mallrats Archives - Sludge Central

From Mallrats to Miracle World: Monster Mania Adventure Part 3

Posted on April 3, 2015 by sexyarmpit

Enhancing the ambiance of our departure from Monster Mania was the gray skies, rain, and my fogged up windshield. I couldn’t have asked for a more picturesque day. The sun is nice once in a while, but for this type of weekend, I prefer it to be a horror movie outside. If you’ve been reading along you know there’s a few more stops to make before heading home. Where we’re going we don’t need Google Maps…actually, wait, yes we do. Shit, why did you throw the GPS out the window? Pull over.

It may sound pretty generic, but my first stop was the Cherry Hill Mall. The mall was only a few minutes from Monster Mania so it would’ve been a crime not to stop there. Shannon from Mallrats ™ wouldn’t have any reason to criticize me because I actually did have a very specific shopping agenda. I wasn’t going to buy men’s slacks, nor was I looking to get some junk jewelry and scrunchies from Easy Pickins. Nope, I was there for refreshment of the liquid type. Matt and Ms. X had no clue what the hell I was up to.

I must’ve driven around the entire mall 12 times before I finally settled on a entrance tucked away in a corner. Naturally, this entrance couldn’t have been further from our eventual destination within this “monument of consumerism” (Mallrats ™.) I can’t help myself with the Mallrats references, I’m already getting excited for the sequel.

For the last several months, I’d been overcome with an insane craving for an Orange Julius. The problem was that there’s no Orange Julius places near me. There’s a Dairy Queen nearby, the company that owns them now, but I really wanted an Orange Julius from a standalone Orange Julius store, is that too much to ask? Getting an Orange Julius from a shop that’s solely a Dairy Queen is like getting a Dole Whip any place that’s not Disney World.

The mall by me had and Orange Julius for as long as I can remember, but it closed down several years back and millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror. This was devastating and I haven’t been able to indulge in one in a long time. I remember my mallrat days and there wasn’t a mall visit that went by when I didn’t have either an Orange Julius or an ICEE in hand.

Man, things have changed. It seems like all the good shit has to be 5 thousand miles away nowadays (we took quite a trip just to get Ghostbusters donuts the morning they came out), so incorporating the satisfaction of my craving into the MM weekend worked like a charm. And now, behold, the greatest photo you will ever see of an Orange Julius sitting on top of a trash receptacle in Cherry Hill Mall. Its a very specific genre of avant garde photography. I’m presently teaching a lab course on this at The Learning Annex.

After my tastebuds took part in a delightfully euphoric makeout sesh with that creamy orange goodness, it was onto the next stop, all while obnoxiously sipping an empty cup thinking some extra Julius would magically get sucked up through the straw. It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t make our way to at least one flea market on this trip. After the sad news about The Columbus Flea Market, which we visited last time, I felt that we should drop into another popular Jersey flea market.

I wonder if Ivannah with the 3rd nipple was doing the psychic readings in that room back there?

Surprisingly, I’ve lived in New Jersey my entire life and had never been to the Collingwood flea market. History was about to change. With the rain, we didn’t get to experience the outdoor vendors, although the inside had old school superhero murals on the wall that had clearly been neglected and covered up over the years. They might have been the most intriguing thing about this place for me.

We also stopped into a comic shop within the market which sort of reminded me of the vibe of a comic store I used to go to at the old US1 Flea Market.

From what I saw, the Collingwood market isn’t as eclectic as Englishtown, nor as amazing as Columbus was, yet still a worthwhile stop if you happen to be in the area. #Undertak

Have you had enough? You can’t tap out just yet, there’s one more detour to make before we get home: Zapp Comics in Manalapan. This was my first time at this shop and it was awesome to see that they offered such a wide selection of new comics, back issues, action figures and collectibles. It’s where Matt picked up Odious Ogre from Dungeons and Dragons. There’s something awesome about a store who has tons of used action figures in plastic Ziploc bags neatly stocking the pegs. Makes them feel brand new, even though they are not MOC or MIP. They are OPP, but not BBD.

After all this blousing, I mean browsing, we were starving. Turns out that an Orange Julius won’t carry you through all day, so it was time to eat.

But, hell, why not cram in one more thing before we finally shoved food in our bellies. It was my birthday a few days prior and I still had a present to open from Matt. I may have been secretly waiting to open it to extend my birthday weekend that much longer. It wouldn’t be a gift from Dinosaur Dracula unless it was awesomely nostalgic and this took me back to when I was a kid playing Sega Master System on my mini wooden rocking chair.

Behold, ALEX KIDD in Miracle World. One of my favorite Master System games of all time and Sega’s answer to Super Mario well before Sonic the Hedgehog became synonymous with Sega. Thanks to Matt for the trip down memory lane. Once I’m through posting this I’m going to punch the shit out of rocks with my hysterically giant fist.

Eventually, we decided to eat at a Mexican place called Salsarita’s in Old Bridge. At the time, I had no idea that this was a huge chain. Ordinarily, I make every effort to go to Mom and Pop restaurants because they are usually the hidden gems, but it didn’t matter because I inhaled the food anyway. We were only halfway through our meals and it looked like someone bombed our table with exploding tacos, rice and beans and salsa and chips. It was delicious. The food at this place edges out Chipotle and they also get points for embracing the Mexican cantina atmosphere in contrast with the very basic look of the interior of Chipotle. If you’d like to discuss this in more detail, pick up my new informational pamphlet all about my thoughts on Interior Design in fresh Mexican food chains, it’s called LET’S TALK ABOUT MEX BABY!

You’ve finally made it to the end of our Monster Mania extravaganza. It was quite an elongated account of what really only amounted to the span of Friday night into Saturday afternoon, but reliving it through this post extended the fun even more! Thanks for reading.

Chao Down With Me at The Menlo Park Mall Food Court

Posted on January 15, 2014 by sexyarmpit

The other day as I was taking my car out for a spin (if you must know, I drive a semi-rusted neon green Chevy Corsica that has 469,000 miles on it), when my special Sexy Armpit communicator a.k.a my iPhone, began blinking bright green and making gross squishing noises. It was Sludgey Facetiming me. He said a bunch of my blogging cohorts sent me a message via our super secret pneumatic tube network (not so secret anymore, oops!). I hoped it wasn’t anything serious. “I’ll be right there Sludgey,” I said in my best Bale Batman voice.

Once home, I rushed into the apartment and grabbed the message from Sludgey’s barrel. “You are selected to win a million dollars a year, FOREVER, sincerely, Publisher’s Clearing House” clearly it was the wrong piece of paper. I shuffled through the other messages and finally found the correct one.

TO: Sexy Armpit

We are enlisting you for a mission. Review Chinese food restaurant at your local Mall food court. Go. Now.

And that was all it said. In the case that you ever receive a cryptic message like this, it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I hopped right back into the Corsica and sped off to the world renowned Menlo Park Mall. If you never get the chance to visit Epcot Center, you could do some mind altering drugs and just head to the food court at Menlo. There’s always something for everyone. All types of cuisine are offered, and most notably, Chick-Fil-A. But I couldn’t get distracted by spicy chicken sandwiches and sweet tea right now, I needed to stay focused.

The beauty part about Menlo Park being “My mall” is that I can often use one of my favorite lines from Mallrats, alter it a bit and sub out the Easter Bunny part, like so: “All I said was the Chinese food at the Menlo Park Mall was not appealing and she just threw her tray of chicken and toothpicks up in the air and knocked me down.”

Of course, I’m referring to the sample girl, standing in front of ASIAN CHAO. She was offering everyone meat, but she wasn’t at all enthusiastic about it. In fact, I don’t think this girl could’ve been angrier about the thought of brightening the day of passerby with free food samples. She reminded me of Nicole Bass. She was brutish and imposing. Her fiery visage seemed to harness the flames from that Bourbon Chicken sign behind her directly toward me. I wasn’t sure what I was in for by declining her free sample, but walking up to the counter probably gave me immunity from whatever sort of weirdly uncomfortable beat down that I would’ve received from Nicole.

At first I thought Asian Chao was a really bad ethnic sounding stereotypical name, but after some investigative bloggerism I discovered that the term Chao does indeed refer to a Chinese stir-frying technique.

As I leaned up against a pillar waiting on line to order, I momentarily zoned out. My mind took a trip back in time. Ever since Henry P. Mall (I’m sure that’s his name) came up with the idea to put a roof on the good old outdoor strip mall, malls have been these magnificent structures with endless opportunities to buy all kinds of crap, provide a place for teenagers to get each others phone numbers, or in my case lend its catacombs as a setting for a couple of films I made. I even worked at the movie theater at Menlo for about 6 years of my life. I have some great memories there, a place that feels like my backyard.

I remembered how years ago, on any given weekend, the mall food court was absolutely theeee place to be. It was usually mobbed with people. Although I’ve lived mere seconds from two of the most popular malls in New Jersey for my entire life, a mall outing used to be a pretty big deal. When I wasn’t working at the theater adjacent to the food court, I used to spend all day there sometimes with my friend Sgt. E. We’d get lunch at the food court and then some Icees. We’d pick up some comics and stop in the arcade to play a few games.

My local malls are in a sad state of affairs now. What once existed as the only logical solution to everyone’s shopping dilemma, is now more of a place people go to do something when it’s shitty weather. If you needed to buy 27 gifts during the holidays, without hesitation you’d go to the mall, whereas now you can go to Target or WalMart. The financial crunch is sucking the life out of these malls. For instance, all the fountains have been removed from Woodbridge Center, fountains that I tossed thousands of pennies and nickels into during the course of my entire life, and all the trees have been removed from the food court in Menlo Park Mall. Those damn trees provided such ambiance. Now the food court has been castrated. Maybe too many birds were making homes in them? Maybe they were real trees and their roots were about to crack the floor open and suck everyone into the abyss? It’s sad, both my malls are decomposing.

More on the “Crab Rangoon” later…and yes, I used air quotes

Oh shit. I forgot that I needed to decide what I wanted to order. Now the pressure was on. I had the ultimate booking power for this plate and if I didn’t get my shit together it seemed like the aggravated woman was just going to start tossing random food onto it for me. I wasted all that time reminiscing about mall memories and now I was being harassed by the server behind the counter about what I wanted. I was on a Chipotle-like assembly line and I needed to be part of the flow or get kicked off the line.

There’s a specific part of your id that compels you to get Chinese food. You know how it is. Sometimes you just get that craving. When it happens to me, I go to Ling’s Kitchen in Fords. It’s a legend around these parts. I’m a bit spoiled in that respect, so I have a hard time settling for any Chinese food that’s too much of a departure from how Ling’s prepares their food. When it comes to Chinese cuisine, I’m a total creature of habit. I order the same thing every time: General Tso’s Chicken with brown rice and broccoli. Sometimes places are stingy with the broccoli though.

This photo I took could be the front cover of their menu, that’s how appealing this food looks,

but looks are deceiving as we will find out…

At Asian Chao I had the option for rice and two of the main items. I went with Sesame Chicken because I felt that was a safe bet. Then I added in Chicken and Broccoli. Some of the usual offerings weren’t available, or should I say they weren’t even cooked and/or put out in the serving trays. I’m not a fan of orange chicken or sweet and sour chicken, so those were off the table. I also never order beef or pork if I’m doing Chinese, so my choices were as limited as sample girls angry facial expressions.

First, the Sesame Chicken. The sauce was pretty weak, and to me, that’s a vital component. Aside from a spicy kick, there wasn’t much flavor otherwise. Completely absent was the bold flavor that its rich appearance conned me into believing it had. The chicken itself tasted like the turkey in Christmas Vacation, overcooked, dry, and tough to chew.

Next on the plate was many peoples old standby, Chicken and Broccoli. To best describe this one, imagine a beige rubber car mat from the floor of a 1986 Buick, cut up, soaked in soy sauce, and cooked with broccoli that had been steamed in elementary school water fountain water. Not so good.

I took the liberty of adding a side dish. I’m not a big fan of egg rolls and they’re so common, so I opted for something I never ordered from a Chinese food place before: Crab Rangoon. No idea why I bothered, but I wanted to sample something sort of offbeat and I remembered that I tried this once 10 years ago with Miss Sexy Armpit, which was the first time in my life I had ever actually heard of it. Even when she mentioned it, I thought she was referring to a prequel to 1995’s Beyond Rangoon. I don’t usually eat crab either, but I figured what the hell, I was on a special mission.

If you notice the pattern here, you’ll have an idea of just how underwhelming the Crab Rangoon was. I didn’t think it was possible for this to suck so bad, but the outer shell tasted like two damp, dustless Doritos fused together and stuffed with a tiny ball of cream cheese and crab meat. For some reason, I think the two specific rangoons they served me were the same ones that the manager laid out on the ledge of an open window in his apartment when it was drizzling. Then he realized he was late for his shift and he shoved them in his pocket and brought them to the serving area once he arrived at work.

Even the rice was average at best. How do you screw up RICE?

It probably seems like I’m exaggerating for effect, or being too picky, but it was all so laughably sub-par. Actually, maybe it is on par with what mall food court Chinese food is supposed to be like? Either way, Asian Chao isn’t doing the food court in Menlo any favors. If malls want to come back in a big way, they need a damn good Chinese place that makes mouths water. Everyone has their own concept of what their Chinese food needs taste like, and mine is definitely not at Asian Chao.

I didn’t even eat the majority of the meal and wound up going home unfulfilled. All wasn’t lost though, because this experience caused my mind to replay a line from one of my major all-time crushes, Marisa Tomei.

“I bet the Chinese food here is terrible” – Mona Lisa Vito, My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Make sure you stop by all my friends sites to read their reviews of Chinese food places at their local mall food courts:

Matt at Dinosaur Dracula
Brian at Review The World
Will at Veggie Macabre
Molly at Swaggermom Tales

Dawn of the Mallrats and Zombie Clerks

Posted on August 19, 2013 by sexyarmpit

photo mallratszombie1888Ott_zps03acd1a1.jpg

“Dawn of the Mallrats” by Chris Ott

available at http://london1888.bigcartel.com/

“You’re dead Mallrat” isn’t just a line in the movie anymore.

Nowadays it seems like everybody wants to be a zombie, walk like a zombie in a parade, or make zombie parody art, which leads us to today’s entry.

When checking out the London 1888 online store after picking up one of their shirts over the weekend at Monster Mania, I also noticed artist Chris Ott’s love for Kevin Smith.

“Dawn of the Mallrats” is a faithful mash-up print of Dawn of the Dead and Mallrats. The connection here, of course, is that monument of consumerism, a mall, actually, let me rephrase that – THEE MALL.

When it was released in theaters in ’95, Mallrats was my ultimate movie. You could imagine how a Jersey teenager who spent a lot of time at the mall, loved Clerks, and wanted to be a filmmaker like Kevin Smith, would latch on to a film like Mallrats so hard, especially considering that I lived about a thousand feet from two of the most popular malls in the state. One of which just happens to be the mall that has a truly convincing Easter Bunny.

In the artwork Brody and TS haven’t been inflicted yet, but we see that Jay and Silent Bob, Shannon, Gwen, William, that d-bag Mr. Svenning, and even Stan Lee are all full fledged undead. Even with just a quick glance you can see that Ott really paid attention to details. Clearly, William’s eye bugged out, quite possibly from staring at the magic eye picture of that sailboat too long…or was it a schooner?

photo clerkszombie1888Ott_zpsc0a1f1c8.jpg

Christ Ott’s Zombie Clerks print: http://london1888.bigcartel.com/product/clerks

Also check out Chris Ott’s zombified Clerks print. The gang is all here out in front of the Quick Stop in Leonardo, NJ! Awesome stuff Chris!

GREAT GEEK GORGE #8: Eating Katy Perry, Chiller Theatre, and 12″ Action Dolls!

Posted on May 8, 2013 by sexyarmpit

Welcome to the long winded 8th edition of Great Geek Gorge. This where I spew about some of the crap I bought or consumed recently and throw it all into one very random post. Today we’ll look at a new snack, some giant action figures, and some hot zombie mermaids.

Katy Perry’s Kettle Corn Pop Chips

The thought of eating Katy Perry’s…chips…appeals to me. Like many of you, I also easily fall prey to product tie-ins. If Katy Perry was on the carton of Eggland’s Best, or growing her own line of organic watermelons (Katy’s watermelon’s…), or even a Campbell’s soup tie-in (Katy’s Clam Chowder), I’d be on line at the store as soon as they are released. You can see how it makes food more appealing. When I was a kid and went grocery shopping with my mom, anytime I saw Batman or Superman on the label of a peanut butter container, I nearly went into convulsions. Had to have it. Not much has changed.

Normally, I enjoy Pop Chips. They are a lighter alternative to other types of chips, but I can’t say I buy them often though because they seem pricey for a bag filled with air and just a few chips at the bottom. Hands down my favorite flavor is Barbecue – I could polish off a regular sized bag in no time. So when I saw a display of Katy Perry in Quick Check advertising her new Pop Chips flavor, it was obvious I went into my usual “buy two” mode. After tasting them I was disappointed that the Kettle Corn flavor wasn’t prominent enough. I don’t know if that means they weren’t sweet enough or what, but I will tell you that I don’t think it was necessary to make chips in the flavor of kettle corn when you can just buy a bag of actual kettle corn and bypass any possible disappointment. It’s like ordering steak-flavored chicken at a steakhouse. Katy should’ve just created her own candy line instead.

Chiller Theater Expo – April 26th, 2013

Usually I find a few cool things at the Chiller Theater Expo here in N.J to share with you and the Spring 2013 installment yielded a couple of worthy items. A few weeks back, the pop culture and toy convention took over the castle themed Sheraton in Parsippany, NJ. Sure, the guest signings are great, but my favorite part is always the dealer rooms. Even though the rooms get a bit cramped, they are chock full of stuff that you can’t find anywhere else.

First I ran into my buddy Jessica Rajs from Gorgeous and Gory. Each year, Jess and her crew create a fantastic calendar featuring zombified pinup models. This year’s theme is mermaids. The photography and effects are incredible and the makeup is superb, so head over to Gorgeous and Gory to get one for yourself!

Cookie’s art. kicks. ass. Cookie’s own brand of art is inspired by punk rock and horror and is aptly named Rock and Roll Art School. I wasn’t familiar with Cookie before the last Chiller, but that’s the beauty of the event. I was walking around the dealer room and anytime I see neon colors or Lily Munster I stop right in my tracks. I’m easily distracted so this brightly colored painting of Lily was screaming for me to buy it, and I replied out loud immediately, “You don’t have to scream at me neaon Lily, you had me at “Ohhh Herman.” Check out Cookie’s collection of vibrant monster and tattoo art for sale at his Etsy shop! http://www.etsy.com/shop/RockNRollArtSchool

batman photo batmanwb12inchfigure_zpse21e74f1.jpg

WB Store 12″ DC Super Heroes Batman Figure – now with BONUS extraneous backstory!

Lately I’ve been on a kick of larger sized action figures – which are actually more like dolls. Obviously many male collectors don’t want to admit that they own dolls, and I will only admit it if it seriously reminds me of a freaking doll. If it’s 6″ inches tall or smaller and is made of plastic, it’s an action figure. Any bigger than that then the figure/doll war rages on.

Growing up, I had no use for any figure larger than my Kenner Super Powers or Star Wars figures. They were perfectly sized and very easy to collect. I came to the party a little late for the ’70s Mego phase, so the larger sized action-doll type figures (satisfying everyone, see?) with changeable clothes never appealed to me, and they really still don’t. I’m talking about these 12″-14″ monstrous sized plastic and vinyl figures. I always used to wonder why these giant collectibles were even getting made and I also wondered who was actually buying them since they seemed to sit on the shelves forever when I was a kid. For some reason though, within the past year or so, I’ve been having these urges to own several key figures of this size. If you ask me what my inspiration is, I can’t even tell you because I have absolutely no clue what brought this on. I only recently found out about the re-release of the 12″ Star Wars figures, but I am not going to let myself fall into that Sarlaac Pit of collecting. Maybe the culprit was when I picked up those 10″ Dark Knight Rises Batman and Bane figures? Now just stop it Jay. We can’t keep this going or I’m going to have to buy another place just for my toys.

Let me take you back to when I could care less about figures of this size. When the mall was the place to be, before eBay and Amazon became one of my favorite past times, I actually used to go to the mall with my friends. Yes, we physically ventured out of the house and into a place where you could put one foot in front of the other and transport yourself from store to store. Novel idea right? Many times we walked to the two nearby malls, (ahh we used to have so much ambition, right?) other times we got dropped off by our parents. Much like Shannon in Mallrats, I too used to have a shopping agenda, and much like Brody in Mallrats, I was there for comics.

The two malls in my vicinity no longer even have comic book shops, but back in the day there were a couple that I frequented like Heroes World and Comic Attitudes, among others. In addition to the comic shops, I always had to stop at music stores like Record Town and Sam Goody, and eventually I’d start browsing videos at Suncoast Motion Picture Company. There was also the Warner Brothers Studio Store which usually came through with some cool DC Super Hero swag that you couldn’t find anywhere else.

That was a long journey just to tell you that I found a badass black 12″ Batman figure at Chiller. This particular figure/doll is one I hadn’t seen since my days of actually walking around the mall. I was able to knock the price down enough and brought it home. I felt like this was a good score since this specific line is pretty scarce, even on eBay. And now I find myself on a quest for a few of his peeps so he has someone to hang out with. The funny part about this line of DC Superheroes is that when they were on the shelves it was like they didn’t exist to me. I hated every aspect of oversized figures. Now, I’m obsessed with the idea. Funny how things change in some respects, but I’m still such an easy target for slapping Katy Perry on a bag of chips as if I was a 7 year old girl.

When Push Comes To Shove: WARRIOR – Review by Nick Holden

Posted on September 15, 2011 by sexyarmpit

The Sexy Armpit’s featured writer Nick “N.J” Holden is back! Here’s his review of WARRIOR, a film featuring scenes filmed in Atlantic City as well as Tom Hardy a.k.a BANE in Dark Knight Rises!

You know what a crowd-pleaser is? Sure you do, when a movie makes the audience happy, such as when Daniel LaRusso rose up to kick uber-bully John Norris into the next world in The Karate Kid (the 1984 version, not the lame-ass remake) or when T.S. finally won Brandy’s heart in Mallrats (with a little assistance from good buddy Brodie). Both movies told simple stories and relied on the strength of the characters to push everything forward, and in some cases, made the film memorable despite plot holes and typical Hollywood clichés. The new film Warrior is a throwback to the crowd-pleaser, and while it won’t score points for originality, it makes up tremendously in character and brutal, but not gratuitous, martial arts action.

Brendan Conlon (Joel Edgerton) is a former mixed martial artist turned teacher who is faced with overwhelming debt that threatens to leave him and his family homeless. Long estranged from his father (Nick Nolte), a former alcoholic boxer, he soon finds himself competing in small independent venues until he sees the brass ring; Sparta, an elimination-style tournament in Atlantic City that could help him avoid financial disaster. On the other side of the spectrum is his younger brother Tommy (Tom Hardy), a former Marine running from his past who turns to his father to help him train for Sparta. Eventually, after several violent battles, the brothers find themselves facing each other in the main event amidst much tension and family drama.

Basically, it’s Rocky meets The Fighter, only set in the world of MMA, fitting since it has exploded all over due to the popularity of Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC, Strikeforce, and other promotions all over the world. Actors Edgerton and Hardy completely immerse themselves into their roles by bulking up (especially Hardy, who looks like a smaller version of The Hulk) and undergoing extensive martial arts training for the film’s numerous fight scenes. Also appearing in smaller roles are real-life fighters Nate “The Great” Marquardt, Erik Apple, and Anthony Johnson, giving the film an authentic feel. The appearance of TNA wrestler Kurt Angle as an invincible Russian fighter (shades of MMA superstar Fedor Emelianenko) seems a tad cartoonish, but the showdown between him and Brendan is one ferocious battle to be seen on film. Nick Nolte does an admirable job as the absentee father who tries to reconnect with both sons, but finds himself at odds with his own demons.

Mostly set in Pennsylvania, the film’s conclusion takes place in New Jersey’s own den of sin, Atlantic City. One of the more memorable takes place in the dead of night on the shores of NJ, when both brothers have a powerful reunion, with each man not sure of the other’s motives or if their fractured family will survive their in-cage encounter. A strength in Warrior is the focus on the individual above all else; there are no real villains that stand in the way of the brothers’ quest for glory, only their own pasts. Brendan struggles with trying to decide if he really has what it takes to go all the way and take home the ultimate prize. Tommy is running from his past and, while begrudgingly trains under his father, tries to make up for his own misgivings as a son and soldier.

The film does have its flaws, however. It runs a tad too long (a hair over two hours) and the conclusion does leave many unanswered questions as to where the family stands after the final fight. It also has the clichés we’ve seen before; the principal who is against Brendan, then cheers him on, Brendan’s students all rallying for him, and montages of the training regiments. But if you’re into a crowd-pleaser on a nice weekend night or a fan of MMA, then Warrior is a nice breath of air; not fresh air, but good air nonetheless.

Easter Bunny Blasphemy!

Posted on April 24, 2011 by sexyarmpit

JAY: “You’re f*cking kidding me, the Easter Bunny did this?

BRODIE: “All I said was the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park Mall was more

convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down”

JAY: “He’s f*ckin’ dead…”

BRODIE: “Oh, let it go he’s under a lot of pressure.”

T.S: “What the hell happened to him?”

JAY: “The guy in the Easter Bunny suit kicked his ass!”

The territorial aspect of Kevin Smith’s films can’t be fully appreciated unless you are from New Jersey. If you’re from Pittsburgh, PA or Peoria, IL, the effect is not exactly the same. It’s like the way that people from Dallas felt a part of the long running prime time soap based on the Texas city, and it’s also no different than the way people in Philly connect with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you’re an outsider you probably didn’t know that the people who suit up as Easter Bunnies at malls in Central New Jersey have a bad chip on their shoulder, so don’t f*ck with them!

This doesn’t mean that if you are a non-Jerseyan you like Mallrats less than us, it’s just in a different way. Much like Clerks, it was a thrill when I first saw Mallrats in the theater since there were so many references to the local area. The mall scenes in Mallrats were not filmed in Jersey, but Brodie mentions Menlo Park Mall in Edison, New Jersey. Menlo Park Mall was quite an institution. It was one of those places where my family and everyone we knew would be at constantly. I have fond memories of it, especially before it’s revamp in the early ’90s.

Along with the above Easter Bunny scene, Mallrats also has an exterior shot of the old U.S #1 Flea Market. It was a legendary emporium that I also used to frequent a lot as a kid with my family. The flea market closed years ago to make way for a Loews Cineplex, which has since been taken over by AMC Theaters.

Back in 1995, even though it was merely through a couple of quick references, Smith provided a completely fresh take on Jersey in Mallrats. He put Jersey on a pedestal, years before it was considered trendy. When Kevin Smith was originally embracing his home state there were no reality shows, and especially none that took place in Jersey. At that time Jersey wasn’t getting a lot of play in movies either, and when it did, it was usually the butt of a joke.

Smith also pioneered the fact that it was cool to be a geek. I can’t claim that trend to have originated in New Jersey but I can tell you that since then Seth Cohen from the O.C and the guys on Big Bang Theory as well as many others have been proud of their geeky lifestyle. They can thank Kevin Smith for making Brodie one of the coolest S.O.B’s in the history of movies. He’s literally a fanboy icon. I used to think that if a guy who liked comic books and video games as much as Brodie did could be that cool, it just reassured me that there were others like me out there. Although I doubt I’d ever choose a game of NHL Hockey on Genesis over a roll in the hay with a bitter, post 90210 Shannen Doherty, but that’s another story.

Smith’s films have helped geeks become proud of their fixations and he’s created films that have upped New Jersey’s coolness factor. For example, after Mallrats came out, people in Tonganoxie, Kansas thought we slackers in Jersey were pretty f’n rad, and meticulous with our comic book collections. I have news for you, we still are.

Mallrats Wedding Proposal

Posted on July 16, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Mallrats (1995)

It’s not blasphemous that I like Mallrats more than Clerks. I draw a lot of heat for that amongst friends and Kevin Smith fans. Ever since I first saw Mallrats at the local theater I connected with it more than Clerks. Possibly because it’s a bigger, more comical film and it featured many elements that had already become Smith’s calling card. Most of all, it hits home because we have so many malls in New Jersey and when you’re young and a comic book reading movie geek who’s done reading that week’s comics and brought all his videos back, there’s not much to do besides go and walk around the mall. Personally, I grew up sandwiched in between 2 of the most notorious “monuments to consumerism” as Brodie (Jason Lee) refers to them.

In the scene pictured above, TS relays to his comic hoarding friend Brodie that if his trip to Florida with his girlfriend Brandi didn’t get squashed, he was planning on proposing to her.

TS: “I was gonna propose to her.”

BRODIE: “Where?”

TS: “On the Universal tour.”

BRODIE: “You’re kidding, what part?”

TS: “When Jaws pops out of the water”

BRODIE: “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard”

TS: “Yeah, well too bad I’m not trying to marry you.”

I wonder how many people actually proposed on the Jaws ride in honor of that quote? I wouldn’t be surprised if tons of lightbulbs simultaneously went off in many hardcore Kevin Smith fans’ heads when they heard that one, as they turned and gazed diabolically at their significant others. To take it to the next level, I bet there are even fans out there who got engaged as they visited the Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park Mall, ya know, cause the US1 Flea Market closed ages ago.

Anyone have a good proposal story inspired by a Kevin Smith film? Ha! Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask!

Sprung Through Cages Out On Highway 9

Posted on January 15, 2010 by sexyarmpit

Bruce Springsteen didn’t just pull a random New Jersey road out of the back pocket of his jeans to name drop in “Born to Run.” Much like the escalator in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, Route 9 should be feared and respected. Not only is the road filled with potholes in many stretches of it’s Garden State sprawl, but it’s also known for it’s fast, furious, and f-cked up drivers. If you have the choice, you’re better off staying away and re-routing your GPS. And whatever you do, don’t walk on the side of the highway, or as Dr. Evazan said in the cantina scene in Star Wars… “You’ll be DEAD!” Or to one up myself…as Admiral Bruce Ackbarsteen said “It’s a DEATH TRAP!”

This article from Jackson NJ Online News featured a report on New Jersey’s Most Dangerous Roads for Pedestrians. If you live in Jersey, reading this information is vital to your survival! Route 9 comes in at number 2 on the list, but then again, Bruce Springsteen didn’t mention US-130 in one of his immortal songs now did he?

I Can’t Even Doodle

Posted on March 2, 2009 by sexyarmpit

My lack of artistic ability prohibited me from making those neat doodles on my text book covers and notebooks growing up. A bunch of my friends and classmates often drew dead on sketches and hilarious caricatures of our teachers in mere seconds. If it wasn’t KISS or Batman related, then it wasn’t on my 2 item long “able to draw” list. My family and friends always tried to rationalize it for me “But you’re good at other things, Jay!” Yeah right. I admire artists and I’ve always wished that I was one. Void of any artistic ability whatsoever, I continued to envy my friends who WERE excellent artists.

In class, I’d peer over at my friend Mark’s notebook and see all of his awesome and intricate sketches that he’d drawn during a boring lecture or during a free period in school. What he created simply on a piece of lined notebook paper seemed larger than life. To me, it meant that he must’ve had big ideas going on in his head. I mentioned to Mark that I thought he was really talented and I’d like to see more of his artwork. What really grabbed me about his sketches was that he’d occasionally draw a superhero, creature, or giant transformer-type robot. Naturally, being obsessed with comics since I was able to read, I also revered comic art. Mark offered to bring in his portfolio book for me to look at if I was interested. I told him “hell yeah!” of course I wanted to see it.

The next day at school Mark took his portfolio book out of his backpack and handed it to me. While examining the large pages of his creations, I thought to myself, “how talented is this guy?” and “Damn, I want him to draw something for me!” It was almost as if he read my mind, because when the period was over, and we were filing out of the classroom, Mark said “Hey Jay…I forgot…I drew something for you…here you go.” Mark drew this up for me in class on a piece of notebook paper:

Mark knew I loved Kevin Smith films. At the time Clerks and Mallrats were the only Kevin Smith movies that had been released, but I was obsessed already. Now, almost 15 years later, I’m still obsessed with Kevin Smith movies, and Mark is still exercising his skills as a freelance artist. Pay a visit to Line Light Arts where Mark Constantino and other excellent artists are featured. Look for posts by “MarkJC.”

Street Fighter II’s Blanka by Mark Constantino

Click here to read more about my worship of comic art in the Armpit’s recap of the NY Comic Con ‘09 Part 1 and Part 2.

and

Reasons why you NEED to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Why You Need Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno on DVD & Blu-ray

Posted on February 4, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno is available today on DVD and Blu-Ray. I fought the treacherously slippery roads and 3-4 inches of snow and headed to Best Buy to pick up my copy. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard about this film, if you read The Sexy Armpit, and even somewhat enjoy it, then I’m positive you’ll like this film. If for some insane reason you haven’t seen it and still need to be convinced, see it for these reasons:

5) Katie Morgan is nude. Very nude. Oh and Traci Lords is C3PO! (see above)

4) Craig Robinson is hysterical. “Han Solo ain’t never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!”

3) Elizabeth Banks is hot. If you don’t believe me…watch Wet Hot American Summer.

2) See what happens when Brandon Routh (Superman) and Justin Long drink one too many cosmos. Together they provide one of the most classic pieces of banter out of all of Kevin Smith’s films. That’s quite a remark considering such classic quotable competition from the likes of Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy.

1) The moment depicted in the screen shot above. They plan on making a Star Wars PORN! If you’re sick and tired of the ridiculously delayed homage to Star Wars, Fanboys, then these Star Wars porn scenes will more than tide you over.