Just when you thought there was way too many, they decide to create more: Jughandles! They are the opposite of breasts, a natural resource that we can never have enough of. The world can always use more boobies, but when it comes to jughandles, New Jersey has way too many. It’s almost as if the highway designers just want to f*ck with us. It feels as if there’s another jughandle every 50 feet. You know what? I speak to many people who don’t even know what a jughandle is! Read Wikipedia’s entry on them here if you have no idea what they are. Usually people unfamiliar with jughandles are from out of state, and they aren’t completely bombarded by convoluted u-turns and asinine roadways. Today’s tee comes from Great To Be Here, an online store specializing in funny t-shirts for people who are “Passionate about Places.”
Today is New Jersey Day. On this day 223 years ago, New Jersey officially became the 3rd state of the United States. A lot of people have been asking me, Jay, how does one celebrate New Jersey Day? Here’s a few things you can do…
1) Start your day off right, with a greasy sandwich: pork roll egg and cheese on a roll!
2) Fill up your gas tank! Breathe in the fumes and enjoy the fact that you don’t have to lift a finger to pump your gas.
3) Have for some good ‘ol fashioned road rage. Stick your middle finger up proudly. Throw your head out the car window and shout “F*ck You Motherf*cker!” Followed by a barrage of annoying HONKING. Be thankful for living in Jersey because we don’t get fined or ticketed for honking our horns like in New York City.
4) Get in front of a mirror and continue to practice your impression of Silvio Dante (Little Steven) from in The Sopranos.
5) Flick through the channels to see what’s on TV. Forget 57 channels and there’s nothing on…more like 857 channels and nothing on!
6) Marvel at the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has horned his way into the White House.
7) Go back into the Sexy Armpit archives and pick an old post that haven’t read. I will write you and I.O.U. Or, take a look at one of the many entries of NJ T-Shirt Tuesday and buy a tee to wear NEXT year on NJ Day!
8) Take a trip down to Atlantic City and gaze at tons and tons of people pissing their money away. Don’t believe the stories for a second that nobody is going to A.C. Where there’s a vice there’s people and New Jersey has an overabundance of both.
9) Go to the mall, our sales tax is a little bit cheaper, but our people are still a-holes. As you drive there you’ll have a lot of time to reflect on life because, chances are, on any one of our fabulous roads or highways you’ll probably be sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic. Once in the parking lot, you will get into a fight for a spot. Then, inside the mall, people will walk into you because they don’t pay attention. Don’t even mention those annoying kiosk people. No, I don’t want you to slather your exotic facial cream culled from the dead sea onto my face in the middle of the mall. Get out of my face!
10) Pretend you’re DJ Pauly D and crank up your iPod! We have plenty of offerings for today. From Old Blue Eyes to Bon Jovi, and The Four Seasons to The Fugees and Springsteen to The Smithereens there’s an endless array of artists who have spawned from The Garden State.
It was to be expected. New Jersey strives to make the top 5 of lists like this year after year. Coming in 2nd place in GMAC’s Worst Drivers in America report, is a loss in our eyes. We didn’t invent road rage to be in a crappy 2nd place.
Why do cable networks continue to create shows based in NJ about salons and guidos when they so should be creating a quality program about what Jersey people are clearly superior at, being shitty drivers! NJ came in 2nd behind New York on GMAC’s report, one that doesn’t exactly measure how many accidents or violations we’ve had, but merely a survey of driving knowledge. The website WalletPop cites from the study that “nearly 1 in 5 licensed drivers — roughly 38 million Americans — would not pass a written drivers test exam if taken today.” So, before the rest of you go getting all braggadocios, it’s not just us Tri-State area folks who are complete maniacs on the road!
When We Were Beautiful sounds like a coffee table book featuring photographs comparing and contrasting female senior citizens with glamorous photos of them from 50 years earlier. When I first heard that Phil Griffin ‘s Bon Jovi documentary, that recently premiered at the Tribeca film festival, and the upcoming book with the same name (slated for Fall ’09 through Harper Collins), was to be called “When We Were Beautiful,” I seriously almost puked.
In case the folks at Harper Collins read this, here are a few of my top choices for new titles for the book:
1) When We Were Ballsier
2) Back When We Had Some Degree of BALLS!
3) When We Were a Band Who Wouldn’t Ever in a Million Years Think of Releasing a Book With a Name as Ghey as “When We Were Beautiful”
4) This Left Never Felt Right in Any Way Shape or Form, You Know What, As a Matter of Fact, Just Stop Making Turns Altogether!
Combining such a weak book title with albums like Lost Highway, Bon Jovi has certified that the band they were in the ’80s has officially been put to rest. I’m constantly hoping, secretly of course, that Bon Jovi will finally return to their rock roots and unleash an album for guys. Songs like “Wanted Dead or Alive” and “You Give Love a Bad Name” are songs that guys could rock out to because they’re bold and written from a guys point of view.
Age 4 through age 9, I prided myself on being a Bon Jovi fan, along with other rock bands like KISS, Motley, GNR and Poison. It was OK to like Bon Jovi even if you were a guy, in fact, being from Jersey even gave you street cred by association. For the past 15 years or so, that hasn’t been the case, even though Bon Jovi has enjoyed continued success from hit singles to blockbuster tours. Unfortunately, now, all they do is coddle their 40-something female fans dying to jump some Jovi ass. Sometime around 1992, every guy who liked Bon Jovi started to get persecuted for being a fan. Some blame the onslaught of Grunge, but after years of contemplation, I could tell you that Jon Bon Jovi is to blame for the whole problem.
If Jon Bon Jovi was born just a little bit uglier, oh say…more Lemmy looking, we MALE Jovi fans would have our freakin’ Jersey ROCK back. Once JBJ realized that the key to his goldmine was singing songs to wives, fiances, daughters, and girlfriends all around the world, his musical mission became melting hearts and not our faces. Dude’s 47 and women still have coronaries when he hits the stage. Dude does spirit fingers and women go into cardiac arrest. Important tip for guys: don’t do spirit fingers…ever…it won’t work for you. Unless you’ve sold 120 million albums worldwide and have appeared on Oprah, girls will not like it if you do spirit fingers. Dude kisses random women in the audience while their husbands stand beside them, faces glowing with a shit-eating grin. How many guys’ wives can you go up to, grasp their arms, and plant a nice big kiss on without their psycho hubby’s attempting manslaughter on you? Jon Bon Jovi can do that kind of shit.
Picture it: The summer is here. You’re cruising around town in your newly washed car. The light turns red, you have to stop. Your music is blasting, but wait! Oh shit! Your windows are down! You can’t let anyone hear what’s playing on your stereo! Don’t get nervous, you need not worry. Just load this playlist onto your iPod and you’ll be fine. While I can’t guarantee you won’t get made fun of for listening to Bon Jovi, you’ll definitely have less of a chance of being accused of having a vagina by the guy in the monster truck blasting Slayer’s “Angel of Death.” Don’t be afraid to crank up your car stereo because listening to Bon Jovi does not have to be an emasculating experience. – The Sexy Armpit: Helping to Keep the Jovi schmaltz to a minimum.
15) King of the Mountain, 7800 Fahrenheit (1985) – This chest pounder will make you feel like you’re on top of the world. “Boss man says, ‘Hey boy, you’ll never be no good’…Tonight’s the night they can’t put you down, no one could.”
14) Hook Me Up, Bounce (2002) – It’s ridiculous that I’m writing a post about Bon Jovi veering too far away from their hard rock roots while critics ravaged Jovi’s half-hearted hard rock comeback album, Bounce. “Hook Me Up” opens with the line “Hello, is there anybody out there?” Not only is this similar to the line that kicks off “We Got It Goin’ On,” from Lost Highway, “Is there anybody out there looking for a party,” but also reminiscent of when Bruce Springsteen begs the question of his listeners “This is Radio Nowhere, is there anybody alive out there?” in the first track of his ’07 album, Magic. The underrated “Hook Me Up,” has a bleak, foreboding quality rarely heard in Jovi songs.
13) Blood on Blood, New Jersey (1988) – By far this is the “Bruciest” Bon Jovi song ever. In the vein of Springsteen and other Jovi songs, “Blood on Blood” tells a story using names and places: “Danny knew this white trash girl, we each threw in a ten, she took us to this cheap motel, and turned us into men.”
12) We Rule the Night, 100,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong (2004) – Thanks to it’s menacing swirl of rising and falling guitar sounds and trancelike drum beats, this reject from ’85 is easily one of the coolest finds on Bon Jovi’s box set of unreleased material, demos, and alternate cuts. The lyrics make the song sound like it could have been on the soundtrack to The Lost Boys or The Warriors: “No one can save you, there’s nothing to say, Deception’s the name of the game” The “Whoa-Oh’s” sound like the precursor to those in “Livin’ On a Prayer.”
11) I Believe, Keep The Faith, (1992) Bon Jovi used to incorporate this song into their concert set lists but has rarely been performed as of late. It’s one of their most hard rocking songs that rises to immense proportions. Lyrically, “You and Me Can Turn a Whisper To a Scream” recalls the title of The Icicle Works’ hit “Birds Fly (Whisper to a Scream).”
10) Breakout, Bon Jovi (1984) Back in the day, Bon Jovi wrote songs that were all about being lied to and getting fed up with the deceptive hoebags that they were dating: “Your lies can’t hide what I see, I’m better off on my own.” The band’s mega success and bagging chicks like Diane Lane and Heather Locklear seemed to have squelched their scornful sentiments rather quickly.
9) Social Disease, Slippery When Wet (1986) – “You can’t start a fire without a spark” was ripped straight from Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark” and as eloquent as it is, “She could run the bullet train on 38 Double D’s” sure as hell wasn’t. “Social Disease” is a fun and lively romp about love, sex, and maybe even a PSA about STD’s: “You cant hide when infection starts…”
8) If I Was Your Mother, Keep The Faith (1992) – Possibly the oddest, most f’d up Bon Jovi song ever. If you don’t listen closely you might miss the pussified lyrics because they’re smothered by crunching rhythms and blistering guitars. BJ wonders “Tell me what I got to do, To make my life mean more to you, I could get so close it’s true, If I was your mother.” There are various rumors as to what the message to this song really is, but it just seems to me that Jon’s singing about seeking a deeper, more elusive connection with a woman. Or maybe he’s just being a pansy.
7) Hey God, These Days (1995) – An average guy with a family asks God why he’s making life so tough for him. The music kicks into a tornado of desperation while the lyrics describe family problems, and financial troubles: “Hey God – Tell me what the hell is going on, Seems like all the good shit’s gone” The most awesome aspect of this song is that Bon Jovi can still write songs from the perspective of the regular guy and still make them sound relatable, even though the band is worth millions.
6) In and Out of Love, 7800 Fahrenheit (1985) – I like blasting this one, and I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for a good sexual euphemism. Like Jane Lynch motioning perversly with her bagel dog in Role Models, “Shes here to make my night complete.”
5) 99 In The Shade, New Jersey (1988) in the category of carefree summer songs this one wipes the floor with Lost Highway’s “Summertime.” Remember when the band was young and had fun getting into some trouble and had trouble getting out of their spandex pants? Lines like “I got a party in my pocket cause you know I just got paid,” indicated that the possibilities were limitless. The perfect song for looking at girls in bikinis on a sunny day at the Jersey Shore. In comparison, “Summertime” is reserved for the folks relaxing in their retirement community.
4) You Give Love a Bad Name, Slippery When Wet (1986) Just as he is in “Breakout,” Jon is all tied up in those metaphorical chains again in this Jovi classic. I heeded their warning back in ’86, girls promise you heaven, then put you through hell.
3) Wanted Dead or Alive, Slippery When Wet (1986) No other band or singer should ever think of covering the ULTIMATE Bon Jovi song, Chris Daughtry, this means YOU!
2) Roulette, Bon Jovi (1984) – The purest example of what Bon Jovi did best. The driving bassline is accentuated with a gambling analogy. Apparently, banging a woman who’s in a relationship is comparable to placing bets on a roulette wheel. I’m placing all my money on the fact that she’s actually a cheating whore. “You just keep on playin’ when all the bets are down”
1) Raise Your Hands, Slippery When Wet (1986) – No, it’s not the old Sure Deodorant commercial, it’s the most kickass Bon Jovi song EVER MADE, just ask Lone Star and Barf. They had to buy new speakers for the space winnebago after cranking this one. If the heroes of Spaceballs can rock out to it, then it’s good enough for you to BLAST in your super silly smart car. Fun fact from New Jersey to Tokyo: As the song fades out, listen closely for the shout out to Jon’s hometown of Sayreville, NJ.
My iPod picked out quite an awesome set of music for me during my morning commute to work today. This shuffle leans heavily on rock and manages to slide in some ’80s classics as well.
1) Try it Again – The Hives
2) Undone – Weezer
3) Shockwave – Black Tide
4) Back to Paradise – .38 Special
5) New Girl Now – Honeymoon Suite
6) Hot Girls in Good Moods – Butch Walker & The Let’s Go Out Tonites
7) Getting Away with Murder – Papa Roach
8) I Want You – Kiss
9) Fallen Angel – Poison
10) Now is the Time – Damone
11) Rockaway Beach – The Ramones
12) Guitar – Prince
Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:
“This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!“
Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:
“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”
“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!“
“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”
“I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”
Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:
“how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?“
“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”
Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.
In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.
** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.