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The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano

Posted on September 21, 2009 by sexyarmpit

This gives a whole new meaning to her nickname “Snips”

You may find it hard to believe that I DIDN’T find this headless Ahsoka Tano action figure in the Sleepy Hollow Wal-Mart, or even the one on the planet Shili. What other place besides New Jersey would offer up a sight as savage as a plastic statue of Anakin Skywalker’s decapitated little padawan to impressionable young children wandering wide-eyed through the toy aisles with their parents? How does a parent explain this one?

Well, if you were me, and there’s an enormous chance that you’re not, the majority of you with children will NOT reply in this manner, but those with quick wit and a bit of Star Wars swerve will be prepared to shoot back with a killer automatic response: “Well, if you knew anything about Star Wars you little prick, then perhaps you would know that Darth Sidious slashed her head right off her kneck with one swing of his lightsaber.” Then since you’re still in the Star Wars aisle, just for effect, you could pretend you’re Sidious, grab a toy saber, and proceed to swing at your kids neck, in a playful fashion of course. At the end of this dramatization of such a horrific epitaph, you could cap it all off with, “That’s why you need to do your homework.”

“So if I don’t do my homework Darth Sidious is going to chop my head off with a lightsaber, daddy?” “Yes kiddo, that’s exactly what will happen, or he may have Anakin do it for him depending on how his arthritis is that day.” Once you start convincing them that their grandfather is actually Darth Sidious, I think they’ll get the picture.

With merely a few minutes of consultation with the Bat-Computer, and perhaps some fiddling with the Bat-Hyperspectrographic Analyzer, I was able to deduce that this figure was tampered with. On the lower left corner of the card you’ll see a few marks that indicate the bubble was cut. It looked like a bonafide error while I was in the store, but after walking around the entire store with the figure in my shopping cart, I finally realized that this was no error, this action figure’s head was amputated by a father who was out to set a creative example for his kids. Remember to always use The Legend of The Headless Ahsoka Tano story on your kids folks, it always works.

Buried Treasure? X Marks the Spot in New Jersey

Posted on March 19, 2009 by sexyarmpit

“You sound just as corny as Dad does…”

– Brandon Walsh, The Goonies

I grew up watching my father’s favorite classic pirate movies with him, and in turn I would show him my favorite movie ever, The Goonies. Chunk only had old Hanukkah decorations in his attic. Mikey had a shitload of cool pirate stuff that was intended to make it’s way into an Astoria museum. My attic was filled with my sister’s old dolls and a bunch of other household junk that had been banished to the black hole by my mom. If it was up to my Dad, it would have all went straight into the trash. Even though we didn’t have historical stuff from the pirate days, my Dad did bestow upon me something that always made me think he dreamed of going on a Goonie adventure of his own someday. One weekend he brought me to his room and opened the doors of his chest of drawers, lifted up a stack of sweaters and shirts, and pulled out a folded, burnt up paper that was hidden underneath:

My Dad handed me the paper and told me it was “a real treasure map!” If I was any more excited my eyeballs would’ve fallen right out of their sockets like Ragetti’s in Pirates of the Caribbean. I unfolded the old map, careful not to tear the delicate artifact. The map was titled “Treasure Map,” (awesomely appropriate).

The map outlined possible sites where pirates may have buried their treasure, or their ships sunk along the east coast. Luckily for him, my dad didn’t try to convince me that Captain Kidd or Blackbeard sealed this map in one of the walls of our house because the copyright is 1965. I was a little kid, but damn was I perceptive.

My father and I were able to continue enjoying the pirate genre beginning in 2003 thanks to the release of the Pirates of the Caribbean. I saw POTC more than 5 times in the theater and it gave me the same feeling of wonder that opening this map did. It’s amazing that my father got this map as a souvenir on vacation nearly 40 years before we went to the theater to see POTC together. Perhaps he held onto it because it gave him that adventurous feeling that we all have when we’re young. He kept it to hand down to me, and I’ve had it ever since. In essence, I don’t have to go searching because the map is “good enough” treasure for me.

Is your life is in need of some adventure? Maybe this map will assist in your hunt. Here’s a closer look at possible sites where treasure is buried in New Jersey:

On your quest, try to avoid any run-ins with the Fratellis, and don’t tell mom you’re going because I have a date with Andy on Friday, limp lungs!

Curb Feelers: A Story of True Love by Momma Armpit

Posted on February 13, 2009 by sexyarmpit

The following story was actually written by The Sexy Armpit’s Mom! It’s a true story, and I’m posting it “for all you lovers out there.” There are people who get married and divorce a year or 2 later. What they may not realize is that relationships are hard work and if you can put up with the kind of crap my Mom did, then you’ll be OK! Does true love exist? Help us Mommy Armpit, you’re our only hope!

My husband and I will be married 40 years this coming October. When we were first married, we always spoke about how we would try very hard to save money so we could purchase our first home together. Our first anniversary came and we tried our best not to think of the cost of things and shared a romantic dinner in a lovely restaurant. Shortly after that, we purchased our first home, a little townhouse. We were so excited about being homeowners! All we thought of were the different “projects” we would tackle every weekend. We decorated, fixed, and painted, in order to make our home a warm and cozy place.

As our 3rd anniversary approached, we were still changing things around the house, however the focus was on the “newer car” we purchased. It was a black Caprice with wide white-wall tires. (Hey, it was the ’70s!) My husband washed and polished it as often as he could. Saturday afternoons were spent making the car and those beautiful wide white wall tires just shine & glisten! My husband took the train to his office every day, and I was the lucky one to drive the sparkling black car with the w i d e white walls.

Unfortunately, every time I pulled up to the curb to park the car, I scraped the pearly, pristine, white walls. After several months of scrubbing the tires clean, my husband decided that he would buy me the best gift of all time for Valentines Day. I opened the package, which was wrapped in red paper with a big bow, and looked at him and said, “So this is my Valentines Gift? What is it??”

CURB-FEELERS

“Why, they are curb-feelers!” he replied with great enthusiasm. “You must know what they are?” “No,” I said. I have no idea.” “The next time you pull up to the curb to park, you’ll hear them make a sound against the curb so you won’t scuff up the white walls anymore!” my husband expounded gleefully. I’m sure, I was supposed to react differently, but my face dropped to the floor! He really thought this was truly the most practical gift since we were always trying to save a dollar for the next “project” in our love nest, but in my heart I just knew that he would have another gift for me.

The following day, as I returned from work and the curb-feelers were in place, my husband asked, “How did you do today parking the car? How were the curb feelers?” “Oh they are just great honey, don’t know how I managed without them all these months!” As the winter months passed and spring arrived, I somehow forgot about the silly curb-feelers. He was happy every time he washed the car because the white walls weren’t scraped up.

Then, on an average day with no occasion, my husband surprised me by bringing me into the city for a lovely day. We went out to dinner and he even had theater tickets! As I think back on almost 40 years, all the good times and bad times, I think to myself, I should have never gotten so upset over those silly curb feelers. I’m not even sure if they can even be found today…maybe they are still on that beautiful black shiny ’72 Caprice in the sky!