Santa Brought Me Some Cool Shit

KISS + The Beatles = The Beats T-Shirt and Batman lounge pants and Bat-Beer Koozie

Coal is some HOT shit. Instead, I got some cool shit for Christmas. Every year I’m very appreciative of the gifts people give me, the time and effort they put into choosing, buying, and wrapping them, and this year is no different. As usual, the holidays passed by so fast, and now I finally have the chance to look back at some of my gifts.

Usually it’s hard to even think of ideas to tell the people in my life who aren’t sure what to get me for Christmas. But it should actually be pretty easy come to think of it. I’ve liked comics, Batman, WWE/WWF, music, movies, KISS, SNL, Disney, and horror movies since I was a little kid so there’s a wide range of stuff to choose from right there. You can’t go wrong with a person who has a lot of interests.

Oh, and of course there’s my little obsession with the toxic sludge flooded state I call home. As highlighted here on The Sexy Armpit, pretty much anything Jersey related will also do the trick. To avoid having to do the previous rundown every time someone asks me for ideas, I usually just ask for some Tinker Toys…and iTunes and Amazon gift cards. The ‘Pit Crew picked out some really great ones this year. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Disney Traditions Hitchhiking Ghosts Statue by artist Jim Shore

I’m a foolish mortal, and a HUGE Haunted Mansion fan. Last time I was in Disney World, I drooled over this baby in every store we shopped in. Thanks to Ms. Sexy Armpit for this badass surprise!
Funky Chunks Soaps!

When you’re done reading this, click over to and pick up some of their creatively handmade 100% Vegan soaps. Their soaps smell amazing and lather up nicely. After you’re done perusing, read about Michele Rosta, the former punk rocker from Cleveland turned New Jersey soap maker. I was happy to receive The Jersey Devil soap (pictured above) with an order I placed for Christmas. This gray, concrete looking bar of soap smells awesome and has a masculine sensibility, while their Jersey Girl soap (below) is more of a chick soap.

For you non-Jersey maniacs out there, don’t worry, they also offer soaps that aren’t Jersey related such as Frosted Pumpkin, Bewitched, Secret Sin, and Lavender Lemonade to name a few. Trust me, if your mom is going to put soap in your mouth for dropping an F-bomb, you better pray it’s Funky Chunks!

Ghosts of Central New Jersey and Hot Wheels FrankenBerry Van

My sister picked me up The Ghosts of Central Jersey by Richard J. Kimmel which is right up my alley, but I must confess, I bought the Franken Berry van for myself at Pathmark of all places. 

6 Last Minute Gift Ideas from Paul Blart: Mall Cop

If you are a living, breathing homosapien and you saw 2009’s Paul Blart: Mall Cop, chances are you thought it was a piece of crap. Even though it made an assload of money at the box office, it was critically panned. As you might have suspected, I was one of the people who actually liked it. I have an affinity for “stupid funny” and Kevin James is a master of that art. His love interest in the film, Jayma Mays, was looking cute like a young Goldie Hawn. At least for me, Paul Blart was easier to swallow than the weirder mall security movie, Observe and Report, which was released a few months later. Paul Blart: Mall Cop was set in West Orange, New Jersey but was actually filmed in Massachusetts because the production company was denied a permit to film in Willowbrook Mall in Wayne, New Jersey.

Enough of the minutia, if you’re looking for some last minute gift ideas and you don’t feel like kidnapping your cousin-in-law’s boss, here’s a few ideas plucked straight from the DVD of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.


6) A PINK PUSH UP BRA FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET – Victoria’s Secret has risen to the level of Tiffany’s in that every girl loves to get something from either store. You could buy the sluttiest little lingerie ensemble, but when they see the tag that says Victoria’s Secret, they’ll be anxious to try it on for you.


5) A WIG – Jayma Mays looks great in all kinds of wigs and I’m sure your girl will too. Cosplay is more popular than ever so why not play dress up once in a while? A Pink wig works wonders, and hell…what about a Blue Katy Perry type wig? It’ll transform your lady into an enticing celebrity in no time.


4) A SEGWAY HUMAN TRANSPORTER – You’re already in debt so what’s another $6,000 to $11,000 bucks? You can ride girls around the mall on the ol’ seg and then their phone numbers will seamlessly find their way into your pocket in no time. It’ll be a piece of cake…or pie with peanut butter slathered on it!


3) CELL PHONE BLING – jewels for a cell phone are a cheap and easy stocking stuffer. Although extremely gaudy, many girls like these peel and stick rhinestone phone accessories.


2) A REALLY EXPENSIVE PEN – Even in this digital age, everyone still has to sign their name once in a while so why not shock the kid behind the counter with your pretentious taste in pens? More specifically the Summit 5280 Fountain Pen that the douchebag Stuart (Stephen Rannazzisi) is pushing. It makes you feel like you have a little piece of heaven between your fingers.


1) ROCK BAND – Whether it’s 1, 2, or 3, it really doesn’t matter. They are all awesome and fun, especially when playing and singing along to KISS’ “Detroit Rock City,” like Paul Blart does while all alone in the mall arcade.

The Hall and Oates Gift Tin? Say It Isn’t So!

Every year I accompany Miss Sexy Armpit to a Christmas gift swap party that her sister and brother in law hold. I usually try to conjure up an oddball gift, and last year’s Beat the Meat Gift Basket was a big hit. You can watch the video of that HERE. This year I assembled quite a gift. The Hall and Oates Gift Tin included a $10 dollar iTunes gift card, Hall and Oates Greatest Hits, a full variety pack of Quaker Oatmeal, and 2 packs of Halls Breezers cough drops. All together the value of the entire gift was over $30 since I also included the lovely Wal-Mart Christmas tin. 

The tin sat there under the tree the entire length of the swap. It was as if people knew that it might be the lamest gift there so they stayed away. Even after several chants of “Take the Tin!” and heckles such as “Open the tin” “Hey, there’s a cookie tin there!” and “The Tin, The Tin, The Tin!” It remained unopened. Finally, when the last person’s turn came they ignored the last gift which was the tin under the tree and opted to steal a gift. So the person who got their gift stolen was forced to open what was left under the tree.

Unfortunately, the wordplay was lost on it’s recipient. The poor guy didn’t even know who Hall and Oates was! I didn’t think that was possible! Six #1 hits on the Billboard charts and he never heard of them? Was he was born in the ’90s or was he just “OUT OF TOUCH?” HAHAHAHA! In the end I made out like a bandit. There wasn’t much to choose from since most gifts usually involve alcohol, or blankets. I zeroed in on the $25 dollar iTunes gift card that I stole from an innocent party goer. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually steal her gift, in the game you’re allowed to forego your shot at a new gift and steal someone else’s that they’ve already unwrapped. It’s a cruel world.

The Beat The Meat Gift Basket Went Over BIG!

My man Matt f’n Porter had the same idea as I did. He left a comment telling me to shoot some video of whoever opens the gift basket, and I was one step ahead of him! I remembered not to leave without my camera! (If you didn’t read the previous post, now is a good time.) I was very close to coming home with the latest Rihanna CD, but luckily, someone stole them from me when it was their turn. I applauded the guy who wanted to take them off my hands. Yeah, seriously…it was a guy. It was time for me to open another gift and so I took home a bunch of scratch off lotto tickets that scored me $13 dollars, so that wasn’t a bad deal. Now check out how the BTM gift basket went over:

*The Sexy Armpit’s Twitter account background has been redesigned. It’s not a major overhaul or anything, but if you are a perceptive one then you will notice it’s new and improved sheen.
*There will be several more posts coming to you from The Sexy Armpit before Christmas so come back again this week!

Curb Feelers: A Story of True Love by Momma Armpit

The following story was actually written by The Sexy Armpit’s Mom! It’s a true story, and I’m posting it “for all you lovers out there.” There are people who get married and divorce a year or 2 later. What they may not realize is that relationships are hard work and if you can put up with the kind of crap my Mom did, then you’ll be OK! Does true love exist? Help us Mommy Armpit, you’re our only hope!

My husband and I will be married 40 years this coming October. When we were first married, we always spoke about how we would try very hard to save money so we could purchase our first home together. Our first anniversary came and we tried our best not to think of the cost of things and shared a romantic dinner in a lovely restaurant.  Shortly after that, we purchased our first home, a little townhouse.  We were so excited about being homeowners!  All we thought of were the different “projects” we would tackle every weekend. We decorated, fixed, and painted, in order to make our home a warm and cozy place. 
As our 3rd anniversary approached, we were still changing things around the house, however the focus was on the “newer car” we purchased. It was a black Caprice with wide white-wall tires. (Hey, it was the ’70s!) My husband washed and polished it as often as he could.  Saturday afternoons were spent making the car and those beautiful wide white wall tires just shine & glisten! My husband took the train to his office every day, and I was the lucky one to drive the sparkling black car with the w i d e white walls. 
Unfortunately, every time I pulled up to the curb to park the car, I scraped the pearly, pristine, white walls. After several months of scrubbing the tires clean, my husband decided that he would buy me the best gift of all time for Valentines Day. I opened the package, which was wrapped in red paper with a big bow, and looked at him and said, “So this is my Valentines Gift? What is it??” 

“Why, they are curb-feelers!” he replied with great enthusiasm. “You must know what they are?” “No,” I said. I have no idea.” “The next time you pull up to the curb to park, you’ll hear them make a sound against the curb so you won’t scuff up the white walls anymore!” my husband expounded gleefully. I’m sure, I was supposed to react differently, but my face dropped to the floor! He really thought this was truly the most practical gift since we were always trying to save a dollar for the next “project” in our love nest, but in my heart I just knew that he would have another gift for me.  
The following day, as I returned from work and the curb-feelers were in place, my husband asked, “How did you do today parking the car? How were the curb feelers?” “Oh they are just great honey, don’t know how I managed without them all these months!” As the winter months passed and spring arrived, I somehow forgot about the silly curb-feelers. He was happy every time he washed the car because the white walls weren’t scraped up.
Then, on an average day with no occasion, my husband surprised me by bringing me into the city for a lovely day. We went out to dinner and he even had theater tickets! As I think back on almost 40 years, all the good times and bad times, I think to myself, I should have never gotten so upset over those silly curb feelers. I’m not even sure if they can even be found today…maybe they are still on that beautiful black shiny ’72 Caprice in the sky!   

Christmas Gifts: Better Late Than Never

Back in November, I made a Christmas list just like I’ve made every year since I was a little kid. I did NOT make a “Bucket List.” I wanted to make that clear from jump street. I do regret not having the chance to share with you some of the cool stuff I got for Christmas, so let’s hop in the DeLorean, (which I’ve adorned with a festive wreath) blast the modified Huey Lewis song “Three Weeks Back in Time,” and kick it up to 88 mph.
Many of the bloggers I read have offered detailed posts about their haul of gifts they received for Christmas. For me, this year was pretty light as far as quantity goes, but heavy on the quality. The PS3 was the most prestigious gift and one I know I’ll be getting many hours of enjoyment from. I can’t wait for the games DCU OnlineLegends of Wrestlemania, and Ghostbusters to be released for the system. I was also pumped that I got The Dark Knight and Step Brothers on Blu Ray. A few requisite pieces of clothing and several other perennial Christmas gift favorites came my way, and I was happy with everything. I’m not the type of person to not appreciate a gift. I’m happy to be receiving A gift let alone several of them. 
First, let me tell about a couple of books that I unwrapped:
I’m a huge fan of Disneyana so The Walt Disney World Trivia Book by Louis A. Mongello was right up my alley. The first page I opened to gave me a little piece of rock and roll info: Did you know that Steve Tyler and Joe Perry rode the Aerosmith Rockin’ Roller Coaster 12 times when they came to Disney’s Hollywood Studios (MGM) for a preview? These are the kind of tidbits I like to dish out when other people are in a serious conversation about global warming. Seriously, you know the next time you go on that ride you’re going to tell whoever you’re with, or whoever’s in range of hearing your voice. There’s plenty of other obscure facts in the book that’ll definitely make you sound like a Disney expert!

The next book was a monster called 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die: A Listener’s Life List by Tom Moon.  I love books like this because they often refer me to new songs or artists that I can add to my repertoire. It’s kind of like the feeling a girl gets when she goes into a shoe store, or a place that sells pocket books like the “Pocket Book Emporium.” Take it easy ladies, I just made that up.
I’m not supporting the term that’s presently being shoved down our throats by these brilliant journalists, (even before the movie came out) “bucket lists.” How many more books and magazine article titles can we read that say “…blah blah…BEFORE YOU DIE.” The most beautiful places in the world you MUST SEE BEFORE YOU DIE.”  I feel like I’m in some sort of warped death countdown. Please, we are all already aware that we are going to die someday, but I for one am trying to pretend that that day is still very far away. 
I don’t appreciate that I’m being pressured into thinking that I have to cram in traveling the world, donning my cap in the old Yankee Stadium, and having a 69 with Marisa Tomei while skydiving all before I die. None of those things are going to happen, nor do I even care about experiencing the first two, or even the third for that matter. You see, the 69 would have to take place on the plane before we put on all our gear because it would be too much of a bitch to unzip and tear it all off taking terminal velocity into consideration. When we land, I’m hoping I don’t die before I can parachute right into the parking lot of the local T.G.I Fridays, detach our chutes, and walk in and declaring “hey, we aren’t weird or anything.” After being greeted by the hostess and getting a few strange looks after asking to be seated (as long as we are making our last will and testament, I’ll opt to make the “I just flew in and boy my arms are tired” joke. Marisa bowls over in laughter commenting on how cute and funny I am. She then says something to the effect “Oh my God Jay, the feeling of winning an Oscar is nothing compared to how you make me feel when I’m with you.” Then a group of ’80s looking peeps come over to our booth (I requested the booth cause I’m near death and I feel I deserve special treatment because having a booth is on my bucket list.) Well lookie who we have here! It’s Katrina and the Waves singing Walking on Sunshine, which is a song that miraculously just plays whenever we are enjoying ourselves in any context. Sometimes it just plays when we are in a park, or as a matter of fact, anywhere where there are no speakers or stereo equipment. It’s hard to not continue laughing and purposely do more stuff that’s goofy when the song is playing. We bring all the shenanigans to a gradual close with a poignant kiss, and then we order the fish tacos and share a giant strawberry lemonade.
I’m now hereby referring to it as a “FUCK IT LIST.” You see, it rhymes with bucket! This is the list of times where you say “Ah FUCK IT, I’m going to die anyway right?” If I had a Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coin for every time I’ve heard someone say that I’d have amassed the galaxy’s largest collection of Prune Face Power of the Force collectible coins. Now that’s sure to get this country’s economy right back on track. Just knowing that all of the Prune Face coins are all concentrated in one spot will allow the federal reserve to rest easy rather than to worry that the coins are scattered all over the globe in old basements, toy chests, buried in backyards, or laying at the bottom of a sewer drain.
What was my point with that whole tangent? That bucket lists are moronic, nay…the idea of making a list for personal motivation is fine but why do we constantly have to buy into people’s lame trendy, phrases? What’s on my bucket list? To find the EXACT PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING MADE UP NAME AND KICK THEIR ASS UNTIL THEY OFFICIALLY RELINQUISH THE NAME AND WRITE A NOTARIZED LETTER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA WARNING JOURNALISTS AND COLUMNISTS NEVER, EEEEVVVVER, TO USE THIS TERM AGAAAAAIIINNN!
“…Where’s the Tylenol?” 
Welcome back folks! 


Perhaps the gift most worthy of mentioning here on The Armpit, just for its sheer appropriateness, was one I gave rather than received. My father and uncle were both recipients of The Sopranos Chianti. If you’re Italian and from Jersey, you are almost certainly a Sopranos fan. Actually, if you are a living, breathing, human with a modicum of

appreciation for good television, then at the very least you should respect the show. You don’t want to see what happens when you disrespect it! 
Even though The Sopranos is gone, it’s spirit can live on in your wine glass during Sunday’s macaroni dinner. It’s pretty much just your basic Chianti, but it’s got an awesome Sopranos sticker on it which makes it fully connected to the show. If the makers of the Sopranos Chianti really wanted to make it something special they would’ve taken a cue from KISS in 1977 when they poured vials of their own blood into the red ink for their first Marvel comic book. All of the actors should’ve donated blood and then we could truly “drink in” the show. I’m messing with you, I obviously don’t have any interest in drinking blood! Well, I guess only if I was allowed to perform a bass solo, spit the blood out all over the place and wag my tongue. That’s 2 KISS mentions in one paragraph! Gene you now owe me $0.03 cents fucker!
My dad went all out this year and found a classic Christmas gift for me. He got me this really sharp Armitron Batman watch:


This watch is a perfect gift for me since I’m a huge bat-fan. Some other Batman watches I’ve seen don’t possess the same quality or look as badass as this one. The watch is reasonably priced on Amazon.
As always, I had a highly enjoyable Christmas and I was treated tremendously. I know I’m getting old when I start saying stuff like “Christmas isn’t about the gifts,” and “I’m just happy to be together with the family.” No, in all seriousness, Fah who-for-aze and all that kind of stuff! I can’t wait ’til next year!

R2D2 is now an Awesome Astromech Aquarium!

I just read about an R2-D2 aquarium on Boing Boing that’s available at Hammacher and Schlemmer. I hope R2 doesn’t forget about the fish he’s storing in his “rusty innards!”

here’s the item summary from Hammacher and Schlemmer:
Modeled after the most well-known astromech droid in the galaxy, this R2-D2 holds a 1 3/4-gallon aquarium tank in his central compartment, ideal for a small freshwater family of goldfish, gouramis, or tetras. The domed head rotates with any vocal command you issue and he utters his familiar “bleeps” from the Star Wars movies. His radar eye houses the eyepiece to a built-in periscope that provides an intimate view of the aquatic activity below, allowing you to watch your charges swim towards the food you’ve dropped in from the dome’s removable feeding door. Includes filter and overhead LED tank lights that randomly morph between red, blue, and green (lights can be disabled). Includes a two-sided waterproofed cardboard insert depicting scenes from the movie as a background.

Atomic Food Containers – Perfect for Leftover Eaters in New Jersey


You know those catalogs that come in the mail that feature every variation of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story? It turns out that the What On Earth catalog is one of them. They also feature a whole lot of other junk you’ll probably never use, but sure looks damn cool while you’re thumbing through the catalog. Doesn’t everyone need a silky Rocky Balboa robe just like the one he walked to the ring in? You can recreate his bout against Clubber Lang only in a much crappier way. Your bed can be the ring and your pillow can be Clubber Lang. (Not that I’ve ever had any experiences similar to that or anything, I’m just saying) I don’t think “boxing buddies” ever existed to compete with “wrestling buddies,” but if they did I would buy up an army of Clubber Lang’s. I like my pillow replicas of boxers to be pretty badass what can I say? He pillows the fool.
After that arduous exhibition bout against Clubber Lang, you’re sure to work up a fierce appetite. Time to make a masculine, easy to prepare, yet satisfying meal such as chili. What should you do with the huge 20 gallon vat of chili sitting on the stove that you don’t want to throw away? Well, if you happen to live in New Jersey then these Atomic Food Containers are perfect to store your leftovers while managing to be tongue in cheek at the same time. How many Tupperware do you own at this second that you can say have a sense of humor? I know for a fact that none of my containers have any personality whatsoever. If you really want to let your wife know that her cooking sucks more than Peg Bundy’s, then these may just be the way to go. Although you might want to present her with them BEFORE the holidays that way you don’t have to experience her “raisin liverwurst surprise upside down cake.”
What On Earth doesn’t sponsor this site, but I thought these were bizarre and appropriate enough to mention regardless. The set of 3 containers feature these labels: Nuclear Waste – Eat and Glow. Biodangerous – Yesterday’s Leftovers. Experimental Meal – Consume at Own Risk.