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Nerd Lunch 128: KILL ME NOW!
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A Septic Spiel of Spooky Scares, Super Heroes, and Strange Stories from Miles Beneath the Crud of New Jersey!
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When reflecting on the Halloween season, the act of simply stepping outside and taking in a breath of fresh air could bring a flood of fall memories rushing back into your mind.
One memory that came to my mind was the time I headed down to Great Adventure during Fright Fest when I first got my license. I was actually still on my learner’s permit (shhh, don’t tell anyone). It was probably the first trip I ever took there on my own, so I felt pretty badass. Well, I wasn’t really on my own. I took my “girlfriend” at the time, Beth. At least, she was the equivalent of what teenagers considered a girlfriend at the time. We went to the mall and kissed in public. We thought we were cool. Taking her to Fright Fest though – that was the shit. If you asked me at the time, going there was my ultimate date night. Let’s pretend you’re Chuck Woolery and I’m the contestant on Love Connection. Here’s how the date went.
On the way down the New Jersey Turnpike I had the windows cracked and I remember there being a nice October chill in the air. Just cool enough for a light jacket, but still mild enough not to freeze our asses off. It was the mid ’90s, (I know, I’m old – fuck off) and the only entertainment in my car back then was the radio and a cassette player. Naturally, some people had CD players, but they were lucky bastards. Dopey teenagers hopped up on young love and Mountain Dew didn’t have the means for a CD player in the car, unless they were savvy enough to hook up a DiscMan to their car stereo, an enhancement that was still another year down the road for me. The stations get a little fuzzy as we get further south, so the only thing we had to listen to aside from the drone of the LeBaron and the awkward moments of silence on the 40 minute drive down was the cassette player.
If Beth had it her way she wanted to listen to Hot 97 the whole way down. To appease her and show her that I’m open to all kinds of music, including blazing hip-hop and R&B, we listened to it until Exit 9 and then I was called upon by the Gods of Rock themselves. There was no choice in the matter. It was time for the Holy Grail of mixtapes. THE ULTIMATE KISS MIXTAPE. Sure, back then it was fun to listen to The Misfits, Alice Cooper and White Zombie during October, but there was always something just as fitting about listening to KISS during Halloween time too.
At the time, Beth had absolutely zero clue who KISS was. What was even funnier was that she had less of a clue that the title of one of their biggest songs bared her name. She didn’t care either. She really, really, really didn’t care. Every girl I seemed to like had no interest in the music that I listened to, which made my heart sink to the depth of the murky Arthur Kill. As I shoved the tape into the deck, I vividly remember the tape started playing in the middle of “Got To Choose” from Hotter Than Hell. I can hear that grungy riff and that funky bassline in my mind right now. In fact I’m going to pull it up on my iTunes right now. It’s amazing, this whole technology thing, isn’t it? Ha. You should put it on too (if you have it), to get the full effect of this story!
To a non-KISS fan not only was “Got To Choose” one of the least interesting tracks on my mix tape, but to make matters worse, side one of the cassette always cut off about three quarters into it. Just as soon as my mind is rocking out and vibing to the tune, it clicked off and the awkward silence returned. I knew she wanted Hot 97 on, but I didn’t care. I was being selfish, I felt like it was my turn to really enjoy this drive. It was a cool October night, my favorite time of the year, and we were racing down to Six Flags for one of the most fun things to do in Jersey during Halloween. I was feeling pretty awesome needless to say. I turned the cassette over and popped it back in. “Beth I hear you callin’…”
BLANK. _______. Beth was completely blank when I told her about the KISS song that was playing called, “Beth.” In the back of my mind I thought “Didn’t your father or your uncle tell you about this?” I was shocked that another person wasn’t as obsessed with KISS as I was. I had a hard time remembering that this was the mid-90s, not 1977 mind you.
As we got closer and closer to Exit 7, our conversation began to pick up and I lowered the volume to a reasonable level (except when “Parasite” came on, of course).
On a normal basis she pretty much laughed at everything I said, which gave me a little boost, but truthfully, she just laughed at everything that was remotely amusing in general. I could act like an obnoxious ass and she would just eat it up. I appreciated it because she genuinely found me funny. From there, we started trading anecdotes about our favorite rides in the park. Although both of us had been going down to Great Adventure since we were kids, we both felt the level of excitement building up. We were getting a rush before we even went on any rides.
Our time was running out. By the time we arrived, found parking, walked a mile to the ticket booth, and then bought tickets, we had about 2 hours in the park if we were lucky. And as I said, I didn’t have a CD player in my car so I wasn’t necessarily the luckiest guy in the world. This lack of time definitely weighed on my mind because when it comes to theme parks and vacations I’m like Clark Griswold, always trying to maximize the fun.
Our spirits were so uplifted, among other things, that our dumbasses wasted even more time before actually heading into the park. After the long trek from the car to the entrance, we stopped at one of the planters and parked half of our butts for a minute to take in the night…and of course make out. So dumb, so simple, soo had nothing to do with romance. This was about HALLOWEEN. I wanted the bejesus scared out of me and my endorphins were runnin’ wild. Like I said, high spirits, otherwise HOT 97 and KISS MIXTAPE wouldn’t have been lip locked to each other the whole night as if we were the only two people left on the planet.
What was the attraction with Beth? I wondered to myself as I stood staring a hole through a nearby tree shedding frail pale orange leaves. She was a natural blonde, she had a cute smile with dimples, and had big boobs. At the time, coincidentally, as stereotypical as it sounds, that was all I wanted out of life. What can I say? I was a product of the times. Baywatch was a highly rated show, OK? So, back at Six Flags, Beth and I managed to detach our mouths from each others and we walked briskly inside with a little bounce in our step.
It was dark, breezy, the trees were bare, and Fright Fest was in full effect. Zombies and ghastly characters roamed about trying to scare us. Beth genuinely got scared a few times and grabbed a hold of me, then we just got overly hysterical about it as if we just heard the funniest joke of all time delivered by the most smart mouthed comedian of all time. Despite what many people might think of the lines, the atmosphere takes center stage and it’s easy to forget the rest.
The macabre elements such as the fog, the bloody fountain, and the costumed actors jumping out at you when you least expect it, help to far outweigh any of the typical theme park complaints. Being there is the fun. In fact, Fright Fest is such a part of my Halloween celebration every year that it actually makes me get that nostalgic fuzzy feeling. I didn’t get paid for that so let me get back to my story.
Beth and I went on every ride we possibly could, stopping at any chance we could to hug, hold hands, or take part in some other cheesy public display of affection. It was the spirit of the season that was getting us all charged up. And yes, we even went on the freakin’ ferris wheel. Remember when Mikey from The Goonies said ‘It’s our time down here!” well October is our time and I’ve always felt that way. Just hearing the Misfits lyric “Bonfires Burning Bright, Pumpkin Faces in the Night, I remember Halloween,” DUH, of course I remember! I remember Halloween and all the memories come rushing back every time I walk outside and breath in the fall air or gaze into the colorful fall foliage.
Halloween moments are the most memorable ones in my life. I can’t help but think that each of those moments wouldn’t still resonate today if they took place during any other time of the year. Intertwined in the calm and colorful fall backdrop are so many memories waiting to be conjured up. Be inspired. Go outside, close your eyes, and let yourself recall all that is spooky and sentimental to you.
Many people say Valentine’s Day is lame and stupid, but they’re mostly single people. Even though it is a pretty hokey holiday (if you want to call it a holiday), I usually just embrace it as I do most other holidays. If you have even the slightest degree of appreciation for your loved ones, I’m sure you’ve scanned the selection of Valentine’s Day cards at the local grocery or convenience store and found a bunch of generic B.S. That’s why I looked to Zazzle this year. It’s where I found one of the coolest Valentine’s Day cards ever.
Valentine’s Day is one of the cheesiest days of the year. Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives are supposed to be good to their significant others all year round, but for the past oh…let’s say 200 years, thanks to Valentine’s Day, we’re only contractually obligated to be nice once a year. I look at V-day simply as an unecessary occasion where men have to buy overpriced flowers and candy for their lady.
She took a lightsaber to my heart
And she picked my brain with a pocket knife
Marvelous 3 – Cold as Hell
Don’t come hangin’ around my door
KISS – Plaster Caster
Need your love 1,2,3
Stop starin’ at my D cup
Hey! You’re a crazy bitch,
American Hi-Fi – The Breakup Song
Alice Cooper – Fantasy Man
It’s nearly impossible to keep track of the sizzling love affair between Batman and the Mistress of the Night, Nocturna. Seriously people! In our last post they were just fighting over a Robin costume at a Halloween store! And now these two crazy kids are passionately sucking face on the cover of Detective Comics #556 from way back in November of 1985!
All I know is, if DC Comics ever released one of those Fabio type romance novels, then the cover would be exactly the same as the one on this issue! The cover art is truly fantastic with a very detailed version of the quintiessential ’80s Batman sticking his tongue down this goth bitch Nocturna’s throat. Makes me want to do it too. Good for him. Every guy has a fetish. At the time Batman was into thieving, underhanded goth chicks.
Whoa, wait a minute…was this Detective Comics or an episode of Passions? How does Batman even put up with her absurd rhetoric? Nocturna’s clearly only good for one thing: making out!
An excellent horror movie blogger, Final Girl, has inspired many of us bloggers to write a positive piece about films rather than being negative and ripping a film apart. So as part of the Hey, Internet, Stop Being Such Cynical Effing Douchbags Blog-A-Thon I’ve decided to concentrate on certain movie scenes that I always wish I was in. Some arouse feelings of nostalgia, fantasy, or they just look so damn cool. I’ve always wanted to actually experience these scenes first hand rather than just passively watch them.
In 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Kirk Douglas thinks the Nautilus is a sea creature and is about to throw a harpoon at it. The Nautilus was mysterious and it evoked intensity and suspense. The sub, even though it was an extension of Captain Nemo, seemed to have a life of it’s own. Later on we get to see the lush decor on board and I never thought the inside of a submarine could be this cool.
In the 1966 Batman movie, I was seduced by the idea of having poles to slide down into the bat cave. To have an “instant costume change lever” that was actually labelled with its title would be even more awesome. Shit I just used my basement as a low rent bat cave.
For Valentines day I bring to you the most romantic moments heard on my iPod. These lyrics may as well be written on little candy hearts. Feel free to use these loving sentiments on your significant other. Love and hearts and stuff…
Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain’t got nothin’ better to do
And I’m bored
Guns N Roses – It’s So Easy
I wont tell your mama if you dont tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Wont your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?
2 live crew – Me So Horny
I’m only seventeen, but I’ll show you love like you’ve never seen
She’s only seventeen, daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me
Winger – Seventeen
I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday – don’t say maybe
I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby like you
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag
Even Izzy, Slash and Axl Rose…When I call, you put ’em all on hold
Weezer – Suzanne
So I mixed up the batter, And she licked the beater
Warrant – Cherry Pie
I don’t really care about your sister
Fuck the little bitch ’cause I already kissed her
One thing that I did to your lady
I put her on the bed and she didn’t say maybe
Ugly Kid Joe – I Hate Everything About You
A couple of sips of this love potion and she’ll be on your lap
so I gave some to my dog, when he began to beg
and then he licked his bowl and he looked at me
and did the wild thing on my leg
Tone loc – Funky Cold Medina
I love ya baby but all I can think about is Kielbasa sausage,
your butt cheeks is warm, I check my dipstick, you need lubrication honey,
My kielbasa sausage has just got to perform.Now get it on!
Tenacious D – Kielbasa
So what if the sex was great, Just a temporary escape
Anorther thing I grew to hate, But now that’s over
SR71 – Right Now
I said, “You can’t have me, I’m too young for you bitch!”
She said, “No you’re not,” then she starts cryin
I says I’m nineteen, she says, “Stop lyin!”I says, “I am, go ask my mother
And with your wrinkled pussy, I can’t be your lover”
Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh – La Di Da Di
The good book says we must suppress
The good book says we must confess
But who cares what the good book says
Cause now shes taking off her dress
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Catholic school girls rule
Shes a killer queen
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Queen – Killer queen
I knew a girl named Nikki I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine
She said howd u like 2 waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
Prince – Darling Nikki
I think it’s special… what’s behind your back
So turn around and and I’ll pick up the slack
Justin Timberlake – SexyBack
I hate every bone in your body but mine
I can’t wait till I can hate you tonight
Poison – I Hate Every Bone in Your Body but Mine
Like gasoline you wanna pump me
And leave me when you get your fill
Poison – Unskinny Bop
I don’t have no problem with you fucking me
But I have a little problem wit you not fucking me
ODB – Got Your Money