Jon Bon Jovi Does Not Work For Me

Surprisingly “Work For The Working Man” sucks only a little bit less than the rest of the tracks on Bon Jovi’s latest effort The Circle. The second I heard this blah medium paced rocker previous to it’s release in late 2009, it’s lyrics struck me as ironic coming from an obscenely wealthy music icon. I’m a working man and Jon Bon Jovi sure as hell doesn’t work for me, otherwise he’d still be recording songs that make me jump out of my chair and play air guitar in front of my mirror.
Jon Bon Jovi’s limp songwriting as of late is partly because in the past several years he’s been too concerned with being an entrepreneur and hosting political galas to be a real rock star. Why concentrate on writing kickass songs when there’s hobnobbing to do, hands to shake, pockets to fill, and horned up wives to flirt with? Rock stars always boast that there’s no better job in the world than to play their music in front of crowds on a nightly basis. Sure, being a successful musician or rock star is lucrative, and as you know, offers a lot of tremendous fringe benefits. So why is this guy singing about losing his pension and having to work 2 jobs just to get by?
Jon Bon Jovi’s net worth is estimated to be in the same range of the number of records his band has sold: 100 million. Listening to Jon sing lyrics that question “Who’s gonna work for the working man?” is ridiculous. Jon brazenly announces that he’s “here trying to make a living” in the first line of the song. It’s a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but really just a futile attempt at appealing to the hard working average middle class citizen – the very group of people responsible for igniting the band to fame in early ’80s New Jersey. Most of them aren’t rock stars, but some did take a crack at it after seeing him make it big. Where are they now? Probably looking to be interviewed by The Sexy Armpit.
Jon Bon Jovi may have grown up in middle class suburban Sayreville, New Jersey, but it wasn’t very long before Bon Jovi’s hit records started making them millions. Oh, the woes of having a family and trying to make ends meet on a one hundred million dollar budget! I know Jon, it must be a real challenge to get those utility bills paid at the end of the month when dealing with such a meager salary. I hear the Bon Jovi clan may even have to skip Christmas this year. You know, sometimes I have $9 dollars left in my account when I’m done paying bills? Look out, airing on E! Network soon, Jay’s True New Jersey Story
Talk about Captain Crash, more like Captain Obvious! Themes such as the economy, unemployment lines, and government involvement are as easily detectable in the song as the moments in concert when Jon’s about to twinkle his spirit fingers. You can see them coming from 7800 miles away. The song’s clunky title, awkward chorus, and political theme fail to unite with the run of the mill Jovi musical background. Which reminds me about an old story. Once upon a time…not so long ago, Bon Jovi sang a song about a working class couple. Although “Work” shares a similar chugging musical intro that recalls their signature song “Livin’ On A Prayer,” their hopes to evoke the same emotions as “Prayer” has for the last 25 years were squashed.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugrual Address in 1961 included his famous call to action “…ask what you can do for your country.” Essentially, Jon lyrics stand behind Americans who work their asses off every day and are still getting screwed. Now it’s the governments turn to help the people out a little bit, and no matter your political beliefs, that’s not a bad idea that Jon has. The bigger issue here is why he and his guitar slinger Richie Sambora couldn’t turn these passionate sentiments into a huge walloping rock song with an indelible chorus that doesn’t merely ask a question, but instead commands results. Rock music needs to resist and challenge the status quo, but unfortunately Bon Jovi’s “Work” output is too sluggish to be taken seriously.

Slippery When Wet’s 25th Anniversary

PhotobucketMany readers of The Sexy Armpit who don’t know me in real life think I’m always bashing Bon Jovi…and I am. The thing is, I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan at the same time. You see, Bon Jovi is not the same band as they were when I was growing up. The cool rock stars from a few miles down the road who lived and breathed rock and roll are long gone. I guess sitting on billions of dollars sucked all the coolness and rock and roll out of them too. The guys hungry for stardom who worked with famed songwriter Desmond Child in Richie Sambora’s basement once upon a time creating what would become one of the most iconic rock albums of all time have taken a wrong turn on the road to rock.

I want none of this “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” crap or this “(You Want to) Make a Memory” bullshit. The modern Bon Jovi completely ignores the hard edged pop rock they once produced because they believe it isn’t lucrative anymore. Let’s be honest – I think Bon Jovi would become even more popular than they ever were if they released a really kickass hard rock song with a catchy chorus like they used to do back in the ’80s. People worship those songs. Do you really think people hanging out in bars 20 years from now are going to be sliding dollar bills into a space age jukebox to hear “When We Were Beautiful?” F-ck no. They want to hear the good stuff!

It’s simple, if you want to relive some of Bon Jovi’s greatest musical achievements then go into your iTunes and listen to their 1986 album Slippery When Wet in it’s entirety. It’s one of the greatest rock albums of all time and it’s sold 28 million copies worldwide. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, respect must be given to this album for it’s prominence in pop culture. Go to a wedding, a beach bar, a barbecue, or sporting event and chances are you will hear a song from Slippery When Wet. You know them whether you like to admit it or not, here we go: “Wanted Dead or Alive,” “You Give Love a Bad Name,” “Never Say Goodbye,” and of course the song that’s almost as popular with drunk women as Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” – “Livin’ On a Prayer.” Oh and I can’t forget one of my personal favorites, a song I share fondness for with Barf from Spaceballs, “Raise Your Hands.”

And now, easily one of Bon Jovi’s greatest tracks:


Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 67


It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”


All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:

5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!

4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.


3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.

2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)

1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.

Ad Jerseum 8: Dear Philly

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!


Dear Philadelphia,

While on a recent NJ Transit train coming back from Penn Station in New York, I noticed this snarky little tourism ad in a poster case at one of the platforms. At first I grew a little defensive (“eh-oh…oh-eh” oh wait, that was Brooklyn) but then I realized to myself, “Hey self, this ad is pretty damn effective!” But don’t think for a second that it makes me want to run out to my car and drive to Philadelphia. The rest of this letter is left in your hands. I’ll lay it out nice and simple – you’ve got two options. There’s the truth, or there is nothing but outright lies.
I DON’T hate Philly. How can anyone possibly hate Philly? It’s the greatest city in the world! I can’t think of a better place to travel than the city where Rocky Balboa hails from. Do you know how many goofy pictures wives take of their husbands running up those stairs?!?! Forget that, what about the good eats? Philly offers one of the most healthy sandwich options, the cheesesteak, which easily puts that doucher Jared and his beloved Subway to shame. Think of all the weight you can lose if you only eat cheesesteaks everyday! And finally, Philly is home to the most famous crack in the world, perhaps even more well known than the butt crack, the crack on the Liberty Bell! Where else would one go to get their fill of brotherly love? Or SOUL? The Philadelphia Soul that is! Everyone knows arena football rocks compared to that second rate sport, REAL football. Walt Whitman bridge, here I come!
I’m definitely not one of those Jerseyans who hates Philadelphia, but I do have my reservations about it. When I was a kid, aside from it’s historical aspect, all I knew of Philly is that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air grew up in West Philadelphia where he chilled, maxed and relaxed (all cool), and shot some b-ball outside of the school. Oh, and there was that song by New Jersey’s icon Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia,”from the film Philadelphia. Bruce singing about Philly didn’t bother me as much as the fact that so many people from South Jersey root for Philly teams. When I notice Jersey people getting hardcore for the Eagles, Phillies, and the Flyers, it makes my skin crawl. There’s so many bars in South and the Western side Jersey that are fully adorned with Eagles paraphenalia, and Philly teams are simply considered “the home team.” Add that to the terrible Pennsylvania accent that many South Jersey people have adopted and you can stop wondering why I do not visit Philly.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows, but who cares, FLIP YOU PHILADELPHIA! And water ice? What the hell is that all about? It’s Italian ice! F-ck off water ice! Nobody cares about you, you don’t even exist to me. You were made up so Philly can brag about having something tasty to eat besides grizzly, artery clogging cheesesteaks. And Jon Bon Jovi’s Soul charity only helps less fortunate families in Philly because he wouldn’t last a second walking around with a film crew kissing his ass in Paterson or Camden NJ.
While creative and offbeat, this ad is merely a feeble attempt at conning Jerseyans into visiting Philly! OK, maybe some of the folks in this state aren’t the brightest in the bunch, but you think using familiar terms like “yous” is going to entice the guidos to hit up all the clubs in Philly? What would they do there? Philly is no place for fist pumpers. Why would you even want them there anyway?


The Sexy Armpit

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 13: Bon Jovi at Giants Stadium 1989


No joke: This shirt was $199 bucks on eBay. The auction offered free shipping though, as if that was any incentive to buy a 20 year old, used t-shirt.

Internet, oh Internet, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! 1) you make it easier to pay my bills 2) you provide me with an occasionally biased, poorly edited, publicly written encyclopedia that has become the Britannica of the modern age. 3) you’ve made it so simple to find pornography at little or no cost to millions of men around the world (and excessively horny women…you know who you are!) 4) Where would we be without social networking sites? Actually speaking to each other on the phone, or better yet interacting with someone IN PERSON? OK, so the Internet is a blessing, but it’s also a curse because now we rely on it like a drug.

Above all of the aforementioned reasons why I love the Internet, the reason I love most is that we can find cool shit that isn’t for sale in any store, not even a thrift store or a flea market. You see, there are just some things that no one in their right mind would actually sell to you in person. That is where the Internet comes in. Places like eBay, Craigslist, and other auction sites have afforded us the opportunity to buy entire series bootlegs of TV shows that will never have even a minute chance of getting an official release. The Internet, and Google has opened up doors for us that lead to toys from our childhood that mysteriously disappeared from our den when we were young, only for us to find out that our father’s got rid of them so we can grow up and become men. You want Castle Grayskull mint in box? eBay! How the f-ck does someone still have that, you ask? Well, I have no idea because I ask myself that same question.

Where do our old hand-me-downs wind up? Remember that Kiss Animalize tour shirt you wore constantly back in ’84? Well, you can buy it on eBay for upwards of $200! Who would spend that kind of scratch on an old ratty, smelly, shirt that’s probably been soaked in someone elses beer puke once or twice? There’s someone out there who will, I guarantee it! Would you spend it on that Bon Jovi t-shirt that you had from their homecoming concert at Giants Stadium back in June of ’89? Even if it was a special shirt produced and sold that night only?

Even at their height of success, Bon Jovi was never known to have the best concert t-shirts. Proving that statement is the Jovi tee pictured above, created for their ’89 concert in East Rutherford. The graphic on the front of the shirt begs to be discussed. The first noticeable flaw is that Jon Bon Jovi is clearly not “Giant-Man: the all Mighty and Powerful Rock God.” It’s not humanly possible that all 5 foot 5 of Jon Francis could dwarf Giants Stadium! C’mon people! Whoever drew this must’ve been mistakenly drawing Jon Mikl Thor in Rock and Roll Nightmare, because Jon Bon Jovi is not that Herculean. I also had no idea Jon was the Intercontinental Champion, either that or he’s wearing a gold encrusted chastity belt. Dear Jon Bon Jovi, The Sexy Armpit wishes you good luck in defending rock and roll in East Rutherford, New Jersey from all the evil creatures attempting to stop you from playing your concert.

For more vintage, overpriced concert tees check out Power Seller “stormcrow-vintage.”

15 Bon Jovi Songs That Won’t Turn You Into a Pussy


When We Were Beautiful sounds like a coffee table book featuring photographs comparing and contrasting female senior citizens with glamorous photos of them from 50 years earlier. When I first heard that Phil Griffin ‘s Bon Jovi documentary, that recently premiered at the Tribeca film festival, and the upcoming book with the same name (slated for Fall ’09 through Harper Collins), was to be called “When We Were Beautiful,” I seriously almost puked.

In case the folks at Harper Collins read this, here are a few of my top choices for new titles for the book:

1) When We Were Ballsier
2) Back When We Had Some Degree of BALLS!
3) When We Were a Band Who Wouldn’t Ever in a Million Years Think of Releasing a Book With a Name as Ghey as “When We Were Beautiful”
4) This Left Never Felt Right in Any Way Shape or Form, You Know What, As a Matter of Fact, Just Stop Making Turns Altogether!

Combining such a weak book title with albums like Lost Highway, Bon Jovi has certified that the band they were in the ’80s has officially been put to rest. I’m constantly hoping, secretly of course, that Bon Jovi will finally return to their rock roots and unleash an album for guys. Songs like “Wanted Dead or Alive” and “You Give Love a Bad Name” are songs that guys could rock out to because they’re bold and written from a guys point of view.

Age 4 through age 9, I prided myself on being a Bon Jovi fan, along with other rock bands like KISS, Motley, GNR and Poison. It was OK to like Bon Jovi even if you were a guy, in fact, being from Jersey even gave you street cred by association. For the past 15 years or so, that hasn’t been the case, even though Bon Jovi has enjoyed continued success from hit singles to blockbuster tours. Unfortunately, now, all they do is coddle their 40-something female fans dying to jump some Jovi ass. Sometime around 1992, every guy who liked Bon Jovi started to get persecuted for being a fan. Some blame the onslaught of Grunge, but after years of contemplation, I could tell you that Jon Bon Jovi is to blame for the whole problem.

If Jon Bon Jovi was born just a little bit uglier, oh say…more Lemmy looking, we MALE Jovi fans would have our freakin’ Jersey ROCK back. Once JBJ realized that the key to his goldmine was singing songs to wives, fiances, daughters, and girlfriends all around the world, his musical mission became melting hearts and not our faces. Dude’s 47 and women still have coronaries when he hits the stage. Dude does spirit fingers and women go into cardiac arrest. Important tip for guys: don’t do spirit fingers…ever…it won’t work for you. Unless you’ve sold 120 million albums worldwide and have appeared on Oprah, girls will not like it if you do spirit fingers. Dude kisses random women in the audience while their husbands stand beside them, faces glowing with a shit-eating grin. How many guys’ wives can you go up to, grasp their arms, and plant a nice big kiss on without their psycho hubby’s attempting manslaughter on you? Jon Bon Jovi can do that kind of shit.

Picture it: The summer is here. You’re cruising around town in your newly washed car. The light turns red, you have to stop. Your music is blasting, but wait! Oh shit! Your windows are down! You can’t let anyone hear what’s playing on your stereo! Don’t get nervous, you need not worry. Just load this playlist onto your iPod and you’ll be fine. While I can’t guarantee you won’t get made fun of for listening to Bon Jovi, you’ll definitely have less of a chance of being accused of having a vagina by the guy in the monster truck blasting Slayer’s “Angel of Death.” Don’t be afraid to crank up your car stereo because listening to Bon Jovi does not have to be an emasculating experience. – The Sexy Armpit: Helping to Keep the Jovi schmaltz to a minimum.

Click here to check out this playlist on iTunes!

15) King of the Mountain, 7800 Fahrenheit (1985) – This chest pounder will make you feel like you’re on top of the world. “Boss man says, ‘Hey boy, you’ll never be no good’…Tonight’s the night they can’t put you down, no one could.”

14) Hook Me Up, Bounce (2002) – It’s ridiculous that I’m writing a post about Bon Jovi veering too far away from their hard rock roots while critics ravaged Jovi’s half-hearted hard rock comeback album, Bounce. “Hook Me Up” opens with the line “Hello, is there anybody out there?” Not only is this similar to the line that kicks off “We Got It Goin’ On,” from Lost Highway, “Is there anybody out there looking for a party,” but also reminiscent of when Bruce Springsteen begs the question of his listeners “This is Radio Nowhere, is there anybody alive out there?” in the first track of his ’07 album, Magic. The underrated “Hook Me Up,” has a bleak, foreboding quality rarely heard in Jovi songs.

13) Blood on Blood, New Jersey (1988) – By far this is the “Bruciest” Bon Jovi song ever. In the vein of Springsteen and other Jovi songs, “Blood on Blood” tells a story using names and places: “Danny knew this white trash girl, we each threw in a ten, she took us to this cheap motel, and turned us into men.”

12) We Rule the Night, 100,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong (2004) – Thanks to it’s menacing swirl of rising and falling guitar sounds and trancelike drum beats, this reject from ’85 is easily one of the coolest finds on Bon Jovi’s box set of unreleased material, demos, and alternate cuts. The lyrics make the song sound like it could have been on the soundtrack to The Lost Boys or The Warriors: “No one can save you, there’s nothing to say, Deception’s the name of the game” The “Whoa-Oh’s” sound like the precursor to those in “Livin’ On a Prayer.”

11) I Believe, Keep The Faith, (1992) Bon Jovi used to incorporate this song into their concert set lists but has rarely been performed as of late. It’s one of their most hard rocking songs that rises to immense proportions. Lyrically, “You and Me Can Turn a Whisper To a Scream” recalls the title of The Icicle Works’ hit “Birds Fly (Whisper to a Scream).”

10) Breakout, Bon Jovi (1984) Back in the day, Bon Jovi wrote songs that were all about being lied to and getting fed up with the deceptive hoebags that they were dating: “Your lies can’t hide what I see, I’m better off on my own.” The band’s mega success and bagging chicks like Diane Lane and Heather Locklear seemed to have squelched their scornful sentiments rather quickly.

9) Social Disease, Slippery When Wet (1986) – “You can’t start a fire without a spark” was ripped straight from Springsteen’s “Dancing in the Dark” and as eloquent as it is, “She could run the bullet train on 38 Double D’s” sure as hell wasn’t. “Social Disease” is a fun and lively romp about love, sex, and maybe even a PSA about STD’s: “You cant hide when infection starts…”

8) If I Was Your Mother, Keep The Faith (1992) – Possibly the oddest, most f’d up Bon Jovi song ever. If you don’t listen closely you might miss the pussified lyrics because they’re smothered by crunching rhythms and blistering guitars. BJ wonders “Tell me what I got to do, To make my life mean more to you, I could get so close it’s true, If I was your mother.” There are various rumors as to what the message to this song really is, but it just seems to me that Jon’s singing about seeking a deeper, more elusive connection with a woman. Or maybe he’s just being a pansy.

7) Hey God, These Days (1995) – An average guy with a family asks God why he’s making life so tough for him. The music kicks into a tornado of desperation while the lyrics describe family problems, and financial troubles: “Hey God – Tell me what the hell is going on, Seems like all the good shit’s gone” The most awesome aspect of this song is that Bon Jovi can still write songs from the perspective of the regular guy and still make them sound relatable, even though the band is worth millions.

6) In and Out of Love, 7800 Fahrenheit (1985) – I like blasting this one, and I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for a good sexual euphemism. Like Jane Lynch motioning perversly with her bagel dog in Role Models, “Shes here to make my night complete.”

5) 99 In The Shade, New Jersey (1988) in the category of carefree summer songs this one wipes the floor with Lost Highway’s “Summertime.” Remember when the band was young and had fun getting into some trouble and had trouble getting out of their spandex pants? Lines like “I got a party in my pocket cause you know I just got paid,” indicated that the possibilities were limitless. The perfect song for looking at girls in bikinis on a sunny day at the Jersey Shore. In comparison, “Summertime” is reserved for the folks relaxing in their retirement community.

4) You Give Love a Bad Name, Slippery When Wet (1986) Just as he is in “Breakout,” Jon is all tied up in those metaphorical chains again in this Jovi classic. I heeded their warning back in ’86, girls promise you heaven, then put you through hell.

3) Wanted Dead or Alive, Slippery When Wet (1986) No other band or singer should ever think of covering the ULTIMATE Bon Jovi song, Chris Daughtry, this means YOU!

2) Roulette, Bon Jovi (1984) – The purest example of what Bon Jovi did best. The driving bassline is accentuated with a gambling analogy. Apparently, banging a woman who’s in a relationship is comparable to placing bets on a roulette wheel. I’m placing all my money on the fact that she’s actually a cheating whore. “You just keep on playin’ when all the bets are down”

1) Raise Your Hands, Slippery When Wet (1986) – No, it’s not the old Sure Deodorant commercial, it’s the most kickass Bon Jovi song EVER MADE, just ask Lone Star and Barf. They had to buy new speakers for the space winnebago after cranking this one. If the heroes of Spaceballs can rock out to it, then it’s good enough for you to BLAST in your super silly smart car. Fun fact from New Jersey to Tokyo: As the song fades out, listen closely for the shout out to Jon’s hometown of Sayreville, NJ.

Lifestyles of the Rich in New Jersey

I bet there’s tons of people around the country who had no idea that New Jersey was home to so many celebrities. The majority of these celebs own gratuitously huge dwellings that sit on endless amounts of land. I immediately began wondering where I can creepily view Spytech style aerial shots of these celebrity homes? And whammo! Just the other day my boss at work pointed me to a cool time wasting site called Virtual Globetrotting which searches all 50 states for satellite views of celebrity homes and various other POI’s. To look up your state, click here. Now, let me show you just some of the pretentious homes that belong to the stars that reside in The Sexy Armpit a.k.a NJ:

Chris Rock, Alpine NJ

Jon Bon Jovi, Red Bank NJ

Eddie Murphy Englewood, NJ

Bruce Springsteen, Rumson NJ

Mark Ecko, Bernardsville NJ

Joe Piscopo, Califon NJ
Perhaps NJ ain’t so scuzzy after all, huh?

Why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior!

Boy did I despise high school and everything about it. I wasn’t quite the outcast that Eddie Weinbauer was (played by Marc Price so brilliantly in Trick or Treat) but in my mind that’s exactly who I would’ve rather been than one of the popular kids or the overachievers. Outcasts aren’t usually the ones who are at the bottom of the food chain in high school, it’s the ones in the middle who don’t understand why everyone needs to be categorized. Throughout my teenage years I walked around with an air of angst. It’s not the most encouraging revelation that you need to adjust to the system and comply to the social norms when you just want to do it your own way. All this really means is that if you want to put on makeup, ripped leather pants, and rock out without anyone telling you that you don’t belong than there’s only one man who can be your saviour:

Reasons why Sammi Curr is Rock’s Chosen Warrior

He WILL rule the Apocalypse. I always had big aspirations in life, but I have zero confidence that Rock will ever choose me as it’s warrior. Instead, I’m probably a shoe in to be one of rock’s great listeners. It actually seems redundant since there’s no one else in the entire universe, except for maybe Darkseid, who could rule the Apocalypse besides Sammi Curr.

One of his biggest fans will always be known to millions as Skippy Handleman, not Ragman. Marc Price will always be known as Skippy, the Keaton’s neighbor, even though his best role was playing outcast Eddie Weinbauer in Trick or Treat. The cool, popular guys are always playing tricks on him and making fun of him so he vows to “nail them.” He’s a Walkman listening, jean jacket wearing, metal kid who’s got a crush on a cute girl named Leslie. She doesn’t even know he exists until he gets locked out of the locker room naked and she feels bad for him. She winds up saving him from drowning at a pool party. Recently, Eddie is back on the market and ready to take on the ladies! Eddie likes to write letters to Sammi Curr, listen to the latest metal, and spends most of his time brooding underneath the stairwell of Lakeridge High School.


Sammi’s not afraid to go on a tirade and “stand up” to the government. The government has labelled rock music “rock pornography” and an investigation is underway. Sammi defends himself to the Senate: “What I am saying here is you cannot legislate morality or music or people’s minds or we’ll bring you down man…WE WILL BRING YOU DOWN!” Dee Snider would be proud!

Curr was banned from playing a concert at his old high school due to his onstage antics being deemed too obscene. You don’t see Jon Bon Jovi getting banned from his old high school. He could probably fuck a goat on stage while he’s singing This Ain’t a Love Song and he’d get a standing ov. I think public forgiveness is based on attractiveness. The public will forgive you if you are good looking. You can go murder your impregnated wife and women will still say “What a shame that he’s such a murdering bastard because he’s a good looking guy.” Yeah, so Scott Peterson was apparently a hunk but we totally outcast and ban Sammi Curr from going back to his high school for french kissing a snake, biting it in two, then drinking its blood on stage. I wouldn’t even deem that indecent, to me that’s endearing! Who doesn’t love themselves some sacrificial snake juice once in a while? C’mon, let’s be honest it’s nothing these overdeveloped high school kids haven’t seen before! F-YOU LAKERIDGE HIGH!

As Billy Joel said, “Only the Good Die Young.” As reported on Eyewitness News, Curr died at the young age of 38 years old in a hotel fire. The amount of hotels he probably trashed and girls he fucked probably eclipses that of any emo band or homosexual brother trio in existence combined…ever.

He will not think twice about holding one of his insane satanic yoga festivals right in your bedroom. Let me tell you, Sammi brings the f’n party! While he’s doing his deep breathing exercises he’ll make you do calisthenics all over the place. You’ll be so hot from the workout that you’ll feel like you’re on fire! The Sammi Curr Satanic Yoga Experience workout DVD is available at finer store’s everywhere such as A&S, Alexander’s, and Bradlees.


He looked badass on the cover of Hit Parader – Even though Hit Parader was derided by various members of the rock and metal community, it was still one of the higher profile metal mags on the shelves. At the time, I always preferred Metal Edge since it was an easier read, informative, and in touch with its audience.


He comes up with witty, lighthearted album names. Arguably the best album in Curr’s discography is playfully titled “Tortures Too Kind.”

Records secret backmasked messages on his records. Many bands have been accused of including backmasked subliminal messages in their recordings such as The Beatles, Zeppelin, Judas Priest, and Slayer, so Curr’s joined an exclusive club.


Scares mothers all over the country. I never minded my father listening to KISS with me, but my mother generally disliked hard rock music. Sammi Curr seems like Satan incarnate when you’re on a strict diet of Rod Stewart, Barbara Streisand, and Dion Demucci.


And he even enrages OZZY! Ozzy gets fired up as his paradoxical evangelist Rev. Aaron Gilstrom. Here’s some of his wisdom about weeding out heavy metal music: “This could kick you off into becoming an absolute pervert!” “What happened to the good old simple love song? ‘I love you’ that’s a good word to use…” “It’s just absolutely sick and bizarre and I’m going to do my utmost best to try and stop it now!”


He can murder people through the TV! Curr even eradicates the “prince of f’n darkness” Ozzy Osbourne with the flick of his wrist! This power is not limited to reaching into the TV, but he can pull them out as well. His superhuman strength allows him to hoist his victims high into the air.


Curr records cassettes that make girls get naked, masturbate, and get killed by a huge slimy demon. That must be some tape! Can I get a copy of that tape? Except for the last part of course! Forget about The Ring, audio casettes were committing murder years before VHS. The victim here was some Lori Loughlin wannabe.


Shoots lightning bolts from his guitar. The next day, Ace Frehley sued for trademark infringement. Naturally, Curr can also harness electricity and shoots it from his fingers as well. He’s in good company with fellow harnessers such as Emperor Palpatine and even Doc Brown who managed to figure out a method of harnessing 1.21 jig watts of electricity. An amazing feat. Oh, and just a warning…you may need to make a trip to Best Buy because he WILL ruin your stereo!


He’s the Jerry Rice of hard rock and heavy metal. Not only can Sammi rock out and shred a solo on his guitar, but he’s also the best wide receiver ever…of guitars that is! Curr can catch a hail Mary guitar pass without even looking!


His onstage spins and jumps rival David Lee Roth’s. Sammi can even do a freakin’ cartwheel while holding his microphone. I bet his prowess can be credited to the late Tony Fields who was a well known choreographer and Solid Gold dancer. I wonder if Sammi Curr is at peace with the fact that he once starred in A Chorus Line?

Legend has it that Sammi beat the shit out of Blackie Lawless to secure the role that was rightfully his, that of Sammi Curr. No one could play Sammi better than Sammi, except possibly Tony Fields!

In a development that rocked Eddie Weinbauer’s world, several months after his death it was revealed that Curr did not record any of the songs he is known for. Unfortunately, just like Milli Vanilli, he lypsynched all of his concerts. Curr’s persuasive manner (read: will shoot you with electricity) convinced Fastway to record songs that he would claim as his own without any monetary retribution. I can’t comment on the accusation that there were any kickbacks to NUKE, the radio DJ from WZLP, but if Gene $immon$ had anything to do with it, I’m sure he was generously compensated.

Sammi kills fuzzy, innocent bears! Douche!