Jon Bon Jovi Does Not Work For Me

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFlfuqcsF0?rel=0]
Surprisingly “Work For The Working Man” sucks only a little bit less than the rest of the tracks on Bon Jovi’s latest effort The Circle. The second I heard this blah medium paced rocker previous to it’s release in late 2009, it’s lyrics struck me as ironic coming from an obscenely wealthy music icon. I’m a working man and Jon Bon Jovi sure as hell doesn’t work for me, otherwise he’d still be recording songs that make me jump out of my chair and play air guitar in front of my mirror.
Jon Bon Jovi’s limp songwriting as of late is partly because in the past several years he’s been too concerned with being an entrepreneur and hosting political galas to be a real rock star. Why concentrate on writing kickass songs when there’s hobnobbing to do, hands to shake, pockets to fill, and horned up wives to flirt with? Rock stars always boast that there’s no better job in the world than to play their music in front of crowds on a nightly basis. Sure, being a successful musician or rock star is lucrative, and as you know, offers a lot of tremendous fringe benefits. So why is this guy singing about losing his pension and having to work 2 jobs just to get by?
Jon Bon Jovi’s net worth is estimated to be in the same range of the number of records his band has sold: 100 million. Listening to Jon sing lyrics that question “Who’s gonna work for the working man?” is ridiculous. Jon brazenly announces that he’s “here trying to make a living” in the first line of the song. It’s a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but really just a futile attempt at appealing to the hard working average middle class citizen – the very group of people responsible for igniting the band to fame in early ’80s New Jersey. Most of them aren’t rock stars, but some did take a crack at it after seeing him make it big. Where are they now? Probably looking to be interviewed by The Sexy Armpit.
Jon Bon Jovi may have grown up in middle class suburban Sayreville, New Jersey, but it wasn’t very long before Bon Jovi’s hit records started making them millions. Oh, the woes of having a family and trying to make ends meet on a one hundred million dollar budget! I know Jon, it must be a real challenge to get those utility bills paid at the end of the month when dealing with such a meager salary. I hear the Bon Jovi clan may even have to skip Christmas this year. You know, sometimes I have $9 dollars left in my account when I’m done paying bills? Look out, airing on E! Network soon, Jay’s True New Jersey Story
Talk about Captain Crash, more like Captain Obvious! Themes such as the economy, unemployment lines, and government involvement are as easily detectable in the song as the moments in concert when Jon’s about to twinkle his spirit fingers. You can see them coming from 7800 miles away. The song’s clunky title, awkward chorus, and political theme fail to unite with the run of the mill Jovi musical background. Which reminds me about an old story. Once upon a time…not so long ago, Bon Jovi sang a song about a working class couple. Although “Work” shares a similar chugging musical intro that recalls their signature song “Livin’ On A Prayer,” their hopes to evoke the same emotions as “Prayer” has for the last 25 years were squashed.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugrual Address in 1961 included his famous call to action “…ask what you can do for your country.” Essentially, Jon lyrics stand behind Americans who work their asses off every day and are still getting screwed. Now it’s the governments turn to help the people out a little bit, and no matter your political beliefs, that’s not a bad idea that Jon has. The bigger issue here is why he and his guitar slinger Richie Sambora couldn’t turn these passionate sentiments into a huge walloping rock song with an indelible chorus that doesn’t merely ask a question, but instead commands results. Rock music needs to resist and challenge the status quo, but unfortunately Bon Jovi’s “Work” output is too sluggish to be taken seriously.

Slippery When Wet’s 25th Anniversary

PhotobucketMany readers of The Sexy Armpit who don’t know me in real life think I’m always bashing Bon Jovi…and I am. The thing is, I’m a huge Bon Jovi fan at the same time. You see, Bon Jovi is not the same band as they were when I was growing up. The cool rock stars from a few miles down the road who lived and breathed rock and roll are long gone. I guess sitting on billions of dollars sucked all the coolness and rock and roll out of them too. The guys hungry for stardom who worked with famed songwriter Desmond Child in Richie Sambora’s basement once upon a time creating what would become one of the most iconic rock albums of all time have taken a wrong turn on the road to rock.

I want none of this “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” crap or this “(You Want to) Make a Memory” bullshit. The modern Bon Jovi completely ignores the hard edged pop rock they once produced because they believe it isn’t lucrative anymore. Let’s be honest – I think Bon Jovi would become even more popular than they ever were if they released a really kickass hard rock song with a catchy chorus like they used to do back in the ’80s. People worship those songs. Do you really think people hanging out in bars 20 years from now are going to be sliding dollar bills into a space age jukebox to hear “When We Were Beautiful?” F-ck no. They want to hear the good stuff!

It’s simple, if you want to relive some of Bon Jovi’s greatest musical achievements then go into your iTunes and listen to their 1986 album Slippery When Wet in it’s entirety. It’s one of the greatest rock albums of all time and it’s sold 28 million copies worldwide. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, respect must be given to this album for it’s prominence in pop culture. Go to a wedding, a beach bar, a barbecue, or sporting event and chances are you will hear a song from Slippery When Wet. You know them whether you like to admit it or not, here we go: “Wanted Dead or Alive,” “You Give Love a Bad Name,” “Never Say Goodbye,” and of course the song that’s almost as popular with drunk women as Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'” – “Livin’ On a Prayer.” Oh and I can’t forget one of my personal favorites, a song I share fondness for with Barf from Spaceballs, “Raise Your Hands.”

And now, easily one of Bon Jovi’s greatest tracks:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRvCvsRp5ho?rel=0]

Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi: NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 67

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It struck me as odd to see a Bon Jovi Halloween T-shirt being advertised at their official web store. A band like KISS can never be questioned for having a Halloween shirt because their whole persona is built on their macabre costumes, especially Gene Simmons. You won’t go to a Halloween party this year without seeing at least one person or an entire group dressed as KISS. Yet, even if you see a group of guys dressed up as Bon Jovi, they will easily be mistaken for “any ’80s hairband,” unless they’re the minority who decide on the “early ’90s Bon Jovi, after they all cut their hair.”

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All of this leads me to wonder about this bizarre Bon Jovi/Halloween correlation they are touting on this cool Jack-O-Lantern T-Shirt which goes for an astounding $29.99! While you’re scrounging up the cash to pay for it, take a look at the Top 5 Scariest Things about Bon Jovi:

5. Sure he’s a talented songwriter but David Bryan’s hair is insanely ludicrous. Listen buddy, it’s time to go to whatever store in France that Bret Michaels did. Shit, even Gene Simmons hair, which looks like licorice flavored cotton candy, is better than that preposterous crown of curls. Dear Dave: this isn’t 18th century Europe!

4. Jon Bon Jovi’s veneers. Those are some humongous white chompers! His childhood dream of becoming the next Dr.Teeth and the Eletric Mayhem band is one step closer to realization, except for the good rocking music of course.

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3. Jon Bon Jovi’s acting. If you ever need to kill any vampires, call Jon Bon Jovi: Freelance Vampire Slayer. He eradicates vampires with the power of his jazz hands.

2. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are Italians from Jersey. (Just in case you were wondering what happened to Alec John Such.)

1. What’s truly the scariest thing about Bon Jovi is that somehow people are buying their newer music. Every time I’m finished doing my business on the toilet, I look down at the water flushing into the black hole, and all I think of is “The Circle,” Bon Jovi’s latest atrocious album. If you happen to be rich and really cool and you decide to give out those ancient relics known as CD’s instead of candy for Halloween this year – don’t bother giving out any copies of Bon Jovi’s “The Circle.” Kids might throw it back at you.

Shark Frenzy and Sambora

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Before he was well fed, getting a street named after him, and sitting on mountains of moolah, Richie Sambora was as hungry for rock stardom as Jaws was for some silly human flesh. You read it right, Woodbridge, New Jersey’s Richie Sambora or “Sambo” wasn’t always the superstar guitarist of Bon Jovi. Like most rockers destined for greatness, when Richie was through with local sports, he paid his dues playing in several bands. In addition to auditioning for KISS and Poison (who, at the time, was known as Paris), and playing guitar for Joe Cocker, Sambora was part of a band of Jersey guys called Shark Frenzy.

Shark Frenzy’s classic rock sound has been compared to ’70s rock bands like Aerosmith and Meatloaf, but I also hear similarities to several other bands such as Free, and Boston. Their music wasn’t officially released until over 20 years later, when founder of the band and grammy nominee, Bruce Foster, had the previously damaged tapes remastered and put out by Sanctuary Records. There was enough Shark Frenzy material for 2 full albums and the CD’s are available at many online shops (even Walmart!) and possibly the few record stores left. Both volumes are available on iTunes for $9.99 each.

On his official website, Bruce Foster reveals more about how he salvaged the music to finally get it released: “This album features Richie’s first time playing and singing in a recording studio. The master tapes of these priceless recordings were erased by the recording studio. I had the mixes on tape which went under 2 feet of salt water and river silt in the flood. Now, over 20 years later, through months of careful restoration, these recordings equal and in some cases exceed their original sonic spectrum.”

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 29: Richie Sambora – You Can Go Home

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Jon Bon Jovi is a philanthropy snob. Obviously, there are worse things one can be, like perhaps the lead singer of a New Jersey rock band who now sounds like he’s a cowboy from Tennessee. How do you think the laid back, good time guitarist Richie Sambora feels every time Jon Bon Jovi donates $385 bazillion dollars to charity? It seems insurmountable to live up to that lofty standard, but Richie’s latest endeavor is quite praiseworthy.
Recently, Richie Sambora created You Can Go Home, a fundraising campaign for Kelly Mahon, a Woodbridge High School student in New Jersey who is afflicted with a brain tumor. Richie is one of the only celebrities ever to graduate from Woodbridge High School (besides me of course) and he felt compelled to give back to his hometown. According to the official You Can Go Home website, the original campaign raised over $75,000 for Kelly’s family which helped offset the tremendous medical bills.
For nearly two years, Kelly has been confined to the hospital for the majority of the time, but is now cleared to go home for overnight visits. In preparation for Kelly’s visits back home, The Mahon Family needed to renovate their entire house for wheelchair accessibility. Sambora personally financed all the renovations so Kelly could be reunited with her family in their home for the first time since she was admitted to the hospital in 2007.
Richie Sambora is offering a line of merch and the profits from which will provide further funding to aid Kelly in her recovery. Even if you’re not a Bon Jovi fan, this is for a good cause so head over to the website and make a purchase!