it’s share of Hulk Hogan moments, but this one will give fans a rare opportunity to be a part of a Q&A with the Hulkster as well as a meet and greet. I would’ve found out about this one too late if it weren’t for my sister shooting me a text about it. So, thanks to the Sexy Armpit’s sister, BROTHER! See what I did there?

For a guy who grew up a little Hulkamaniac, I’m pretty pumped to be a part of this intimate event with one of the greatest and most charismatic professional wrestlers of all time, WWE Hall of Famer, Hulk Hogan.

I checked iPlay America out back in the fall with Dinosaur Dracula and although we only had the chance to play a few games, this place is like an Atlantic City casino, minus the actual gambling and cigarette smoke. There’s video games, rides, food and live events all within such a cool atmosphere. In the few years it’s been open, iPlay has quickly become a destination for concerts, comedy, UFC events, and other celebrity appearances.

General admission tickets for HH Uncut as well as two different tiers of VIP tickets are available now at the following link: http://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/617157?utm_medium=bks

Go here for the iPlay America Hulk Hogan UNCUT event page

iPlay America Event Center
110 Schanck Road
Freehold, NJ

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 114: Enzo Amore Ain’t SAWFT!

Upon his debut in 2013, NXT Superstar, “The Certified G” Enzo Amore, made a big impression on me not only because he exploits his Jerseyness, but also because he’s a natural showman. He’s so savvy on the mic that he sounds like he’s been in the business longer than a lot of the guys on the main WWE roster. After recovering from a broken leg, Amore returned to the NXT ring in late June 2014.

At first, it’s easy to think that he’s simply a caricature of an obnoxious jersey shore loudmouth, but Amore does it with a lot more style and pizzazz. His knack for comedy, gift of gab, and on-screen antics lead to many amusing bits with his friend and tag team partner Colin Cassady. Referring to themselves as the realest guys in the room, this duo makes me laugh and they’ve definitely won over the NXT crowd as well.

Amore a.k.a Eric Arndt, was born in Hackensack and attended Waldwick High School while Cassady hails from Queens, New York. These guys have known each other since high school and it translates to their presence on NXT. Their impact on the NXT universe has warranted their first official t-shirt which is a sure sign that Amore and Cassady have already scored a pretty decent degree of success in the wrestling business.

Although, one thing makes me scratch my head a bit about this tee. Since I do own this shirt, as a fan I’ll be wearing it and essentially calling myself SAWFT. That’s a derogatory term that Amore often calls his opponents. I’m going to stop questioning it and just be thankful that Amore and his shtick is making it in the business. Forget headed for the main roster, that’s a no-brainer, this guy could eventually become a WWE legend.

Straight from the WWE Shop Zone T-shirt description:
Dubbing himself “Jersey’s finest,” Enzo Amore reps the Garden State “like 225 on a barbell, 10 pounds of hair gel, steadily working on his swell.” The realest guy in the room everywhere he goes, Enzo Amore is a straight shooter. He speaks his mind at all times and at an incredible rate.

Enzo Amore’s official WWE.com Bio:

WWE’s Damien Sandow Does New Jersey Like A BOSS!

After floating around on the card aimlessly for a while with no true storyline, the multi talented WWE Superstar Damien Sandow is finally coming into his own, well not really his own.

Sandow has been getting over pretty big ever since he’s been impersonating other characters. He’s been showing up as everyone from X-Men villain Magneto to Davy Crockett. This week on Monday Night Raw was his biggest highlight yet as he showed up as Vince McMahon himself barreling down to ringside.

Tonight at the Prudential Center in Newark, during a live Smackdown taping, Sandow showed up as none other than New Jersey’s rock and roll icon, The Boss BRUCE Springsteen! Now I can’t wait to watch the broadcast this Friday on WWE Smackdown!

We thanked our good friend Kenny for the tip and photos on this since he was reporting live from Smackdown and he replied back just as Sandow would with a sarcastic…YOU’RE WELCOME!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 113: RAW IS JERSEY!

NJ IS RAW! at Barber Shop Window

Even if you’re not a wrestling fan, you might have heard about the WWE Network. It’s like Netflix for the WWE. After spending over a week with it, I can honestly say it’s one of the most awesome things ever. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, for only $9.99 a month, you get the option of watching any WWE, ECW, and WCW pay-per-view ever (including the latest monthly events) along with a ton of other programming. I’ve been glued to it every single day since it premiered on 2/24. This brings me to the t-shirt of the day which is perfect for fans of New Jersey and WWE.

If you are indeed a WWE fan, it’s a pretty damn cool time to be one. Monday nights have been pretty interesting as the company is building up for their biggest event of the year: Wrestlemania 30! Get ready to feel old: Monday Night Raw, the WWE’s live 3-hour show, has been airing for over 20 years (even more sick: I’ve been watching WWF/E for over 30 years!) You could imagine that being able to sit around and relive all these great memories has been quite amazing. The only thing better would be sitting around in an appropriate t-shirt.

Wrestling t-shirt gurus Barber Shop Window offer all kinds of funny and ironic wrestling tees that depict wrestlers and slogans spanning from the present to as far back as you can remember. It’s hard to log on to their site and not want to buy at least 5 or 6 shirts in one shot, but who has that kind of money besides The Million Dollar Man? I can help you make a decision though. If you look forward to watching live wrestling on Monday Nights, and you have pride in your state, go with their “Your State is RAW!” series of tees.

This t-shirt series will bring you back to wrestling’s territory days because they feature the shape of your state in the style of the WWE logo! Pictured above is the New Jersey version (obviously) and it will make you chant and scream in the loudest possible register, just like the fans at the Izod Center did the night after Wrestlemania 29!

These tees may soon become nostalgic in their own right. The front of the shirts use the same WWE “scratch logo” design which seems like it’s slowly being phased out in favor of the newer and much more sleek WWE logo that premiered with the Network. Don’t let that stop you from representing your pride in the business and your state at the same time. 

Flea Market Fiasco!

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Recently I mentioned to Dinosaur Dracula that I had never been to the Englishtown Flea Market. For some reason, I’ve been to every other damn flea market in existence, but not Englishtown. Lived in Jersey my entire life, never been. To others from around here, that’s not an outrage or an insult or anything, but it’s more like “you’ve breathed in air before, right?” I felt that 2014 was the time to finally make this trip happen.

The flea market is not far away and I always heard friends mention that they tend to find cool stuff there, so I really had no justification for never going there. Who better to join me on my first visit to this place than Dino Drac? Partners in crime is really an appropriate moniker for all the calamity and misadventures we’ve inadvertently entangled ourselves in. Matt’s been there several times and he kept mentioning a pretty awesome vintage toy shop that he found in one of the buildings. That was literally all I needed to hear to get me to want to go.

Also encouraging me was the forecast, Saturday was going to be partly sunny and reach the low 50s. Since most of us in the Tri-State area have been cooped up at home for the last month or so battling all these ridiculous snow storms, it was about time that we had a nice sunny day that we could go outside and enjoy rather than breaking our backs shoveling snow and freezing our asses off. Parts of this flea market are indoors while many of the vendors are outdoors, so either way it was a win.

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Loose TMNT figures on a peg board at the Flea Market

Matt, Ms.X, and myself took a laid back drive down Route 9 as I sipped a Monster and we bullshitted. None of us knew what we could encounter on this day. The possibilities were endless. How many useless things would I come home with? I was feeling really confident that going to Englishtown was the right decision. It was the perfect thing to do on the first sunny and mild Saturday we had in forever. Spending it with good friends and having a few laughs was the right move. It’s almost like therapy after the mind numbing grind of a long work week. It all made sense…for a little while.

Finding parking is one aspect of my life that I don’t like to spend too much time on. I’m not sure it’s an actual pet peeve, but for instance, I have absolutely no time in my life to waste on searching for the perfect parking spot at a mall during the holidays. I’d just as soon park 2 miles away and walk. I was pleased to find that the parking scene at the Englishtown Flea Market wasn’t even bad at all. Considering there were two huge lots to park in, I didn’t have to stress about it.

The first lot was literally made of mud. The entire ground was all mud. I started into some My Cousin Vinny lines while we all made the conscious decision NOT to park in the lot that was all mud because my car might sink into the mud and we’d be stranded there. I pulled right out of there and drove into the adjacent lot which, oddly enough, only had about 7 cars in it. Fortunately, this lot wasn’t all mud, it was ALL ice and slush. Much of the ice and snow started melting in the past few days but we figured it would be wiser to park on ice and melted snow than…mud. I walked away with the positivity that we made a very clear headed decision that would benefit us in the long run.

Hopping over puddles and snow, into the flea market we went. At first, it reminded me of any other outdoor flea market. Lots of vendors, lots of similar crap. Discounted drinks in bulk. Women’s bags. Cheap fragrances. Insanely huge Rey Mysterio blankets. You know, all that kind of stuff. Flea Market stuff.

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Airbrushed Terminator T-Shirt and my personal fav: DOUG.
What’s a New Jersey Flea Market without an airbrush shop?

I knew not to really expect much from a flea market because they’re usually inundated with aisle after aisle of the same crap. As you walk through the rows of vendors you’ll notice every 3 of them offer bootleg action figures. You know them – the multi-pack where Batman looks like he’s a repainted Frankenstein and Superman has blue hair and a very scared look on his face. Then always right beside those are bootleg Marvel and Power Rangers figures.

Down each aisle we ventured to see the real garage sale type fare. These people offered the kind of items you might see at a local yard sale or out on the curb in your neighborhood. Piles of used clothes, old cassette tapes, old stereo equipment, random packs of gum, and that was all the high end shit. Down one of these aisles of doom is where I made my first of two purchases of the day.

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If you’ve had no luck trying to track down a high quality King Tut sweatshirt, 
Englishtown Auction is YOUR one stop shop! *Thank you to Sam for correcting me in the comments- I mistakenly referred to this as the Sphinx.

A couple of sellers had random piles of old records. If you know me, I need more records like I need a hole in my head, but for those who aren’t aware, I don’t need more music options at home. I’m inundated as it is. But to me, when it comes to vinyl, I completely grasp the sound differences, but it’s more about discovering a record I would enjoy in a big pile of them and then appreciating the front and back cover art, that’s what really grabs me. Out of piles from two different sellers, I found Blondie’s Parallel Lines and the Flashdance Soundtrack. Although I’ve never even seen Flashdance, it’s got a pretty legendary soundtrack and a great cover, so I went with it. A buck each!

The sun was beaming down and we were enjoying the day as we continued scanning each table. “Let’s check in one of these buildings to see if we can find that toy shop,” Matt said in a very Jay is probably going to write about this so I will make this sentence sound very generic sort of way. The interior definitely reminded me of the types of flea markets that I’ve been to in the past, so I was in familiar territory now. The giant drums of pickles, airbrushed t-shirts, the faint scent of leather, it was all present.

We couldn’t find the toy shop in the first building we went into, but the day was young. Matt and Mrs.X bought some fresh spicy nuts imported from TOMS RIVER, NJ, which I guess is the spicy nut capital of New Jersey. You’d think I would’ve known this tidbit, but I had no clue!

We stopped into a few decent shops, but couldn’t find the one Matt was describing to me.

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There was an action figure shop that had tons of wrestling figures, G.I Joe’s, and TMNT figures, so we were guided by the scent of old plastic and dust. This is where my second purchase comes in. Total impulse buy. At one time I owned every WWF Hasbro figure ever and eventually I sold them on eBay like a chump for no good reason. For a while now I had the original Macho Man Randy Savage back on my radar. This was not the Macho King or the later Macho Man release with the white jacket and hat – this was the original with the star trunks. $10. So worth it, wouldn’t you agree?

We did manage to find one shop that housed everything for your army/navy surplus needs all the way to a Ben Cooper style Jake Lloyd costume from Phantom Menace. There’s four dealers in the world who specialize in young Anakin collectibles and this guy must be one of them. This store looked like someone’s basement. 50 years worth of dusty junk packed into this tiny little store. Hanging from the ceiling and stuffed into shelves were a couple of TV trays that caught my eye. One was Batman Returns and the other was E.T. I can’t remember the exact price the guy quoted me for the used Batman Returns tray, but I believe he said he couldn’t accept less than $20 – $30 dollars because “these TV trays are really hot right now.”

At this point, I was almost happy that we didn’t find the toy shop yet because knowing me I would’ve found something that I desperately wanted for some exorbitant amount of money. The same moment that thought crossed my mind is the exact same moment Matt found the toy shop. He wasn’t joking, this place is the crown jewel of the Englishtown Auction. Matt and Ms.X had me close my eyes as I walked in. Opened them up and was immediately in awe.

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I spy a Jack Napier WANTED Poster hanging on the wall!

From a vintage Strawberry Shortcake bake shop to about 200 original Kenner Star Wars figures in varying degrees of condition, this place was definitely worth the trip. You’re not going to get yard sale prices here though, prices here basically mirror what’s on eBay. Nothing stood out for me specifically, but I think this is where Matt came into contact with his latest toy “adoptions” as it were. More on that in a bit.

Next, I needed to find a bathroom to pee out all the energy drink from earlier. We found one and I cautiously entered. I saw a bathroom greeter, the type of greeter you might see at a swank restaurant. Sometimes they hold the towel for you as you wash your hands. Well, this guy was the absolute greatest men’s room greeter OF ALL TIME. This was his schpeel word for word or as accurate as I can remember it: “WELCOME TO THE BATHROOM MY GOOD MAN, I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY, THIS BATHROOM IS VERY CLEAN AND SMELLS OF FINE, FRESH CITRUS FRUITS, IF YOU SO CHOOSE PLEASE LEAVE A SMALL TOKEN OF YOUR APPRECIATION AND YOU WILL BE GRANTED ONE WISH – THE CHOICE OF ANY CANDY OUT OF THE 8 RANDOM PIECES ON THIS MAGICAL PLATE THAT I FOUND OUTSIDE. PLEASE COME BACK AGAIN VERY SOON.”

On that note, we ended our stay at the Englishtown Flea Market. 
We headed back to the car. Happy with all our purchases we hopped in and I started up the car and the music. Only problem was, the wheels were spinning, but we weren’t moving. We were kicking up lots of mud and eventually it sunk into our heads that WE were also sunk…IN THE MUD. Underneath all the snow and slush was mud, just like that other lot. Who knew that we probably would’ve been better off parking in that other lot after all? 
Matt suggested that we use our records to wedge under the wheels to give the car some traction. It was a valiant effort. Him and I then used our incredible super powers to try to push the car out, but that didn’t work either. Ms.X wasn’t afraid to get down and dirty and she hacked away at large pieces of ice near the wheels. Luckily I had a shovel in the back of my car and I was trying to shovel us out, to no avail. There was no winning this battle. The wheels were sunken into the mud about halfway! Making matters worse, the front bumper of the car was hanging over one of those concrete stoppers that kept you from driving out onto the road. This cause the front of the car to basically snap off.
My only defense was calling road service. As I did that, a nice guy with a giant 4-wheel drive ORV with bullet holes the size of matzoh balls who looked like Lebron James offered to tie a rope to the back of my car and attempt to pull me out. This guy also helped several other cars that got stuck in the mud and slush as well. Thank you to that guy. I would say “if he’s reading this,” but there’s less than zero chance that he read The Sexy Armpit. This guy saved us from sacrificing those records!

englishtown06 

We needed to get on the road so this day didn’t start to deteriorate even more rapidly. With some parts of the undercarriage dangling onto the road we hightailed it out of there. After a few miles, Ms.X and I saw a Mexican place on route 9 that reminded us of Jose Tejas. Formerly Damon’s Grill, this place took on a Mexican gimmick back in October. I’d been interested in going there, but haven’t had the chance. As we came upon it, I abruptly made an executive decision and turned into the parking lot. We needed some Mexican beer, Patron, Mexican food, and of course, guacamole power – in that order. It saved the day…for a little while. Name of the place is Rosalita’s Roadside Cantina in Manalapan, NJ if you’re ever in the area or want to replicate this debacle of a trip.

Thanks to Matt and Ms.X for all their help and their patience. We were all soaked and full of mud, but they persevered! Once we got home, I brought down the mood once again by losing an eBay auction on an item that I wanted more than you can imagine for the better part of my life. What a day! Thank God Miss Sexy Armpit brought snacks.

*I urge you to read about Matt’s finds from this experience. Being the benevolent guy he is, he found “5 Misfit Toys” that needed a home, and he paid the adoption fees and signed all the paper work so he could give them a good home. READ ALL ABOUT IT AT THIS LINK OVER AT DINOSAUR DRACULA!!