valentine's day Archives - Sludge Central

Valentine’s Eve Starring Jason Voorhees?

Posted on February 14, 2012 by sexyarmpit

Valentine’s Eve card by spencer_b3

Many people say Valentine’s Day is lame and stupid, but they’re mostly single people. Even though it is a pretty hokey holiday (if you want to call it a holiday), I usually just embrace it as I do most other holidays. If you have even the slightest degree of appreciation for your loved ones, I’m sure you’ve scanned the selection of Valentine’s Day cards at the local grocery or convenience store and found a bunch of generic B.S. That’s why I looked to Zazzle this year. It’s where I found one of the coolest Valentine’s Day cards ever.

*Spoiler Alert – I probably should’ve given this to Miss Sexy Armpit last night, but I hadn’t finished writing the message inside of it yet. Maybe she can act surprised when she opens it! This is a perfect V-day card for horror fanatics out there, especially fans of Friday the 13th! It’s a little late now, but order it for next year and you’ll be prepared. Keep in mind, you won’t find this Happy Valentine’s Eve card in stores. Click over to Zazzle where you can get this card or its graphic on a t-shirt as well.

Most Romantic Moments Heard on my iPod Part 2

Posted on February 14, 2009 by sexyarmpit

Valentine’s Day is one of the cheesiest days of the year. Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives are supposed to be good to their significant others all year round, but for the past oh…let’s say 200 years, thanks to Valentine’s Day, we’re only contractually obligated to be nice once a year. I look at V-day simply as an unecessary occasion where men have to buy overpriced flowers and candy for their lady.

If you love someone, you should profess your love often, and in a variety of different ways. One way is to make a playlist on your lovers iPod or go old school and make them an actual mix CD. For hints on some of the best musical expressions of love, here’s part 2 of the most romantic songs heard on my iPod. If you are a completist and would like to read the first installment, then click here!

I want you, in a vinyl suit, I want you bad
The Offspring – I Want You Bad

I know you’re hungry I can see it in your eyes
She’s lookin at me like I’m a side of fries
I wanna take your chubby ass back to my place
And squirt my baby gravy all over your face
Steel Panther – Fat Girl

She took a lightsaber to my heart
And she picked my brain with a pocket knife
Marvelous 3 – Cold as Hell

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex

I can tell you’re trouble but I’m still obsessed

Because you know you’re so hot, I want to get you alone

So hot, I wanna get you stoned

So hot, I don’t want to be your friend

I want to fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again

Kid Rock – So Hott

She calls and I come runnin’ back, I call, she never calls me back

What’s wrong with me I’m so addicted to you…

and you’re such a dick to me

Lit – Addicted

Don’t come hangin’ around my door

Don’t wanna see your face no more

I don’t need your war machines

I don’t need your ghetto scenes
The Guess Who – American Woman

The plaster’s gettin’ harder and my love is perfection

A token of my love for her collection

…

And my love is the plaster

And yeah, shes the collector

She wants me all the time to inject her

KISS – Plaster Caster

Put your hand in my pocket

Grab onto my rocket
KISS – Take Me

You know I thug ’em, fuck ’em, love ’em, leave ’em

Cause I don’t fuckin’ need ’em
Jay Z – Big Pimpin’

I used to love her, but I had to kill her

I knew I’d miss her

So I had to keep her

She’s buried right in my backyard

Guns N Roses – I Used To Love Her

Girls Don’t Like Boys, Girls Like Cars And Money

Boys Will Laugh At Girls When They’re Not Funny
Good Charlotte – Boys and Girls

Need your love 1,2,3
Stop starin’ at my D cup

Don’t waste time, just give it to me

C’mon baby, just feel me up

The Donnas – Take It Off

Hey! You’re a crazy bitch,

but you fuck so good I’m on top of it.

When I dream I’m doing you all night,

Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.

Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch

You say you’re cried a thousand rivers

And now you’re swimming for the shore

You left me drowning in my tears

And you won’t save me anymore

Bon Jovi – I’ll Be There For You

You let me violate you, You let me desecrate you, You let me penetrate you

…

I want to fuck you like an animal

I want to feel you from the inside

Nine Inch Nails – Closer

She dashed by me in painted on jeans

And all heads turned ’cause she was the dream

In the blink of an eye I knew her number and her name

Ah she said I was the tiger she wanted to tame

Billy Ocean – Carribbean Queen

I hope she’ll say, “Hey me and you should hit the hay!”

I asked her out she said, “No way!”

The Beastie Boys – Girls

One more thing before you go

would you please give me my records back

My Bloody Valentine, The Pixies, Cheap Trick and Back In Black

You can keep the dog we bought but you can’t go near the Standard Bar

Don’t hang around, don’t call my friends, They won’t know who you are!

American Hi-Fi – The Breakup Song

I don’t drink tea

Or white chablis

I sit around and watch tv

Don’t send flowers

Or take showers

But I’ll be there to pull your weeds

Alice Cooper – Fantasy Man

I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank

But lean a little bit closer

See that roses really smell like poo-oo-ooo

Yeah, roses really smell like poo-oo-ooo

Caroline! See she’s the reason for the word “bitch”

I hope she’s speeding on the way to the club

Trying to hurry up to get to some

Baller or singer or somebody like that

And try to put on her makeup in the mirror

And crash, crash, crash.. into a ditch! (Just Playing!)

Outkast – Roses

But it all was bullshit.

It was a goddam joke.

And when I think of you Linda,

I hope you fucking choke.

Adam Sandler – Somebody Kill Me Please

I try to love you but sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass

RATT – I Want a Woman

Curb Feelers: A Story of True Love by Momma Armpit

Posted on February 13, 2009 by sexyarmpit

The following story was actually written by The Sexy Armpit’s Mom! It’s a true story, and I’m posting it “for all you lovers out there.” There are people who get married and divorce a year or 2 later. What they may not realize is that relationships are hard work and if you can put up with the kind of crap my Mom did, then you’ll be OK! Does true love exist? Help us Mommy Armpit, you’re our only hope!

My husband and I will be married 40 years this coming October. When we were first married, we always spoke about how we would try very hard to save money so we could purchase our first home together. Our first anniversary came and we tried our best not to think of the cost of things and shared a romantic dinner in a lovely restaurant. Shortly after that, we purchased our first home, a little townhouse. We were so excited about being homeowners! All we thought of were the different “projects” we would tackle every weekend. We decorated, fixed, and painted, in order to make our home a warm and cozy place.

As our 3rd anniversary approached, we were still changing things around the house, however the focus was on the “newer car” we purchased. It was a black Caprice with wide white-wall tires. (Hey, it was the ’70s!) My husband washed and polished it as often as he could. Saturday afternoons were spent making the car and those beautiful wide white wall tires just shine & glisten! My husband took the train to his office every day, and I was the lucky one to drive the sparkling black car with the w i d e white walls.

Unfortunately, every time I pulled up to the curb to park the car, I scraped the pearly, pristine, white walls. After several months of scrubbing the tires clean, my husband decided that he would buy me the best gift of all time for Valentines Day. I opened the package, which was wrapped in red paper with a big bow, and looked at him and said, “So this is my Valentines Gift? What is it??”

CURB-FEELERS

“Why, they are curb-feelers!” he replied with great enthusiasm. “You must know what they are?” “No,” I said. I have no idea.” “The next time you pull up to the curb to park, you’ll hear them make a sound against the curb so you won’t scuff up the white walls anymore!” my husband expounded gleefully. I’m sure, I was supposed to react differently, but my face dropped to the floor! He really thought this was truly the most practical gift since we were always trying to save a dollar for the next “project” in our love nest, but in my heart I just knew that he would have another gift for me.

The following day, as I returned from work and the curb-feelers were in place, my husband asked, “How did you do today parking the car? How were the curb feelers?” “Oh they are just great honey, don’t know how I managed without them all these months!” As the winter months passed and spring arrived, I somehow forgot about the silly curb-feelers. He was happy every time he washed the car because the white walls weren’t scraped up.

Then, on an average day with no occasion, my husband surprised me by bringing me into the city for a lovely day. We went out to dinner and he even had theater tickets! As I think back on almost 40 years, all the good times and bad times, I think to myself, I should have never gotten so upset over those silly curb feelers. I’m not even sure if they can even be found today…maybe they are still on that beautiful black shiny ’72 Caprice in the sky!

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.13: Paramus on Venkman’s Show in Ghostbusters 2

Posted on November 20, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Let’s join Peter Venkman’s TV show World of the Psychic already in progress…

VENKMAN:

Elaine, now you had another date in mind…

ELAINE:

According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th in the year 2016.

VENKMAN:

Valentine’s Day…bummer. Where’d you get your date Elaine?

ELAINE:

I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn. I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me, he started talking to me, he bought me a drink, and then…I think he must’ve used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that’s where…he told me about the end of the world.

VENKMAN:

…So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus?

ELAINE:

It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room at the Holiday Inn. I can’t be sure about that Peter.

VENKMAN:

Of course not, and that is the whole problem with aliens, you just can’t trust ’em. Occassionally you meet a nice one…Starman, E.T, but usually they turn out to be some kind of big lizard!

Batman Pez Dispensers

Posted on July 6, 2008 by sexyarmpit

Everyone I know seems to be candy crazy. I was never obsessed with sweets and I rarely go on sugar frenzies. Although I must say I do enjoy Reese’s cups, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, and peppermint patties every now and then. I definitely opt for a chocolate bar over a sugary candy like sweet tarts or airheads. I also have a disdain for anything too chewy or with a “gummy” prefix although the gummy raspberries and blackberries with the crunchies on the outside are highly enjoyable.

Throughout my life, Pez weren’t the most accessible candy out there. I couldn’t go to the nearest convenience store and pick up Pez. In my area of N.J they were readily available at toy stores and rarely anywhere else unless it was a holiday. Christmas and Valentine’s day brings Pez out to many stores in full force.

Pez were always a candy that I discovered every few months as a kid. I remember that I would keep my pez dispensers in a mini drawer in my closet. Whenever I broke out all my toys I’d open up my mini drawer and get my Pez paraphenalia ready to rock. In there I had stockpiled unwrapped pez candy that were waiting to be loaded into one of my many dispensers.

You can imagine how odd Pez tasted after a year or two even if they were still wrapped in their original package. I don’t think I realized that they probably went bad after a while. Regardless, I’d load the Pez candy into the Hulk head or the Snoopy head and then start popping them into my mouth like mad. I then realized how stale they were. They were fairly hard, I’m lying…they were break your teeth hard. They were also a bit hollow for some reason. But they still tasted like classic Pez pellets and aside from their stale state, they still had their unmistakable classic Pez flavor. It’s been a long time since I’ve had the actual candy but I still have many of my original dispensers.

Here are the Batman dispensers I’ve gathered throughout the years. They go in order of when I got them. The oldest on the left I got when I was about 8 years old! You can see the changes to the mold and the color modifications. The blue color changes slightly from the 1st dispenser to the 2nd and it’s not just old age, they actually have slightly different blue tones. The first one is probably my favorite because it’s classic but if the last two were combined! Holy Nightmare! The last one’s head sculpt is reminiscent of the comic book Batman. Switching the last dispenser’s navy blue for black would make one heck of a perfect Bat-Pez dispenser!

**After scanning Bat-Blog, I noticed there’s a new set of Batman Pez dispensers that have been released that include Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, and a Batman with a gray body and the same head as the last dispenser pictured here. These are such nice sculpts and are a Bat-fans wet dream!

Most Romantic Moments Heard on my iPod

Posted on February 14, 2008 by sexyarmpit

For Valentines day I bring to you the most romantic moments heard on my iPod. These lyrics may as well be written on little candy hearts. Feel free to use these loving sentiments on your significant other. Love and hearts and stuff…

Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain’t got nothin’ better to do
And I’m bored
Guns N Roses – It’s So Easy

I wont tell your mama if you dont tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
2 live crew – Me So Horny

I’m only seventeen, but I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen
She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me
Winger – Seventeen

I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday – don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag

Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose…When I call, you put ’em all on hold
Weezer – Suzanne

So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater
Warrant – Cherry Pie

I don’t really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch ’cause I already kissed her
One thing that I did to your lady
I put her on the bed and she didn’t say maybe
Ugly Kid Joe – I Hate Everything About You

A couple of sips of this love potion and she’ll be on your lap
so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg
Tone loc – Funky Cold Medina

I love ya baby but all I can think about is Kielbasa sausage,
your butt cheeks is warm, I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.Now get it on!
Tenacious D – Kielbasa

So what if the sex was great, Just a temporary escape
Anorther thing I grew to hate, But now that’s over
SR71 – Right Now

I said, “You can’t have me, I’m too young for you bitch!”
She said, “No you’re not,” then she starts cryin
I says I’m nineteen, she says, “Stop lyin!”I says, “I am, go ask my mother
And with your wrinkled pussy, I can’t be your lover”
Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh – La Di Da Di

The good book says we must suppress
The good book says we must confess
But who cares what the good book says
Cause now shes taking off her dress
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Catholic school girls rule

Shes a killer queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Queen – Killer queen

I knew a girl named Nikki I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine
She said howd u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
Prince – Darling Nikki

I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack
Justin Timberlake – SexyBack

I hate every bone in your body but mine
I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight
Poison – I Hate Every Bone in Your Body but Mine

Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill
Poison – Unskinny Bop

I don’t have no problem with you fucking me
But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me
ODB – Got Your Money

valentine’s day