A New Jersey Christmas Card by David Price

Mother Armpit found these cards for me when she was out shopping. Don’t moms always find the best stuff? These limited edition cards are 100% sustainable and made in the USA by Allport Cards in Oregon. A portion of the profits from the cards go to charitable causes. In case you were getting jealous, several other states are available as well as other variations such as wine lovers, Shakespeare lovers, etc, but the NJ card is a best seller according to the Allport site. The art by David Price was done with pen and ink on paper and you can check out his other work that appears on cards and towels here.

Maxim Magazine Declares New Jersey “The Most Toxic Place in The U.S”

In Maxim Magazine’s June 2008 issue, Nick Peterson from Akron, Ohio raised a rather amusing question in the Ask Maxim column. The answer made me feel completely validated as to why I’ve dedicated this website to the most contradictory state in the union. The “beautiful” Garden State, is also recognized by the EPA for having the MOST toxic sites in America! 115 in total! What I find hysterical is that I could eventually wind up looking like Melvin Ferd aka The Toxic Avenger pretty soon, considering I live in one of the counties mentioned in the article!

George Carlin: What am I Doing in New Jersey?

On March 25th & 26th, 1988, at the Park Theater in Union City NJ, the eternal KING of comedy George Carlin recorded a special for HBO called What am I Doing in New Jersey? Though it’s not considered his best work, Carlin fearlessly attacked controversial topics head on using his legendary wit and sarcasm. Sure, it’s a 20 year old comedy special, but the ideas Carlin explores and rips on are still fresh and relevant today.


Carlin fiercely kicks the show off with his gripes of Reagan’s government. The Reagan White House vowed to the American people that they’d get government off their backs, but still ’till this day decide what you can read, and what broadcasters can say on the radio. Carlin tore right into the idea of the FCC and how they pointlessly horn in on our 1st amendment right. The bits on Ronald Reagan are obviously dated but if you really wanted to, it’s entirely possible to substitute George W. Bush and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. From there, he blew “right to lifers” out of the water, and did a hysterical bit on Civil War reanactors: “…they should use live ammunition!”


Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:

This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!

Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:

“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”

“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!

“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”

I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”

Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:

how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?

“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”

Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.

In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.

** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.17: NJ’s Commemorative Quarter


For President’s Day, and in honor of the stimulus package getting passed, let’s take a look at currency kicked with a dash of Jersey. According to Wikipedia, in 1997, Bill Clinton signed the 50 States Commemorative Coin Program Act into law. The US Mint honored all 50 states with their own commemorative quarter. The coinage raked in quite a bit of dough for the government just based on collectors alone.

New Jersey’s quarter was the 3rd release in the state quarter series, which wasn’t too shabby. Delaware and Pennsylvania were the only states that preceded the Garden State’s. NJ’s coin features George Washington’s army crossing the Delaware on his way to surprise the Hessians and wreck house in the Revolutionary War. We’ve all seen this before. The reverse side design is inspired by the 1851 Emmanuel Leutze painting Washington Crossing the Delaware. I really thought NJ could’ve sprung to throw an original design on there rather than a painting we’ve been looking at for over 150 years.

According to usmint.gov, this quarter was the first circulating coin to feature George Washington on both sides. (I guess they had no idea that I have GW’s silhouette tattooed on both of my asscheeks.) I find it ridiculous that it took a board of 15 people (descriptively referred to as the New Jersey Commemorative Coin Design Commission) “who were selected for their backgrounds in history, art, and numismatics,” and Christine Todd Whitman all to approve a coin design! Talk about overkill.

For those who aren’t on board with the stimulus package, why don’t you lobby for another set of state quarters, but a series more accurate to modern times? New Jersey’s will obviously feature refineries, toxic swamps, and the Jersey Devil smiling giddily giving a thumbs up. California’s would naturally feature Dutch from Predator puffing on a cigar resting his machine gun on his shoulder as the Hollywood sign rests on the hills behind him. What’s up with New York you ask? Gozer the Gozerian is shooting laser beams right at us from high atop Dana Barret’s apartment building with terror dogs on each side of her. Florida? C’mon that’s a no brainer! Scrooge McDuck. Now I’d buy those for a quarter!

Black Friday Parking Lot Brawl

Black Friday was completely insane. If you never gone out to shop on Black Friday, everything you’ve ever heard about the shopping blitz is true. There’s the sales, the lines forming at 2am, and the crowds rushing into the stores at 5am, but you rarely hear about the battles for parking spaces. I walked over to Woodbridge Center just for shits and giggles and I made my way through the parking lot of Dick’s Sporting Goods. As I weaved through the cars, I overheard what could have become an all out parking lot brawl just a few feet to my left.

GUY #1: “I can’t believe you just cut right in front of me!”
GUY #2: “Oh go fuck yourself!”

No joke, I started to laugh at these two guys because of the preposterous situation that they were in. The Woodbridge Center Mall has about 3,500 EXTRA parking spaces that never get used unless it’s Black Friday. Any other day these two guys would have had their choice but because everyone decides to rush out all at once so they could get their hands on a heavily discounted cutlery set at Macy’s they get into a fight because of a parking spot. This is so lame. I am the first guy to admit that I have a short fuse but America has to check itself into this new 12-step program called CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Really, I attribute my short temper to the fact that we all need one as a defense mechanism nowadays. You never know when someone around you will snap and go ballistic. These two guys need to take a deep breath, step out of the situation and realize that they’ll probably be in the ground in no time if they keep getting so up in arms about stupid shit like shopping. But nothing ever changes during the Holidays, which is the exact time of year that people are supposed to be nice to one another. Isn’t that ironic? I’m going to make it a point to start calming down so I don’t contribute to the ticking time bomb that is our country. It is interesting to note that they both were in their cars. The way I see it, cars and driving give this world a lot of unnecessary stress.

On the stress free side of this Thanksgiving weekend, I managed to make a couple of purchases that were worth noting. More on that next time…