10 Things I Love About Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Shark Week is coming. Matter of fact, a friggin’ Sharknado is scheduled to touch down tonight, on SyFy Channel. Luckily, this time it’s New York City that will be infiltrated by sharks, but rewind only a couple of summers and it was the Jersey Shore that was overrun by sharks in glorious Sy-Fy style. It was blood spattered, B-Movie bliss!

Preppy rich folk are trying to build a beach club spa and undersea drilling from the project winds up attracting a very rare species of CGI albino bull sharks, the natural non-tanned well known enemy of the shore faring orange gorilla guido. A Jersey Shore Shark Attack of epic proportions ensues.

While MTV’s Jersey Shore is a distant memory to many of us, clearly its impact still lingers. Jersey Shore was in its final season when Jersey Shore Shark Attack aired on SyFy Channel in the summer of 2012. Similar in spirit to 2010’s Piranha 3-D, another film with Jersey connections, JSSA garnered a better than expected 3 out of 10 stars on IMDB and 25% liked it on Rotten Tomatoes.

The title is a bit misleading because the movie has nothing to do with the actual shark attacks that happened along the Jersey Shore in 1916. If it bums you out and you were geared up for some historical progressive era carnage, you are S.O.L. there, but you’re in luck here because I’ve compiled 10 things I love about this movie. Here we go!

10. No actors from New Jersey appear in this production. This is not surprising. The closest we get is Staten Island’s Jeremy Luke who plays “The Complication” and sort of looks like a white Tracy Morgan. Staten Island is so close to New Jersey that it’s apparent why he was also cast in other Jersey related films like Don Jon and Jersey Boys. This guy is likable on screen and he’s definitely going to become a familiar face. You’ll enjoy his performance more than watching the real Situation.

9. Guy fishing in a canoe smoking a cigar catches a…New Jersey Turnpike sign. This sign is so iconic to me that it’s been part of my site logo for nearly 10 years. That wasn’t the only surprise this guy got, he caught the severed head of a guidette! Pulling body parts out of the water in Jersey is a weekly occurrence here, they aren’t embellishing.

8. Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) plays boardwalk Tiki bar proprietor, Captain Sallie. Although he was born in Brooklyn, Sirico will always be associated with New Jersey thanks to The Sopranos.

7. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. With Super Soakers.

6. The Warriors reference. “Preppies come out and pla–ay!” The Preppies think the Guidos are trash but they both have to grudgingly team up in this film. Ugh, how excruciating.

5. Jack Scalia rules. He’s like a Shakespearean actor. Who needs Anthony Hopkins when we have friggin’ J.Scal? My mom had one of those hunky pictures of him on our fridge in the ’80s so there’s that. Oh, and there was also one on the inside of our coffee mug cabinet.

4. Luring sharks with Protein bars, they might be onto something.

“You really think you’re gonna attract sharks with protein bars?” 
“Nothing’s gonna resist 25 grams of power packed peanut butter crunch!”
(he delivers this line like a pro-wrestler cutting a promo!)

3. Italian Stereotypes to the MAX er, um the MASSIMO! Bocce Ball! Grappa! Sopressata! Surprisingly, I don’t think there was one mention of a cannoli.

“Ya got 10 miles of beautiful white sandy beaches, blue sky, and what do you have to show for it? Wet T-shirt contests and funnel cake…”

2. ATHERTON! The brilliant William Atherton will help you’ll get a feel for the other side of the Jersey shore, the one that that you don’t often see depicted on TV – the yuppie rich folks who own yachts and mansions right on the beach. They wear boat shoes. You know them. Guidos don’t seem so annoying in comparison right? Atherton is the big pretentious a-hole from that crew, similar to Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius. This time, instead of turning off the protection grid like Walter Peck in Ghostbusters, he’s activating undersea drills that attract killer sharks in order to build his beach club.

1. Thank you Captain Obvious! This movie over-explains everything and I love every utterance. After a shark launched into the air and swallowed N’Sync’s “legendary” Joey Fatone whole, the actual Vinny from Jersey Shore yells “Joey Fatone just got eaten by a shark!” Or, how about the classic “Help me my foot is stuck,” when Nooki’s (knockoff Snooki) foot was stuck. Riveting! In the end, there’s even a celebratory fist pumping “Guido” chant to remind viewers that these guys are supposed to be guidos.

MTV’s JERSEY GORE: Fist Pumping Zombie Guidos With Ripped Abs

Jersey Gore Pin
MTV’s Jersey Shore is about to jump the shark. The fourth season premieres tonight and it was all filmed in Italy. Oh, and Deena is now an official cast member which just means she’ll be stripping for any guy in Italy who pays attention to her. So, after spotting this JERSEY GORE pin at the last Monster Mania in Cherry Hill, I had an idea. This pin, which was for sale at the Bad Zombie/NJ Zombie Walk table, made me think of how much better the show would be if the cast all got turned into zombies.
The cast’s lame fights and corny, sappy romances would be elevated to a much more entertaining level if they were all part of the undead. I for one am frigging sick to death of all of Ronnie’s crying and whining about Sammie. F*ck that. If they were zombies I don’t think they’d really give a shit and I don’t think they’d do very much talking either so it’s a win-win. I’d love to see them all show up at a club down the shore with their jaws hanging open, eyeballs all white and glazed over, and their once artificially tanned bodies have decomposed into pale rotting flesh. No need for G.T.L anymore!
At the very least, I think it would be a great idea for the show to film a Halloween episode at the Asbury Park Zombie Walk since it’s a huge record setting deal. That would beat out an entire season’s worth of episodes from Italy. One question though, can walking corpses still maintain ridiculous abs?

Ad Jerseum 12: More McDonald’s Billboards


Michelle Obama recently hailed McDonald’s efforts to make Happy Meals healthier. The Sexy Armpit has also hailed McD’s recently for it’s regional “Toast Your Town” marketing campaign. Although the last McDonald’s billboard I spotted was a bit convoluted (read this link), the two latest McDonald’s Toast Your Town billboards I found are pretty damn cool.

New Jersey’s coastline stretches for nearly 130 miles, but The Garden State is far from tropical. It’s safe to say that any palm tree you see is either of the cheesy fiber optic variety, a blow up pool decoration, or imported from a warmer state. Considering that we constantly get pummeled with blizzards in the winter, the idea of a drink that can make us feel more tropical or exotic here in NJ is welcome. All I have to do to feel tropical is buy a fruity drink from McDonalds? Will the Mango Pineapple Fruit Smoothie automatically transport me to an exotic island? Obviously a mere smoothie won’t whisk you away on a $10,000 dollar getaway to Hawaii, but perhaps Long Beach Island will be in your future? I bet they also recommend the tanning salon for the full effect.
I have to hand it to the McDonald’s marketing team for utilizing the localized ad concept. It’s an effective way to reach groups of people in specific regions. Most of the nationwide McDonalds ads are fairly generic and aren’t very impressive, so these are at least more entertaining. They must be, especially since I felt they were worth a follow up blog post.

The “pumping fists not gas” line has previously appeared on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

 A large iced coffee at McDonalds probably would make me want to pump my fists, but not because I want to be mistaken for a guido, more because I would be insanely hopped up on caffeine.

If you read the last installment of Ad Jerseum, you will probably agree that despite whatever controversy exists between New York and New Jersey, The Statue of Liberty is simply not a symbol of New Jersey. People associate Lady Liberty with New York and naturally, the entire United States. I would say more people think of guidos when they hear “New Jersey” mentioned. It’s unfortunate that thanks to MTV’s hard-on for guidos, New Jersey may never overcome that association. Regardless of it being a negative association or not, I’ll admit that the second I saw the words “fist pump” the ad had my attention. I can’t believe fist pumping is as part of New Jersey as plastic surgery is to California. Yay stereotypes!

Zombie Beach Party in Asbury Park!

Zombie Beach Party, Asbury Park

This isn’t your typical day at the beach. If you stay away from the Jersey Shore because parking it’s always packed with guidos, parking is a nightmare, and the sand always burns three layers of skin off of your feet, then you might try playing dead for a change. If you’re not a beach person and Frankie and Annette make you want to peel your skin off, you may make an exception for the retro themed Zombie Beach Party in Asbury Park, coming to you from the organizers of the NJ Zombie Walk (winners of the 2010 Guinness Record for Largest Gathering of Zombies in the World).

RSVP at their Facebook page
May 28th, 2011
12:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Asbury Park Boardwalk

This Halloween Don’t Go Guido

Jersey Shore Wigs
Check out the Pauly D wannabe giving us the Blue Steel 

Halloween isn’t even here yet and I’m already preemptively sick of all the people dressing up as characters from MTV’s Jersey Shore. I can see the groups now, entering costume contests, lifting their shirts up to show their abs, comparing their poufs, and just being plain obnoxious. I live in Jersey so I don’t need to run into artificial guidos when there’s already enough real ones around as it is. Hopefully people thinking of buying these Jersey Shore costumes will think twice before making the purchase. Just a word of advice if you are actually thinking of going through with it, don’t you think there’s going to be a shitload of other people going as the same thing? Seriously people, this is Halloween not a Snook-a-like contest.

Guidette Kit
Because only people from Jersey like “Chewing Gum” right?

Ad Jerseum 8: Dear Philly

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!


Dear Philadelphia,

While on a recent NJ Transit train coming back from Penn Station in New York, I noticed this snarky little tourism ad in a poster case at one of the platforms. At first I grew a little defensive (“eh-oh…oh-eh” oh wait, that was Brooklyn) but then I realized to myself, “Hey self, this ad is pretty damn effective!” But don’t think for a second that it makes me want to run out to my car and drive to Philadelphia. The rest of this letter is left in your hands. I’ll lay it out nice and simple – you’ve got two options. There’s the truth, or there is nothing but outright lies.
I DON’T hate Philly. How can anyone possibly hate Philly? It’s the greatest city in the world! I can’t think of a better place to travel than the city where Rocky Balboa hails from. Do you know how many goofy pictures wives take of their husbands running up those stairs?!?! Forget that, what about the good eats? Philly offers one of the most healthy sandwich options, the cheesesteak, which easily puts that doucher Jared and his beloved Subway to shame. Think of all the weight you can lose if you only eat cheesesteaks everyday! And finally, Philly is home to the most famous crack in the world, perhaps even more well known than the butt crack, the crack on the Liberty Bell! Where else would one go to get their fill of brotherly love? Or SOUL? The Philadelphia Soul that is! Everyone knows arena football rocks compared to that second rate sport, REAL football. Walt Whitman bridge, here I come!
I’m definitely not one of those Jerseyans who hates Philadelphia, but I do have my reservations about it. When I was a kid, aside from it’s historical aspect, all I knew of Philly is that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air grew up in West Philadelphia where he chilled, maxed and relaxed (all cool), and shot some b-ball outside of the school. Oh, and there was that song by New Jersey’s icon Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia,”from the film Philadelphia. Bruce singing about Philly didn’t bother me as much as the fact that so many people from South Jersey root for Philly teams. When I notice Jersey people getting hardcore for the Eagles, Phillies, and the Flyers, it makes my skin crawl. There’s so many bars in South and the Western side Jersey that are fully adorned with Eagles paraphenalia, and Philly teams are simply considered “the home team.” Add that to the terrible Pennsylvania accent that many South Jersey people have adopted and you can stop wondering why I do not visit Philly.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows, but who cares, FLIP YOU PHILADELPHIA! And water ice? What the hell is that all about? It’s Italian ice! F-ck off water ice! Nobody cares about you, you don’t even exist to me. You were made up so Philly can brag about having something tasty to eat besides grizzly, artery clogging cheesesteaks. And Jon Bon Jovi’s Soul charity only helps less fortunate families in Philly because he wouldn’t last a second walking around with a film crew kissing his ass in Paterson or Camden NJ.
While creative and offbeat, this ad is merely a feeble attempt at conning Jerseyans into visiting Philly! OK, maybe some of the folks in this state aren’t the brightest in the bunch, but you think using familiar terms like “yous” is going to entice the guidos to hit up all the clubs in Philly? What would they do there? Philly is no place for fist pumpers. Why would you even want them there anyway?


The Sexy Armpit

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 53: Aqua Teen Jersey Shore Shirt

Aqua Teen’s “Greetings from The Jersey Shore” T-Shirt
It won’t be long before people everywhere want to literally vomit at the mere mention of the names Snooki, JWoww, and The Situation. With the 2nd season of MTV’s Jersey Shore creeping up on us, it won’t be long before your cable channels are infested by guidos again. Don’t worry though, when their 15 minutes is up, you can always fall back on the original crew to hang out down at The Jersey Shore, The Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The cult Adult Swim series is still going strong, in fact, just last week Aqua Teen Hunger Force Volume 7 was released on DVD. Personally, I’d rather listen to a talking ball of meat than JWoww.


NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 49: Guidon’t!

guido,new jersey,jersey shore,shirt
The great Darius Whiteplume of Adventures in Nerdliness brought this tee to The Sexy Armpit’s attention. Guidos have been associated with Jersey since the dawn of time. When cavemen roamed the land, tanned, roided up, fist pounding, shaved beasts scientifically referred to as Guidos gallivanted around New Jersey. For the past several years anthropologists knew they weren’t officially extinct, but they definitely seemed dormant for a while, until now. Thanks to MTV’s Jersey Shore we’ve seen more and more guidos come out of the woodwork, almost as if they think it’s socially acceptable to be a Guido now. Go back and take refuge in the club where you belong! The Guido has become a mockery and this shirt sums up that sentiment perfectly. Regardless, they are more marketable now than ever because of Snooki, The Situation, and the rest of MTV’s Jersey Shore cast. The graphic on this tee would make a great logo for Guidobusters: The Movie, how much do you want to bet it gets greenlit before Ghostbusters 3?

**T-Shirt Bordello refers to this shirt as their “Fist Pumping Tribute to Jersey Shore” and it’s “made of 100% cotton for that comfy feeling you get after changing the channel from Jersey Shore.” Just before this post was published the tee was on sale for a rock bottom price of $2.99, so get it while you can! www.tshirtbordello.com

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.38: Baby It’s You

Baby It's You
I had not heard of Baby It’s You until a couple of years ago when I discovered that it was based in Trenton, NJ so I wanted to check it out. Recently, I rented it from Netflix and even though there’s been many occasions where The Sexy Armpit has been known to save a film merely based on its ties to New Jersey, as you will read in this review, even with the added feature of seeing Rosanna Arquette’s boobs for the bazillionth time, Baby It’s You is better left undiscovered.
Baby It’s You, is based on a story by Trenton-born Amy Robinson, and begins in 1966, and progresses into the early ’70s. The soundtrack is classic, but even it can’t incite the plot, if you want to call it that, to miraculously become interesting. Considering the film was made in 1983 and is set in 1966, when I heard the first Springsteen track play it was obvious the filmmakers were taking some creative license. Featuring some of Springsteen’s best songs worked well within the film and it kept with the Jersey theme, but it wasn’t enough to rescue the dismal film out of the depths of the Delaware River.

Baby It's You
The flaw of the film is that the two main characters are unlikeable. Our main character, Jill, played by Rosanna Arquette, gets courted by a more suave version of a greaser who calls himself Sheik. Sheik (Vincent Spano) dresses to the nines to make up for the fact that he’s pretty much a loser and has daddy issues. For some outrageous reason, he thinks that he’s going to be a singer someday and make something of himself. Shiek’s mom is very sweet and encouraging while his father is tough on him. I didn’t feel bad for Sheik’s home life at all, nor did I have any sympathy for Jill’s situation. Jill seemed to have a perfect situation, she was an above average student who lived with 2 caring parents in a nice house. She aspired to be an actress and she succeeded in high school and college, but not without Sheik proving to be a distraction in her pursuit.

asbury park,new jersey
Get this, Sheik’s aspirations were not to be an actor like Jill, but to be a singer like Frank Sinatra. Now, if he could only actually SING then he’d be headed in the right direction! This guy looked like he would be a crooning version of Tony Manero. His dream is to do a night club show where he lip syncs to songs from Sinatra, Dean Martin, Paul Anka, and others. What kind of a lousy dream is it to lipsync to songs played from a stereo at a night club half filled with old drunk people? The dude winds up working at a club in Florida lip syncing along with songs, not even doing Karaoke. Karaoke singers seem like Pavarotti compared to this guy. If you’re halfway decent at the video game Rock Band then you already have more talent than Sheik! With all his expensive suits helping to play up his image, Sheik was clearly trying to find an identity. Sheik was overcompensating for the fact that he didn’t really have any talent, but knew that he wanted to be a famous singer. It was hard to relate to this character, since it’s easy to realize when you just aren’t cut out for something.
His advances toward Jill were just plain creepy. They didn’t even know each other and he just plopped himself down at her lunch table one day, came on strong, and then wondered why she wasn’t receptive to him. Eventually, Jill falls for this metrosexual bad boy. She agrees to let him take her out. Sheik brings her to a dive bar and ignores her to hang with his friends at a completely different table for the entire night. What a douche! Oh yeah, was there a time when you were allowed to drive on the boardwalk? Or was this another way for him to demonstrate what a badass he is? Shiek was basically the film’s answer to late ’60s guido. Maybe guidos have a license to drive on the boardwalk?

Baby It's You
“The way I figure it, there’s only 3 people in the world that matter. 
Jesus Christ, Frank Sinatra, and Me.” 
– Albert “Sheik” Capadilupo (It’s must be the late ’60s version of GTL)
Sheik had a bad temper. Spano played him like a completely unhinged slimeball, especially when Sheik informs Jill that he got kicked off the basketball team. She tries to get away from him and tells him to leave her alone “Whattya think you’re too f-cking good for me?” he says before launching her school books down the hallway. He throws a fit and hits the locker like an immature little bitch. What’s with this guy? Was this how Jersey Shore would have been in 1966? In a later scene, while looking for Jill, he trashed her dorm room before she returned. After she walks in to see him, Arquette barely shows any feeling of shock that he has just completely trashed her place. “…my stuff” she says in a docile tone. Yeah. That’s what I’d say if I came home to find that my shit was thrown around the room and the place had been totally ransacked. “…my stuff.”

Asbury Park
As you can see, Jill is just plain stupid. Sheik and his pal actually wind up kidnapping Jill and her friend. He grabs them, tosses them in the car, puts a gun to them, and speeds away. Maybe I wasn’t interpreting this scene and the ones that followed correctly, but it seemed like a truly dumbass move for Jill to forgive him after what he did. If I put myself into Jill’s character, I just can’t relate to her, but you can bet your ass that I would NOT continue dating someone who kidnapped me at gunpoint. Crazy bitch!  Is this entire movie just about Jill’s infatuation with “the wrong guy?” How pathetic. At one point, Sheik even bangs one of her best friends!
The theme of the film seems to be “I’ll love you no matter how fucked in the head you are.” With all the emotions that were desperately pleading to be relayed to the viewers, they never come across. It’s a shame because the movie intends to mirror the frustration, confusion, and chaos that makes up a teenagers transition into adulthood. It’s a downer and it fails to convey these feelings because of our lack of sympahty for the two main characters. Their lives aren’t that bad, in fact, they are pretty damn good. After watching the film, the characters seemed like 2 spoiled brats who are bored with their suburban upbringing. They are basically normal teens who are going through the same crap that everyone else goes through. Baby It’s You isn’t sure what it wants to be, but what it does agree on being is a f-cked up love story with some damn good shots of Asbury Park.

Asbury Park
asbury park,new jersey