Ad Jerseum 8: Dear Philly

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!


Dear Philadelphia,

While on a recent NJ Transit train coming back from Penn Station in New York, I noticed this snarky little tourism ad in a poster case at one of the platforms. At first I grew a little defensive (“eh-oh…oh-eh” oh wait, that was Brooklyn) but then I realized to myself, “Hey self, this ad is pretty damn effective!” But don’t think for a second that it makes me want to run out to my car and drive to Philadelphia. The rest of this letter is left in your hands. I’ll lay it out nice and simple – you’ve got two options. There’s the truth, or there is nothing but outright lies.
I DON’T hate Philly. How can anyone possibly hate Philly? It’s the greatest city in the world! I can’t think of a better place to travel than the city where Rocky Balboa hails from. Do you know how many goofy pictures wives take of their husbands running up those stairs?!?! Forget that, what about the good eats? Philly offers one of the most healthy sandwich options, the cheesesteak, which easily puts that doucher Jared and his beloved Subway to shame. Think of all the weight you can lose if you only eat cheesesteaks everyday! And finally, Philly is home to the most famous crack in the world, perhaps even more well known than the butt crack, the crack on the Liberty Bell! Where else would one go to get their fill of brotherly love? Or SOUL? The Philadelphia Soul that is! Everyone knows arena football rocks compared to that second rate sport, REAL football. Walt Whitman bridge, here I come!
I’m definitely not one of those Jerseyans who hates Philadelphia, but I do have my reservations about it. When I was a kid, aside from it’s historical aspect, all I knew of Philly is that the Fresh Prince of Bel Air grew up in West Philadelphia where he chilled, maxed and relaxed (all cool), and shot some b-ball outside of the school. Oh, and there was that song by New Jersey’s icon Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia,”from the film Philadelphia. Bruce singing about Philly didn’t bother me as much as the fact that so many people from South Jersey root for Philly teams. When I notice Jersey people getting hardcore for the Eagles, Phillies, and the Flyers, it makes my skin crawl. There’s so many bars in South and the Western side Jersey that are fully adorned with Eagles paraphenalia, and Philly teams are simply considered “the home team.” Add that to the terrible Pennsylvania accent that many South Jersey people have adopted and you can stop wondering why I do not visit Philly.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of my favorite shows, but who cares, FLIP YOU PHILADELPHIA! And water ice? What the hell is that all about? It’s Italian ice! F-ck off water ice! Nobody cares about you, you don’t even exist to me. You were made up so Philly can brag about having something tasty to eat besides grizzly, artery clogging cheesesteaks. And Jon Bon Jovi’s Soul charity only helps less fortunate families in Philly because he wouldn’t last a second walking around with a film crew kissing his ass in Paterson or Camden NJ.
While creative and offbeat, this ad is merely a feeble attempt at conning Jerseyans into visiting Philly! OK, maybe some of the folks in this state aren’t the brightest in the bunch, but you think using familiar terms like “yous” is going to entice the guidos to hit up all the clubs in Philly? What would they do there? Philly is no place for fist pumpers. Why would you even want them there anyway?


The Sexy Armpit

Film Review: Rocky Balboa: 3 ½ armpits!

Going into the theater to see Rocky Balboa, I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be disappointed. There are so many people I know who have expressed their discontent with Stallone making another installment in his boxing saga. Call me crazy but how can you not like Rocky? I think people need to lighten the fuck up. There isn’t much to hold onto in this world so there’s nothing wrong with going to a movie that will choke you up, make you laugh, and inspire you all at the same time. In his Rocky films, Stallone has had a knack for taking the audience on an emotional journey that culminates with a nail biting, feel-good finale. It’s definitely a formula that works, but some people think that there’s no reason to do another one and that’s the exact theme that runs through this Rocky installment. What’s the point of going back if you’ve proven everything? There’s always something to prove and Rocky VI proves it!

If you’re a fan of even one of these films you’ll enjoy Rocky VI because of its realism. In it, a sports show on TV simulates an exhibition match between Rocky and Mason “The Line” Dixon, the current Heavyweight champion. The thoughts are mixed as to whether Rocky would win or Dixon, so A.J Benza (yes! He plays Dixon’s manager) gets the wheels in motion to get these two in the ring for a Las Vegas Pay Per View extravaganza. I was extremely pleased with how they carried this out in the film because it’s a scenario that might play out in real life. All the events leading up to the match were well done except for one. I left the movie feeling that we should have seen a scene where Dixon finally breaks down and commits to the fight with Rocky. Up until the press conference, we only see Dixon get frustrated with his manager and leave his gym and say he’s going back to his old gym. What made him finally decide to fight Rocky when he was completely against it? I guess A.J Benza is quite a persuader, or it was the big payday.

Adrian has passed from cancer and Rocky now owns a restaurant called Adrian’s in South Philly. This isn’t too far fetched when you think about how many former sports stars own restaurants. He’s got Spider Rico hanging out there reading the bible and washing dishes like a wacky old man. Paulie’s even back and he’s got the funniest lines of the film. It wasn’t a huge role, but Rocky’s son is played by Milo Ventigmilia (Hereos). We can surmise that Rocky has a new love interest and for the creative minds, her son might be the next guy that Rocky trains to be a boxer.

It was nice to see that they bring up all the great boxers such as Muhammed Ali, and Rocky Marciano. This brings Rocky into the real world even though he’s a fictional character but it works wonders to revitalize the story for a newer audience. It makes Rocky more of a legend. I cannot say that I was disappointed in the film in any way. It was entertaining, inspiring, and as always it had an awesome match at the end. The audience clapped for the Mike Tyson cameo, so keep an eye out for it.

One of the parallels in the film was priceless. Punchy, Rocky’s new but truly old dog was written into the script to represent Rocky being an old dog who still has life in him. Who woulda thunk it? Symbolism in a Rocky movie? Totally true. Rocky runs with the dog during the training sequences and it works. Earlier in the movie Rocky explains to “Steps” that even though Punchy is an old dog, if he is treated right, eats right, and has some friendship, he’ll have a lot of good years left in him. This is the crux of the movie. Rocky thought it was over after Adrian died but it wasn’t. He kept fighting and realized that he had a lot of life left in him as well. Great movie.