The Sexy Armpit’s Christmas Excursion Into The Ice Caverns


It seems like the post Halloween blues affect me longer with each passing year. I get into a weird lackadaisical funk where I have no energy or motivation for anything. Who knows, it could be seasonal affective disorder or it’s just the fact that my favorite time of the year has come to an end only to make way for frigid temperatures and darkness before 5pm. Winter sucks…except for Christmas, of course. Yet, as deeply immersed as I always get into the holidays, sometimes my Christmas spirit needs a little kick in the ass. I’m sure you can relate. Around here, there’s so many opportunities to send a surge of cheer into my veins, and after some minimal research online, I found a place that I knew would make me feel like I just visited Kris Kringle’s condo in the North Pole.


“Home of the Christmas Ice Caverns”
It’s clearly their bread and butter because I don’t know how many people 
are clamoring for King Neptune statues nowadays.

I couldn’t go this one alone because I had a feeling it would be too good not to share with friends. Dinosaur Dracula happened to be in the mood for a cup of cheer (a.k.a Tequila), so we brought the ladies and I drove up to Fairfield, NJ. We were all going into this blind. None of us had been to The Ice Caverns before, nor did we even know much about it. I had read stuff about it online for the past couple of years, but considering it was inside of a place called Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center, I had my doubts and never made it out for it. To my surprise, this has been a well known Christmas tradition around the state since 1967, but by the time I muster up the motivation for excursions like this, Christmas is usually over.


After having to pull a couple of u-turns on Route 46, we parked and took in the surroundings. The exterior was interesting to say the least and we knew we were in for a real treat. The building looked like it was from the ’70s. Between the Christmas tree and shrub emporium next door, and the crazy statues all around, it all looked like a giant mish-mosh of retro insanity adorned in Christmas lights. Man, I already want to go back.


We didn’t even enter the building yet and Matt and I were already calling dibs on what quarter ride-on machines we were each going to spotlight. My intensity and the guttural noises emanating from my body regarding the Flintmobile seen here were not only obnoxious and loud, but made everyone shy away from me like I was a crazy person.


Maximum mark-out for the Flintmobile. After spending $250 dollars on what I thought was a simple trip for an oil change earlier that day, I had a bunch of other stuff I needed done and situations like that make me fantasize about riding to work in a car that absolutely cannot break down unless stepped on by a dinosaur and that vehicle is definitely The Flintmobile. Plus, if I had one I could quit my gym because I’d be getting a badass workout at the same time, but I’d show up at work like a sweaty disgusting mess. Scratch that idea, I’ll just snap the picture.


Making our way inside, our brains were bombarded with a bevy of Christmas decorations, trees, ornaments, dolls, and knick-knacks of all kinds spread over 10,000 square feet. That was all good, but just like in The Goonies, I felt like yelling “Where’s the gold Mikey!” I wasted no time asking the cashier impatiently “Which way to the Ice Caverns?” I was getting such a good feeling about what we were in for. It almost felt like the moments before going on an old rickety dark ride that is so classic it can’t be beat, even by todays standards.


Admission was reasonable, only about $3 bucks per person, a bargain in New Jersey. Even with that kind of pricing I still found their giant reprinted old school style Christmas coloring books to be way overpriced at nearly $20 bucks!


Originally, upon reading about a store that featured an intricate Christmas display, what I pictured in my mind was puny in comparison to the enchanting, vintage scenes they conjured up here at the Ice Caverns. Think old school department store windows, but made into a Christmas walk through attraction that will infuse you with more Christmas vibes than you can ever ask for. It’s basically an orgy of vintage Christmas ambiance, animatronics, lights, and Santa isn’t even the kicker! There’s one ultra-amazing window in particular that nunchucked its way into our hearts.


There’s a group of pizza loving amphibious creatures that live down in the sewer and know some fancy ninja moves, you know who I’m talkin’ about, right? That’s right, our friends the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had their very own custom made Christmas themed window scene, and folks, it was incredible. They called it a “Cowabunga Christmas.” In the scene, The Turtles all had Santa hats on and were set up in a sewer lair scene and were decorating for Christmas. Raph is dressed as Santa while Michelangelo balanced a pizza on top of his head. This was truly a Christmas miracle.

On the way to get some food afterwards, I commented on how the Turtles looked homemade and Matt made the good point that they had to have been leftovers from back in the early ’90s because they definitely looked like they were based off the movie Turtles. Either way they looked fantastic.

There were other awesome things about the Ice Caverns and our other exploits that night and I’m fairly certain you’ll be hearing about a few of the key ones over at Dinosaur Dracula very soon!


This is one of those quirky places that New Jersey is known for. We have so many of them that it’s easy to let them slip through your fingers. Hell, I didn’t even know about this place until recently and I’ve lived here my whole life. There are about 100 other obscure places like this around our state and thanks to blogs and podcasts they are getting a lot more buzz than ever. People like us, the nostalgia buffs and the pop culture freaks, we feed on places like this. This is the perfect day trip for kids as well as adult kids like me. The Ice Caverns will surely make you drool, but your drool will taste like peppermint of course and you’ll go home with your Christmas spirit jacked up to the highest degree.

The Ice Caverns are located inside of:
Jody’s Silk Florist and Patio Center in Fairfield, NJ

Ninja Turtles New Jersey Art and Thoughts On The New TMNT Movie

Artist and New Jersey lover Scott Modrzynski of Mojo’s Work, has quite and interesting life story. You can check it out for yourself, but he’s got a ton of love and respect for New Jersey AND The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, two forces combined and strikingly illustrated in his TMNT/New Jersey art featured here. What a killer combo from Scott! He’s got so much more at his site with his NJ Badass series which are mash-ups of our state AND characters like Deadpool, Scooby Doo, Mario & Luigi, Superman, and Spiderman just to name a few! Now, onto my thoughts on the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, in theaters now.

Don’t call this a comeback. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been here for years and haven’t really ever gone away. Nickelodeon grabbing full rights to the property a few years ago has been a dream for fans. Since the latest cartoon series premiered, and now the new feature film is hitting theaters, we’re in the midst of Turtle fever all over again with new toys, special edition sodas and perhaps the most logical, pizza tie-ins.

Michael Bay has modified a few details of the Turtles here and there, most notably, the look of our beloved pizza devourin’, Foot Clan fightin’ Turtles. What scares me is that regardless of what true die-hard Turtles fans feel about this film, if it does big business at the box office, which, from a curiosity standpoint it’s basically guaranteed to, Bay’s alterations will probably stick around for the long run.

Very early on, well before critics actually saw this film, I was put off by promotional photos and rumors. Now that people are finally seeing it and tweeting such flat, lackluster feedback about the movie, I’m even less compelled to go to the theater to see it. I can wait for this one to hit Redbox. Meanwhile, I’ll watch my DVDs of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film from 1990 which remains one of the best movies of the superhero genre as well as The Secret of the Ooze which is still badass too!

I remember seeing the 1990 original in the theater as well as the sequel, and I enjoyed both films immensely. The only minor issue I had with the original was the casting of April O’Neil. From a performance standpoint I had no complaints about Judith Hoag, but I couldn’t help feeling that there was a more appropriate actress for the role.

At the time, the ’80s were still lingering around and a logical choice for April would’ve been an actress who starred in one of the quintessential kids movies from the ’80s. I always felt that Jersey’s own, Kerri Green, who played Andi in The Goonies, would’ve been an awesome April O’Neil. If anything, she would’ve embodied the cartoon April perfectly. Think about it. This leads me to the hotly debated issue of Megan Fox. Stunt casting at its best.

Having Angelina Jolie shoved down our throats for so many years was always a similar topic of discussion for me. I was never so crazy-obsessed with Jolie from a physical standpoint nor was I ever seduced by any of her films. Conversely, Megan Fox is super hot and it’s a near fact that her acting ability is not on par with other actresses of her age range, but admiring her (not her wacky thumbs) might be the lone reason for me eventually giving Ninja Turtles a watch.  

Admittedly, I was even a fan of TVs The Next Mutation when it first aired, mainly because it was cool to see a live action offshoot of the TMNT movies, no matter how Power Rangers-esque it was. Judging by what I’ve seen and heard about the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, I might just be better off watching my bootlegs of The Next Mutation this weekend!

Head over to our friend The Sewer Den to read his expert opinion on the 2014 Ninja Turtles film:

TMNT Record Holders, Rutgers, Ousted


Eons ago in 2008, Nawal Qarooni of posted the news that Rutgers students broke the Guiness World record for the largest public gathering of people dressed as Ninja Turtles. RU had mega turtle power that night with 748 students parading around as their favorite Ninja Turtle. The legion of students got together and ate pizza and exchanged Turtle talk. Up until April 2008, when the passionate Ninja Turtles fans of Rutgers gathered at the Piscataway NJ campus, the record was a paltry 200 people!

As much as it sounds like total silliness, it’s not. The rules for applying for a Guiness record are no joke! Rutgers had to pass thorough an intense application process and also had to have a representative from the Middlesex County jail system on site to verify that the signatures of participants were accurate. The event also had to last longer than 15 minutes and needed to be documented with video and photographs.

Even a huge surge of Jersey style Turtle Power couldn’t last forever. On March 17th, 2012, the Rutgers record was broken at the grand opening of the Shell Shock Ride at Nickelodeon Universe in Minnesota’s The Mall of America. This gathering brought together 836 people of all ages dressed as Ninja Turtles. For more on the new record holder visit Ninja Pizza at this link.

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 32: The Secret of the Ooze

new jersey,bayonne

If you’re looking for toxic sludge in order to transform a wolf and a turtle into two monstrous mutants, then look no further than Bayonne, NJ! There’s plenty of ooze here thanks to the work of Techno Global Research Industries, or TGRI, a company who, for 15 years, has been dumping their noxious waste in Jersey no less. I guess they figured, “Why not dump it in Jersey? Oh sure, the state is filled with garbage anyway, so bury it over there!”

“…Reporting live from Bayonne, New Jersey, this is April O’Neil, Channel 3 News, back to you…”

This wasn’t just any ordinary waste, it was chemical ooze that could mutate anything into a jumbo version of itself. Unlike all the spam e-mails you get, this stuff could actually work miracles for a certain male appendage or even females with negative A cups. The only drawback is that after you lather up in it, you’d probably have to live the rest of your life ridiculously ripped and grow to 10 or 11 feet tall. If you’re cool with that and you have some sort of Guiness Book of World Records freak fetish, then by all means, go to Bayonne and find yourself some ooze! Just a warning though, you may have to dig through some of the alien carcasses that appeared in 2005’s War of the Worlds.


In an attempt to improve the company’s public image, TGRI tries to clean up much of the waste they have buried through the years of ecological incompetence. This ruise is not much different than some campaigns rolled out by many high profile companies in the last several years to “go green.” It’s common for companies to exploit the angle that they are being conscious of the environment to cover up a lot of their other shady operations. Just think, without this ooze, yeah maybe we wouldn’t have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but more importantly, we wouldn’t have Tokka and Rahzar!

At one point, as he’s being in interviewed by April O’Neil, Professor Jordan Perry (David Warner) even claims the sludge was non toxic! Oh yeah…of course. It was as non toxic as Crayola crayons! I don’t think so! Can you ever trust the man known as the voice of Ra’s al Ghul? I think not Detective…

Mutated giant dandelions, now do you understand why we’re called The Garden State?

Mike Bock’s Toxic Avenger

The incomparable artist Mike Bock is actually one of us. According to his bio, his interests include MOTU, GI Joe, TMNT, Thundercats and Wrestling! Among the various He-Man and Thundercats pieces that he has done, his brilliant creative powers also discharged The Toxic Avenger, New Jersey’s only Super Hero!

Mike Bock's Toxic Avenger
You can check out an extensive collection of Mike Bock’s cartoonish creations 
at his Deviant Art site:

TMNT’s Jersey Devil

Naturally the JERSEY DEVIL would be found
in the back of a DINER, another thing Jersey is famous for!
Nickelodeon’s recent purchase of the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has excited me quite a bit. I’m hoping to see the Turtles return to their fun, pizza eating ways again. The heroes in a half shell provided the best entertainment when they were all about “duuude” and “cowabunga.” I understand that the Turtles were originally conceived to be darker and edgier, but I was introduced to them in cartoon form in 1987. I’ll take Shredder, Krang, and Bebop and Rocksteady any day. F-ck it, give me Venus De Milo too. I’m cheesy, I know.

Even though I’m a sucker for animation and rubber costumes, 2007’s TMNT offered three things that the other Turtles films didn’t. One of my favorite actresses, Sarah Michelle Gellar, as April O’Neil, as well as cameos by Kevin Smith and the Jersey Devil! My only complaint is that Corey Feldman didn’t voice Donatello!
When Raphael goes out on the town as the Nightwatcher, he winds up in a pier 6 brawl with the Jersey Devil in the back of a diner. The Jersey Devil happens to be one of the 13 monsters unleashed by Max Winters in the film. As they wrestle around the kitchen, Big City Rock’s version of “Black Betty” blares in the background.

Leave it to a pint sized, excitable creature from New Jersey to start a fight with a mutant turtle that’s 3 times his size. During the scuffle, Raph referred to JD as a “hermit crab,” which is an accurate description of this interpretation of the legendary monster from the Pine Barrens. Although it is likely the tiny creature you see in this film is intended to be the same Jersey Devil who hangs out in the woods of southern New Jersey, there is no official reference to it in the movie.

Before TMNT was released, I thought it was destined to be one of my future favorites. After seeing it in the theater on opening night, I left wishing it was less serious and more like the ’80s cartoon series. It seemed like a huge win for fans of the original comic book with its grittier action and dose of drama. The film looks visually outstanding but lacks the ‘toonish charm of the ’80s TV series. Back when the cartoon first aired, I was embarrassed to admit that I liked it since I felt that I was not only passed the appropriate age for being a Turtles fan, but also that I was a staunch Bat-fan. Teenaged turtles who knew martial arts, skateboarded, and ate pizza seemed like a lampoon in comparison to a dark, serious, brooding detective. Regardless, I watched the show every day, especially in the mornings when I ate my cereal.
The recent animated TV incarnation of the Turtles left me unfulfilled. Instead, the ’80s cartoon style of the Turtles appealed to me more. Aside from its excellent aspects, the 2007 TMNT film did a fantastic job of capturing a nice mix of the various character styles, but in film form I still prefer the live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films.
*Check out Thomas Perkins blog, the man who originally designed the character of the Jersey Devil for the TMNT film!

Novelty Nosh: Ninja New York Japanese Restaurant


If being served sushi by a waiter dressed as a Ninja is on your list of things to do before you die, then you need to visit Ninja New York. No, Ninja New York is NOT a ninjutsu academy that trains you to be part of the Foot Clan, but it IS a Japanese restaurant in downtown Manhattan. It’s unique atmosphere makes you feel like you’re walking through dark, ninja infested alleyways in Japan. Keep your eyes peeled and always look over your shoulder because you never know when a stealth Ninja will sneak up on you.

Japanese music, dim lighting, and cavernous walls help create the ambiance. Upon entering the restaurant you’re welcomed into a descending elevator with gradually dimming lights. After a ninja surprise, you must choose whether to take the normal path or the shortcut. From there, each group or couple is seated at a table in their own little cove where they are greeted by a Ninja waiter who tends to your every whim. Be careful though, because those whims are pretty damn expensive! The prices are fairly steep but you’ll most likely be going for the experience rather than the food. Do you go to Medieval Times for the food? Hell no! You go to root on your knight, get your hands greasy, and drink some beer.

Even though from a culinary aspect, the food is masterfully prepared, beautifully presented, and very flavorful, I still left unimpressed with the cuisine considering the prices. If you choose to order one of their multi-course, price fixed meals, then you could be spending anywhere from $50 – $200. Compared to some other ritzy places in Manhattan, that’s actually getting off cheap. Ordering one of the price fixed meals will provoke a ninja to come to your table and do some sort of trick. We had one ninja create a spark that lit one of our friend’s dinner on fire. In fear of having my face burned off, I opted for a few selections from the ala carte menu.

Here’s what I ordered:

The Spicy Tuna Roll consisted of “tuna and tobiko mixed in a spicy sauce and cucumber rolled in rice cubes.” The rolls were not traditional spicy tuna rolls, which disappointed me. Certain foods can be “reimagined” or modified, but please don’t f–k with spicy tuna rolls. If they look and taste different, give them a new name! I give the chefs credit for creativity but, unlike Barack Obama, spicy tuna rolls are not ready for change. Don’t mess with a successful formula. Your local sushi place most likely has better tasting, less fancy, and surely less expensive sushi. That’s the way to go if you’re just out to grab sushi.

The Creamy Shrimp is a “Chinese style battered fried shrimp mixed with a creamy mayonnaise sauce combined with condensed milk and dry gin, sprinkled with cashew nuts and coriander leaves.” The sauce that the shrimp was drenched in was delicious, but the texture of the shrimp was kind of creepy. It seemed as if the shrimp was only halfway cooked, so it had a very soft, mushy texture. This entree would’ve been perfect if the shrimp was more firm.

Choco Wasabi Salmon was “grilled salmon served with wasabi honey sauce decorated with basils.” Just like my shrimp, I enjoy my salmon to have some firmness. In firmness levels, the salmon was like a bean bag chair when it should’ve been a Tempur-Pedic mattress. This salmon could’ve taken some lessons from a Tuna Steak. MAN UP YOU STUPID LIMP SALMON! The sauce that it was bathing in had a very deep flavor but was overpowered by struggling sweet and salty flavors. There wasn’t much trace of the wasabi flavor either.

Ninja New York is an excellent novelty restaurant, and perfect for a night out with a group of friends. It offers a superior atmosphere and great service. Pay a visit for the experience rather than it’s Japanese fare. I would’ve enjoyed my selections more if they weren’t as fancy schmancy. I could also do without the cameo from the magician before dessert. I despise that almost as much as having a girl come over to my table to make balloon animals.
25 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10013

The Most Embarrassing Songs on My iPod

Everyone’s bound to experience one of those “uh-oh” moments if an embarrassing song starts playing on your iPod. Picture it, you’re rolling down the main street of your town, windows down, iPod on shuffle mode, and you have your friends in the car. Right after rocking out to “Welcome to the Jungle,” you hear the beginning chords of “Sexy Boy” the Shawn Michaels’ theme song or the Native American war chant that kicks off Tatanka’s theme song. Some of you may not even realize that they’re both WWE theme songs and in that case you may sidestep some shame. Although, you have to admit that at least a little part of you would squirm in your seat a bit.

How about when your iPod segues from Rob Zombie’s “Superbeast” right into “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston? It’s totally cool to have Whitney on your iPod, especially if its one of her big hits, but when you’re in the car with a bunch of guy friends, and at the very least trying to act cool, your attempts are murdered by the sweet sound of synthesizers. You can win people over with goofy favorites like Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go,” but if their song “Freedom” comes on then your stock descends faster than the Delorean running low on plutonium. (pre-Mr. Fusion of course)

Having your friends ask you to unlock their car doors so they could tumble out while you’re still driving is a possibility if they hear you have the Baywatch theme song on your iPod. Whereas “Break the Ice” by John Farnham from the Rad soundtrack will actually give you street cred with those “in the know.” It’s possible to save yourself when a song comes on that the person doesn’t know but you’ll have to have a good enough story and reason for giving it the push to your almighty iPod. Here’s some examples: You can be forgiven for having Winger’s “Seventeen,” since it’s fun and nostalgic, but once you start digging into their catalog and “Out for the Count” from Karate Kid 3 comes on, then there’s not much that can save you at that point. Don’t let me forget “California” by Phantom Planet. It’s not really the song’s fault as much as it’s what I do when I’m listening to it. I reminisce about scenes from the O.C in a blurry, dramatic, tear-laden montage in my mind. I’ll dig deeper for you as I present a compendium of some of the most embarrassing songs on my iPod:

The Oompa Loopa Song from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
WWE Songs – The Boogeyman theme “Im the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get you!” and
Land of a Thousand Dances
Play That Funky Music by Vanilla Ice – Shit, how is it that you’re the life of the party if you play “Ninja Rap,” but you may as well crawl into a kitchen cabinet if “Roll ‘em Up” comes on.
Skeet Surfin’ by Nick Rivers/Val Kilmer – Top Secret Soundtrack
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song – Even though they’re the world’s most fearsome fighting team, you’re friend’s cut you no slack. Just hearing this theme emerge from a segue will always illicit some sort of heckle, so you’re lucky if you’re in the car with a fellow fan boy. That date of yours sure won’t be impressed that you’d rather listen to theme songs of old cartoons rather than Ne-Yo or Rhianna.
Other TV Theme Songs – Muppet Show, Charles in Charge, Mr. Belvedere, Perfect Strangers, Pee wee’s Playhouse Theme by Ellen Shaw (Cyndi Lauper). An interesting fact is that the Saved by the Bell theme song is always an overwhelming cross gender favorite.
King Tut – Steve Martin It’s a very funny song, but trying to hustle it to someone who’s never heard it proves challenging.
I’m Breathless songs inspired by the film Dick Tracy by Madonna Depending on your company in the car this album was obviously more embarrassing than Swept Away and Shangai Surprise combined.
Video Game Theme Songs – The magical songs from Alex Kidd in Miracle World make you come off like a real geek but you can get away with songs from Out Run because they sound like some underground new wave revival band from NYC. You can’t go wrong with the Super Mario brothers theme.
I Wanna Have Some Fun – Samantha Fox
Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? by Rod Stewart – I don’t care, I still love it.
Hot Rod Hearts – Robbie Dupree
Give it To Me Baby – Rick James
Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy and Rick James
Bruce by Rick Springfield here Rick talks about how he gets mistaken for “The Boss.”
Dancing In Heaven (Orbital Be-bop) by Q-Feel, Girls Just Want to Have Fun soundtrack
Sexyback – Poison rips off Justin Timberlake
Get this Party Started by Pink This is on the list just for being too girly.
Glory of Love – Peter Cetera from the Karate Kid part 2 soundtrack
Christmas songs up the wazoo – Merry Christmas Baby by my fav. Pepe the Prawn and R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas! with vocals by Jon Bon Jovi! Girls definitely take heed when they are informed that Jon Bon Jovi appears on the song.
Paula Abdul Songs – Straight up, Cold Hearted Snake. Remember the video for Cold Hearted Snake that was freakin’ hot at the time
Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton
Physical by Olivia Newton John (It fulfills my ’80s aerobic girl fetish)
Step by Step by New Kids on the Block
Call Me Back by Mike Flowers Pops
Notorious by Loverboy
Take It Higher by Larry Greene, Over the Top Soundtrack
Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins, Top Gun Soundtrack. Apparently the scene that it plays in is called “homoerotic.” Strange…I didn’t realize a bunch of sweaty, shirtless guys in cut off jean shorts playing volleyball was at all gay.
Ewok Celebration/Finale by John Williams Affectionately known as the “Yub, Yub Song.” You’re pretty much slayed like a Rancor Monster if you get caught with this one playing.
We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart
Flashdance…what a Feeling by Irene Cara
Howard the Duck performed by Lea Thompson and Holly Robinson Peete
Songs from The Grease 2 Soundtrack – Score Tonight, Who’s that Guy? among others.
Rock and Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter. A top contender for most embarrassing track on my iPod since Glitter is a convicted pedophile. I hope I’m not denied entry into the plane to Vegas because I have this!
Anything by Franz Ferdinand
Who’s Johnny
– El Debarge
Kookie by Ed Byrnes
The Last Dragon by Dwight David, The Last Dragon Soundtrack
Smooth Up in Ya – Bulletboys
Porno Star by Buckcherry Ok this one is literally embarrassing. Imagine if your parents are in the car and the lyrics “don’t you know we fuck for money, I’m a big dick motherfucking porno star” blast through the speakers?
About Us by Brooke Hogan
I’ve Had the Time of My Life by Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes, Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow
Solid as Rock by Ashford and Simpson
Soldier of Love by Donny Osmond

I want to know…what are some of the most embarrassing tracks on your iPod?

New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol. 4: WWF’s Land of a Thousand Dances

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I feel like I haven’t reached my full potential in life. Moments later it occurs to me that I could recite all the banter from “The Wrestling Album.”

Back when WWE was called The World Wrestling Federation, 1985 to be exact, not only was I pretending to dodge bullets from the Libyans’ van, but I was also playing the shit out of this album cut by all the WWF wrestlers. In between songs, Vince McMahon, Mean Gene, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura provided color commentary which made the album quite original. I used to pose in the mirror to “Real American” ( Hulkster’s theme but originally for the U.S Express’ Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) dance around like a maniac to JYD’s “Grab Them Cakes,” and pretend I knew how to line dance when “Don’t Go Messin’ with a Country Boy” by Hillbilly Jim kicked in. And sure, I’ll admit that I used to listen to Jimmy Hart’s “Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield,” and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s catchy tune “For Everybody” incessantly.

So what, maybe I have a few of these songs on my iPod. I’m sure you have some incriminating shit on yours too. Some TMNT “Pizza Power” anyone? I’ll forgive that because at least mutated super hero turtles were involved. But Ini Kamoze’s Hotstepper and Right Said Fred? C’mon, it looks like you need some higher quality embarrassment so you better start downloading The Wrestling Album. You see, I don’t really care if someone’s in my car and my iPod starts to play the WWF wrestler’s version of Land of a Thousand Dances. You’d be surprised at what a blast it is. I used to stare at the album cover and pick out who was singing each line.

You’ll never see anything like this again. All the wrestlers were together, singing and clapping in tandem. It was like the WWF version of We Are the World only not for charity and the opposite of touching. So how does this tie in to New Jersey? Well, Piper goes off on The Goonies, The Iron Shiek spits, Bundy threatens to squash us with his Avalanche, and perhaps the greatest manager of all time Bobby “The Brain” Heenan brilliantly warns: “I’m gonna stretch ya from here to New Jersay!” (3:18) Look out for cameos by Meatloaf and Mona Flambe aka Cyndi Lauper! As Jesse “The Body” Ventura said: “I’m gonna crush ya and ill see you lata!”