Brooke Hogan’s 21st Birthday in New Jersey


Is Atlantic City hurting that bad? They’ve stooped to dropping the atomic leg drop on Brooke Hogan in order to convince her to celebrate her 21st birthday at Harrah’s Resort. How many people dropping nickels into machines in Atlantic City are interested in VH1’s Brooke Knows Best? How many of their kids are even interested in that show? VH1 is a station that prides themselves on Bret Michaels being their golden boy. Are young girls watching Daisy of Love and Charm School with their 40-something moms? I hope not or this country has gone down the tubes completely.

I don’t think I’m out of line in saying that Brooke Hogan is NOT a draw in any way. Now, Paris Hilton on the other hand, despite her bevy of haters, IS a traditional draw in Atlantic City. Hmm, let’s weigh in: Brooke is the uninteresting daughter of the O.J Simpson co-conspirator Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton is best known for being a media whore and a lame sex tape actress. Just based on the sex tape alone I’d have to go with hosting Paris’ bday instead. Somehow I think Brooke would be more successful if she just broke down and decided to become a WWE Diva. It’s her destiny. Or she could just make a lame sex tape.

Let’s hope Brooke’s brother Nick isn’t driving her to Harrah’s from the airport or else everyone on the Garden State Parkway is in big trouble. Oh and BTW, please keep her whack job mother Linda faaarrrr away from NJ.

May 9th at Harrah’s Casino & Resort
With a bargain basement admission price of a mere $25 bucks!!!

Paris Hilton Sprinkles New Jersey With Her Fairy Dust

Unbeknownst to me, Paris Hilton made an appearance at Macy’s in Woodbridge Center Mall yesterday to promote her new Fairy Dust perfume. Apparently she didn’t want to rekindle our old flame. The linked story at says there was about 300 fans on line to meet her. Someone needs to tell me this crap BEFORE it happens! She never returned my Masters of the Universe Season One Volume 2 DVD box set that I let her borrow. Bitch.

The Most Embarrassing Songs on My iPod

Everyone’s bound to experience one of those “uh-oh” moments if an embarrassing song starts playing on your iPod. Picture it, you’re rolling down the main street of your town, windows down, iPod on shuffle mode, and you have your friends in the car. Right after rocking out to “Welcome to the Jungle,” you hear the beginning chords of “Sexy Boy” the Shawn Michaels’ theme song or the Native American war chant that kicks off Tatanka’s theme song. Some of you may not even realize that they’re both WWE theme songs and in that case you may sidestep some shame. Although, you have to admit that at least a little part of you would squirm in your seat a bit.

How about when your iPod segues from Rob Zombie’s “Superbeast” right into “How Will I Know” by Whitney Houston? It’s totally cool to have Whitney on your iPod, especially if its one of her big hits, but when you’re in the car with a bunch of guy friends, and at the very least trying to act cool, your attempts are murdered by the sweet sound of synthesizers. You can win people over with goofy favorites like Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before you Go-Go,” but if their song “Freedom” comes on then your stock descends faster than the Delorean running low on plutonium. (pre-Mr. Fusion of course)

Having your friends ask you to unlock their car doors so they could tumble out while you’re still driving is a possibility if they hear you have the Baywatch theme song on your iPod. Whereas “Break the Ice” by John Farnham from the Rad soundtrack will actually give you street cred with those “in the know.” It’s possible to save yourself when a song comes on that the person doesn’t know but you’ll have to have a good enough story and reason for giving it the push to your almighty iPod. Here’s some examples: You can be forgiven for having Winger’s “Seventeen,” since it’s fun and nostalgic, but once you start digging into their catalog and “Out for the Count” from Karate Kid 3 comes on, then there’s not much that can save you at that point. Don’t let me forget “California” by Phantom Planet. It’s not really the song’s fault as much as it’s what I do when I’m listening to it. I reminisce about scenes from the O.C in a blurry, dramatic, tear-laden montage in my mind. I’ll dig deeper for you as I present a compendium of some of the most embarrassing songs on my iPod:

The Oompa Loopa Song from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
WWE Songs – The Boogeyman theme “Im the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get you!” and
Land of a Thousand Dances
Play That Funky Music by Vanilla Ice – Shit, how is it that you’re the life of the party if you play “Ninja Rap,” but you may as well crawl into a kitchen cabinet if “Roll ‘em Up” comes on.
Skeet Surfin’ by Nick Rivers/Val Kilmer – Top Secret Soundtrack
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song – Even though they’re the world’s most fearsome fighting team, you’re friend’s cut you no slack. Just hearing this theme emerge from a segue will always illicit some sort of heckle, so you’re lucky if you’re in the car with a fellow fan boy. That date of yours sure won’t be impressed that you’d rather listen to theme songs of old cartoons rather than Ne-Yo or Rhianna.
Other TV Theme Songs – Muppet Show, Charles in Charge, Mr. Belvedere, Perfect Strangers, Pee wee’s Playhouse Theme by Ellen Shaw (Cyndi Lauper). An interesting fact is that the Saved by the Bell theme song is always an overwhelming cross gender favorite.
King Tut – Steve Martin It’s a very funny song, but trying to hustle it to someone who’s never heard it proves challenging.
I’m Breathless songs inspired by the film Dick Tracy by Madonna Depending on your company in the car this album was obviously more embarrassing than Swept Away and Shangai Surprise combined.
Video Game Theme Songs – The magical songs from Alex Kidd in Miracle World make you come off like a real geek but you can get away with songs from Out Run because they sound like some underground new wave revival band from NYC. You can’t go wrong with the Super Mario brothers theme.
I Wanna Have Some Fun – Samantha Fox
Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? by Rod Stewart – I don’t care, I still love it.
Hot Rod Hearts – Robbie Dupree
Give it To Me Baby – Rick James
Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy and Rick James
Bruce by Rick Springfield here Rick talks about how he gets mistaken for “The Boss.”
Dancing In Heaven (Orbital Be-bop) by Q-Feel, Girls Just Want to Have Fun soundtrack
Sexyback – Poison rips off Justin Timberlake
Get this Party Started by Pink This is on the list just for being too girly.
Glory of Love – Peter Cetera from the Karate Kid part 2 soundtrack
Christmas songs up the wazoo – Merry Christmas Baby by my fav. Pepe the Prawn and R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas! with vocals by Jon Bon Jovi! Girls definitely take heed when they are informed that Jon Bon Jovi appears on the song.
Paula Abdul Songs – Straight up, Cold Hearted Snake. Remember the video for Cold Hearted Snake that was freakin’ hot at the time
Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton
Physical by Olivia Newton John (It fulfills my ’80s aerobic girl fetish)
Step by Step by New Kids on the Block
Call Me Back by Mike Flowers Pops
Notorious by Loverboy
Take It Higher by Larry Greene, Over the Top Soundtrack
Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins, Top Gun Soundtrack. Apparently the scene that it plays in is called “homoerotic.” Strange…I didn’t realize a bunch of sweaty, shirtless guys in cut off jean shorts playing volleyball was at all gay.
Ewok Celebration/Finale by John Williams Affectionately known as the “Yub, Yub Song.” You’re pretty much slayed like a Rancor Monster if you get caught with this one playing.
We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart
Flashdance…what a Feeling by Irene Cara
Howard the Duck performed by Lea Thompson and Holly Robinson Peete
Songs from The Grease 2 Soundtrack – Score Tonight, Who’s that Guy? among others.
Rock and Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter. A top contender for most embarrassing track on my iPod since Glitter is a convicted pedophile. I hope I’m not denied entry into the plane to Vegas because I have this!
Anything by Franz Ferdinand
Who’s Johnny
– El Debarge
Kookie by Ed Byrnes
The Last Dragon by Dwight David, The Last Dragon Soundtrack
Smooth Up in Ya – Bulletboys
Porno Star by Buckcherry Ok this one is literally embarrassing. Imagine if your parents are in the car and the lyrics “don’t you know we fuck for money, I’m a big dick motherfucking porno star” blast through the speakers?
About Us by Brooke Hogan
I’ve Had the Time of My Life by Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes, Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow
Solid as Rock by Ashford and Simpson
Soldier of Love by Donny Osmond

I want to know…what are some of the most embarrassing tracks on your iPod?

Film Review: Invitation to Hell!

Typically I love terrible, shlocky movies. I do have my standards though. I’m not into stuff that’s beyond bad. Some people run websites honoring the worst movies of all time and there are about 93 million entries. Occasionally I like films that are on the brink of being great. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy great films, because I do. Fortunately, if we’re talking Wes Craven movies then we’ll get the best of both worlds with this review.
I am a fan of certain directors and I’m the type of person who tries to see the entire filmography of a director or actor if I enjoyed at least more than one of their films. Ever since my early childhood I thought Wes Craven was the king. Boy was I dead wrong – pun intended. After Scream, Wes put his name on almost any movie that came out in the theater or direct to video if it had one remotely gory scene in it. In reality it was Wes Craven Presents: a truly shitty film made by someone who’s not Wes Craven.
He kind of shot himself in the foot by lending his name to these pieces of garbage. Some of the films that he didn’t actually direct were abysmal. Attaching his name only brought his credibility down. When people see the video box WES CRAVEN PRESENTS – THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT YOU’RE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND. But it’s a clever marketing gimmick because I would be more inclined to see it with his name on it even though I know full well it’s gonna blow Oprah turds. Some of the films that he actually is responsible for blow even worse!
If I may turn your attention to a movie called INVITATION TO HELL. One of the shittiest movies I’ve seen. Of course, it’s no NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET but it did have Susan Lucci playing a whacked out Spa owner who‘s trying to lure Robert Urich to join her mysterious club. When I say whacked out Spa owner I mean a character that they are trying to depict as Satan incarnate. Of course Satan would own a Spa/Country Club. I guess we just figured out where all the golf balls go when they fall into those bodies of water randomly placed in golf courses….STRAIGHT TO F’N HHHELL!
For Zabka’s sake, If Susan Lucci never won an Emmy she should have won a friggin’ Oscar for her portrayal in this movie. And give Robert Urich a fucking lifetime achievement award for being brave enough to play his dumbass role in this film. He’s created a spacesuit that can decipher what species the person is that the helmet zooms in on. What a great idea the writers came up with to OVERLY EXPLAIN that some of the people in the films were demons!
Urich’s kids were played by Punky Brewster and the kid from D.A.R.Y.L. Punky was definitely not in top form, she didn‘t seem punky enough. It’s now a scar on her spectubular resume. FYI I just coined that, I get royalties.
It’s only a rumor so I don’t want you to get excited but I’ve heard through the grapevine that the Weinstein company has the rights to the hot commodity known as “The Script for the Invitation to Hell.” Paris Hilton will take on Susan Lucci’s role. And, it’s a no brainer and I shouldn’t even have to tell you because you probably could have guessed but I’ll tell you anyway: BEN AFFLECK is the obvious frontrunner for Urich’s role. Can Affleck offer anything to a role that was so masterfully played the first time around? Is there a point? I’m actually pulling for Affleck to accept his invitation to hell, then we could be rid of him.
Imagine buying a ticket for this? “can I have one invitation to hell?”



Here’s some of that pre-blog…the stuff that the clinic warns you about so you better rubber up now…
First- is Myspace a province of Cyberspace? Or are they totally different territories? Is it fair to say that if The Sexy Armpit invaded Myspace that they invaded your space, and his space, and even her space? Or did we just invade our own space? What about that crawl space? I think we missed that one. Now there’s a fucking mind boggler. Does the information superhighway run through Myspace and Cyberspace? I hope it’s nothing like 287.
If you watched Dancing with the Stars last night: Who does the mambo to a weak rendition of a Kriss Kross song?? That was beyond awful. And it’s obvious Shanna is banging her dancer partner and that is why Travis left her. He found condoms from her bang-tango session with her friggin dance partner. Good for Travis…he’s a killer drummer and now he was caught making out with Paris Hilton. Good for him. At least we know what happened when they went back to the hotel room. They practiced calculus equations just cause she felt like brushing up….
The good people here at The Sexy have uncovered a mystery of sorts. Do you know how much of the population is not familiar with Silent Ball? Fucking SILENT BALL!! We’re not talking about the friggin’ Necronomicon or Sal’s pet Cthulu here…we’re friggin talking about SILENT BALL. After an extensive poll of a cross section of male and female participants whose ages ranged from 20 – 27, we have deduced that a large percentage of people, some legal citizens, some not….have not had the pleasure of playing in a game of SILENT BALL nor are they acquainted with the joys of what this stellar game is all about. C’MON PEOPLE!
After this extensive poll we were told that SILENT BALL was only for losers from Central Jersey. To them I say F-OFF! These are probably the same people who didn’t take part in hacky sack or quarter basketball/hockey during lunch. What about making a football out of folded paper and doing the old field goal kicking practice? Not down with that either? Bumper pool? What did you people do? 7up? Red Rover?
And now, the grand finale: PUNCH BALL KICK BALL. IF you never played that you are out of your f’n minds and I don’t want to talk to any of you anymore. Excuse me ….I’m going to listen to Cinderella…