Not Fade Away…Not Playing In A Theater Near You


David Chase’s new film about a suburban New Jersey rock band in the 1960’s is currently in a limited release. It would seem that the chances of such a film rooted in the Garden State would be easy to catch at a local theater in Jersey, right? Nah. Why make it that easy for us? The film is already available for pre-order on Amazon so it looks like I’ll be waiting it out for a bit.

Something tells me HBO will eventually get a hold of this one and never let go. I’ll have it memorized by the end of the summer. But seriously, David Chase AND James Gandolfini together again? It’s a no brainer! Of course, a story of an aspiring rock band is far from The Sopranos. Despite a pretty shitty review on IMDB from reviewer, Clayton Davis, who claims it “doesn’t hold a candle to Cameron Crowe’s homage to music…” referring to Almost Famous, I’m still highly interested in seeing this.

*Although the film is set in New Jersey, much of it was filmed in Pearl River, NY.

The Barrens: A Direct To DVD Dud?


A film about a family camping in the Pine Barrens being stalked by The Jersey Devil? I’m in. I’m always in when it comes to that freak J.D!

The Barrens had a nice little buzz going for itself when it was first announced a while back. I’m not sure the path horror films take during their production, but the majority of them nowadays seem to go directly to dvd/blu-ray. I was under the impression that this one would actually get a theatrical release, especially with the nation’s bizarre love affair with everything New Jersey after the popularity of Jersey Shore.

As it turns out, there’s a very limited theatrical release going on, and as Bloody Disgusting reports, a site called TUGG is trying to get it played in more theaters. There’s a showing planned for the AMC/Loews in Cherry Hill, NJ, on 10/18. Read more about the limited release here. For the most part, this one is going straight to home video and V.O.D. It’s not a bad thing for me because then I can experience it for myself without hearing how terrible it might be and I won’t have it spoiled by articles or tweets. As it looks right now though, I won’t have to worry about negative feedback since reviews on IMDB are pretty positive at this point.

Hopefully this film will finally be a proper treatment of the Jersey Devil legend. It’s written and directed by Darren Bousman of the Saw films and Repo! The Genetic Opera so that’s encouraging I suppose. Judging by the early reviews it’s more of a psychological thriller than a true horror film, which appeals to me immensely. I prefer movies like The Shining and Psycho over those full of cheap effects and explicit, in your face gore.

As I mentioned previously here, The Barrens was filmed in Canada rather than in Jersey, most likely to keep production costs down. Such was the case with 2009’s Carny starring Lou Diamond Phillips. If you’re wondering if you should check that movie out, I give you my opinion at this linkThe Barrens stars’ Stephen Moyer of True Blood and Mia Kirshner and hits stores and On Demand on October 9th.

TRANSFORMERS: Robots in New Jersey! Part 1 – Pine Barrens


In the Transformers episode “Make Tracks,” the Megatron and the Decepticons steal hundreds of cars and attempt to turn them into drones to add to their powerful squad of evil robots. Tracks, the Autobot, poses as a stolen car and discovers the Decepticons remote facility that changes the stolen cars in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. The Pine Barrens are made up of over a million acres of protected forest area, so this was a perfectly diabolical scheme. No one could possibly hear or see a gigantic space age industrial plant that creates Transformers in the middle of a forest that is intersected by two major highways. Gee, great plan Megatron! Way to go!


OPTIMUS PRIME: “Hmm, he might have been heading for New Jersey and the Pine Barrens” 
POWERGLIDE: “Pine Barrens? What’s there?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: “That’s what we’re gonna find out, Powerglide”


Of course Optimus and his Autobots save the day, but if you’d like to watch the 2nd half of the episode that is based in New Jersey, it’s posted below. Thanks to YouTube user Bernard9782 has made it happen. Thanks to the Transformers Wiki, an unbelievable source for all kinds of minute Transformers tidbits.


Why I Traded Transformers for Megan Fox

Jay Getting Optimus Prime
That’s me receiving Optimus Prime as a birthday gift

Through the years it was easy to get bogged down in the excessive amount of Transformers incarnations through the years. I have to give credit to the property though, it’s enjoyed a long evolution and hasn’t ever really gone away.

Transformers would not have enjoyed the same type of resurgence if the 2007 big screen adaptation was never released. I doubt there would be the same type of clamor for Transformers stuff if Michael Bay never got his filthy rich hands on them. But what has shocked me most about the franchise is how much of a difficult time I recently had getting into the original ’80s animated series. I noticed that Hub network has been airing reruns of the original Transfomers. Just for nostalgic purposes and for the fact that the 3rd Transformers film, Dark of the Moon, is being released, I set a couple of episodes on my DVR and tried watching them.

As much as I felt I would be in for some ’80s fun, sadly, the episodes were borderline boring and even a bit hard to understand. Although I’m a sucker for old cartoons, especially those I loved as a kid, going back and watching Transformers just didn’t hold my attention at all. Expecting a 25 year old cartoon to enthrall and entertain me seems totally unrealistic, but even the silliest episodes of He-Man and She-Ra still mesmerize me. It’s a shame too because I was a fan of Transformers as a kid, and so were most of my friends, since we were the Prime (pun intended) audience for it. I had my Transformers lunchbox and a bunch of the toys, but it was never a full on obsession for me.

Attempting to pretend like I was a transforming robot was awkward and not nearly as fun as holding aloft my magic sword and becoming the most powerful man in the universe. Now, I know that a lot of people will vehemently disagree with my sentiments, but I have my reasoning. Subconsciously perhaps, I made more of a connection with human or human-like characters. I always preferred GI Joe over Transformers and although I enjoyed Thundercats immensely too, He-Man and She-Ra always edged them out if I had to choose what show I liked better.

In my eyes, the best part of the original animated Transformers series is Megatron. he was the reason I watched the show. I always liked villains and I appreciated how he looked, sounded, and acted in the original series way better than how he is in these new films. That’s not to say I didn’t also love Optimus Prime. What boy in the ’80s didn’t think Optimus Prime was awesome? He’s the quintessential character of the franchise. Even in the new films he still kick ass. The hero has a modernized look but is thankfully still voiced by the iconic Peter Cullen. Anyone else would be 2nd rate.

Regardless of how the original series holds up, the film franchise and even the recent Transformers Prime are both well done and easy to get into especially if I was 7 years old right now. I have yet to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, so hopefully I’ll get to it before Dark of the Moon disappears from theaters, which will probably be in about 3 weeks. Then it’s straight to DVD and Bluray by the end of August. Maybe if Megan Fox played her cards right she’d be in Dark of the Moon and I’d make it more of a priority. Damn her and her Hitler comments. Funny how when I was a kid, I wanted Optimus Prime, and now I need Megan Fox to hold my attention.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.51: The Other Guys


While gathering evidence to crack a case, NYPD cops Terry and Allen (Wahlberg and Ferrell) must cross the river over to New Jersey to pay a visit to the Gretchel and Dawson accounting firm in Fair Lawn, NJ. This scene in 2010’s The Other Guys was actually not filmed in Jersey but Wahlberg’s character did reference Jersey:

TERRY: “It looks like we’re going to Jersey to visit an accounting firm, that’s a shitty day.”

Just because you’re reading a guy’s blog about Jersey nonsense doesn’t automatically mean he has a hard on for Kevin Smith movies. OK, it does mean exactly that, but so what? You can mouse on over to the back arrow on your browser and take a lightning fast trip (depending on your ISP of course) back to wherever you came from if you don’t like it. And NO, this post isn’t about Brody Bruce, Silent Bob, Randal, Trish the Dish, Holden McNeil or any of Smith’s host of signature characters. It’s about a cop film that Kevin Smith was supposed to direct if the studio’s original plan came to fruition. Needless to say, it didn’t, and Smith went on to direct a very similar, non-Kevin Smith film called Cop Out, which I found to be way more entertaining than it’s sub-par doppelganger, The Other Guys.

Adam Mckay directed The Other Guys with a mega budget while Smith directed Cop Out on an insanely meager budget in comparison. Merely teaming cinema favorites Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg together did not guarantee success considering the big ongoing joke of the movie is a reference to the female R and B group TLC. That was the best material writers Adam McKay and Chris Henchy could come up with? Do Hollywood writers just get together and type up whatever they were making jokes about the night before while getting stoned? “…Heyyyy…duuuude…you remember TLC?” “Yeeeahhhh maaan they were some hot ladies.”

In Cop Out, a film that beat The Other Guys to theaters, Bruce Willis’ finesse and Tracy Morgan’s intrinsic comedic timing win this battle by a landslide. In The Other Guys, Wahlberg’s character Terry was kind of odd and by no means should he be doing comedy unless he’s reprimanding Andy Samberg on SNL for doing impressions of him. As always, Ferrell is funny during his random outbursts back into “The Gator,” a nickname from his days as a pimp.

In Hollywood’s continued pursuit of being completely unoriginal, they decided to rehash ’80s cop movies like Lethal Weapon and 48 Hours. Even with terrible material to work with Ferrell was amusing as a geeky cop who also designs phone apps in his spare time yet scores ridiculously hot chicks. The odd couple relationship between Terry and Allen is more often annoyingly realistic than funny. I must admit that there are some people who make me want to smash my computer into the ground like Terry did, but the effect came off the same as the relief of a squishy stress ball rather than providing over the top laughter.

The Other Guys’ NYPD Captain Gene Mauch is also a part time manager at Bed Bath and Beyond. Fortunately for us, he is played by Michael Keaton. I was glad to see Keaton doing comedy once again, since that’s where he thrives. And yes, I got it, he’s totally unaware of the existence of the group TLC.

Even though it feels as if it just rolled off the assembly line, The Other Guys is worth a rental because it does have a few strong points. Two creatively directed scenes look as if they are straight out of a music video. The first is a still life scene where Terry and Allen are in a bar getting shitfaced and everyone in the bar looks like they are made of mannequins or wax statues. The other is an action scene toward the end where Terry and Allen barge in on a meeting and it turns into a shootout. You might also appreciate that it’s a very New York movie. Look for several breathtaking shots of the Manhattan skyline.

Dine-In Theaters? AMC’s Newest Movie Theater Concept

AMC Dine-In

Last week I was asked to attend a special blogger preview night at the newest AMC Dine-In Theater at Menlo Park Mall in Edison, NJ. It sounded like a request for free advertising, but I had my reasoning for showing up there. It was a total trip for me to see this theater after it’s makeover since I actually worked there for nearly 5 years. I had some of the best times of my life there believe it or not, and I met a bunch of people that have become life long friends. What seemed like an easy part time job throughout high school and some of college was truly an awesome experience, so I felt like I needed to check out what they’ve done to my old digs. It was great to see that the structure and layout has stayed primarily the same, but what has changed is the fact that the traditional movie theater will soon be extinct.


Specially selected AMC Theaters are transforming into a place where you can watch a film, get tanked, and eat dinner all while chilling on a cozy leather recliner. At first I really wasn’t interested since what once was my favorite hobby, going to the local theater to watch a movie, has become an annoyance. Nowadays I’d rather watch movies at home, either selected from my obscene amount of DVD’s and Blu-rays or from Netflix and the nearby Redbox. My worn-in couch and all the little minor luxuries of home make going to the movies a big chore, so this concept is a tough sell for me and I’ll explain why.

AMC Dine-In

Dinner and a movie used to be one of the simplest dates you could go on. Now, even if you want to take your lady out for dinner and a romcom you wind up waiting 30 minutes at the restaurant for a seat, and then once you get to the movies and sit in the theater some a-hole is talking nonstop behind you and kicking the back of your chair. Combining the experience streamlines the process in terms of time and money. Obviously, no theater gimmick will get rid of the talking a-holes with the leg spasm, they will always be there; but this new Dine-In concept may improve theater going in some respects while making it worse in others.

If I’m going to get really comfy, I don’t want to do it at Menlo Park Mall. Once I get comfortable, I fall asleep. So, inviting me to come into your theater to kick back in an easy chair and conk the f*ck out is not the best plan, especially if you want my tab to get paid by close of business! Terrible idea people! Are they supplying woobies too?

AMC Dine-In
The old box office and business office is now a lounge area with LCD screens

First off, I hate hearing people eat when I’m trying to pay attention to a movie, unless of course, I’m also eating at the same time, then I’m not paying attention to them at all. If the theater is mostly quiet and some couple are chowing down on crunchy nachos beside me, I would want to scratch my eyeballs out. If I was trying to watch a movie and get distracted because someone in front of me is ordering their fifth Mojito and a giant sized portion of lobster ravioli and the server is in my view of the screen I would really freak out in my mind.

I am very particular when I watch things. It’s not so much that I am missing something it’s that old general principle of being quiet in a library. You can wolf down food and domestic beers with your friends at a bar, you can bullshit with your yenta sister in law at your house during the holidays, but I believe in a calm and cool attitude in a theater. It’s a time to relax.

I already mentioned the leather recliners, but there’s also airline style “seat side service buttons” that alert a waiter or waitress that you want to order some grub. That’s a red light for me. Imagine how many people are going to abuse that one. Do they provide puke buckets too? Because when those cougars start getting all up on those raspberry martinis and horning it up over Mark Wahlberg, those poor ushers are going to have some cleaning up to do.

AMC Dine-In
A full wet bar and cocktail lounge has taken the place of the old rarely used front concession stand

How do you feel about Dine-In Movie Theaters? Can’t wait to go or your ass will be staying on the couch? Let us know in the comments!

The AMC Dine-In Theater at Menlo Park Mall in Edison, NJ officially opens to the public this Friday and also feature upscale Cinema Suites.

AMC Menlo Park 12 Dine-In Theater
390 Menlo Park Mall
Edison, New Jersey

Off My Chest: An Entry from the Journal of The Wicked Witch of the West

wizard of oz,witch,fantasy,dorothy,oz,wicked

Let’s face it, I really didn’t care about my sister…I just wanted her slippers.

My old whiskered swab brought me to a nauseatingly vibrant village where I was greeted by a bunch of no good, pint sized pygmys who called themselves Munchkins. I grabbed one, took a bite out of its fleshy arm, and discovered that they didn’t taste half as good as their famed doughnut counterparts. “Who killed my sister, who killed the Witch of the East?

A shimmer from my sisters ruby slippers caught my eye. I glided over to the remnants of the house to see her mangled legs were only discernible thanks to her magical moccasins. Where did sis find these hideously ugly shoes? My entire wardrobe consists of black cloaks and dresses, so I doubt I’d ever be able to coordinate a full ensemble with these putrid looking things, but damn are they powerful! In this case I could easily forgo the fashion faux pas. I wouldn’t want them falling onto the wrong feet, so I crouched down to retrieve the crimson clogs, BUT WAIT…THEY DISAPPEARED! Great Caesar’s Ghost! How could this happen?

My head jerked back to see a young girl holding a mongrel, prancing around like a solid gold dancer who just got new shoes at Buster Browns. She was wearing the ruby slippers! My face turned brown with anger, you see, it turned brown because obviously my face is green and mixed with the red from the anger I turned brown. You get the picture right? The warts on my face nearly exploded puss everywhere (from the anger).

The strong scent of Bath & Body Works Fresh Linen soared up my enormously large nostrils. I knew that meant it was my old arch enemy, Glinda The Good Witch, the undying thorn in my side. What an ostentatious entrance. Glinda was nice enough to remind me to be cautious or someone might drop a house on me. Little did I know that if I only trademarked the words that were about to slither out of my mouth I wouldn’t still be paying the steep mortgage payments on my castle in Winkie country. “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!” Somewhere the Demon himself, Gene Simmons, is cringing at the immeasurable loss of yearly income.

I scoped out the sky for any rogue flying houses, then did the vroom vroom on the broom broom. I planned to pounce on the wretched trollop Dorothy’s plan to see the stupid fraud Wizard of Oz. Wouldn’t it be funny if they arrived in OZ and they were closed like when the Griswold’s went to Wally World? I was sure a field of pre-poisoned poppy flowers would subdue them. In a slick move, those misfits slipped Dorothy a Vivarin to make sure she was alert. Once they made it to my haunted forest, a squadron of my flying monkeys hoisted them back to my lair. Remind me to give them a raise since they did such a bang up job on this project.

Back in my chamber I tried to take the ruby slippers off of Dorothy’s feet, but I was electrocuted! There must be some kickass security system on those things. As a last resort, threatening to murder a little girls dog is always the way to go in a dire situation. I dare you to try and capture that mangy mutt, it’s damn near impossible! Toto ran off and lead the rest of Dorothy’s crew right to her and then shit was about to go down! Scarecrow tried to mess with me so I set his arm on fire.

Dorothy threw water at Scarecrow to put out the fire, but it hit me instead! At first I figured, hey it’s only water, right? Until I started to melt. I mean literally melt like Velveeta on nachos in the microwave, except nowhere near as tasty. Come to think of it, I looked more like guacamole. What’s amazing about how this whole thing turned out is that I was lucky enough to escape any trace of water in my life previous to that moment. Raindrops never fell on my head (cause I wear a hat), I guess I’ve always stepped around puddles as not to get my feet wet, was never pelted with a super soaker, or hit with a water balloon. Swimming was a no go, I don’t have sweat glands, and I’ve obviously never brushed my teeth or took a shower because I was that f-cking wicked.

Tales of the Black Freighter on Blu-Ray & DVD 3/24!

Watchmen’s comic within a comic, Tales of the Black Freighter, has been lavishly produced for Blu Ray and DVD and hits stores, online retailers, and on-demand on March 24th. I am totally pumped to see this aspect of Watchmen get such a superb treatment. It’s sad to think that those people who have only experienced Watchmen in a movie theater or IMAX may be unaware of what Tales of the Black Freighter actually is. If you are one of the “enlightened ones,” then you have experienced this ghastly allegorical pirate tale. Even if you haven’t read Watchmen, Tales of the Black Freighter is a “must own” addition to your collection solely for it’s atmosphere and significance in the Watchmen universe.

Delving deeper into Watchmen lore is the short based on Hollis Mason’s book Under the Hood. Mason, the original Nite Owl, published a book detailing his exploits as a costumed hero. Excerpts of the book can be found throughout the pages of Watchmen and now we’re able to experience it in visually stunning high definition! Under the Hood mixes live action and CGI in it’s rousing retelling of Mason’s superhero career. I’m a fan of Nite Owl so naturally I’m excited for this!

Watchmen fans have only dreamed of seeing these unique elements of the mythology unfold visually. It took over 20 years but with these 2 new releases as well as the motion comics, and the new video game The End is Nigh, us Watchmen fans have finally got what we were waiting for!

For more on the Watchmen universe visit:

Why You Need Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno on DVD & Blu-ray

Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is available today on DVD and Blu-Ray. I fought the treacherously slippery roads and 3-4 inches of snow and headed to Best Buy to pick up my copy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard about this film, if you read The Sexy Armpit, and even somewhat enjoy it, then I’m positive you’ll like this film. If for some insane reason you haven’t seen it and still need to be convinced, see it for these reasons:
5) Katie Morgan is nude. Very nude. Oh and Traci Lords is C3PO! (see above)
4) Craig Robinson is hysterical. “Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”
3) Elizabeth Banks is hot. If you don’t believe me…watch Wet Hot American Summer.
2) See what happens when Brandon Routh (Superman) and Justin Long drink one too many cosmos. Together they provide one of the most classic pieces of banter out of all of Kevin Smith’s films. That’s quite a remark considering such classic quotable competition from the likes of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy.
1) The moment depicted in the screen shot above. They plan on making a Star Wars PORN! If you’re sick and tired of the ridiculously delayed homage to Star Wars, Fanboys, then these Star Wars porn scenes will more than tide you over.

Christmas Gifts: Better Late Than Never

Back in November, I made a Christmas list just like I’ve made every year since I was a little kid. I did NOT make a “Bucket List.” I wanted to make that clear from jump street. I do regret not having the chance to share with you some of the cool stuff I got for Christmas, so let’s hop in the DeLorean, (which I’ve adorned with a festive wreath) blast the modified Huey Lewis song “Three Weeks Back in Time,” and kick it up to 88 mph.
Many of the bloggers I read have offered detailed posts about their haul of gifts they received for Christmas. For me, this year was pretty light as far as quantity goes, but heavy on the quality. The PS3 was the most prestigious gift and one I know I’ll be getting many hours of enjoyment from. I can’t wait for the games DCU OnlineLegends of Wrestlemania, and Ghostbusters to be released for the system. I was also pumped that I got The Dark Knight and Step Brothers on Blu Ray. A few requisite pieces of clothing and several other perennial Christmas gift favorites came my way, and I was happy with everything. I’m not the type of person to not appreciate a gift. I’m happy to be receiving A gift let alone several of them. 
First, let me tell about a couple of books that I unwrapped:
I’m a huge fan of Disneyana so The Walt Disney World Trivia Book by Louis A. Mongello was right up my alley. The first page I opened to gave me a little piece of rock and roll info: Did you know that Steve Tyler and Joe Perry rode the Aerosmith Rockin’ Roller Coaster 12 times when they came to Disney’s Hollywood Studios (MGM) for a preview? These are the kind of tidbits I like to dish out when other people are in a serious conversation about global warming. Seriously, you know the next time you go on that ride you’re going to tell whoever you’re with, or whoever’s in range of hearing your voice. There’s plenty of other obscure facts in the book that’ll definitely make you sound like a Disney expert!

The next book was a monster called 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die: A Listener’s Life List by Tom Moon.  I love books like this because they often refer me to new songs or artists that I can add to my repertoire. It’s kind of like the feeling a girl gets when she goes into a shoe store, or a place that sells pocket books like the “Pocket Book Emporium.” Take it easy ladies, I just made that up.
I’m not supporting the term that’s presently being shoved down our throats by these brilliant journalists, (even before the movie came out) “bucket lists.” How many more books and magazine article titles can we read that say “…blah blah…BEFORE YOU DIE.” The most beautiful places in the world you MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE.”  I feel like I’m in some sort of warped death countdown. Please, we are all already aware that we are going to die someday, but I for one am trying to pretend that that day is still very far away. 
I don’t appreciate that I’m being pressured into thinking that I have to cram in traveling the world, donning my cap in the old Yankee Stadium, and having a 69 with Marisa Tomei while skydiving all before I die. None of those things are going to happen, nor do I even care about experiencing the first two, or even the third for that matter. You see, the 69 would have to take place on the plane before we put on all our gear because it would be too much of a bitch to unzip and tear it all off taking terminal velocity into consideration. When we land, I’m hoping I don’t die before I can parachute right into the parking lot of the local T.G.I Fridays, detach our chutes, and walk in and declaring “hey, we aren’t weird or anything.” After being greeted by the hostess and getting a few strange looks after asking to be seated (as long as we are making our last will and testament, I’ll opt to make the “I just flew in and boy my arms are tired” joke. Marisa bowls over in laughter commenting on how cute and funny I am. She then says something to the effect “Oh my God Jay, the feeling of winning an Oscar is nothing compared to how you make me feel when I’m with you.” Then a group of ’80s looking peeps come over to our booth (I requested the booth cause I’m near death and I feel I deserve special treatment because having a booth is on my bucket list.) Well lookie who we have here! It’s Katrina and the Waves singing Walking on Sunshine, which is a song that miraculously just plays whenever we are enjoying ourselves in any context. Sometimes it just plays when we are in a park, or as a matter of fact, anywhere where there are no speakers or stereo equipment. It’s hard to not continue laughing and purposely do more stuff that’s goofy when the song is playing. We bring all the shenanigans to a gradual close with a poignant kiss, and then we order the fish tacos and share a giant strawberry lemonade.
I’m now hereby referring to it as a “FUCK IT LIST.” You see, it rhymes with bucket! This is the list of times where you say “Ah FUCK IT, I’m going to die anyway right?” If I had a Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coin for every time I’ve heard someone say that I’d have amassed the galaxy’s largest collection of Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coins. Now that’s sure to get this country’s economy right back on track. Just knowing that all of the Prune Face coins are all concentrated in one spot will allow the federal reserve to rest easy rather than to worry that the coins are scattered all over the globe in old basements, toy chests, buried in backyards, or laying at the bottom of a sewer drain.
What was my point with that whole tangent? That bucket lists are moronic, nay…the idea of making a list for personal motivation is fine but why do we constantly have to buy into people’s lame trendy, phrases? What’s on my bucket list? To find the EXACT PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING MADE UP NAME AND KICK THEIR ASS UNTIL THEY OFFICIALLY RELINQUISH THE NAME AND WRITE A NOTARIZED LETTER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA WARNING JOURNALISTS AND COLUMNISTS NEVER, EEEEVVVVER, TO USE THIS TERM AGAAAAAIIINNN!
“…Where’s the Tylenol?” 
Welcome back folks! 


Perhaps the gift most worthy of mentioning here on The Armpit, just for its sheer appropriateness, was one I gave rather than received. My father and uncle were both recipients of The Sopranos Chianti. If you’re Italian and from Jersey, you are almost certainly a Sopranos fan. Actually, if you are a living, breathing, human with a modicum of

appreciation for good television, then at the very least you should respect the show. You don’t want to see what happens when you disrespect it! 
Even though The Sopranos is gone, it’s spirit can live on in your wine glass during Sunday’s macaroni dinner. It’s pretty much just your basic Chianti, but it’s got an awesome Sopranos sticker on it which makes it fully connected to the show. If the makers of the Sopranos Chianti really wanted to make it something special they would’ve taken a cue from KISS in 1977 when they poured vials of their own blood into the red ink for their first Marvel comic book. All of the actors should’ve donated blood and then we could truly “drink in” the show. I’m messing with you, I obviously don’t have any interest in drinking blood! Well, I guess only if I was allowed to perform a bass solo, spit the blood out all over the place and wag my tongue. That’s 2 KISS mentions in one paragraph! Gene you now owe me $0.03 cents fucker!
My dad went all out this year and found a classic Christmas gift for me. He got me this really sharp Armitron Batman watch:


This watch is a perfect gift for me since I’m a huge bat-fan. Some other Batman watches I’ve seen don’t possess the same quality or look as badass as this one. The watch is reasonably priced on Amazon.
As always, I had a highly enjoyable Christmas and I was treated tremendously. I know I’m getting old when I start saying stuff like “Christmas isn’t about the gifts,” and “I’m just happy to be together with the family.” No, in all seriousness, Fah who-for-aze and all that kind of stuff! I can’t wait ’til next year!