NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 108: Toxie’s Almost 30th Anniversary Shirt

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The always eloquent Darth Vader once said, “It is pointless to resist…” and I’ve proved him right. Early on, there was a time when I tried my very best to look away whenever the horror t-shirt company Fright Rags released a cool new special edition shirt, but within the past few years, they’ve beaten me into submission. There was absolutely no way I could deny some of their amazing limited run shirts, including Friday the 13th, and their KISS inspired KILL tour shirt. Today, I’ll show you one of their most recent tees, an “Almost 30th Anniversary” Toxic Avenger edition.

Fright Rags enlists only the best artists to provide artwork on their t-shirts, but unfortunately I have no idea who the credit goes to for this superb work. This Toxie shirt is a prime example of the high quality and attention to detail that Fright Rags has become synonymous with. I’ve seen and owned so many mediocre shirts with my favorite characters on them through the years and this one blows most of them out of the polluted water.

On the front of the shirt, Toxie stands tall over a river of bubbling chemicals, mop in hand, in front of the American flag and chemical plants in the distance. Two hotties kneel beside him. This is some incredibly dramatic…and smelly stuff. To make it official, the Troma logo is on the back of the tee.

Toxie fans will be delighted and should show their appreciate that Fright Rags paid such an excellent tribute to the Almost 30th anniversary of the FIRST Superhero from New Jersey! At the time of this post, I’ve come to the point where I handed Fright Rags over my bank account information so they can just speed up the process of getting me these masterpieces in the future.

Toxie, Bret “Hitman” Hart, and Alice Cooper All Walk Into A Bar In New Jersey…


The chances of the title of this post happening is higher than it would usually be. You can catch all 3 of these iconic gentlemen in Jersey real soon. Oh, I forgot to mention that when they get to the bar they also run into Debbie Downer from SNL!

SNL alumni Rachel Dratch will be signing her book Girl Walks Into A Bar on April 2nd at Bookends in Ridgewood, NJ.


Next, coming up on April 7th at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, NJ there will be a FREE showing of The Toxic Avenger! The Sexy Armpit will be there to root on Jersey’s first super hero as well. Visit the Count Basie Theatre website for more information.

Also coming soon is the Chiller Theatre pop culture convention at the Hilton in Parsippany, NJ happening April 27th through the 29th. Here you will be able to hob knob with the likes of Alice Cooper, Cathy Moriarty, Robert Loggia, Dean Cain, and perhaps the coolest guest, Dirk Benedict a.k.a Face from the A-Team amongst many others. Tickets are on sale now at the Chiller Theatre site.

And merely a few months away, Minor League Baseball team The Lakewood BlueClaws take on The Hickory Crawdads on June 16th and they’ll be getting some guidance from their special guest in their corner, WWE Hall of Famer Bret “Hitman” Hart. The Hitman will be signing autographs for fans at FirstEnergy Park in Lakewood, NJ. Go to the BlueClaws website to see their schedule and purchase tickets.

Gotham City, NJ?

Gotham City New Jersey

In the 1966 Batman TV series, the Batmobile zooms passed a sign that that says “Gotham City 14 Miles.” As it turns out for us here in New Jersey, that old sign wasn’t lying after all! In this post I will prove that for some outrageous reason, Gotham City is in fact in…(gasp!)… New Jersey!

For the non-fanboys reading this, I can see why you are in disbelief. It’s always assumed that Batman fought crime in a city created in the image New York City, and there’s surely enough evidence of it. But for the writers of DC Comics, having New York City exist in their universe as a separate entity is important. So, at least geographically, Gotham City exists in New Jersey. Although, since we already have The Toxic Avenger, is there enough room for an even more legendary super hero in New Jersey?

Gotham City NJ Drivers License

There’s lots of people out there who will think the idea of Gotham City being in Jersey is utter garbage (pun intended), but aside from the fact that it doesn’t have as many skyscrapers as New York City, nowadays Jersey may be even seedier than Manhattan. Let’s go down the checklist: Corruption, CHECK, Crime, CHECK, Gambling, CHECK, Prostitution, CHECK, murderous villain dressed in clown makeup, well…not necessarily, but I’m sure that can be arranged.

While many of you are flying into a fit of rage, internalizing your anger, and pacing around your home or office upon reading this, we here in New Jersey are rejoicing. A small bit of unimportant DC comics trivia it may seem, but The Sexy Armpit refuses to discard it. To many bat-fans in the most densely populated state in the country, the whereabouts of Gotham City is of prime importance. No matter if you grew up in Bloomfield or Barnegat, any Batman adventure that you acted out as a kid has just skyrocketed in credibility. Batman is our hometown hero!

With sections known as The Bowery, Chelsea, Chinatown, and the East River, it’s painfully obvious that Gotham City wants desperately to be New York City, but New York City will remain its own island. New York already has our football team and gets made fun of a lot less than us so I’d say giving us Gotham City is a more than generous trade.

For more on Gotham City, New Jersey check out these links:

Gotham City on The DC Database

DC Animated Wiki “…in DC Comics current continuity, Gotham City is in New Jersey, north of Atlantic City.”

Toxic Avenger vs. Jason Voorhees by deadhunterkd

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Toxie vs. Jason by deadhunterkd on Deviant Art

Horror buffs pined to see Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash in a Triple Threat Match. Eventually they got their chance in comic book form, but even as a huge horror fan I was never too interested in seeing Ash take on Freddy and Jason. I was actually left quite satisfied with the 2003 film, Freddy vs. Jason. It never seems to get much credit, but it stands up nicely with the rest of the respective films in each series. That was a feat considering it was made basically 10 years after the final films in the Freddy and Jason series (except Jason X).

After Freddy vs. Jason, there isn’t much more ground to cover. As the character of Freddy trades down to being inhabited by a new actor in the upcoming reboot of Nightmare on Elm Street, Jason is left scratching his hockey mask with his machete. Who better to face off with Camp Crystal Lake’s Jason Voorhees than New Jersey’s own superhero, The Toxic Avenger? As previously detailed at The Sexy Armpit here and here, the Friday the 13th series has several ties to the Garden State, so this sounds like a dream match to me! Of course, when you bring Lloyd Kaufman’s Toxie into the equation, there’s bound to be comedy involved, which works perfectly because Jason is usually the straight man. Imagine the possibilities? We may have the first Abbott and Costello of the horror genre on our hands.

Notice how Toxie sort of looks like Jason without his mask on? At the very least, I’d love to see this play out in a late night HBO animated movie or an online comic book mini series. Who do you think would win this freakish face off?

Mike Bock’s Toxic Avenger

The incomparable artist Mike Bock is actually one of us. According to his bio, his interests include MOTU, GI Joe, TMNT, Thundercats and Wrestling! Among the various He-Man and Thundercats pieces that he has done, his brilliant creative powers also discharged The Toxic Avenger, New Jersey’s only Super Hero!

Mike Bock's Toxic Avenger
You can check out an extensive collection of Mike Bock’s cartoonish creations 
at his Deviant Art site: http://mikebock.deviantart.com/

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 9: Bikinis or Wife Beaters?


Male Sexy Armpit readers will most likely cast their vote for BIKINIS, but don’t count Wife Beaters out so quickly in this match up. Sure it’s a nice visual to think about a blazing hot day at the Jersey shore watching a smoking hot Jersey girl make her way out of the crystal blue water, OK maybe not so much crystal blue as it is murky green, but you catch my drift. Of course it’s not like watching Ursula Andress slither out of the water in Dr. No, but it’s the closest we come to that kind of sex appeal here in a state blanketed with toxic waste. It’s a miracle all the girls at the shore aren’t popping out of the water looking like mutated 3-eyed zombies. Perhaps it’s the fact that we have some decent women in this state that they’re all so proud of themselves that they’re “Jersey girls?” Instead of bragging about being Jersey girls why don’t they just say “Yay! we’re not mutants!” that’s what the t-shirts should be saying.

Without hesitation the choice between Bikinis and Wife Beaters would be a no brainer, but once you disassociate the wife beater from the greasy fat guy on the couch eating chicken, then we have ourselves a contest. Believe it or not, the Guinea Tee or A-Shirt as it’s known, can also look good on a woman! No shit you say? Just erase all the bad memories of hairy backed slimeballs who have given these useless styled undershirts a bad name. Hell, they gave these shirts such a bad name that their inclination for domestic abuse snowballed into becoming a widely accepted nickname for the shirts. So before you completely lose all hope for the regulation jersey for men who beat their wives, think about the lovely, doting wife with big boobs posing ever so innocently in a semi-see-through wife beater for their cold, uncaring husband. Her headlights are on and all they want is some attention, can’t we just give them that? Ahh, Who the f–k am I kidding? BIKINIS!!!

This week, the fine T-shirts pictured above are available through BurnTees.com where they offer all kinds of funny and sarcastic New Jersey themed shirts in addition to a host of others. Check them out!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 3: Wedding Daze


In the criminally overlooked movie Wedding Daze, aka The Pleasure of Your Company, 2006 Ted (Michael Weston) is damn proud to wear his “I Lost My Ass in Atlantic City” shirt. I know what you’re saying right now “But Jay, he’s wearing a 3/4 sleeve, how could you possibly include this in a column that strictly spotlights T-Shirts?” And to that I say, very eloquently, “Give me a f–king break! The title of the column would sound stupid if it were just NJ Shirt Tuesday.” Boy, alliteration is really special, isn’t it?


Wedding Daze is written and directed by Michael Ian Black, who also played a major part in this evening’s Reaper finale. SAVE REAPER! (I’m going to need some alone time, I’m in mourning). I’m a big fan of Michael Ian Black’s writing and stand up, and I’m surprised it’s taken so long for me to finally see this film. I remembered to add it to my Amazon shopping cart and I’m glad I did. Daze stars Jersey boy Jason Biggs, the adorable Borat wife Isla Fisher, Rob Corddry, Hoboken, NJ native Joe Pantoliano (Joey Pants if you’re from Jersey), and Toxic Avenger: The Musical alumni Audra Blaser.

If you haven’t seen it, this is one of those films that flies under the radar but is eons better than any romatic comedy released in the past couple of years. This is one that you AND your girl will enjoy. As an added bonus, some scenes in the movie were were filmed in Atlantic City, NJ.

If you’re still skeptical about seeing it, I’ve got 3 words for ya: The Jewla Hoop!

The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack Review

Right this second in New Jersey, 2 miles away from Tromaville in fact, I sit atop an old hazardous chemicals canister that doubles as my computer desk in the toxic dumping grounds (it was empty, but thanks for your concern). I’ve been experimenting in my lab. No, I’m not trying to discover a cure for Toxie’s grossness, but I am trying to find out if the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical holds up after multiple listens. In order to figure this out, I’ve been alternating between blasting it’s songs for a few minutes then immersing the disc in mass quantities of green chemicals. After all, the theme of the musical is “be green,” right? Ohhhh, they meant, like, the environment and stuff? Well, if I discover the CD is that good, I’ll never have to throw it away, hence making LESS GARBAGE in New Jersey! It’s a win-win!

Not to be a blowhard, but I was lucky enough to review The Toxic Avenger Musical when it premiered in New Brunswick, NJ (click here for the review). After the show, the tunes wouldn’t leave my head for the rest of the night. Seriously, from a guy’s point of view, plays and musicals don’t seem to appeal to us as much as they do to girls. Personally, I enjoy going to a play once in a while like Rock of Ages, and even though not the studliest of musicals, Chicago. It really isn’t too bad, but how many guys do you know that would drive around town in their vehicle with their windows down blasting “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three” from A Chorus Line? For those who don’t want to risk it, they can feel A-OK about popping in the Original Cast Recording of The Toxic Avenger Musical.

Be advised that this is not some half assed rip off of the Troma classic, The Toxic Avenger. Unlike The Wedding Singer, and Legally Blonde, this is a sharply written, hallucinogenic, metaphorical, musical comedy. Now let’s see what David Bryan and Joe DiPietro can create with that mound of descriptions! It’s likely whatever they come up with wouldn’t be able to go face to sludge with the outlandish fun they’ve created for the soundtrack to the Toxic Avenger Musical.

“Everything oozes.”
“It’s never the same pus from one moment to the next.”

Sounds like it might be some dialogue from a song on The Toxie Musical Soundtrack, right? WRONG! It’s actually some dialogue from Waiting for Godot, the play you WON’T have to go see if you can convince your girlfriend to STAY HOME and listen to the Toxic Avenger soundtrack that you ordered. Trust me, this will work if you promise to act out Toxie’s parts! (Just get a mop and glue some green jello to your face, you’ll be fine.) Now this is more like it:

“There’s a place between heaven and hell, don’t need a map just follow the smell…a place filled with filthy air…a place filled with dark despair… A place called New Jersey! New Jersey….The Garden State.”

“There’s an exit called the 13B, right off the Turnpike where it smells just like pee…” To the rare breed of people who actually defend NJ from it’s constant pop culture persecution, this stuff is bittersweet, immortal poetry. Finally, these heartwarming sentiments have permanently etched their way into Broadway! So, Suck it New York City! haha. The words of the songs may seem elementary at first listen, but at least you won’t have to use an iPhone app to decipher the meanings of the songs. The easily relatable ideas of physical freakishness and pollution are two themes the soundtrack imaginatively evokes.

Creating fumes for Toxie as his blind love interest is Sarah, played by Sarah Chase. Put away your hatred of blind jokes for “My Big French Boyfriend,” and share Toxie’s level of cloud 9 gratification as he sings “Thank God She’s Blind” in appreciation of Sarah’s embrace of his hideousness. These pop rock tunes, although fluffy at times, still retain a dramatic tone. “Hot Toxic Love” can be considered the musical’s equivalent to Bon Jovi’s “Always” if it was turned on it’s head, shoved into a garbage can, and submerged in bright, bubbling, green slime.
Without relying on any visuals, Toxie’s tune “Kick Your Ass,” will empower you. This track follows Melvin Ferd after he is “reborn” as Toxie, a hulking hero that could er…excuse the redundancy, “kick ass.” Now, every time I hear “Kick Your Ass,” or any number of combinations, such as kick ass, kick his ass, kick my ass, or kick your mother’s ass, I hear the awesome rap rock stylings of “Kick Your Ass.” “I’m gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!” I can keep singing it for at least 3 more minutes and then I’ll just sound like a total douche, especially because I’m alone, but you get my point. It’s infectious. What? You’re saying it’s NOT infectious? Now I’m really gonna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick your ass!
As The Mayor of Tromaville, Nancy Opel’s zesty stage performance, and her unbelievably elastic singing voice ensure a long life for the musical. On “Jersey Girl” (complete with Bruce and Bon Jovi references) and “Evil is Hot,” Opel easily shines as the standout performer in the show. If you don’t believe me, the proof is burned by lasers into the CD! In just a couple of her signature moments, Opel plays dual roles and also utters the line “these two breasts can be yours, you can’t buy them in stores, go ahead take a bite!” How’s that for an opening line? But the moment that tops them all is when she belts out the endearing ditty, “Bitch/Slut/Liar/Whore.” When you’re playing this track for your girlfriend you can go into the nuances of Opel’s performance. Tell your girlfriend that this track truly displays Opel’s wide range of talent and at the same time it’ll also allow you to say “YOU WHORE!” without getting in trouble. In other words, this song has a built in “get out of jail free” card. Go ahead, feel free to sing it with me! “You Whoooooore!” See honey? You just have to appreciate the subtlety!
The CD saves the best for last. If the NJ Tourism commission had a copy of the soundtrack to The Toxic Avenger Musical they would easily forgo Bon Jovi’s “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?” for “A Brand New Day in New Jersey.” The upbeat finale to The Toxic Avenger Musical rouses the audience into a standing ovation with every performance.
As for my aforementioned research, here are my scientifically authoritative findings:
If you find yourself singing songs from Rocky Horror while making your morning coffee “…I was just seven hours old…” then you will surely enjoy The Toxic Avenger soundtrack. It’s music is daring, especially in a modern musical climate suffocated with dance pop crap and poorly written, overproduced, hip-hop. You’ll hear clever lyrics that will surely give you a laugh regardless of what exit you are on the Turnpike. Even though Toxie has gone onto bigger venues (The New World Stages in New York City), and left NJ in the dust, you can still experience the songs! Great news,”You can breathe now in New Jersey, so you won’t catch cancer and die!” And there’s “no more garbage in New Jersey, cause we dump it in Vermont!” Thank you Toxie, NJ is no longer polluted and blanketed with fumes! You’ve made it safe for us to inhale!
The original cast recording of The Toxic Avenger is produced by David Bryan of Bon Jovi.
In addition, the CD also contains “You Tore My Heart Out,” a bonus track performed by David Bryan. The CD will be released on May 5th. You can order it here, and on iTunes!
New World Stages
340 West 50th
New York, NY 10019