Sharks are ALWAYS cool. (duh, everyone knows that!) That may sound like a statement uttered by the mouth of a five-year old, but that’s expected when dealing with me. I never claimed to be eloquent, but Sharks ARE cool, and so are coincidences. I’m always trying to discover various correlations between things. It’s fun. Just like some people enjoy baseball and others enjoy throwing a dirty ball that fell on the floor into a cup of piss warm beer and then gulping it down, I like to partake in the art of correlation discovery.
Due to my A.D.D let us abruptly switch gears…to Dennis Quaid. He’s a fine successful actor who hasn’t yet reached his true potential, but his upcoming film, In Good Company, is looking good. But, let’s be real here – what movies come to mind when you think of Dennis Quaid? Innerspace, or his turn as Jerry Lee Lewis in Great Balls of Fire? Unfortunately he’s more well known for his 10 year marriage to Meg Ryan. She bounced on the poor guy, that plastic surgery bitch. Let’s take a quick look at some of his resume: The Big Easy, Frequency, The Rookie, Any Given Sunday, Dragonheart, DOA, The Alamo, you get the point. He’s done plenty of crap, but he makes me wonder, why isn’t this guy a higher caliber Hollywood gun?
My theory is that Quaid has never been forgiven for starring in Jaws 3-D. To all producers and casting directors: Let the guy move on, please! It’s not like he’s got leprecy. He’s a great actor. Come to think of it, maybe he’s the one who is still holding on to the “harpoon.” In the triumphant Jaws 3-D, nothing can eclipse Quaid’s portrayal of Michael Brody. Especially because he’s the hero, and it’s 3-D! Even seeing a 3-D, high tech scif-fi bonanza on an IMAX screen wouldn’t really do much to change the fact that this movie sucked armadillo shit. The film is insanely cheesy. It also stars a hot young bikini clad Lea Thompson (Back to the Future) who Quaid coincidentally met on set and was engaged to for 3 years. Thompson plays Kelly Ann Bukowski, which sounds eerily like Bukake let’s call her Kelly Ann Bukake, shall we?
Jaws 3-D has been unlawfully labeled “garbage” and “really really bad.” It’s almost impossible to not embrace something so bad. It’s apparent the filmmakers didn’t take it seriously and that’s why it’s classic. The reason why the Nightmare on Elm Street films have always been so popular is because they didn’t take it too seriously, especially after it became cliché. Adam West’s version of Batman was camp, but it was completely classic and DAMN YOU if you don’t have a warm place in your heart for camp. Jaws 3-D was supposed to be a serious disaster movie but it obviously was the furthest thing from terrifying.
This third Jaws installment was a desperate attempt to make the series interesting. They opted for the 3-D feature which lacks in effectiveness while watching on basic cable. Quaid doesn’t even like to talk about Jaws 3-D in interviews, almost as if it was a bastard child of his. You never heard about that? Quaid had a kid with a 16 year old semi-retarded albino in North Dakota years ago while still married to Meg Ryan. (No wonder why she dumped him, that skunk!) They named the child…Jaws 3-D!
What Quaid does like to talk about in interviews is his band. It isn’t a coincidence that the band is named Dennis Quaid and THE SHARKS! Now we can plainly see who holds this silly-ass Jaws movie close to his heart. He won’t let on about his true feelings for this movie but it’s all there. Until he shakes his sick obsession with this film, the curse of mediocrity will remain with D.Q. And I didn’t even get started on his brother Randy!