Have you ever actually bought an old, used, smelly, stained t-shirt on eBay? Personally, I can’t say that I have, but there must be enough people out there who do because there sure are a ton of eBay stores that specialize in what they call “vintage” t-shirts. In this case, vintage is a word that makes old and worn out sound somewhat desirable. These t-shirts aren’t the trendy, distressed, logo tees that you see at Target labeled Large but only seem to fit boys in 3rd grade, rather they are from whatever year YOU were in the 3rd grade. In many households the next step for these tees is either the trash, or the nearest good will clothing bin. The Sexy Armpit would probably throw the better quality ones in the good will bin, while the shittiest one would be used to dust off old electronics. We are in America after all, a country where so many people out there think, “why can’t we make a buck off of these ancient rags rather than donate them to people who are less fortunate.” What complete douchebags.
Boy, am I relieved that Kellogs has infused CALCIUM into their morning toaster pastries. Never before has eating a Pop Tart been this exciting! Even before adding their new ingredient, Pop Tarts weren’t the worst choice for a fast breakfast. With the latest info that calcium may ward off colon cancer, you have the perfect excuse to eat these babies 3-4 times a day at a minimum. When you see what all the people at my job are eating at the cafeteria in the morning, these Pop Tarts don’t seem all that bad in comparison.
I’ve always been a fan of Pop Tarts, but more specifically, untoasted Frosted Cherry or Frosted Brown Sugar Pop Tarts. I feel ancient when I stroll through the aisle at the grocery store and see all these crazy variations of Pop Tarts considering I remember the days when Kellogs only offered about 4 different flavors. Now you name it, they offer it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they release Creme Brule Pop Tarts, or even Tiramisu. (I was just kidding but I found out they actually make Dulce De Leche) Clearly, Kellogs is taking this a little overboard, but the big push for exotic varieties in toaster pastries really makes the brand name Pop Tarts stand out on the shelves.
As a cousin to their Strawberry Milkshake version, Kellogs has released Vanilla Milkshake Pop Tarts. Whenever I go to White Castle, I have to order a vanilla milkshake. I’m not sure why but it’s just something about their shakes. I enjoy vanilla milkshakes so I was banking on these Tarts being pretty damn awesome. As soon as I got home, I poured a highball of ice cold milk, grabbed a paper plate, and ripped open the foil wrapping. Colored sprinkles were sparse, but the fact that they were there made me happy. I cut the first tart in two pieces and noticed the filling was pretty gooey and moist which was an immediate difference from the other varieties. The fruit filling is usually more of a paste-like consistency.
Have you ever wondered what the correlation is between The Beastie Boys, South Orange, Slyders, and Secaucus? No? Well, I’m going to explain it anyway!
They weren’t lying in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, we New Jerseyans can really put away massive amounts of White Castle burgers. Although, I’d hate to disappoint you, not everyone in New Jersey is a stoner but we definitely have our fair share of characters who are. The legendary Jay and Silent Bob oh so proudly enjoyed some herbal refreshments: “who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts!” and then Harold and Kumar followed in their footsteps, albeit in a more nerdy and culturally diverse way. The film depicts their wild and outlandish journey to get some White Castles to feed their craving.
As I’ve mentioned in the previous installments of New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments, (or NJ’sGPCM’s if you’re into the whole brevity thing) is that seeing a film or TV show where your state and surrounding cities get name dropped is really freakin’ cool. Even though the film gives the impression that it’s 100% Jersey, Harold and Kumar was filmed mostly in Canada and Los Angeles. Filming in New Jersey is expensive but there are some scenes filmed in Hoboken N.J and on the Garden State Parkway.
On their quest for some sliders, Harold and Kumar hold up traffic at a toll because their change didn’t activate the light to go green. Every car horn explodes because the impatient Jersey drivers can’t handle the delay. In usual Jersey style, the raging, belligerent a-hole behind them sticks his head out the window and screams at them: “Hey MOVE YOUR ASS!…MOVE YOU FUCKING TWAT…MOVE YOU RETARDED COCK SUCKER! MOVE!” That’s a typical day on the road in Jersey. God has granted you peace if you live in another state. If so, bless you, you’ll be able to live a calm, stress free life.
After getting cursed off, Harold and Kumar get off at the wrong exit and wind up in Newark. Kumar had the exact same sentiments we all have when we’re driving through Newark: “You know we’re gonna get shot!” From there, the boys get to New Brunswick just to find out that the lame Burger Shack has replaced White Castle! It seemed to be one disappointment after another until the guys are hiding from security in the girls bathroom. Then they had to suffer through two hot British girls playing a little game called “battleshits.”
The film featured a few notable cameos. Jaime Kennedy turned in possibly the creepiest performance he’s ever done, and Ryan Reynolds played a supergay doctor. It’s just a hunch, but something tells me that the Johnny come lately’s are going to be snatching copies of Harold and Kumar up so they can see Silk Spectre II’s boobies if they missed it the first time. That’s right, Malin Akerman plays Liane the hot girlfriend of the disgusting Freakshow. And I cannot forget Neil Patrick Harris’ brilliant, horny, drug induced appearance before he came out with his gay revelation.
Look out for Kumar’s love montage with a gigantic bag of weed to the tune of Heart’s “Crazy on You.” It’s one of the most hysterical scenes ever, especially after Kumar backhands the bag of weed: “Learn how to make coffee you fucking whore!” Even though I haven’t watched the sequel yet, I salute Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle for being a modern Jersey classic!
It’s important to be honest with your audience. This is precisely why I’m going to share with you an idea that I’ve been wrestling with in my head for a while now. I’ve been torn as to whether or not I should change the name of this blog. It’s a month or so shy of being THREE years that I’ve owned and operated some form of TheSexyArmpit.com. As a guy who enjoys the peculiar and offensive, I thought it was a perfect name for the website that I was running. Following an egotistical name like “jayontherocks.com” I had to rebound with something original but not as focused on myself or my former radio career.
I’m pretty definite that I’m sick of explaining the meaning of “TheSexyArmpit.com.” Even though it’s always made perfect sense to me, people just don’t get it. Once I got smart and jumped on blogger, I wrote a quick synopsis in my profile. New Jersey or several towns in N.J have always been referred to as “The Armpit of America,” or “…of the Universe.” It just sounded funny to call a place that’s relentlessy dissed for being so filthy and grimy, SEXY!
Unfortunately ArmpitofAmerica.com was already taken. What the hell does that address link to anyway? NOTHING GOOD THAT’S FO SHO!! I could have done so much more damage with that name. I would’ve been inducted to the blogging hall of fame, I would’ve had rip away shirts with the name on it, I would’ve thrown frisbees out to the crowd with blog entries printed on them. In fact, ArmpitofAmerica’s satirical nature would’ve even tickled President Bush’s fancy and I would’ve already dined at the freakin’ White House wit ‘dem dare Bush folks. Now, of course, I will eat happily at White Castle instead of the White House. As you know there are many White Castles in the Armpit of America, that’s what’s so great about America. We can eat Burgers in a Castle in the middle of an Armpit. It’s pretty damn amazing. But when you have even your own father telling you to change the name of the blog, it kind of makes you wonder.
If you’ve read this far into the blog, I am basically in love with you regardless of your sex. As the British electro-pop icon extrordinaire D.J Shanks describes it “My small cult of underground fans.”