Pop Tarts: Vanilla Milkshake


Boy, am I relieved that Kellogs has infused CALCIUM into their morning toaster pastries. Never before has eating a Pop Tart been this exciting! Even before adding their new ingredient, Pop Tarts weren’t the worst choice for a fast breakfast. With the latest info that calcium may ward off colon cancer, you have the perfect excuse to eat these babies 3-4 times a day at a minimum. When you see what all the people at my job are eating at the cafeteria in the morning, these Pop Tarts don’t seem all that bad in comparison.

I’ve always been a fan of Pop Tarts, but more specifically, untoasted Frosted Cherry or Frosted Brown Sugar Pop Tarts. I feel ancient when I stroll through the aisle at the grocery store and see all these crazy variations of Pop Tarts considering I remember the days when Kellogs only offered about 4 different flavors. Now you name it, they offer it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they release Creme Brule Pop Tarts, or even Tiramisu. (I was just kidding but I found out they actually make Dulce De Leche) Clearly, Kellogs is taking this a little overboard, but the big push for exotic varieties in toaster pastries really makes the brand name Pop Tarts stand out on the shelves.


As a cousin to their Strawberry Milkshake version, Kellogs has released Vanilla Milkshake Pop Tarts. Whenever I go to White Castle, I have to order a vanilla milkshake. I’m not sure why but it’s just something about their shakes. I enjoy vanilla milkshakes so I was banking on these Tarts being pretty damn awesome. As soon as I got home, I poured a highball of ice cold milk, grabbed a paper plate, and ripped open the foil wrapping. Colored sprinkles were sparse, but the fact that they were there made me happy. I cut the first tart in two pieces and noticed the filling was pretty gooey and moist which was an immediate difference from the other varieties. The fruit filling is usually more of a paste-like consistency.

The flavor was dead-on-balls accurate! These things taste just like a vanilla milkshake! The milkshake flavor is authentic and the sweetness isn’t overpowering. I recommend them if you are a fan of vanilla milkshakes. Next I’m hoping to try Orange Cream, whole grain, and their Fiberrific versions.

The Batcut

Harry Potter has been a phenomenon with young kids and adults for years now, but does that mean people have been going to their local hair salon and asking for “The Potter?” Kid and Play and Vanilla Ice have had influence on trendy hairstyles but neither of them had the type of impact to make a guy do THIS:
Aside from Beatlemania, I doubt anything will ever be bigger than Batmania. I’m glad I was around for it. Sure, we’re all eagerly anticipating The Dark Knight’s release but the feeling is nowhere near the feeling that came over the world in 1989 when Batman starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson was released. It could have been that it was almost 20 years at that point since Batman was blasting onto the small screen. The Batman TV show was cancelled in 1968 and Tim Burton’s version didn’t hit theaters until 1989. It’s almost legendary how bad producers in Hollywood wanted to get a Batman movie going after the success of the Superman saga.

Like Tom Petty once said, “…the waiting is the hardest part” and I guess finally getting what we were waiting for made us do some pretty outrageous things like shaving bat symbols into our heads. It’s possible I might get reprimanded at my job if I pulled a stunt like this, so in honor of The Dark Knight’s release I’ll continue to obsessively write Batman related entries until the films release. Pictured above is a clip I scanned from my collection. It was printed in a local newspaper in ’89.

If Things Never Got Cold

The summer is approaching and the weather is heating up. Man, I can’t describe how much I take my central air for granted as I sit in an 83 degree condo. We already know what happens when it gets hot since we’ve heard it in a ton of songs. Gonna Make You Sweat, Hot in Herre, Hotter Than Hell, Feelin’ Hot, Hot, Hot. Even the poor misunderstood Paris said “That’s hot.” But what happens if things didn’t ever get cold? Those iconic songs and quotes will seem like a Nostradamus prophecy.

For Van Winkle’s sake we wouldn’t have Ice Ice Baby
And the nipples wouldn’t get hard on your lady
There would be no cubes to drop in her drink
After you slip those roofies to get to into her pink
How would hockey players skate in the rink?
Want to go see the rollerblade capades? It’s fun, I swear!
Kids wouldn’t get to savor snow days, it wouldn’t be fair!
Freeky Freezies would be well…um…just plain freaky
But I’d still have the hots for Emmanuelle Chriqui
Jack Torrance wouldn’t have been frozen in the maze
Too Cold, Too Cold…it’s the phrase that pays
and that badass will lose his ice cold gaze
Say hello to your new chief of staff Johnny Blaze
It’s a cream truck now since it lost it’s “Ice”
it’s the worst occurrence since Bo B… (oops! no “ice”)
You’ll never have to break the ice or pretend to be nice
You wouldn’t be “iced out” so there’d be no name for jewelry in hip hop
although shorts would still be acceptable on that hot cop
Think about it…Icee’s would turn into Meltees
and you’d have no use for cold eeze.
IMDB wouldn’t acknowledge Arnold’s turn as Mr. Freeze
Unfortunately not much would change with Ree-Yees
What would I do in suburbia without iced tea?
Could we still play We Ski for the Wii?
No icebergs, so the Titanic wouldn’t sink
it’s a scorcher out there, so have yourself a warm drink
Fughetabout Fla-vor-ice you freaks
And NO ICE in 9 1/2 weeks 🙁
Hey look what’s not freezing…the stream of piss as you’re taking a leak. Goodbye to that Hoth planet. Take more clothes off! Dammit Janet! Freeze tag reverts back to the plain old tag, and you’ll never need de-icer on the windshield of your brand new jag. David Blaine ain’t living in a block of ice in New York, and the Yeti has gone into hiding and feels like a total dork. Your pillow is never cold when you lay down your head and the toilet seat is never cold when you sit your ass on the head. To think i can’t even call Lacie Heart HOT anymore but at least we’ll still have our memories of the cold war. Cool ice sculptures would become no more than a spill on the floor.

In the middle of the 3rd period there was a big hit on center puddle and on the football field you won’t see the players breath in the huddle. If you’re desperately wishing for a blizzard, you’ll have to go see the wizard. He’ll also give you a melting klondike bar, figure out what you want to do with it. Maybe you’ll eat it with Iceman Tom Kazansky, you know he can chomp down on that shit. From Chily Willy to Frosty the Snowman and Cookie Puss to Fudgie the Whale it’s all over for them, hammer their coffin with a nail. Icy Hot is still in business no surprise. What the heck are Eskimo pies? Freezing over? What’s with all those lies?
Tourism to Hell is on the rise. Global Warming can suck my d–k, how about 2 nice big snow balls to lick?

We’d experience hot season never “cold season.” Your assets would never get frozen. You’re girl would never complain that it was too cold to take her clothes off. Not only during the holidays would our hearts be warm. Paula Abdul would be missing a hit “Cold Hearted Snake.” And kids wouldn’t fall through a half frozen lake. Never again would a Wendy’s frosty touch your lips, or a 7-11 Slurpee tingle your tongue.

The cliché a cold day in hell would become obsolete. The cryogenic chamber scene in Austin Powers would be edited out of the film. Erased from existence…much like Marty might have been. “What is it hot?“ no cold…damn cold. Not anymore. Leftovers such as Meatloaf would spoil, even if it’s in a deep freeze and riding a motorcycle. You’d now have more of a reason to cover up the fact that Snow Job was your favorite G.I Joe character. Al Snow..well…you can call him “Al”…you must. Skiing and snowboarding would be pretty asinine. The popular pastime of Snowballing…well that would still happen since temperature isn’t really involved. But I would imagine it’s fairly warm.

Tone Loc still can’t remember how her made his medina cold. Wanna kill someone? Damn sure it won’t be in cold blood. Everyone would want to perform in front of large crowds cause they’ll never get cold feet. The band Hot Hot Heat record an updated version of the national anthem. The people of Alaska and and the Arctic polar bears would have year long yub-yub type celebrations. This just in: Steve Austin brings back “Stunning” moniker. Bruce Springsteen will get hit with a 10th avenue melt out. Oh, and about that new horror film that came out this week…if it was a few years ago…critics would’ve hailed it as “Chilling.” You’d always be able to find shit that people have hidden on you. Guess where your birthday gift is? You’re warm…you’re geting hot…you’re burning up…you’re on frickin’ fire! Wow, this is easy! Maybe sitting in this 83 degree condo isn’t so bad after all.

Illustrious Art Found at Hooters?

At the risk of sounding like a frat boy, I admit I’ve been to Hooters many times. It’s never on the list of “places I want to go” but to appease my best friend I go with him. We order a pitcher of Bud Light and usually check out whatever Yankees or Giants game is on depending on the season. Even with the girls walking around in tight little orange spandex shorts and low cut white tops I’m honestly not paying much attention to them.

Besides savoring the hops in my beer, (yeah right) I do something probably no man does while at Hooters. I look at the pictures on the wall! That’s right I said it! If you’ve ever gone to T.G.I Friday’s or Applebee’s, you may have found yourself looking at the junk they have scattered on the walls. I never really noticed the photos on the walls at Hooters until this visit. We sat down at a table and it wasn’t until possibly 20 minutes into our visit that my eyes bulged out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. I couldn’t believe that I was sitting to the right of the greatest picture that Hooters has ever taken or will ever be taken in the future. This is a picture that doesn’t only belong on the wall to the Hooters we were in, it belongs in EVERY Hooters location in North America. They need to enclose it in an airtight glass vault in the middle of every Hooters for all to witness and pay their respects to. This picture warrants a dedicated spot in the Smithsonian.
OK, well you may not think so but I did…

It was a photo of the one and only Rob Van Winkle a.k.a Vanilla Ice with a host of Hooters girls from the early ’90s. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was to be in the same presence as this picture instead of the nowhere near as good “Kathy Ireland Meets the Hooters Girls” and “Dan Marino Meets The Hooters Girls.” Glad I didn’t have to suffer an hour through looking at those worthless photos! They can burn as far as I’m concerned because all other Hooters pictures pale in comparison. There’s an unparalleled amount of class in showcasing a photo of Vanilla Ice with a bunch of Hooters girls. Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel is hack work compared to this masterpiece.

Kick Out the Jams, Bennigan’s!

Even though it was a cold, bitter Saturday night, my girl and I were up for going out. We agreed on going to see “The Hitcher.” She had some passes to a theater chain that I’ve only been to once but we figured we’d give it a shot. We hopped on 287 to South Plainfield and drove into the parking lot of the theater. I immediately saw a line forming at the box office which was situated OUTSIDE the theater. How many thousands of years ago was this place built that you need Eskimo gear to actually purchase tickets? After declaring this as definite CRAP, my girlfriend decided to nonchalantly drop in the fact that they DIDN’T have stadium seating! This was an afterthought to her because she doesn’t understand that my viewing experience is paramount to me actually venturing outside my domain to go see a movie. The surrounding must be pretty damn good for me to go see a new movie considering it’ll probably be on cable in a matter of months. Add all of that to the fact that there wasn’t a parking spot in sight because the lot only had 43 spots. Needless to say I vetoed the movie theater idea as fast as you can say “What a shitty remake!”

The lady was hungry so Bennigan’s it was. I swear nowadays you cannot go in there without thinking of the movie Waiting. As we pushed through the entrance doors we were greeted by the Bennigan’s guy and he informed us that “they’re running about a 15-20 minute wait.” I though this was completely insane because there couldn’t have been more than 20 people in the entire establishment at that moment. We opted to sit at the bar and tough it out there. As we hung out with our drinks served by the bald, scary, stare a hole through you, pierced, bartender I tried to listen to the nostalgic tunes on coming out of the ceiling speakers.

The variety of music was mostly from the ’90s. There were some memory jogging songs that came on, but it was one in particular that blew my mind. I immediately recognized the first few seconds but I brushed it off as my mind playing tricks on me. As a few more seconds passed, a familiar voice raps “Im back and Im ringin‘ the bell rockin on the mic while the fly girls yell…” It was none other than Vanilla Ice’sPlay that Funky Music White Boy.” Dumbfounded is a word that doesn’t properly describe my feeling at the time. I never thought I would hear this song again since the days of Vanilla Ice on MTV. Perhaps there’s a renewed interest in Rob Van Winkle since he keeps showing up on VH1. Whatever it may be, I’m proud of Bennigan’s for not just playing typical crap. It’s official, the only two places that you can hear Vanilla Ice: Bennigan’s and my iPod.