Would YOU Let Santa Claus Drive Your Corvette?

I’m surprised and excited to see how many houses have been decorated for Christmas this year. On my way home from work every day, I pass through so many towns and as Paul Stanley says “They’re lit up like a damn Christmas Tree!” It seems like there’s more Christmas spirit in New Jersey this year than ever before. Whatever the reason is, it’s an excellent feeling! People’s displays have grown more elaborate and creative. In fact, while riding through Fair Haven, NJ last weekend we saw this Corvette parked on someone’s lawn:

Take a closer look and you’ll see Santa behind the wheel about to take the ‘vette out for a spin:
That’s a pretty awesome lawn decoration if you ask me. I don’t think you’ll be able to pick that one up at Wal-Mart! 
For all the good that Santa’s done throughout time, I still don’t think that’s enough to make me let him borrow my Corvette to deliver presents. We have no idea what kind of driving record he has. They could drive like assholes up in the North Pole. If the elves get licenses then I’ll give a definitive “NO” on that one. Besides, isn’t St. Nick all tanked up on spiked Egg Nogg he drinks at houses all over the world? Isn’t that what makes him so jolly in the first place? We wouldn’t want him getting a DWI, so let’s have him stick to flying around in his sleigh. 

JAY: You’re not getting my keys, Santa! 
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho, we’ll see about that! How bad do you want that PS3 for Christmas?!?! Ho, Ho, Ho!
JAY: I’ll forget about the PS3 for now, just as long as you don’t crash my beautiful Corvette and turn it into a red and white yuletide mess. Oh, and toll prices just went up so it’ll be cheaper if you hop in you’re sleigh.
SANTA CLAUS: Ho, Ho, Ho! Jay, I’m going through a mid-life crisis times 3. Can’t I just take the ‘vette for a few minutes? Mrs. Claus never lets me have ANY fun. She took away my copy of Transformers on DVD because she said I was staring a hole in Megan Fox. I’m not even allowed to go to Hooters up in the North Pole. And if you haven’t noticed, all of Santa’s helpers are all gay males. I lead a sad, boring life. C’mon, help a brutha out.
JAY: OK, OK, but you’re going to owe me BIG time if you crash it!
SANTA CLAUS: Yeah right, after I got you everything you asked for every Christmas? Batman, He-Man, WWF, Star Wars, Thundercats, I gave it all to you! You weren’t that good this year anyway! So I owe you nothing bub! 
JAY: You know what Santa, you can f—ing walk!
Friends don’t let Santa Claus drive drunk.
A Public Service Announcement from the Ad Council and Mrs. Claus.

Illustrious Art Found at Hooters?

At the risk of sounding like a frat boy, I admit I’ve been to Hooters many times. It’s never on the list of “places I want to go” but to appease my best friend I go with him. We order a pitcher of Bud Light and usually check out whatever Yankees or Giants game is on depending on the season. Even with the girls walking around in tight little orange spandex shorts and low cut white tops I’m honestly not paying much attention to them.

Besides savoring the hops in my beer, (yeah right) I do something probably no man does while at Hooters. I look at the pictures on the wall! That’s right I said it! If you’ve ever gone to T.G.I Friday’s or Applebee’s, you may have found yourself looking at the junk they have scattered on the walls. I never really noticed the photos on the walls at Hooters until this visit. We sat down at a table and it wasn’t until possibly 20 minutes into our visit that my eyes bulged out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. I couldn’t believe that I was sitting to the right of the greatest picture that Hooters has ever taken or will ever be taken in the future. This is a picture that doesn’t only belong on the wall to the Hooters we were in, it belongs in EVERY Hooters location in North America. They need to enclose it in an airtight glass vault in the middle of every Hooters for all to witness and pay their respects to. This picture warrants a dedicated spot in the Smithsonian.
OK, well you may not think so but I did…

It was a photo of the one and only Rob Van Winkle a.k.a Vanilla Ice with a host of Hooters girls from the early ’90s. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was to be in the same presence as this picture instead of the nowhere near as good “Kathy Ireland Meets the Hooters Girls” and “Dan Marino Meets The Hooters Girls.” Glad I didn’t have to suffer an hour through looking at those worthless photos! They can burn as far as I’m concerned because all other Hooters pictures pale in comparison. There’s an unparalleled amount of class in showcasing a photo of Vanilla Ice with a bunch of Hooters girls. Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel is hack work compared to this masterpiece.