Transformers Archives - Sludge Central

TRANSFORMERS: Robots in New Jersey! Part 2 – The Meadowlands

Posted on January 27, 2013 by sexyarmpit

When you think of Transfomers, New Jersey more than likely DOESN’T pop into your head. But on the contrary, as I’ve detailed here at The Sexy Armpit in the past, there’s more reasons why it wouldn’t be totally crazy to mention Transformers and New Jersey in the same sentence. When I come across obscure NJ references, obviously it excites me, but when I find them in toys and comics that I loved as a kid in the ’80s, well that’s just even more awesome. Read about some more Transformers/NJ goodness.

a mysterious storm, an incredible creature, and it all begins in the swamps of Jersey

I really struck gold when reading the pages of Transformers #54 from July 1989. The story KING CON (clearly a King Kong ripoff) opens “somewhere in the swamps of New Jersey.” There’s some guys on the hunt for a “creature” that they claim the cops were too afraid to come check out. Keep in mind that we aren’t about to read a Jersey Devil story because he hangs out in the Pine Barrens and the Transformers visited the Pines before. You can read about that via this post.

You know how much those bears in the Ramapo Mountains like to

travel down to the Meadowlands and bathe in the sludge.

After several “creature” sightings at the Meadowlands, Cecilia Santiago, a reporter and host of New York Talks, decides to take matters into her own hands and investigate. There’s a bad lightning storm on the horizon and it’s intensity is increasing.

Meanwhile, in the Meadowlands, the Decepticons have constructed a new base under a garbage dump. Naturally, whenever building a villainous secret underground base in NJ, it MUST be under a garbage dump. Where else would it be? Their plan is to use a “storm maker” that they created to convert the energy that they harness from the storm and then by using a giant converter they will turn it into Energon cubes – the source of energy for all Transformers. Getting all this so far? And Megan Fox is nowhere to be found 🙁

While Cecilia the newswoman is nosing around with her camera crew in the Meadowlands swamps looking for the creature, she winds up getting taken hostage by the Decepticon Pretenders.

For those who aren’t up on their Transformers terms, this issue introduces the Micro Masters (smaller and more fuel efficient Transformers) and also features the Decepticon Pretenders. On the Transfomers Wiki, the Pretenders are defined as “Transformers fitted with special external armor shells that can disguise their very nature as robots.”

Iguanas, a big purple lizard looking Decepticon Pretender, is put in charge of running the cables from their equipment in the NJ swamp across the bottom of the Hudson River and connecting the final piece to the lightning rod at the top of the Empire State Building.

After escaping the clutches of the Decepticons, Cecilia hitches a ride with the Autobots (the good guys) and has to head into the Lincoln Tunnel to make it into Midtown Manhattan before the Decepticons destroy half of New York City. Notice that this was ages ago, back when the toll for the Lincoln Tunnel only cost $3 dollars. Today it’s $13 freaking dollars during peak times!

Other Transformers Links from The Sexy Armpit:

Transformers: Robots in New Jersey (Part 1 – Pine Barrens)

Why I traded Optimus Prime for Megan Fox

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.56: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Read More about this issue of Transformers via the Transformers Wiki:

http://transformers.wikia.com/wiki/King_Con!

http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Iguanus_(G1)

Giving Thanks For Substitute Toys

Posted on November 24, 2011January 2, 2020 by sexyarmpit

Me playing with Castle Zendo from The Other World collection which

was my temporary substitute Castle Grayskull until I got the real thing

A while back I wrote a post called Knockoffs in Disguise about a Go-Bot that I had when I was a kid. Thinking back, it was sort of ridiculous that I owned what was basically a knockoff of a knockoff. In the ’80s there were so many successful toy lines that getting “scabs,” of He-Man, GI Joe, and Transformers was very common. Remember back in school when you had a substitute? The day could go either way. Either the sub was young, cool, and just waiting for the bell to ring OR they were an overachiever and pretended to be a real teacher for the day. Substitute toys had the potential for the same conflicting possibilities. Substitute toys were sometimes cool because NONE of your friends had anything like the freak sub, but most of the time BAD because they were just completely wrong in every way.

Before fans of superheroes, toys, and collectibles were referred to as “geeks,” a term which I still don’t buy into, I was just a normal kid who collected toys like most of my friends. As many of you can relate, growing up in the ’80s was pretty cookie cutter in that most of your friends owned and took part in the same exact crap that we all did. I had a box of Star Wars figures and 2 laundry baskets full of WWF LJN figures. My friends had nearly the same haul, but perhaps not as many. We all had the basic Masters of the Universe and Thundercats figures, as well as G.I Joe’s. What was always different in my world was that I had several severe gaps in my collections.

Vehicles and playsets were always more expensive and usually I had to angle my requisition strategically. My burning desire for the Millennium Falcon and other larger ticket items didn’t carry the dangerous red flag that Ralphie’s Red Ryder BB Gun did. The memory of staring at the box of the Kenner Millennium Falcon on the shelf in a store with my parents and telling them that I wanted it so bad is as clear as Crystal Pepsi in my mind. I never did get the Millennium Falcon because my parents said it was too expensive. Now that I’m an adult I don’t blame them, although I don’t remember the exact price of the Falcon in the post ESB, pre-ROTJ era. For some reason it was a piece of cake to con them into buying me enough Star Wars figures that equated to the price of 2 or 3 Millennium Falcons through those few years.

Since I never had what Luke called a “hunk of junk,” I had to envy other peoples. My Dad did buy me a consolation ship though. You’re probably thinking it was the X-wing, A-wing, Y-wing or any number of other ships from the Kenner Star Wars collection. Actually, the ship he got me wasn’t made by Kenner, heck, it wasn’t even a Star Wars knockoff. The ship he got me was intended as a replacement for not getting the Falcon and let me tell you…it wasn’t anything like the Falcon. This generic silver ship with orange plastic cockpits was more along the lines of an X-wing which was what I typically used it for because you guessed it, I didn’t have the X-wing either. The idea that I had to use a replacement toy would be a stretch for other kids I knew, as well as a lot of kids nowadays. A replacement toy meant that I had to grudgingly incorporate it into my storylines while I sat and drooled at the toy catalogs dreaming that someday the real thing would be mine.

Another substitute toy that still sticks out in my mind was the race car stand-in I had for the Kenner Super Powers Batmobile. A couple of my friends had the Super Powers Batmobile and they really beat it up. I couldn’t believe a kid could have such an awesome vehicle yet not care that they broke the plastic windshields off or that the entire battering ram part was completely missing. Toy abuse if you ask me. I remember that I received a green toy race car for my birthday one year that resembled a futuristic formula one car. I really liked it, but rarely played with it. I never made a huge scene about not getting the Super Powers Batmobile because in this instance it wasn’t an issue of it being too expensive, there was actually no trace of it in any stores in my area. I let my parents slide for that one. As another consolation my Dad did something pretty damn awesome as a surprise for me.

One day my Dad said to me “I bet you’d really like to have that Batmobile for your Batman and Robin figures” and I said “yeah I would!” Next thing I knew he handed me what looked like my old green race car but it was spray painted to resemble the color scheme of the Super Powers Batmobile! I couldn’t have been happier with it. I wound up playing with that car more than I ever did the entire time I owned it. Years later, when we heard about the upcoming ’89 Batman movie, my Dad sprayed the car all black which extended it’s life until I got the Toy Biz Batmobile.

Toy Story 3 pretty much summed up every thoughtful sentiment that ever existed about toys. More than an emotional attachment, the most important function that toys and figures had in my life was sparking my imagination. Whether I was simply setting up my collection or having an intense space adventure, wrestling a main event, or a battle for the power sword, ultimately I was being creative. A hunk of plastic doesn’t really mean a damn thing until your mind makes it come alive. If George Lucas could CGI and superimpose different characters and landscapes into and out of the Star Wars films, there’s no reason why a child’s young mind can’t do the same thing with their own imagination. Getting used to that generic silver spaceship was uncomfortable at first, but after a while I grew to love it as if it was an official Kenner toy. It comes down to being thankful for what we have and also realizing and appreciating the fact that fun can actually exist in what you don’t have. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to replicate the feeling of excitement and anticipation of getting the real toys that I had been yearning for all year from Santa Claus! Always remember that what you own now is plenty and while you may have some gaps in your collection, someone else might be overwhelmed and delighted to have what you have.

G.I JERSEY: Mutt and Junkyard

Posted on July 15, 2011 by sexyarmpit

GI Joe was right behind Masters of The Universe, Super Powers, Star Wars and WWF in my world when I was growing up. Although I wasn’t as obsessed with G.I Joe as some of my friends were, I watched the cartoon religiously and had a decent load of Joe figures. I remember being so envious of my neighbor who got the U.S.S Flagg aircraft carrier for Christmas the year it came out. I never had any of the playsets but I did have several vehicles. My favorite characters were Zartan and his Dreadnoks. I have yet to watch 2009’s G.I Joe The Rise of Cobra feature film but I think I’ll have to give it a shot since I’ve been on a Joe kick lately. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I did indeed make the G.I Jersey graphic, you dig it?

Recently I’ve been watching my DVDs of the original G.I Joe cartoon. Although the 2 early mini-series were a little slow and a bit disjointed story wise, the series as a whole is legendary. After I recently viewed a few episodes of the original Transformers cartoon, I determined that the original G.I Joe cartoon holds up way better.

Mutt and Junkyard 25th anniversary figure via GIJoeFigures.net

In every episode of G.I Joe there were so many cool characters both good and evil who could be brought into your action figure adventures by a mere trip to Toys R Us and some pathetic begging. All the figures had a file card on the back of their package so you were able to find out facts otherwise unknown about the character. I thought it would be interesting to scour YoJoe.com and randomly click on their comprehensive database of G.I Joe file cards to see if any of the characters were from New Jersey.

Could you believe that only 3 or 4 clicks into my research I just happened to pick the Joe K-9 Dog Handler, MUTT, who was born in Iselin, New Jersey! Mutt and his appropriately named dog Junkyard made a cool team. You can read more about him on his file cards:

Perhaps a modernized version of MUTT would be Indian American? Since the 2000 Census, Iselin, NJ has had the 2nd highest percentage of Indian Americans in the United States. In fact, just like New York City has Little Italy and Chinatown, Iselin, NJ has “Little India,” which is a stretch of town filled with authentic Indian shops and restaurants. यो जो – That’s Yo Joe in Hindi.

’89 MUTT file card courtesy of YoJoe.com

TRANSFORMERS: Robots in New Jersey! Part 1 – Pine Barrens

Posted on July 1, 2011 by sexyarmpit

In the Transformers episode “Make Tracks,” the Megatron and the Decepticons steal hundreds of cars and attempt to turn them into drones to add to their powerful squad of evil robots. Tracks, the Autobot, poses as a stolen car and discovers the Decepticons remote facility that changes the stolen cars in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. The Pine Barrens are made up of over a million acres of protected forest area, so this was a perfectly diabolical scheme. No one could possibly hear or see a gigantic space age industrial plant that creates Transformers in the middle of a forest that is intersected by two major highways. Gee, great plan Megatron! Way to go!

OPTIMUS PRIME: “Hmm, he might have been heading for New Jersey and the Pine Barrens”

POWERGLIDE: “Pine Barrens? What’s there?”

OPTIMUS PRIME: “That’s what we’re gonna find out, Powerglide”

Of course Optimus and his Autobots save the day, but if you’d like to watch the 2nd half of the episode that is based in New Jersey, it’s posted below. Thanks to YouTube user Bernard9782 has made it happen. Thanks to the Transformers Wiki, an unbelievable source for all kinds of minute Transformers tidbits.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgYJA6ucjSc?rel=0]

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.56: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Posted on June 30, 2011 by sexyarmpit

Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) in front of Princeton’s University Chapel

If you read my last post you know that watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was my little homework assignment for the night. If I plan on seeing a sequel or further installment of a film franchise, I never half ass it. I have to watch them all or I feel like I’m not getting the full effect. I realized a while ago that I had Revenge of the Fallen on DVD but never watched it, so that’s exactly what I did tonight. I did have ulterior motives though. I didn’t just watch it to get caught up on the films before seeing Dark of the Moon, I also wanted to pick out all the New Jersey shots.

In Revenge of the Fallen, Sam Witwicky (Labeouf) is now attending college. When his parents come to visit him, his mom Judy inadvertently buys pot brownies and starts to get high. She runs around the campus grounds and gets into some wacky hijinks – scenes I never thought I’d see in a Transformers film. But then again, I didn’t think I’d see a Wheelie cuss like a sailor either…or hump Megan Fox’s leg. That’s sort of creepy because he’s a robot, but I can easily get on board with his motive.

Exterior shot in the film of Princeton’s Firestone Library

A few of the college scenes were originally shot at the University of Pennsylvania, but ultimately moved the shoot to Princeton University. Neither institution wanted to let the Michael Bay production use the university names in the film due to the aforementioned pot brownie after effects as well as the scene where Sam is almost raped by a slutty Decepticon, YES, I did just write that. Ultimately, the institution that Sam attends is merely referred to as a “college.” According to the Transformers Wiki, in other Transformers media, Sam goes to college in Albany and also Philadelphia, but Princeton is actually named in the novelization of Revenge of the Fallen. *Raine Wilson also makes a cameo in a lecture hall scene as one of Sam’s professors.

The Wheelie laser points to areas where Seekers are located and

Southern NJ is one of the areas

With a run time that was about a half hour too long, a convoluted plot, and too much leg humping, Revenge of the Fallen is not a film I’d watch again. And surprisingly, for all her criticism, Megan Fox’s hotness was this film’s saving grace, and I’ll also throw a piece of that credit to the crotchety but entertaining, Jetfire (R.I.P.)

Why I Traded Transformers for Megan Fox

Posted on June 29, 2011 by sexyarmpit

That’s me receiving Optimus Prime as a birthday gift

Through the years it was easy to get bogged down in the excessive amount of Transformers incarnations through the years. I have to give credit to the property though, it’s enjoyed a long evolution and hasn’t ever really gone away.

Transformers would not have enjoyed the same type of resurgence if the 2007 big screen adaptation was never released. I doubt there would be the same type of clamor for Transformers stuff if Michael Bay never got his filthy rich hands on them. But what has shocked me most about the franchise is how much of a difficult time I recently had getting into the original ’80s animated series. I noticed that Hub network has been airing reruns of the original Transfomers. Just for nostalgic purposes and for the fact that the 3rd Transformers film, Dark of the Moon, is being released, I set a couple of episodes on my DVR and tried watching them.

As much as I felt I would be in for some ’80s fun, sadly, the episodes were borderline boring and even a bit hard to understand. Although I’m a sucker for old cartoons, especially those I loved as a kid, going back and watching Transformers just didn’t hold my attention at all. Expecting a 25 year old cartoon to enthrall and entertain me seems totally unrealistic, but even the silliest episodes of He-Man and She-Ra still mesmerize me. It’s a shame too because I was a fan of Transformers as a kid, and so were most of my friends, since we were the Prime (pun intended) audience for it. I had my Transformers lunchbox and a bunch of the toys, but it was never a full on obsession for me.

Attempting to pretend like I was a transforming robot was awkward and not nearly as fun as holding aloft my magic sword and becoming the most powerful man in the universe. Now, I know that a lot of people will vehemently disagree with my sentiments, but I have my reasoning. Subconsciously perhaps, I made more of a connection with human or human-like characters. I always preferred GI Joe over Transformers and although I enjoyed Thundercats immensely too, He-Man and She-Ra always edged them out if I had to choose what show I liked better.

In my eyes, the best part of the original animated Transformers series is Megatron. he was the reason I watched the show. I always liked villains and I appreciated how he looked, sounded, and acted in the original series way better than how he is in these new films. That’s not to say I didn’t also love Optimus Prime. What boy in the ’80s didn’t think Optimus Prime was awesome? He’s the quintessential character of the franchise. Even in the new films he still kick ass. The hero has a modernized look but is thankfully still voiced by the iconic Peter Cullen. Anyone else would be 2nd rate.

Regardless of how the original series holds up, the film franchise and even the recent Transformers Prime are both well done and easy to get into especially if I was 7 years old right now. I have yet to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, so hopefully I’ll get to it before Dark of the Moon disappears from theaters, which will probably be in about 3 weeks. Then it’s straight to DVD and Bluray by the end of August. Maybe if Megan Fox played her cards right she’d be in Dark of the Moon and I’d make it more of a priority. Damn her and her Hitler comments. Funny how when I was a kid, I wanted Optimus Prime, and now I need Megan Fox to hold my attention.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 40: Baldface Industries

Posted on February 17, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Newark, NJ T-Shirt by Baldface Industries – only $15 bucks

Occasionally you must wonder to yourself, “What the f-ck possesses this guy to write about New Jersey related T-Shirts on a weekly basis?” If you’re one of those staunch sweater supporters, then you could never understand. We t-shirt lovers usually have an inordinate amount of them. These tees don’t just fall out of the sky, which is actually what makes them so great. All of them have a story, how you got it, where you got it, what concert you bought it at and then threw up all over it. There’s also the WHY part of the equation. I’m compelled to buy shirts that I don’t see many people wearing, for instance my Corey Feldman Center for the Arts tee which is already 10 years old. Aside from tees with pop culture references, there are so many that feature art and ideas that are independently created. Sometimes you don’t want to look like the generic retro guy with a Transformers shirt or if you’re a girl, Rainbow Brite. It’s too easy to go on a shopping spree at 80stees.com, but if you like to stand out and be more original, there are so many different options. One of them is Baldface Industries, a company that comes to you straight from Bayonne, NJ.

In the age of online advertising we are inundated with ads for t-shirt stores. You may have noticed the relatively cute chicks that sites throw their t-shirts on to grab people’s attention. If you do click on one of their ads, you’ll probably be bombarded with a slew of shirts that have ironic quotes, Star Wars references, movie lines, and fast food propaganda, but if you’re always on the lookout for something fresh, you’ll be quite pleased at Baldface Industries. Their apparel offering isn’t massive, but that’s because they aren’t just t-shirt sellers, they also customize and print shirts for promotional purposes or just for the hell of it.

Damn It Feels Good to Be a Toddler

Baldface T-Shirt

Baldface doesn’t act pretentious and they don’t try to come off as too trendy for their own good. Their website is actually very entertaining to read, and it even includes the owners prom picture (go ahead…aww). The company history explains how they hand print their tees and treat each one like a unique piece of art. Baldface Industries has set themselves apart from the generic pop culture tee machine by aligning themselves with local artists as well as being environmentally friendly. Check them out here: http://www.baldfaceindustries.com/

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.7: Who Watches The Watchmen? New Jersey Does!

Posted on September 18, 2008 by sexyarmpit

If you’re worth your weight in geek, you can’t wait for The Watchmen movie to be released. It’s sure to be an excruciating 6 months, and even the slightest Watchmen reference doesn’t calm my anxious anticipation. Hopefully the court will rule in favor of allowing Watchmen to be released on schedule that way we won’t have to continue pulling our hair out and re-watching the first chapter of the motion comic on iTunes for the fifty-thousandth time! In the meantime, you’re in luck you Sexy Armpiters! You can temporarily calm those nerves because there are a few references to New Jersey in the pages of the classic Watchmen comic book series! Don’t worry, there’s no spoilers here, so if you haven’t read Watchmen you can still enjoy this post! Shame on you…READ WATCHMEN NOW!

Chapter IV: Watchmaker centers around the most interesting and cool looking character in Watchmen, Dr. Manhattan. Jon Osterman a.k.a Dr. Manhattan holds a PH.D in Atomic Physics from Princeton University, in New Jersey. An Ivy League school, Princeton boasts graduates ranging from U.S presidents to dropouts such as Bruce Wayne, as well as serving as the location for several scenes in the upcoming Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen.

According to Wikipedia here’s what Osterman DIDN’T learn while matriculating at Princeton: “Manhattan’s powers include superhuman strength, the ability to teleport himself or others, the manipulation of matter at a subatomic level, and near total clairvoyance.” Oh yeah, Manhattan can also fix watches which isn’t traditionally that cool but proves to be a gift that gets him laid!
In this chapter, we also find out that the mother of Manhattan’s former flame Janey Slater lives in New Jersey. Janey and Jon decide to kill some time at an amusement park while waiting for Janey’s mother to get home.
Dr. Manhattan reflects on an old photo of himself with his past girlfriend taken at Palisades Amusement Park in N.J. You may remember Freddy Cannon singing about falling in love at “Palisades Park,” a song he recorded that was written by Chuck Barris and later covered by The Ramones. Palisades Amusement park featured the largest salt water wave pool in the country, thanks to water pumping in from the Hudson River. (ewwww! what were they thinking? lol) Presently there’s a high rise luxury apartment complex built on it’s property, but in it’s day the wildly popular Palisades Park was the place to be. Dr. Manhattan wasn’t reminiscing about Coney Island now was he? How ’bout that, huh?

Transformation Fascination

Posted on March 28, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The other day I had a revelation. I realized that since I was a kid I always enjoyed watching the transformation of a character in TV or movies. I can’t say for sure which transformation I witnessed the earliest but I know that it’s all derived from the Jekyll & Hyde theme. There’s always been cartoons like Looney Tunes, O.G Readmore, and others that have featured characters transforming into and evil one. In other instances a hero would transform from a normal everyday person into a Superhero like Clark Kent running into a phone booth to come out as Superman. Those montages always had great appeal to me so I searched You Tube to feature some of the best transformations right here. There’s many more so feel free to leave a comment with some of your favorites!

Probably one of the most memorable transformations belongs to the Incredible Hulk:

Here’s what happens when Barbara Gordon opens her secret revolving wall…

I can’t leave out Michael J. Fox’s “changes” in Teen Wolf. Also, Michael Jackson’s transformation into the werewolf in Thriller is classic.

The forming of Voltron!

Prince Adam becomes He-Man:

Mumm-Ra, The EVER LIVING!

The Sexy Armpit’s “We Can Make a Difference” Campaign: Phase II

Posted on March 22, 2008 by sexyarmpit

The “We Can Make a Difference Campaign” will also keep TV free of crap. In addition to making sure the analog to digital transition finishes up without a hitch there’s a few more issues we’ll need to to take care of. First, the President will have a strict orders to keep the CW’s Reaper on the air. Then we’ll banish Oprah Winfrey from all airwaves. And please while we’re at it, we may as well as well erase 99% of all other daytime programming as well. With the exit of Oprah Winfrey and her media empire, leaving along with her will be Dancing with the Stars, sorry folks! Unless it was Dancing with the strippers it has no chance of being saved.

One problem with politicians is that they never do anything cool, we’ll fix that. I want a president I can sort of look up to. Someone who can have an edge…badass in a way. It’s not sexist but I always picture the president to be a guy (no offense Hilary…after 43 male presidents don’t you get the point?) Bruce Willis or that Matthew Mickhawnaguy should be president. Don’t you want a leader who you can be proud of? Who does cool shit? Who brings the party? If you’re a girl don’t you want a HOT president who you can think of to vibrate to? He doesn’t play saxophone on Arsenio and he especially doesn’t mutilate the English language after he supposedly graduated Yale. He goes on tour to visit all the 50 states and has huge parties with bands at various national parks, and mall and stadium parking lots. He’s the guy that everyone wants to be and all the girls want to be with. He’s a Star. As for the Vice President, I doubt I have to even say it cause it’s a no brainer… Of course it’s f’n HULK HOGAN!

The President and VP will have ultimate veto power on who gets chosen to be inducted to the aforementioned Secretaries of State. The President and VP are single guys and they’re encouraged “to enjoy their life, and play the field” just like our forefathers told them. It’s an unwritten rule similiar to the “Pink Lady code” that the President and VP date one or many of the Secretaries of State.

One of the reasons why actors or celebrities make great political icons is because they are already pros at speaking and expressing themselves. They wouldn’t be constantly made fun of for flubs or screwing up speeches. The President will also have a sense of humor to a degree being that they frequently have to bring to light horrible situations. When a candidate is dry and boring they don’t have the ability to lighten our soul in anyway.

The ideal candidate is obligated to be trained to cultivate their psychic ability Think about it, if Nostradamus were president he would’ve saved us alot of heartache. We need someone with the ability to prevent attacks and foresee future economic disasters. Their newly tapped psychic ability will aid them in constructing a new plan in the war on terrorism.

Let’s have a contingency plan for the Statue of Liberty. Lady Liberty isn’t really holding all that many people except a few tourists so terrorists wouldn’t get as much bang for their buck if they planned an attack on it. Hypothetically we’ll need an American symbol if the monster from cloverfield or terrorists decide to target her…or hell, if the Ghostbusters need to use her to fend off some Carpathian who lost its kitten. You never know what’s going to happen to her so all I’m saying is, we’ll need another statue that will defend the countries honor in case the statue of liberty is out of commission. Without question this should be the Rocky Balboa statue that resides in Philadelphia. The pure emotion that the rocky movies give off conjure up so many good feelings that it’s the perfect statue for the job.

I bet you thought since I’m talking all sensational that I’d forget to explain my plans for the Military. Out of the box, the only draft our candidate will be talking about is the kind of beer.
Voltron will be the actual commander in chief heroically leading the military. The president and a few heads of military will join together to form the mega robot. The theme music can be heard all over the country when the Big V is forming. With Voltron we sort of kill two birds with one stone but we’ll be sure not to kill any eagles though. Cast your Vote-ron for Voltron! (joke donated by my friend Steve) All the Joe’s from G.I Joe and all the Transformers will make up the rest of our military so you never have to worry about us losing a war unless the ruthless Cobra, Megatron, or Tom Cruise comes into power. There will be no need for thousands of military employees with such powerful forces who could wipe out anything in their path.

There are also many new government agenices that will be started. Nicholson and Pacino will be enlisted to head a new government agency called “The You Can’t Handle The Truth Commision” specializing in the search for Bigfoot, The Jersey Devil, and any other unexplained or supernatural phenomena. Sorry girls, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki are now waiting patiently at the unemployment agency. Johnny Depp will head up a new agency called “Bring Me The Rich Stuff” where he’ll captain the Black Pearl and a film crew to raise various shipwrecks and recover the gold and treasure back in order to liquidate some of the country’s underwater assets. Soon those of you with disposable income will be able to buy Captain Kidd’s treasure on eBay! Depp will be pulling double duty because the 21 Jumpstreet Crew will be reunited and back on the job keeping high school scumbags off the street. And YES people, don’t you worry your little heads…haven’t forgotten, BOOKER IS BACK so you can relax.

After watching National Treasure made me think. Don’t we have the right to finally know the country’s best kept secrets? The FBI and the CIA need to release information on Area 51, the Kennedy assassination, etc. We deserve to know, especially after 40 or more years of secrets. Who better than to shake down these agencies for this info than our man Nic Cage?

On the education front, instead of concentrating on stuff that isn’t going to help kids amount to a hill of beans, let’s start teaching kids about subjects that are important and can actually impact their lives. They need to learn more about how to be practical, how to improvise, have street smarts, safe sex, not to take drugs, and how to balance a check book. How far did algebra and geometry get me? Rather than shoving stuff down their throats that they aren’t good at at all, why don’t we give them more choice? Maybe students will enjoy going to school if they aren’t bogged down with homework from subjects that they absolutely despise and dread.

Let’s all feel bad for the teachers because they feel they can’t get through to these kids! Guess what? That’s you f’n job. How many teachers did you have while growing up that pretty much phoned it all in? Some teachers gave up on their job 10 years before you even got to their class. Some of them had a calendar counting down their days to retirement. From a kids perspective, it’s easy to get exasperated when you just can’t figure out how to apply that theorem or you don’t want to read that 400 page book your English teacher assigned. Chances are those same kids aren’t going to get into a career that utilizes stuff they aren’t good at. Let students have more of a say in their schedule at least sophomore through junior year. Freshman year could be completely required classes. From then on, school should be more about personal discovery. What kind of learning is more important that learning about yourself? Many kids graduate high school and have no idea what they’ll do. It doesn’t mean they aren’t focused it just means that they’re living in a scary, pressure filled world with so many different options. Let’s help these students understand themselves and their own potential. How about a class specifically devoted to taking aptitude tests and personality tests. The results can be shared and discussed and just maybe it will spark something in a few of the kids and it will help them figure out what they like and what they should do with their life.

As for our land, rather than be concerned with open spaces and saving the trees and forests, why not concentrate on regulating what is actually being built on that land. There should be places in each town where kids, and even adults can go and hang out and just have a place to go. There’s places like community centers and YMCA’s but they are usually only open until around 8 pm. There’s nowhere for kids and teenagers to go. For adults the only places to go are bars. The mall is only open until 9:30. The fact is, in our area, a 10 o’clock curfew doesn’t hold any water. How about facilities for youth and adults where they can go and NOT get into trouble. So many kids who wind up committing crimes or doing drugs get into because they have nothing else. Let’s build facilities where people can go and hang out, dance or listen to music, play games, watch movies etc. I’m sure sponsors will leech onto that kind of thing which would defer the cost.

Another modification we’ll make is finding a new name for the white house. The white house…? I don’t know…it jus sounds a little racist to me. Perhaps we could call it the multicolored house? Nah, then straight people will get offended because it sounds like we’re favoring gay people. I’ve got it! How about building a real bonafide Castle Grayskull and make that where the president lives? I got news for you…no one in their right mind fucks with Castle Grayskull. Yeah I know Skeletor has but who said he’s in his right mind? You can see the dynamic with them: Skeletor was Bill Clinton and Evil Lyn was Hilary. It’s clear as day. If we combine Castle Grayskull and The White House, guess what? We’ve got White Castle!

Finally, we’ll rename New Jersey to “The Sexy Armpit” and everything will change accordingly. “The Sexy Armpit Turnpike.” “The Sexy Armpit Department of Motor Vehicles.” Think about it. It’s much more appealing. The tag line for the campaign can be “Come visit the NEW New Jersey, it’s now called something WAAY snazzier…THE SEXY ARMPIT…now screw off.” From then on, Jersey will definitely step out of the shadow of New York’s skyline.

BAROCK out with your cock out!