10 Things I Love About Jersey Shore Shark Attack

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Shark Week is coming. Matter of fact, a friggin’ Sharknado is scheduled to touch down tonight, on SyFy Channel. Luckily, this time it’s New York City that will be infiltrated by sharks, but rewind only a couple of summers and it was the Jersey Shore that was overrun by sharks in glorious Sy-Fy style. It was blood spattered, B-Movie bliss!

Preppy rich folk are trying to build a beach club spa and undersea drilling from the project winds up attracting a very rare species of CGI albino bull sharks, the natural non-tanned well known enemy of the shore faring orange gorilla guido. A Jersey Shore Shark Attack of epic proportions ensues.

While MTV’s Jersey Shore is a distant memory to many of us, clearly its impact still lingers. Jersey Shore was in its final season when Jersey Shore Shark Attack aired on SyFy Channel in the summer of 2012. Similar in spirit to 2010’s Piranha 3-D, another film with Jersey connections, JSSA garnered a better than expected 3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and 25% liked it on Rotten Tomatoes.

The title is a bit misleading because the movie has nothing to do with the actual shark attacks that happened along the Jersey Shore in 1916. If it bums you out and you were geared up for some historical progressive era carnage, you are S.O.L. there, but you’re in luck here because I’ve compiled 10 things I love about this movie. Here we go!

10. No actors from New Jersey appear in this production. This is not surprising. The closest we get is Staten Island’s Jeremy Luke who plays “The Complication” and sort of looks like a white Tracy Morgan. Staten Island is so close to New Jersey that it’s apparent why he was also cast in other Jersey related films like Don Jon and Jersey Boys. This guy is likable on screen and he’s definitely going to become a familiar face. You’ll enjoy his performance more than watching the real Situation.

9. Guy fishing in a canoe smoking a cigar catches a…New Jersey Turnpike sign. This sign is so iconic to me that it’s been part of my site logo for nearly 10 years. That wasn’t the only surprise this guy got, he caught the severed head of a guidette! Pulling body parts out of the water in Jersey is a weekly occurrence here, they aren’t embellishing.

8. Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) plays boardwalk Tiki bar proprietor, Captain Sallie. Although he was born in Brooklyn, Sirico will always be associated with New Jersey thanks to The Sopranos.

7. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. With Super Soakers.

6. The Warriors reference. “Preppies come out and pla–ay!” The Preppies think the Guidos are trash but they both have to grudgingly team up in this film. Ugh, how excruciating.

5. Jack Scalia rules. He’s like a Shakespearean actor. Who needs Anthony Hopkins when we have friggin’ J.Scal? My mom had one of those hunky pictures of him on our fridge in the ’80s so there’s that. Oh, and there was also one on the inside of our coffee mug cabinet.

4. Luring sharks with Protein bars, they might be onto something.

BJ: 
“You really think you’re gonna attract sharks with protein bars?” 
DONNIE: 
“Nothing’s gonna resist 25 grams of power packed peanut butter crunch!”
(he delivers this line like a pro-wrestler cutting a promo!)

3. Italian Stereotypes to the MAX er, um the MASSIMO! Bocce Ball! Grappa! Sopressata! Surprisingly, I don’t think there was one mention of a cannoli.

“Ya got 10 miles of beautiful white sandy beaches, blue sky, and what do you have to show for it? Wet T-shirt contests and funnel cake…”

2. ATHERTON! The brilliant William Atherton will help you’ll get a feel for the other side of the Jersey shore, the one that that you don’t often see depicted on TV – the yuppie rich folks who own yachts and mansions right on the beach. They wear boat shoes. You know them. Guidos don’t seem so annoying in comparison right? Atherton is the big pretentious a-hole from that crew, similar to Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. This time, instead of turning off the protection grid like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, he’s activating undersea drills that attract killer sharks in order to build his beach club.

1. Thank you Captain Obvious! This movie over-explains everything and I love every utterance. After a shark launched into the air and swallowed N’Sync’s “legendary” Joey Fatone whole, the actual Vinny from Jersey Shore yells “Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!” Or, how about the classic “Help me my foot is stuck,” when Nooki’s (knockoff Snooki) foot was stuck. Riveting! In the end, there’s even a celebratory fist pumping “Guido” chant to remind viewers that these guys are supposed to be guidos.

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New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.66: Piranha (2010)

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Oh shit SHARK WEEK starts next week! To prepare for one of the highlights of the summer, let’s take take a look at a movie based on another scary creature that lives underwater – PIRANHA! The 2010 remake of the film was lightweight, but a surprisingly refreshing horror comedy. And what’s a horror comedy without references to the great state of New Jersey?

Before we get into the Jersey name drop, I’ll tell you about another Jersey connection. The cast of Piranha was like a who’s who. As unpopular as this next sentence is going to sound, I’m a big fan of Jerry O’Connell, and he’s perfect as the obnoxious “Girls Gone Wild” knockoff producer Derrick Jones. And GREAT SCOTT! It’s Adam Scott and Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd. The film also features Richard Dreyfuss in a cameo nod to his role in Jaws. As for hotties, Riley Steele and Kelly Brooke provide some eye candy, and on a milfier note, scoring one of the main roles is Elisabeth Shue who grew up in New Jersey.

In the scene pictured above, Sheriff Julie Forrester (Shue) is on a mission to find out why the local lake is being infested by Piranha. She stops over to see Mr. Goodman (Lloyd), a local fish store owner who knows all about different species, and luckily a lot about Piranha. As she and Novak (Adam Scott) bring a bucket with a Piranha over to an empty tank, Mr. Goodman’s wife deduces what must have happened:

“You know I’ve heard of this happening, it’s like those baby alligators in New Jersey, someone leaves them and then they breed…” – Mrs. Goodman (Devra Korwin)

I didn’t get to see the film in 3-D while it was in theaters, but it was still fun to watch. Piranha is silly, mildly scary, and still pretty awesome, much like the 1970s original. With a running time of 88 minutes you won’t have a chance to get bored. Even though it’s sequel, Piranha 3DD, is schlockier than it’s predecessor, it has David Hasselhoff as himself basically reprising his role as Mitch from Baywatch, but it doesn’t offer Riley Steele and Kelly Brooke swimming naked to the euphoric sounds of Lakme: Flower Duet by Delibes…in 3-D, but both films offer vomiting and castration…in 3-D.

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Jersey Shore Shark Attack…Finally!

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[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eACzpD2FNos?rel=0]

That title might seem completely insane, but it’s not what you think. I’m not saying “Damn, FINALLY someone came up with the idea to merge movies like JAWS and Piranha with MTV’s JERSEY SHORE type buffoonery. I’ll reiterate: that’s NOT what I was saying. When I say finally, it means that it took so damn long to get a trailer for what at first glance looks be quite a piece of shit. Now, when I say possible…there’s like a 6% chance that it will totally kick ass. OK, I’m exaggerating. The truth is, it looks terrible in the most awesome way possible and I’m glad that we finally have a trailer after nearly 2 years of it’s initial announcement.

In the trailer we see all the typical stereotypes of how the country views people from New Jersey. Actually, we aren’t all mongoloids. I speak normally and don’t sleep in a tanning bed. These errors are inconsequential when I think about what an event this movie will be for me. I’m always excited to watch an unintentionally funny, shlocky horror movie takes place in New Jersey. As you can see, the clones of the Jersey Shore cast get guns and hunt sharks at the end of the trailer. The effects are terrible so I’ll be going in with extremely low expectations.
The casting bemuses me though. If I was a kid on Twitter I’d probably tweet this in reaction to the trailer: “That moment when you realize Joey Fatone is in Jersey Shore Shark Attack.” I was taken aback for a moment when I realized Fatone shows up on the scene. Including the heftiest member of N’Sync, all the main stars were born in Brooklyn, NY. What the hell is that crap? The casting director should’ve taken care that they hired Jersey born actors and actresses considering there’s a ton of them. It would’ve made it more authentic. One huge misconception is that people from Jersey do NOT talk like they are from Brooklyn unless they are from Brooklyn and moved to Jersey. We aren’t all Tony Danza clones here contrary to popular belief.
Joey Fatone, Jack Scalia, Paul Sorvino, Tony Sirico, and hold up a second…WILLIAM F*CKING ATHERTON!?!?! NOW I’M IN. I’M SO F’N IN. I’m front and center for what just turned into a magnificent piece of entertainment. Sold. *SPOILERS* Vinny from Jersey Shore plays a news reporter who spills the beans that Joey Fatone’s character GETS EATEN BY A SHARK! I bet the shark is TEARIN’ UP HIS HEART as we speak. No release date has been announced yet, so until then “Bye, Bye, Bye!”
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Atlantic City Card Sharks

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If trivia was a possible area of study in college I would’ve excelled rapidly to a master’s degree in it. To prove it, I offer a bit of trivia for you in honor of Shark Week. Not to be confused with the classic game show involving those supersized playing cards, Card Sharks, The Atlantic City Card Sharks were a team in the NIFL for only one season. Unfamiliar with the NIFL? Don’t worry, I polled the entire universe and even parallel universes and there were only 26 people who remembered the NIFL. The National Indoor Football League was completely separate from the Arena Football League (The AFL), but according to it’s official website, “high quality entertainment” was the goal of the team in it’s first and only season.

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The Card Sharks were coached by former Oakland Raider Mike Siani. They played home games at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City and after a record of 9-5, the team folded in 2004. Perhaps the only greater accomplishment than gaining a winning record in the NIFL was the fact that Trump Plaza issued a commemorative limited edition $10 dollar casino chip in the Card Sharks honor.

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I say they should’ve kept those dancers around, and even the mascot! I wouldn’t mind watching them put on a little show while walking down the A.C boardwalk. Hell, why don’t they just have the Card Shark mascot run rampant on the A.C beach? He could weave in and out of the crowds of people suntanning while making lewd hand gestures, stealing people’s drinks, and sprinting into the ocean yelling “SHARK!” at the top of his lungs…now that’s high quality entertainment!

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So Long Shark Month!

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Andrew Zubko’s Batman vs. Shark

Thank you for joining The Sexy Armpit for Shark Month!
Some people have been calling me crazy, while others say I’m just a total geek. Most of the time I can’t figure out what I consider myself. Is spending countless hours of my precious time researching, brainstorming, creating graphics, writing, and editing posts about New Jersey related nostalgia a worthwhile pastime? As if the work week doesn’t deplete my life of free time as it is, I then sink whatever time I have left into trivial bits of New Jersey nonsense. Would it sound completely moronic if I narrowed my blog topic to be even more specific? The answer is YES, and I just spent the last month writing discovering the many relationships that New Jersey has with Sharks. Yes, you really just read that.
While it may not have been as bloody or pulse pounding as the actual upcoming Shark Week on Discovery Channel, for those who enjoy the occasional obscure fact or finding out about a little known film, you probably enjoyed it along with me and I thank you for that. Did Shark Week get monotonous? Hell yes, of course it did. Was a month too long? Definitely. Was Radiation Scarred Reviews right in only doing their own Sharkathalon for 8 days? Absolutely. Now, I know you’re thinking, “But Jay, isn’t the Halloween Countdown a full month long?” Yes sir, but that isn’t nearly the arduous task of uncovering the connections of Jersey and Sharks. Halloween is a much more broad affair, when almost anything spooky, including movies, personal photographs, and memories get shared. So I guess I am a total geek because I can’t wait to get back to my regularly scheduled programming here. And I’m even more excited for The Countdown to Halloween with all of you!
Before I kicked off Shark Month, I had it in the planning stages for several months. I gathered so much material that I’m even thinking of starting and infrequent recurring column on the subject. Would you want to see that? Did you enjoy Shark Month? 
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Shark Frenzy and Sambora

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Before he was well fed, getting a street named after him, and sitting on mountains of moolah, Richie Sambora was as hungry for rock stardom as Jaws was for some silly human flesh. You read it right, Woodbridge, New Jersey’s Richie Sambora or “Sambo” wasn’t always the superstar guitarist of Bon Jovi. Like most rockers destined for greatness, when Richie was through with local sports, he paid his dues playing in several bands. In addition to auditioning for KISS and Poison (who, at the time, was known as Paris), and playing guitar for Joe Cocker, Sambora was part of a band of Jersey guys called Shark Frenzy.

Shark Frenzy’s classic rock sound has been compared to ’70s rock bands like Aerosmith and Meatloaf, but I also hear similarities to several other bands such as Free, and Boston. Their music wasn’t officially released until over 20 years later, when founder of the band and grammy nominee, Bruce Foster, had the previously damaged tapes remastered and put out by Sanctuary Records. There was enough Shark Frenzy material for 2 full albums and the CD’s are available at many online shops (even Walmart!) and possibly the few record stores left. Both volumes are available on iTunes for $9.99 each.

On his official website, Bruce Foster reveals more about how he salvaged the music to finally get it released: “This album features Richie’s first time playing and singing in a recording studio. The master tapes of these priceless recordings were erased by the recording studio. I had the mixes on tape which went under 2 feet of salt water and river silt in the flood. Now, over 20 years later, through months of careful restoration, these recordings equal and in some cases exceed their original sonic spectrum.”

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The Subpar Seaport Aquarium in Wildwood, NJ

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Seaport Aquarium, Wildwood NJ

Last time I visited the Wildwood Boardwalk I had no interest in going inside the Seaport Aquarium, but I did feel compelled to snap some photos of the Shark hanging out underneath their sign. Various reviews from around the net claim that the Seaport Aquarium on the Wildwood Boardwalk is the biggest scam going.

Lori D. from Blackwood, NJ reported that they have a Piranha tank where you could purchase a goldfish for $3.99 and watch it get eaten by the little spiky toothed punk. She went on to say that there are 2 nurse sharks that you can touch, but they are too big for their small tanks. Other reviews claimed that the aquarium looked more like a pet store, their reptiles were sick, and there was a lack of animal supervision on the part of the staff. Next time you take the gang to the boardwalk you may want to say no to your kid who is pulling your arm out of your socket in hopes of going in there. Click here to read the other reviews at Insider Pages and this one from Yelp.

I think Aquarium W. from Manchester Township NJ sums it up real nice for us all: “Holy Balls This Place Sucked.” Cool sign though…

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 59: Sharks Rugby

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Here’s a tee of the rugby team that was originally called The New Jersey Sharks, but is now known as the Bucks County Sharks. They moved to P.A and they made New Jersey short one rugby team. “What’s one less rugby team?” I always say. But meanwhile, in another part of the Garden State, there was another rugby team also called The Sharks, but these were The Jersey Shore Sharks! These guys were around longer than the other Sharks, and no, they don’t replace the Gatorade with Ron Ron Juice. So, in the end, New Jersey remains successful in filling it’s quota of having at least ONE rugby team named after Sharks!
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If you read the history section of The Jersey Shore Sharks website, you’ll see that they are living up to the Jersey reputation. You’ll read more about drinking shots, starting fights, naked bodies, and wet t-shirt contests than you will about their games. That’s the way it should be, because I’m sure getting involved in rugby is all about the after parties and the travel games anyway.
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