Rip a Hit From The EVIL BONG…in 3-D and SNIFF-O-RAMA!

Yes, I do have enough brain cells to realize that today is 4/20. But today I’ll be telling you about another important day which is a little less than a month away. On May 14th, Full Moon Features’ Horror Roadshow, featuring the local premiere of Evil Bong 3-D The Wrath of Bong, will make it’s last stop at The Forum Theater Arts Center in Metuchen, New Jersey. Unfortunately, I missed out on the last couple of Full Moon’s roadshows in my area, so I’m anxious to experience it for the first time. Lucky for me, this installment of Evil Bong will be in 3-D and features Sniff-O-Rama! Wait, that’s not all! There’s also going to be a Full Moon Film Fest as well!


The festivities begin at 4pm and they won’t close up shop until approximately midnight folks. That means you will have plenty of time to take in the scene. Special guests will include producer and director Charles Band, Barbara Crampton, and Charlie Spradling among others. You’ll also be able to purchase lots of Full Moon Merch as well as take part in audience participation.

Described as a “galactic stoner horror comedy,” Charles Band himself has been quoted as saying that Evil Bong 3-D has a “record amount of naked alien beauties, boobies, and reefer hits to ever be presented in 3-D.” I’d say this is truly some good news. If you’re already a fan of the Evil Bong series, you need to be at this event!

There aren’t many filmmakers who will bring their films directly to the fans, but Charles Band takes it to the next level. He not only comes to town personally to screen his new film, but he’s also bringing guests and an over the top roadshow. Who needs the corporate movie marketing machine of regurgitated crap? As the legendary KISS would say, it’s going to be like “you’re in the Psycho Circus.”

Tickets are available NOW!

Forum Theater Arts Center
314 Main Street
Metuchen NJ 08840

Blue Milk & The Technicolor Twilight Zone


I’m a big supporter of writers and journalism in general but the article pictured above from the April 2009 issue of Family Fun Magazine is pretty damn awful. Absurd as a matter of fact. Linda Ann Daffron from Ramsey, NJ offers a “magical” prank for the kids in the family to try, most likely on one of their parents, (whichever one ISN’T reading the article and explaining to them how to pull it off). Here’s the short version of the directions 1) Get a cereal bowl and squeeze a few drops of food coloring into the bowl (blue food coloring pictured) 2) Pour dry cereal into the bowl and then once the unsuspecting schmuck pours milk into the cereal bowl they’ll have a bowl full of blue milk to surprise them. Is putting food coloring in a cereal bowl really that big of a trick, oh wait sorry, a “deliciously deceptive ruse?” Family Fun Magazine clearly thinks it is.

Here’s how the prank may unfold: “OH MY GOD! MY EFFING MILK IS BLUE!!! I feel totally PUNKED right now! I hope you didn’t videotape my reaction because I would’ve literally gone into massive seizures.” Will the family member really think they entered a “Technicolor Twilight Zone?” Wow, I want to enter that zone in a bad way. I thought I actually was there for a short period of time back in the mid ’90s when every stoner was trying their best to bring back tie-dye shirts. Just a hunch, but whoever wrote this one up must not be at all familiar with Boo Berry (it’s only existed for over 35 years), and it’s also safe to assume they missed the boat on Superman Crunch. These two offerings are examples of cereals that turn your milk blue without the assistance of food coloring. It’s a much easier world we live in, one where we don’t need no stinkin’ food coloring to turn our milk blue.

C’mon Linda, give me a break, you couldn’t do any better than that? Are you even a real person? Writers occasionally like to make up names and places in order to give the impression of realism. After you read the article it seems as if FAMILY FUN is getting a half ton of reader mail (or a kajillion as I’ve been referring to it as lately). People must be clamoring like maniacs to throw in their two cents on what wacky prank should be spotlighted next month. I actually feel bad ripping the mag, but can they really expect us to believe that parents and other fully grown human beings aren’t aware of the basic concept of food coloring? It’s not like 3 year old Tyler is going to be skimming microfiche machines for old periodicals that may help him cook up his next whimsical caper.

And as for our New Jersey friend Linda, stop trying to reinvent the wheel OK? Next thing you know you’ll be telling us we could use food coloring to dye Easter eggs, now that would just be a downright insult because we all know that’s utterly impossible. Are the folks in Ramsey, NJ not being kept busy enough in their lives that they have time to send in these radtacular ideas? I hope to Zod that Linda doesn’t go around to her weekly social gatherings spewing out little tricks for the kids to do. I got news for you Linda, you’re making people’s lives completely miserable. Oh, you know I’m just kidding with you Lind, you’re awesome…you just have too much damn time on your hands.

A Closer Look:

As you can see, the wacky multicolored font used in the word PRANKS, and the white “A” and exclamation mark, seem to signify that things are a little off kilter. There’s that little rambunctious kid in the circle (possibly a neighbor who we think has no family), not sure if its a boy or a girl, but does it really matter? Whatever their sex is, they are clearly rascally and live for getting into trouble and hijinks (one can assume this thanks to the obligatory head nod/eye wink combo…believe me, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of one of these or you may have flashbacks to films like Problem Child or Home Alone). Even “Gotcha!” is spelled out as if the wicked head nod/eye wink combo didn’t overly explain that one enough. On a completely unrelated note, why did they decide that the traditionally white speech balloon should now be orange? Is it just because they’re all about color coordination with silly Billy’s polo shirt he’s rocking? Maybe that was a prank too! Uh-oh, here comes Linda with her good ol’ Photoshop pranks! Prank #1: How to turn your speech bubble ORANGE!

To all the dairy companies out there: End this Magic Milk Bowl bullshit once and for all. Skip the middle man (food coloring) and finally market Blue Milk or Blue Skim Milk (for those of us in Jedi training). It seems like a no brainer to me. Hey George Lucas, could you pass up a mutually beneficial partnership with a dairy company to sell a nutritious drink for all us Star Wars nerds to gulp down? Tuscan Dairy, and Parmalat are you listening?

NJ’s Kal Penn Becomes White House Liaison

After marrying, having sex with, and committing domestic abuse against a gigantic bag of weed as Kumar in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, actor Kal Penn has become the Associate Director of The White House’s office of Public Liaison. This piece of news gives hope to the millions and MILLIONS of New Jersey stoners out there who are just begging and toiling to acccomplish something this prestigious. It’s clear that one of the reasons the White House wanted Penn is due to his superior work ethic. In addition to his role in the Harold and Kumar series, Penn has also starred as Taj in the Van Wilder series, Superman Returns, and a stint on the TV series 24.

According to Wikipedia:
Penn was born in Montclair and attended Marlboro Middle School and Howell High school in New Jersey. His character on the Princeton, NJ-based show House, Dr. Lawrence Kutner, was recently killed off in order for Penn to begin his work for the White House.

Penn is surely making The Sexy Armpit proud, but I’ll always remember him this way:

Jersey Boy Makes Good…Porn!


And now…get lubed up for The Sexy Armpit’s “long” and amusing Interview with Mike Zute!

ARMPIT: You’ve heard of the old cliché “Jack of all trades” right? Well meet the “Jackhammer of all trades” Mike Zute. ( He’s a music writer, producer, and performer who also somehow has time to make adult films and run a XXX site. So Mike, you head up a successful N.J band, you write songs, you photograph women, and produce your own porn films for sale at ( How the hell do you juggle all those jugs…uhh..I mean jobs?

ZUTE: Jugs, Grapefruits, Melons, Knockers… I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing half the time! Seriously, It’s a true test of organization. And my theory of “If I want to do something then I will do it”… Instead of sitting around wondering what it would be like to have a rock band and a porn site; I spend every spare minute planning and executing my next actions in those said endeavors… Working a day job adds some stress, but the added income eases the stress in the finances needed for these ZUTE projects.

ARMPIT: Mike, are you a lifelong New Jersey native? Some visitors to this site think that my blog is called The Sexy Armpit because I’m into some wacky fetish, but that’s not the case. It’s all about defending the Garden State from all it’s detractors. Quick… off the top of your head…(not that head!) tell us 3 things you love about Jersey. OK, I know it’s hard since there’s so much negative crap so I’ll cut you slack. Give me 2 and then if you can think of 3 I’ll give you an extra website plug lol.

ZUTE: Yes, I was born, raised, and dropped on my head a few times in Jersey! 3 things: #1- The Jersey Shore. I go there a few times every summer. I love to body surf the waves, check out the hot chicks on the beach, and try not to get sunburn. #2- The New York Giants, who play in E. Rutherford, NJ. #3- Great Italian Restaurants and Pizzerias, even though I can’t eat too much cheese because it’s bad for my singing voice!

ARMPIT: Ding Ding Ding…We have a WINNER! An erotic convention was supposed to take place in Secaucus NJ recently but the town voted to keep it out of the Meadowlands convention center. Now, it’s slated to take place in Edison NJ. Can you elaborate to the readers of The Sexy Armpit about how ridiculous this is especially because 25 miles away over in Manhattan it wouldn’t be a problem.

ZUTE: An unfortunate failure with Jersey is that a lot of our state’s people are socially retarded and behind the times. Some people still think criminals and child molesters run the porn industry. It’s so the opposite. I basically self taught myself the legalese in this biz, and it was like I put myself through a Law School class. The adult biz is so regulated now, that if you are not an honest, intelligent producer with organized records, the Feds will close down your site / business in no time. Back to the question, The expo can’t offend anyone because it is closed to the general public. You have to pay an admission and “want to be offended” in order to enter. The City of Secaucus loses out on the income they would have made.

ARMPIT: You recently were hanging with Ron Jeremy at an “adult film” convention. Do you feel like you really made it after experiencing that?

ZUTE: I don’t feel as if I’ve “made it” big in the Porn world. I’m just glad I’m good enough (at producing, acting, editing, and promoting) to still be involved in it. A similar feeling drives me to keep it up with my rock band. Ha ha ha, I said “keep it up”!

ARMPIT: Did you always want to get into making porn films or is this something that you just stumbled onto?

ZUTE: Wow, I could go on forever w/ this one. Somewhere around the middle 90’s I started considering it. After the Tommy Lee / Pam Anderson film came out in the later 90’s, I became seriously interested. Seeing how a popular musician and actress boosted their publicity (& income) with a simple amateur sex tape was very inspiring. By the time I had enough funds saved, learned the legal biz factors, and researched potential models, it was 2003. I started making films that year. This was before I even knew how to edit films or how to design a website… (I do have an engineering degree from NJIT, so when I kick myself in the ass, I can really learn and accomplish things.) Anyhow, I also was busy preparing the first lineup of the ZUTE band to play out, so I was stressed to the max. My guitarist at the time kept asking me to let him see some of my porn films… I planned to eventually release this stuff, and I unfortunately trusted him with a copy. He quit the band soon afterward in Summer 2004. He owned the band website domain, so he wanted me to pay him $3000 for the domain name… When I said no way, he published a clip of me getting a blow job (from Isabel) on that site, and he posted all these ridiculous defamatory lies on the screen. Word gets around quick that I’m in an adult film. When I threatened to get the Feds after him for U.S.C. 2257 violations he took the site down. Seeing the hits the site got, I was more upset that I got no income from this! Instead of suing him, I put all my efforts into getting my ZuteGirl Models plan in action. (With the web design help of my new guitarist, Cory) I posted the semi nude Strip down pics of the ZuteGirls on the new band website ( in early 2005. The goal was to keep the semi nude pics on the ZUTE band site and then put a link to the adult site once I finished designing it. But, too many female fans of the band complained about semi nude pics of chicks on the band’s website. I even put comical semi nude pics of myself on there to draw more attention. The focus was taken away from the music, so I agreed w/ my band members to remove the semi nude pictures, and just keep the “nice” (clothed) Zute Girl pictures on the Band website. I immediately posted some of the semi nude chicks on… Finally, a few months later in 2005 went live. I put a link to it from the “Nice” ZuteGirls pics page on the band website, which also has its own domain Simple answer, eh?

ARMPIT: I’ve seen some of your work and I appreciate the unorthodox way you direct your films. You put the girls in little sketches and talk to them in a laid back interview atmosphere. I dig it. Have all the girls said “your command is my wish” or has there been instances where they gave you a hard time about not wanting to do something you asked?

ZUTE: Good Questions. A lot of girls were surprised by the respectful laid back interview. More than once a girl has said to me: “Ok, is this an interview where I’m supposed to say I’m 18, I’ve never been filmed before, I’m a whore and all I ever want to do is suck cock?” Once I tell a girl “No, it’s a real interview and you can say whatever the hell you want,” then she is usually more into the rest of the session because I treated her like a human being. She is now at ease. Once we get to the sex, she is more comfortable with me and performs much more naturally… In terms of the skits, some girls have added input on changing their lines… I am open minded, so if I like her idea, then I let her roll with it…. As far as sex, I’ve had complete cooperation thus far. I haven’t made any girls do any painful positions. So, I’m not sure how they’d react if I was very adamant about an uncomfortable position…

ARMPIT: Before her death last year you featured Haley Paige in one of your films, can you tell us a little about your experience working with her, and how did you feel after hearing of her death?

ZUTE: The stories about her personality are no lie. She really was a sweetheart. She actually showed up late to the session for “Lost Cell Phones Ep #5,” but was very apologetic. She was very easy to work with, and didn’t give me any attitude problems whatsoever. She was calm and collective with a positive attitude throughout the shoot. She liked working the camera on Harmony & I, and she looked forward to directing films in the future. I was very shocked upon hearing about her death. Mostly because she seemed like a girl who was in control of her life. She did not show signs of someone with a drug problem…. How did she end up with that loser who ultimately ended up killing her? (Or if he didn’t directly kill her, he influenced her to get involved with the junk… Wang Dang Dong or whatever the fuck his name is?) I don’t understand…

ARMPIT: You feature some really hot chicks on your site My favorite happens to be Pamela. Have you ever caught feelings for any of the actresses your working with?

ZUTE: Yeah, Madison Bijou James stands out a lot… She was just so down to earth and took great interest in my original concept, which was to combine modeling and porn in a fun atmosphere… She even sent me a “Thank you for the fuck film” card a few days after that shoot in 11/2004. She has since stopped doing porn and recently had her 2nd kid. She lives in Colorado. Naudia Rio, was really sweet also. Most girls were really cool. Pamela was a little stuck up, because she knew her popularity was growing. There was a different Canadian Chick named Ocean who was a real bitch… Other than her, all the ZuteGirls are really cool.

ARMPIT: Are all your friends and bandmates jealous of you that you get to be with all these hot chicks?

ZUTE: Well first off, I will say that the ex guitarist (who hijacked the first Zute Band website) thought he would destroy both my music and porn careers by posting slanderous crap. He probably did that out of jealousy: The ZUTE band was doing much better without him, and he is way too unattractive to do porn. My success is the best form of revenge against him and other various detractors. Otherwise, my current band mates and male friends have been very cool about my Zute Girl endeavors. If anything, they just joke around about it. I try not to talk about my porn experiences, unless someone specifically asks… On another tangent of this question, I am dating a girl who is very jealous of the ZuteGirl models and wants me to stop doing porn. (Even though she knew I did this before we got sexually involved.)… So, I don’t know what else to say!

ARMPIT: JAY + LACIE HEART = Can you make it happen? Christmas is coming up you know!

ZUTE: If it were only that easy! And she is smokin’ hot! Seriously, I’m only making about 4 films / year, so I’m not consistently working with any one model or modeling agent… Only the huge porn companies have that kind of wealth and power… I’m still the “little guy”, right now. When I get aroused it becomes a slightly bigger little guy…

ARMPIT: If one decides against purchasing the Video On Demand through the site and opts for an old school DVD, Are there Easter eggs on the DVDs? Any cool mysterious hidden crap on there?

ZUTE: I put Original ZUTE band demos in the first few I sold… But then it became tedious and time consuming with the whole process… But now I’ve seen less of DVD sales and much more VOD / (pay per minute) sales… That is definitely the future of the industry.

ARMPIT: Have you developed a trademark sex move or saying? Any crazy upside down shit or anything (i.e. the zute shuffle or the zutinator?)

ZUTE: No trademark move yet, but you’ve got the ideas flowing! In terms of sayings, I’ve been over using the word “indeed” for years… Also, I think at some point in the sex scene of every film I end up saying “You’re such a Naughty Zute Girl.” It seems cliché, but it does fit at the time…. (Of course in my upper head, during sex, I’m often calculating batting averages, trying to remember song lyrics, and mentally reciting the Greek alphabet. Those are my favorite ways to prevent cumming too early!)

ARMPIT: I’ll have to keep those in mind. Or I’ll think of Man-At-Arms banging Oprah Winfrey. The following definitions are taken directly from Urban Dictionary. com. Just as they ask visitors to give a thumbs up and thumbs down to rate the accuracy of each definition can you provide your expert opinion as to the accuracy of these?

1) Another name for a marijuana joint. When its contents are purely cannabis (without any tobacco to pad it out)
ZUTE: maybe

2) marijuana which is grinded so it is thinner so it is easier to smoke. orr half or that zute mate! ZUTE: maybe

3) To be beyond retarded while intoxicated or high
ZUTE: the closest indeed!

ZUTE: I always felt the slang definition of “Zuted” was to be high in good style. Number 3 is a bit extreme on the definition, but hey, if it works for the general public, then fine. Also, I’ve heard that a marijuana joint laced w/ PCP in the 1970’s was referred to as a “Zootie.” Actually, there are other factors that go into why I use the name ZUTE. It sounds a little bit like my last name… Also, in Monty Python, there was a funny scene with the “bad Zute girl.”

ARMPIT: And finally, can you give us any insight to what’s in store for the future of your films? Any spoilers you could give us?

ZUTE: The first anal penetration I’ve performed on film was on Trina Michaels in a threesome film along with Mindy Main. That will be released by late this year or early next year. Also, I’ve produced films of girls doing solo masturbation w/ dildo. I might eventually add another person to work the camera, aside from the girls, the tripod, and me… As far as plots, I already have a different story line from “Lost Cell Phones”, but I won’t count out new Episodes of that series from “popping up” once in while.
Thanks for talking to The Sexy Armpit, Mike! Go check out Mike’s various endeavors, they’re Zutarific! Be sure to visit the adult site at: . See Zute the Band playing gigs all over New Jersey! Head over to and for more info!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.6: Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle

They weren’t lying in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, we New Jerseyans can really put away massive amounts of White Castle burgers. Although, I’d hate to disappoint you, not everyone in New Jersey is a stoner but we definitely have our fair share of characters who are. The legendary Jay and Silent Bob oh so proudly enjoyed some herbal refreshments: “who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts!” and then Harold and Kumar followed in their footsteps, albeit in a more nerdy and culturally diverse way. The film depicts their wild and outlandish journey to get some White Castles to feed their craving.

As I’ve mentioned in the previous installments of New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments, (or NJ’sGPCM’s if you’re into the whole brevity thing) is that seeing a film or TV show where your state and surrounding cities get name dropped is really freakin’ cool. Even though the film gives the impression that it’s 100% Jersey, Harold and Kumar was filmed mostly in Canada and Los Angeles. Filming in New Jersey is expensive but there are some scenes filmed in Hoboken N.J and on the Garden State Parkway.

On their quest for some sliders, Harold and Kumar hold up traffic at a toll because their change didn’t activate the light to go green. Every car horn explodes because the impatient Jersey drivers can’t handle the delay. In usual Jersey style, the raging, belligerent a-hole behind them sticks his head out the window and screams at them: “Hey MOVE YOUR ASS!…MOVE YOU FUCKING TWAT…MOVE YOU RETARDED COCK SUCKER! MOVE!” That’s a typical day on the road in Jersey. God has granted you peace if you live in another state. If so, bless you, you’ll be able to live a calm, stress free life.

After getting cursed off, Harold and Kumar get off at the wrong exit and wind up in Newark. Kumar had the exact same sentiments we all have when we’re driving through Newark: “You know we’re gonna get shot!” From there, the boys get to New Brunswick just to find out that the lame Burger Shack has replaced White Castle! It seemed to be one disappointment after another until the guys are hiding from security in the girls bathroom. Then they had to suffer through two hot British girls playing a little game called “battleshits.”

The film featured a few notable cameos. Jaime Kennedy turned in possibly the creepiest performance he’s ever done, and Ryan Reynolds played a supergay doctor. It’s just a hunch, but something tells me that the Johnny come lately’s are going to be snatching copies of Harold and Kumar up so they can see Silk Spectre II’s boobies if they missed it the first time. That’s right, Malin Akerman plays Liane the hot girlfriend of the disgusting Freakshow. And I cannot forget Neil Patrick Harris’ brilliant, horny, drug induced appearance before he came out with his gay revelation.
Look out for Kumar’s love montage with a gigantic bag of weed to the tune of Heart’s “Crazy on You.” It’s one of the most hysterical scenes ever, especially after Kumar backhands the bag of weed: “Learn how to make coffee you fucking whore!” Even though I haven’t watched the sequel yet, I salute Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle for being a modern Jersey classic!