It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”
All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:
5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!
4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.
3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.
2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)
1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.