Martha Stewart is July’s Garden State Playmate

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It was bound to happen. Many of you Sexy Armpit readers knew it was inevitable. It’s finally time to give Nutley, New Jersey’s Martha Stewart the nod. And I say, why the hell not? There’s always room for GILFS on the illustrious list of Garden State Playmates.

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Martha Stewart may have eclipsed Betty Crocker in popular culture. How often is someone you know cooking, or whipping something creative up in the kitchen and you comment “Wow, you’re a real Martha Stewart!” It’s pretty amazing when you realize she was born in Jersey City, NJ. and graduated Nutley High School.

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After a stint modeling and graduating with a double major in history and architectural history, it wasn’t until several years later that Stewart became the crafting, cooking, restoring, and media mogul who we love and/or hate today. Either way, I’m sure you’ll have no problems scarfing down that gourmet meal she makes for you after she shows you several thousand ways of playing hide the sausage.
OK, OK, you got me. Here’s the real reason why Martha Stewart whisked her way into becoming a GSP:

Martha Stewart
SHE MAKES SHARK CUPCAKES! 

Visit this link to Martha Stewart’s website to learn how she made these cool looking Shark and Beach Cupcakes! A perfect way to celebrate Shark Month!

Underwater Shark Tunnels: Will We Ever Learn?

It’s one thing to watch sharks swim around gracefully from afar in a tank, but it’s a totally different story to be almost completely surrounded by them as they fantasize about what’s for lunch. In the name of attracting more people, several aquariums around the country feature walk through shark tunnels. Have we not learned anything from that enthralling cinematic achievement, Jaws 3-D?

As if the 3-D revival craze in the early ’80s wasn’t horrifying enough, JAWS 3-D plainly warned us NEVER to go into any tunnel that looks like THIS:

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It may sound like fun when you’re sitting in front of a movie screen watching Jaws with 3-D glasses on, but when you are actually in the real thing, it’s a very different experience. For those of you who enjoy risking life and limb, The Shark Realm at The Adventure Aquarium in Camden, NJ has a 40 foot, 550,000 gallon shark tunnel that will have you literally handing over your body parts in exchange for the shark’s mercy on your soul.
Something tells me that, eventually, sharks will be the answer to the population problem in the U.S. Anytime one of those ferocious bastards wants to crash through the glass and dine on some dirty Jersey flesh, carnage and utter mayhem could be mere moments away. If you haven’t experienced Dennis Quaid’s tour de force in JAWS 3-D, you better log on to Netflix or order it on Amazon before you head out to your local Aquarium, and because you are missing out on a total shlockfest.

*Read more about Dennis Quaid’s Deep Dark Shark Secret

The Adventure Aquarium also has the option to Swim with the Sharks. You won’t catch The Sexy Armpit doing that anytime soon, but the dude from TLC’s CAKE BOSS had the guts:

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 58: South Jersey Shark Tournament

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South Jersey Shark Tournament Tee available at The South Jersey Marina Web Store

Each year, one of the biggest shark fishing tournaments takes place in the waters near Cape May NJ. In the past few years, winners of the tournament took home prize money in the $300,000 dollar range! Enter next year if you dare, but you have to have a boat, oh…and $525 bucks in registration fees. Instead, why not skip all of the nonsense and frustration of fishing for sharks and just wear the t-shirt commemorating the event like the guy in the picture probably did.

I would have never known there was a shark fishing tournament down in Cape May if I didn’t see this dude walking around a store in Menlo Park Mall. I should have known though, since 2010 marked their 30th tournament! The t-shirt has a badass pirate vibe with two sharks replacing crossbones to form a Jolly Roger, as well as the quote at the bottom: “Ya Gotta Earn Your Bones.” Their official website is www.southjerseytournaments.com.

12 Days of Terror (2004)

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12 Days of Terror can never share the same ocean water as Jaws, but let’s face it, no other films in the genre really can. Directed by Jack Sholder (responsible for some of my horror favorites like Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and Wishmaster 2), 12 Days of Terror, was adapted from a book by Richard Fernicola and chronicles the string of shark attacks that occurred along the Jersey Shore in the summer of 1916. It has been said that these attacks inspired author Peter Benchley to write Jaws. Although they share a similar story, 12 Days of Terror is on a lower scale (“docudrama” on Discovery Channel) and isn’t as thrilling as Jaws, but still provides an entertaining and realistic account of the Jersey shark attacks.

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Rather than center the film around the chief of police, 12 days of Terror focuses on Alex (Colin Egglesfield), a lifeguard at the Jersey Shore. The upcoming summer was to be one of the hottest yet and tons of people were already flocking to the beach and the team of lifeguards had their work cut out for them. After Alex witnesses the first kill and helps pull the victim out of the water, his instincts told him that it was obviously a shark attack. Much like Brody in Jaws, Alex encounters opposition from town officials because they do not want to close the beach. Naturally, they pass it off as an “air torpedo” from the war, or some “freak occurence” and continue with business as usual as not to lose revenue. There were actually some precautions taken, such as having steel fences installed in the ocean in Asbury Park and other shore towns as well as an investigation into shark behavior by The Museum of Natural History in New York City, which was ordered by the U.S government and the State of N.J.

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Claiming 4 lives and badly injuring a young boy, The Jersey Shore attacks were indeed horrible, but they did provide the world with invaluable information on sharks. Up until that point, the nature of the attacks didn’t jive with the existing information available on sharks. It was always thought that a killer shark would never swim near the shore, nor would a shark attack a swimmer. With that school of thought, the beach seemed like the safest place in the world.

Obviously 1916 was a very different time, and the U.S was involved in World War 1. For people who lived close to the Jersey Shore, bathing in the cool ocean was a revitalizing escape from the stress of life, much like a day at the spa is to us now. The film captures the feeling of the novelty in enjoying a day at the beach that will never be replicated. It was the ultimate refreshing getaway. Now that we are bombarded by commercials for online travel agents, and families take numerous exotic vacations per year, to those who live in Jersey, a day at the Shore is totally commonplace. The film brings us back to that simplicity, only to set the stage for the horrific attacks.

12 Days wastes no time, there’s a kill early on in the film. The gore is not excessive but what is shown is very realistic looking, especially when the first victim’s face turns blueish gray from losing so much blood. Later, we see the shark chow down on a lifeguard’s legs, yet there’s still nothing quite as vivid as the scene where Quint gets eaten by Jaws, but the film does offer some thrilling imagery, just in a more subtle way.

The effects in the film weren’t fantastic, but I’m sure the filmmakers did the best they could with the budget they were working with. Close up shots of the shark looked realistic and way superior than those in shark films you might see on say SyFy Channel. If you are the type that always nitpicks films frame by frame, it’s easy to set aside 12 Days’ faults since the shark attacks do not bolster the film the way you might think. The film shows how these attacks effected the landscape at the time and how it made the world rethink it’s previous assumptions about sharks.

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“Are you aware of the fact they’ve had shark attacks here?”

12 Days isn’t all carnage, it also weaves in some dramatic moments as well. There’s a subplot involving Alex’s brother Stanley and his relationship with Alice, the girl who Alex has a thing for too. The Captain (John Rhys Davies) is a ruff, weathered fisherman, in the vein of Quint, who takes Alex on his boat, The Jersey Rose, to seek out the killer shark.

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For a fairly accurate account of the Jersey Shore attacks, 12 Days of Terror is the best film available. There are some documentaries that have been released, but this is an easy watch. I can’t say that it’s exploding with personality or incredibly memorable, but that is mostly because shark films that came after Jaws in 1975 have suffered. And as unfair as it may seem that the blockbuster Jaws was inspired by a summer at the Jersey Shore, it’s true, so when you watch 12 Days of Terror, no matter how hard it is, try your best to momentarily forget that you ever saw Jaws.

*On the DVD bonus features there is a summary of the theory that a Bull Shark, not a Great White, was actually the culprit of at least one or two of the attacks in 1916, because of their ability to live in fresh water.

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NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 57: The Shark 103.7 FM

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The Shark 103.7 FM T-Shirts available at their web site

Rock stations in the New Jersey area have become scarce in the past few years. A decrease in ad revenue has forced format changes and even complete shut downs of several Jersey stations. Major market stations such as 92.3 K-Rock were not exempt from the shift into the iPod generation either. Thankfully, my former station, Jersey’s Rock Station 105.5 WDHA FM, is still proudly playing rock tunes for The Garden State. If you don’t live in the area, luckily you’ll still be able to hear rock music 130 miles south of the WDHA coverage area if you tune into Atlantic City’s The Shark 103.7 FM. After several years of operating as an adult contemporary station, followed by a ’70s format, 103.7 sunk it’s teeth into classic rock. In 2000, WMGM-FM took on the The Shark moniker and hasn’t changed since. You can listen live, at their official website: www.1037theshark.com.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.43: JAWS and Jersey

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With 4th of July weekend upon us, why not escape from your pool parties and bbq’s and watch JAWS! Grab a cold drink, kick back and stream JAWS on Netflix. 35 years since it’s release, Jaws still provides thrilling entertainment. In this scene Brody (Scheider) and Hooper (Dreyfuss) attempt to convince Mayor Vaughn (Murray Hamilton) that he should close down the beach for the 4th of July weekend because of the terror that may ensue. The attacks on the Jersey Shore give validity to their case.

BRODY: “This is a Great White Larry, a BIG one, and any shark expert in the world will tell you it’s a killer, a maneater!”
HOOPER: “Look, the situation is that apparently a Great White shark has staked a claim in the waters off Amity Island and he is going to continue to feed here as long as there is food in the water”
BRODY: “…and there’s no limit to what he’s going to do. I mean we’ve already had 3 incidents. Two people killed inside of a week and it’s gonna happen again, it happened before…The Jersey Beach…”
BRODY and HOOPER: “1916!!! There were five people chewed up in the surf…”
HOOPER: “In one week.”
BRODY: “Tell him about the swimmers.”
HOOPER: “A shark is attracted to the exact kind of splashing and activity that occurs whenever human beings go in swimming, you cannot avoid it.”
BRODY: “You open the beaches on the 4th of July, it’s like ringing the dinner bell for Christ sakes!”

That’s not where the JAWS/Jersey connection ends either! The author of Jaws, Peter Benchley, who had a cameo as a news reporter in the film, worked in Pennington Furnace Supply Co. in Pennington New Jersey during the time he began writing the story of the man eating shark. It is speculated that the Jersey Shore attacks were indeed one of Benchley’s inspirations. In 2006, Peter Benchley passed away in his Princeton, NJ home.

Jersey Shore Shark Attacks in Claymation

YouTube user eastcoaster56 features this extremely creative claymation presentation summarizing the Jersey Shore shark attacks of 1916 on their page. If you enjoyed the California Raisins, and Penny on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, then watch “The True Story of the Matawan Maneater” and let it bring you up to speed.

WELCOME TO SHARK MONTH!

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What if MTV’s Jersey Shore wasn’t about guidos? What if it was about the horrific and devastating string of shark attacks along the Jersey Shore that took place in July of 1916? All month long here at The Sexy Armpit, forget about living every week like it’s Shark Week, we are going full speed ahead into SHARK MONTH! All month long stop by The Sexy Armpit for posts that incorporate New Jersey and Sharks. Think that sounds preposterous? Think again! There will be posts at least 3 – 4 times a week throughout July so we would love for you to come back and enjoy the marathon with us! And if we have any difficulties luring in some Great Whites, Snooki would make perfect shark bait, don’t you think?

Dennis Quaid’s Deep Dark Shark Secret

Sharks are ALWAYS cool. (duh, everyone knows that!) That may sound like a statement uttered by the mouth of a five-year old, but that’s expected when dealing with me. I never claimed to be eloquent, but Sharks ARE cool, and so are coincidences. I’m always trying to discover various correlations between things. It’s fun. Just like some people enjoy baseball and others enjoy throwing a dirty ball that fell on the floor into a cup of piss warm beer and then gulping it down, I like to partake in the art of correlation discovery.

Due to my A.D.D let us abruptly switch gears…to Dennis Quaid. He’s a fine successful actor who hasn’t yet reached his true potential, but his upcoming film, In Good Company, is looking good. But, let’s be real here – what movies come to mind when you think of Dennis Quaid? Innerspace, or his turn as Jerry Lee Lewis in Great Balls of Fire? Unfortunately he’s more well known for his 10 year marriage to Meg Ryan. She bounced on the poor guy, that plastic surgery bitch. Let’s take a quick look at some of his resume: The Big Easy, Frequency, The Rookie, Any Given Sunday, Dragonheart, DOA, The Alamo, you get the point. He’s done plenty of crap, but he makes me wonder, why isn’t this guy a higher caliber Hollywood gun?

My theory is that Quaid has never been forgiven for starring in Jaws 3-D. To all producers and casting directors: Let the guy move on, please! It’s not like he’s got leprecy. He’s a great actor. Come to think of it, maybe he’s the one who is still holding on to the “harpoon.” In the triumphant Jaws 3-D, nothing can eclipse Quaid’s portrayal of Michael Brody. Especially because he’s the hero, and it’s 3-D! Even seeing a 3-D, high tech scif-fi bonanza on an IMAX screen wouldn’t really do much to change the fact that this movie sucked armadillo shit. The film is insanely cheesy. It also stars a hot young bikini clad Lea Thompson (Back to the Future) who Quaid coincidentally met on set and was engaged to for 3 years. Thompson plays Kelly Ann Bukowski, which sounds eerily like Bukake let’s call her Kelly Ann Bukake, shall we?

Jaws 3-D has been unlawfully labeled “garbage” and “really really bad.” It’s almost impossible to not embrace something so bad. It’s apparent the filmmakers didn’t take it seriously and that’s why it’s classic. The reason why the Nightmare on Elm Street films have always been so popular is because they didn’t take it too seriously, especially after it became cliché. Adam West’s version of Batman was camp, but it was completely classic and DAMN YOU if you don’t have a warm place in your heart for camp. Jaws 3-D was supposed to be a serious disaster movie but it obviously was the furthest thing from terrifying.

This third Jaws installment was a desperate attempt to make the series interesting. They opted for the 3-D feature which lacks in effectiveness while watching on basic cable. Quaid doesn’t even like to talk about Jaws 3-D in interviews, almost as if it was a bastard child of his. You never heard about that? Quaid had a kid with a 16 year old semi-retarded albino in North Dakota years ago while still married to Meg Ryan. (No wonder why she dumped him, that skunk!) They named the child…Jaws 3-D!

What Quaid does like to talk about in interviews is his band. It isn’t a coincidence that the band is named Dennis Quaid and THE SHARKS! Now we can plainly see who holds this silly-ass Jaws movie close to his heart. He won’t let on about his true feelings for this movie but it’s all there. Until he shakes his sick obsession with this film, the curse of mediocrity will remain with D.Q. And I didn’t even get started on his brother Randy!