Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash Archives

Preparing to SCREAM Some More…

Posted on April 14, 2011 by sexyarmpit

After reading a post by Johnny over at one of my favorite horror blogs, Freddy in Space, I thought I should get a SCREAM-themed post together as well. My tickets for Scream 4 have been purchased and I don’t think I’ve been this excited for a theatrical horror release since Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows came out. That one let most of you down, but not me, I loved it. BW2 aside, now it’s Scream time!

Two things about Scream 4 are gripping my attention. Foremost, I’m looking forward to seeing the new cast members as well as some familiar faces. Some of my favorites have been cast in the film including Kristen Bell, Marley Shelton, Aimee Teegarden, Adam Brody, and Heather Graham.

It will also be interesting to see if Wes Craven can rebound from My Soul To Take. I realize a lot of horror fans out there enjoyed it, but I wound up bored out of my skull. I never thought I’d be scanning through a Wes Craven horror film. Shit, I’ve sat through all of Wes Craven’s movies, even the ones he merely “presented.” Wes deserves to have another true classic for the new generation of horror, so please let it be Scream 4!

Although I’m hoping Scream 4 will be a triumphant culmination of the series, even if it tanks at the box office it’s sure to yield more installments in the future. And why shouldn’t the Scream franchise continue on? All the great horror franchises keep evolving. They’ll probably go on forever, long after The Sexy Armpit has disappeared from the net, only to be found via a wayback machine. The original Scream was released in 1996, so the Scream Team has had a hell of enough time to perfect its formula. Who knows, maybe Scream 4 could even surpass the original?

Are you going to see Scream 4? If so, let us get you geared up for the film, with two classic Scream posts:

Cineplex Odeon Memories: The Night I Was Ghostface

All about the night of Scream 2’s premiere. I dressed up as Ghostface when

I worked at Loew’s Menlo Park Cinemas.

Jay and Silent Bob in Scream 3

One of the best cameos in the Scream series!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 35: Moving

Posted on February 25, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Somehow everything in my life reverts back to Batman, KISS, and Pro Wrestling. In this instance, wrestling motivated me to want to see Moving back in 1988. If not for the pre-release coverage in WWF magazine, I would not have been as remotely interested in seeing the Richard Pryor comedy. Thanks to New Jersey’s “Walking Condominium,” King Kong Bundy’s role in the film, I suddenly became unusually geared up to see it. At that time I was just a kid and it would be a long time before I started obsessively writing little globs of inconsequential New Jersey drivel on the Internet. A private goes through boot camp to advance in the ranks of the Army, while other people let WWF Magazine be the handbook of their life.

In Moving, Richard Pryor stars as Arlo, an engineer living in New Jersey who loses his job and has to take a new one in Boise, Idaho. There’s one tiny stipulation though, his family has to move with him. Throughout the film, there’s appearances by Rodney Dangerfield, Dana Carvey, and Jay and Silent Bob’s favorite lead singer…Morris Day! Terrorizing Arlo is his neighbor, Frank, played by Randy Quaid, who is a little more sadistic than his trademark role of Cousin Eddie. This time Quaid plays a creep with a brain tumor instead of a metal plate in his head. There’s wacky hijinks galore as Arlo attempts to relocate his family and start his new job.

After noticing that Richard Pryor has starred in 2 films set in New Jersey, it lead me to coin the term Pryor Points. Feel free to use the term to commend an actor, singer, band, writer, etc. who involves themselves in a Jersey related project, for example, “Writer Robert Siegel and director Darren Aronofsky scored major Pryor Points for setting their film, The Wrestler, in New Jersey.” Moving was unabashed about it’s Jersey setting as you can tell by it’s tagline: On the New Jersey Turnpike, no one can hear you scream. I’ll attest to that, but only if you are driving with your windows closed and nobody is in the car with you.

I’m positive I’ll draw some flack for this, but Moving beats Brewster’s Millions any day. Sure, Moving might be accused of being sillier fare than Brewster’s Millions, but it’s a comedy dammit! Did I mention that motherf-ckin’ King Kong Bundy has a role in the film? It was worth bringing up again because knowing is half the battle, and awareness might save you from being smashed by an unexpected Bundy Avalanche. How could such a big cuddly Hawaiian-shirted teddy bear do such a thing?

Ohhh…that’s how.
You know the shit’s gonna hit the fan when Bundy makes his angry face.

I suppose offering him up a Pupu platter would be a futile maneuver

See how everything relates to wrestling? All it takes is a 445 lb. ginormous badass from Atlantic City to get you to see it my way regardless of the Hawaiian shirt. Wait…what’s that you say? You still aren’t convinced that Moving is better than Brewster’s Millions? What if I throw in a young Stacey Dash, bound and tied in a suburban New Jersey basement? Ding ding, ding! WINNER!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 28: Cold Hearts’ Secret Stash

Posted on November 25, 2009 by sexyarmpit

vampire,new jersey,jay and silent bob,secret stash

I know what you’re thinking…again with Cold Hearts?!?! Well, first of all, this atrocious Twilight saga seems to have ripped off the 10 year old Cold Hearts, at least a little. But more importantly, how could I resist bringing it up again when the film depicts a group of over animated frat guys who hang out on the Jersey boardwalk? It’s ripe for ripping. Luckily, one of the guys just happened to have worn a Jersey appropriate t-shirt in one scene.

Danny (played by Cherry Hill born actor Stink Fisher), is clearly the muscle of the crew, and proudly wears a Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash T-Shirt. It’s not officially known whether this specific shirt was chosen because it was sheer enough to accentuate his ridiculously huge shoulders or it was just what they had lying around in wardrobe. Danny looks like he could have went the full duration of an Iron Man match with Hercules Hernandez. Note to Chaz’s Jersey vampire crew: Don’t f-ck with Danny. Another member of the group, Kevin, is played by writer and director of the film, Robert A. Masciantonio. He keeps with the Kevin Smith tribute and dons a View Askew Vulgarians hockey jersey in this scene.

The holiday shopping blitz will officially be underway in just a couple of days. It’s a great time to mention that The Secret Stash online store is having a Merry Christmas sale and you can get action figures, signed comics, DVDs, books, and of course T-SHIRTS! These are the latest editions of the Secret Stash shirts on sale for the Blunt-Light special price of $8 bucks! If you don’t want to order online, then just head to Red Bank, NJ and visit Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash in person.

You can also purchase the Cold Hearts DVD here at this link.

F-ck Twilight, We’ve Got Cold Hearts!

Posted on November 19, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Here’s my Cold Hearts “Twilight style” one sheet

Fast forwarding through a VHS tape was such an annoying chore. Depending on the speed of your fast forward feature, it was easy to go way passed your intended spot. It was much like when Lone Star and Barf went plaid in Spaceballs. Even though both rewinding and fast forwarding rarely took very long, they were both still a nuisance. In comparison, scanning through a DVD is a heavenly pleasure. In fact, I’m fairly certain that the scan feature on DVD’s was invented for movies like 1999’s vampire flick, Cold Hearts.

You know what that Twilight movie doesn’t have? THE MOTHERF-CKING PINK RANGER!!! Wouldn’t you think that combining the mighty and morphin’ Amy Jo Johnson with a completely weird and random cameo by Fred Norris of The Howard Stern Show would immediately spell runaway success? Well, it’s a topsy turvy world and by some strange anachronism, Cold Hearts will forever be known as a much lamer, low budget Lost Boys. At least Cold Hearts didn’t send Amy Jo Johnson’s career into the crapper, she went on to play Keri Russell’s best friend on Felicity, dropping her bloodsucking role like a bad habit.

IMDB states that Cold Hearts was filmed in Ocean City, NJ

With all the Twilight New Moon hoopla, now is a perfect time to discuss this Jersey vampire movie. In some small way, my entire purpose for blogging is to prove to the rest of the world that the state of New Jersey is more than just guidos, overweight whistling through their nose mafia types, and pork roll sandwiches. Occasionally, I have to temporarily abort my mission. There are times when even I, a hardcore fan and supporter of the state that I live in, cannot condone the atrocity that is Cold Hearts.

Many of you might say, why rip into Cold Hearts? Why kick the undervamps while they are down? I say, if you are an up and coming filmmaker like Robert Masciantonio, why not head into the biz with a film that you are proud of, not this piece of Jersey trash. With just a little ingenuity, and naturally a shitload more cash, this movie could have gained a huge cult following at the very least. I do support and give credit to those artists who put in a valiant effort, but in this case, my heart is stone. The film is dated, the dialogue is cheesy, and the acting is terrible. Several of the actors including Christian Campbell, who played John-Luke, deliver their lines as if they were nervously giving a speech in freshman public speaking class.

Viktoria, the constantly ruminating main character, seems ripe for a guest role on the CW’s Vampire Diaries. She’s dealing with a major life issue at how underwhelming it has been to live the vampire life: “I thought it’d be like Peter Pan, but ya know, with sharp teeth or something.” But Viktoria is facing a bigger problem, she’s a vampire and she’s all out of blood, she’s so lost without it. Plenty of contemplative shots of Viktoria (Marisa Ryan) make it painfully obvious that she likes to smoke cigarettes and think a lot, usually while wearing her sunglasses at inappropriate times, like at night. Corey Hart she is not, but her character does spell her name with a K for that extra dash of mysteriousness. In her time off of pondering her thoughts, and gazing into the ocean, Viktoria enjoys hanging out with her best friends on the boardwalk. One of them is the offensively token gay latino guy named Darius (Jon Huertas), and the other is Alicia played by the only actor in the film who is semi interesting to watch, Amy Jo Johnson.

The squeaky clean yet secretive, Seth, comes to town and leaves Viktoria smitten. Little does she know that her new crush has a vendetta against her angry ex-boyfriend Charles (Christopher Wiehl), who is basically the really poor mans Kiefer Sutherland, and I mean that man is really poor. They call him Chaz because he thinks he’s cool. Remember when Charles in Charge became his alter ego Chaz? Now HE was badass, unlike this particular Chaz who sets out to kill Viktoria.

We find out that Seth is actually a werewolf. It intends to be a huge reveal, but the surprise was let out more like a queef. If you watch this film and you don’t predict that Seth is a werewolf in the first 10 minutes of the film, then you need to go back for remedial horror classes for zero credit. There’s a bit of a showdown between werewolf Seth and vampire Charles. I’m beginning to think that Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight novels, had too many nights getting stoned, eating Cheez-Its, and watching her Special Edition DVD of the Best Feature Film winner at the ’99 Atlantic City Film Festival, Cold Hearts.

Robert Masciantonio, writer and director of this mess, touts his working relationship with Kevin Smith on his IMDB profile. In the immortal words of Christian Bale “Ohhhh GOOOOD for you…” I also learned that Masciantonio briefly worked for an indy wrestling company based out of New Jersey. After watching Cold Hearts I wonder if they’d be willing to give him his job back? I bet he missed his calling as the next great Grand Wizard of indy wrestling.

Fred Norris spouts sage-like advice and douchebag Seth misses Philly

The Philly born Masciantonio based his film in Atlantic City in order to stealthily aggravate the Jersey/Philly grudge. Some of the screw twisting involves a line from the clean cut, jeans model, and unsuspecting werewolf guy, Seth (Robert Floyd), who tells himself out loud that “all things being equal, I’d rather be in Philly.” Of course, the pot smoking vampire scumbags who hang out at the boardwalk are the Jersey guys and the Secret Stash T-Shirt wearing Silent Bob worshipping band of frat fools are the Philly guys. What’s worse is that Chaz’s band of thugs actually refer to themselves as “his horsemen,” while Seth’s new group of friends refer to them as “the lost boys back there.”

Where are the Frog Brothers when we really need them?

Check out “R.P” who frequently reminds us that he’s wearing goggles

Thanks to IMDB, I found four super lame tag lines that were used for this film:

1) Eternity’s a Bitch

2) Not everything is as it appears

3) Eternity Bites

4) We are all cold hearted sons of bitches

What’s that? You have a brain and you absolutely cannot believe that they actually used such asinine tag lines? I’m usually the one to rush to the defense of everything that secretes out of my disgusting state, but in this instance I’m throwing Cold Hearts to the werewolves.

Jay and Silent Bob in Scream 3

Posted on June 17, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Movie sequels arouse heated debates, especially when their reason for existing is questionable. Back in ’96, Scream took horror to another level, but its two sequels brought it right back down to its previous depths. I wanted desperately to LOVE Scream’s sequels but they were uninteresting and quite frankly, Neve Campbell’s character, Sidney Prescott, bored the shit out of me. The genius behind the original film was the innovative characterization and chemistry between Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard.

The opening of Scream 3 brings us onto the set of the movie within a movie, STAB, based on the killings that occurred in the original film. In an extremely random cameo, Jersey icons Jay and Silent Bob are seen taking a tour of the studio. (They may as well have been opening up a window while one of the actors scales a building with a rope.) Jay sees news woman Gale Weathers and mistakes her for Connie Chung and says “Oh Shit Silent Bob, it’s that TV news chick Connie Fucking Chung! Hey Connie, how’s Maury?” Silent Bob just waves with a super goofy smile on his face while Weathers (Courtney Cox) gives them the finger. It was actually one of the finer, more amusing moments in the film.

Considering the awful hairstyle they gave Courtney Cox in the film, the duo’s mistake wasn’t too far off base. It clearly would’ve been funnier if they said “hey it’s that TV news chick who’s married to the former host of A Current Affair,” now that’s comedy.

Jay, Jay, and Silent Bob!

Posted on March 13, 2009 by sexyarmpit

You may remember that I recently mentioned freelance artist Mark Constantino in an earlier post. After reading it, Mark shot back at me with a caricature of ME with Jay and Silent Bob! He blew my mind with this piece since I don’t think he realizes how much I adore being made into a cartoon character! Mark did an awesome job with ultimate accuracy, right down to my earring, tongue wagging, and KISS Army T-Shirt. Thanks Mark! visit linelightarts.blogspot.com for more of his work! Look out for posts by “MarkJC.” How rad would it be if Kevin Smith actually rocked a Sexy Armpit shirt?

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.6: Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle

Posted on September 10, 2008 by sexyarmpit

They weren’t lying in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, we New Jerseyans can really put away massive amounts of White Castle burgers. Although, I’d hate to disappoint you, not everyone in New Jersey is a stoner but we definitely have our fair share of characters who are. The legendary Jay and Silent Bob oh so proudly enjoyed some herbal refreshments: “who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts!” and then Harold and Kumar followed in their footsteps, albeit in a more nerdy and culturally diverse way. The film depicts their wild and outlandish journey to get some White Castles to feed their craving.

As I’ve mentioned in the previous installments of New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments, (or NJ’sGPCM’s if you’re into the whole brevity thing) is that seeing a film or TV show where your state and surrounding cities get name dropped is really freakin’ cool. Even though the film gives the impression that it’s 100% Jersey, Harold and Kumar was filmed mostly in Canada and Los Angeles. Filming in New Jersey is expensive but there are some scenes filmed in Hoboken N.J and on the Garden State Parkway.

On their quest for some sliders, Harold and Kumar hold up traffic at a toll because their change didn’t activate the light to go green. Every car horn explodes because the impatient Jersey drivers can’t handle the delay. In usual Jersey style, the raging, belligerent a-hole behind them sticks his head out the window and screams at them: “Hey MOVE YOUR ASS!…MOVE YOU FUCKING TWAT…MOVE YOU RETARDED COCK SUCKER! MOVE!” That’s a typical day on the road in Jersey. God has granted you peace if you live in another state. If so, bless you, you’ll be able to live a calm, stress free life.

After getting cursed off, Harold and Kumar get off at the wrong exit and wind up in Newark. Kumar had the exact same sentiments we all have when we’re driving through Newark: “You know we’re gonna get shot!” From there, the boys get to New Brunswick just to find out that the lame Burger Shack has replaced White Castle! It seemed to be one disappointment after another until the guys are hiding from security in the girls bathroom. Then they had to suffer through two hot British girls playing a little game called “battleshits.”

The film featured a few notable cameos. Jaime Kennedy turned in possibly the creepiest performance he’s ever done, and Ryan Reynolds played a supergay doctor. It’s just a hunch, but something tells me that the Johnny come lately’s are going to be snatching copies of Harold and Kumar up so they can see Silk Spectre II’s boobies if they missed it the first time. That’s right, Malin Akerman plays Liane the hot girlfriend of the disgusting Freakshow. And I cannot forget Neil Patrick Harris’ brilliant, horny, drug induced appearance before he came out with his gay revelation.
Look out for Kumar’s love montage with a gigantic bag of weed to the tune of Heart’s “Crazy on You.” It’s one of the most hysterical scenes ever, especially after Kumar backhands the bag of weed: “Learn how to make coffee you fucking whore!” Even though I haven’t watched the sequel yet, I salute Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle for being a modern Jersey classic!

What the World needs now is Comic Book Stores, Sweet Comic Book Stores

Posted on August 15, 2007 by sexyarmpit

I’m not a big fan of shopping but I’m a sucker for a good comic book store. Growing up, going to a comic book store was one of the main things that I looked forward to. Aside from new comics, you could find boxes of 10 cent comics, random junk, posters, and the newest collectibles. Unfortunately there aren’t many decent comic stores around anymore. I think it has more to do with the personal connection that many of us had with the store owners and employees back then.

I was immersed in comic book collecting from a very young age. It all started with a back issue my sister picked up for me, Batman #349. It was 1985 and she bought it at the store that occupied the future spot of Heroes World in Woodbridge Center, I believe it was called The Paper Tiger. The cover is still etched in my mind and the style of Batman and Robin is still a favorite cover of mine ’til this day. I prefer Bronze Age Batman which is reflected in the ’70s and early ’80s comics books. For a better idea of these you can take a look at this site where you can find comic book covers of all kinds. I began collecting several Batman titles, some Superman, Supergirl, The Outsiders, and The Green Hornet to name a few. It was pretty difficult to find a comic book store before the Batman movie in ’89 created Batmania all over the place. Luckily, I started collecting before the Batman movie was on the horizon. At that time comics were getting more and more popular but they were still bought by a relatively small fan base.

My favorite shop, Comic Relief in Colonia, was where my father would take me every week. They had some really good people working there who would remember me and hold my “pull list” of comics for me back when I didn’t even know what a pull list was. For those that don’t know – they always remembered what titles I collected and which issues I was looking out for. Stores aren’t as personal anymore now that eBay and online shops exist. You don’t even have to go searching anymore, you can type in the issue and order it in a few seconds! Not to sound like an old fogey, but it was more fun back when you actually went to the shop and searched for a specific issue in the back issues boxes. It was a great feeling of excitement when you first walked in and saw all the new issues on display. What wasn’t fun was the point you realized you had a stack of 10 books and you were about to pay close to 40 bucks for them! Occasionally for a change of pace we’d go to Tommy’s Cards and Comics in Metuchen. Tommy, the owner, always acted real cocky and wore odd fishing hats. Not necessarily the kind of guy you want to buy your comics from.

Comic Relief in Colonia and Heroes World closed and I was constantly being jerked back and forth like I was on a bumper car. An avid comic collector such as myself was left without a store to get comics at. Heroes World became my destination for comic, collectibles, and action figures for several years. Later, Comic Attitudes in Menlo Park Mall was close to me and a decent enough replacement for a while. The people working there were kind of snotty and they were also overpriced probably due to Mall overhead. Eventually, out of the several locations of Jim Hanley’s Universe, the most convenient for me was the one in Fords near Vintage Vinyl. I liked Jim Hanley’s a lot more than Comic Attitudes since it catered more to the fanboy, not the mall shopper.

It wasn’t until I was about 13 years old that I discovered what I consider the mecca of comic book stores, Midtown Comics in Manhattan. I had an sensory overload when I realized all of the comics, shirts, toys, and hard to find bootleg videos they had. The only problem was that I only had the time and money to get to Manhattan maybe once a month. I started heading into Manhattan once a month to load up on comics. That was before I even had a license! NJ Transit back and forth. After the demise of Jim Hanley’s in Fords and Comic Attitudes, I started giving Adventure Planet in Edison a try. They had a great selection of books without all the glitz of other places like Comic Attitudes. It reminded me most of Comic Relief. In fact, I believe their store was originally a location of another Comic Relief. They also had a killer selection of used and new toys and figures. I used to sell a lot of my stuff to them.

I began this post basically saying there are no more comic book stores around here. That’s not really accurate, because they are around, they just aren’t the same. Or is it that I’m just older? Or is it that the personal touch and rapport that a frequent comic buyer and a store owner/employee used to have with each other?

We still have hope. I visited Little Shop of Comics in Scotch Plains and it’s a pretty decent little store. They have lots of collectibles and a wide selection of new and indy comics. Thanks to Miss Sexy Armpit, another store I visited about a year ago is actually called The Record Store in Howell. It’s pretty awesome and has a large selection of figures, comics, collectibles, and music. My buddy Rebecca reminded me that there was also Rogue Comics in Cranford, which is also a good stop. Classic Comics in Rahway is OK, but it feels like they’re watching you when you’re browsing. I hate that. Finally, I can’t leave out Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash which is a fun stop at anytime I’m in Red Bank. If you know of any great comic shops please post/link them. Thanks!