Say Hello To My Little Friend…CLARENCE!

You may not know this side of me, but I consider myself very humane. As much as I badly want a cat or a dog, I can’t get one at this point for various reasons, so that’s why it was a bit of a miracle that we found this little guy.

Or should I say Miss Sexy Armpit found him. I met my new friend recently when I was taking photos in her yard for my Bill and Ted’s Weird NJ Adventure digital comic. As I was wrapping up, I started gathering up the figures into a box and then she asked me “Is this guy yours too?” as she pointed to a small object on the ground. I barely saw anything aside from the fall leaves blanketing the grass, plus it was getting dark. I squinted my eyes and eventually saw a tiny blue rubber looking toy peeking out of the leaves. I hesitated before I picked it up because it looked dirty as hell. Was it a Smurf that got coughed up and spit out of her chimney and is now sleeping under the leaves? Whatever it was, it seemed as if this little toy was laying in mud for quite a long time, and possibly inside a dogs mouth (or some other body part) at some point.

As if he was going to run away from me, I reached down and grabbed him. I examined him in my hand and realized he was a cute little blue creature who seemed harmless. Creature is really the best way to describe him too. I couldn’t really tell if he was a sea animal, an alien, or a baby dinosaur. Whatever he was, I deemed him worthy of giving him a good home or he would probably wind up on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Who knows where he came from or where he’s been? He could’ve blown into the yard last year during the hurricane for all we know. It was a good thing I brought him in when I did because it was the first really chilly night we’ve had this season and he might’ve caught a cold.

After bringing him inside, I left him alone for a few hours because he was very timid and scared. Once he got himself acclimated, I gave him a bath and he loved it. Although, as much as I scrubbed I couldn’t even get him 100% clean. Some of his stains are permanent. We’re not ruling out cosmetic surgery at this point, but his appearance has improved immensely, wouldn’t you agree? I was even able to read the bottom of his feet that said he was made in China by the Toysmith company as recently as 2010. Could’ve fooled me. Looks like he’s been around since at least 2005.


The bath must’ve perked him up and put him in a better mood because right after that was when he started talking to me. He said “Hi my name is Clarence.” “Hi Clarence, I’m Jay!” I shot back exuberantly. To be honest, I was so friggin excited to discover that he could talk! How cool was that? “Do you feel better now that you’re clean?” I asked him, in hopes he’d continue to engage. “Hi I’m Clarence.” Okay, well he only knows that one line. I guess it’s better than nothing, but that shit’s gonna get old real fast. That was kind of a let down. I had my hopes up thinking that it might be like having my own version of Ted. Maybe in time he will open up to me. I didn’t wind up teaching him any new words yet, but I have learned a few things about him:
I found out that he has an affinity for grapes…and stealing mine.

…and being insanely cute while rowing a canoe in a bubble bath.


Look, how can you ever be mad at him, he’s permanently waving hello! To see how happy he is now and how quickly it took him to adjust, I can’t help but wonder if he’s going to grow into some sort of an evil demonized Boglin or something. I hope that’s not the case because I’ve made it a point to formally adopt him as my own. I gave it my best shot to find his family and after some research I found that he comes from the obscure non-specific species “Bath Squirt Toy.” The closest toy line he might belong to is Munchkin Squirtin’ Buddies, but that’s just a hunch. By the way, be careful if you Google that…Squirtin’ Buddies. No…really.


NJ Is Under Water!

Toms River Postcard 1958

Many towns throughout the Garden State are submerged in water right now. News helicopters have been filming people getting around town by canoe and TV reporters are standing in the middle of streets knee deep in water. This vintage postcard from 1958 is a funny one, but Hurricane Irene was no joke. Can you imagine not having cable for like…an entire day? What about Internet? Worse than that: what about all your snacks in the basement pantry? Soaked! New Jersey is the wet basement capitol of the world right now. In all seriousness, it seems to the rest of the world that we are being little babies about this hurricane. While it wasn’t as severe as some previous hurricanes, it still caused a ton of damage and claimed 35 lives in it’s wake. So far, we know that 4 of them were from New Jersey. The Sexy Armpit sends our sincere condolences out to their families.

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 9: Bikinis or Wife Beaters?


Male Sexy Armpit readers will most likely cast their vote for BIKINIS, but don’t count Wife Beaters out so quickly in this match up. Sure it’s a nice visual to think about a blazing hot day at the Jersey shore watching a smoking hot Jersey girl make her way out of the crystal blue water, OK maybe not so much crystal blue as it is murky green, but you catch my drift. Of course it’s not like watching Ursula Andress slither out of the water in Dr. No, but it’s the closest we come to that kind of sex appeal here in a state blanketed with toxic waste. It’s a miracle all the girls at the shore aren’t popping out of the water looking like mutated 3-eyed zombies. Perhaps it’s the fact that we have some decent women in this state that they’re all so proud of themselves that they’re “Jersey girls?” Instead of bragging about being Jersey girls why don’t they just say “Yay! we’re not mutants!” that’s what the t-shirts should be saying.

Without hesitation the choice between Bikinis and Wife Beaters would be a no brainer, but once you disassociate the wife beater from the greasy fat guy on the couch eating chicken, then we have ourselves a contest. Believe it or not, the Guinea Tee or A-Shirt as it’s known, can also look good on a woman! No shit you say? Just erase all the bad memories of hairy backed slimeballs who have given these useless styled undershirts a bad name. Hell, they gave these shirts such a bad name that their inclination for domestic abuse snowballed into becoming a widely accepted nickname for the shirts. So before you completely lose all hope for the regulation jersey for men who beat their wives, think about the lovely, doting wife with big boobs posing ever so innocently in a semi-see-through wife beater for their cold, uncaring husband. Her headlights are on and all they want is some attention, can’t we just give them that? Ahh, Who the f–k am I kidding? BIKINIS!!!

This week, the fine T-shirts pictured above are available through where they offer all kinds of funny and sarcastic New Jersey themed shirts in addition to a host of others. Check them out!

To The Jersey Shore, Robin!


Many Jersey folks refer to the beach as “the shore,” it’s just something we do. Some people wear socks with sandles, we call the beach “the shore.” Some people still bring fanny packs fastened around their gut that’s hanging over their waaay too small seafoam green bathing trunks, while some middle aged women are parading around in front of other beach goers lacking the proper butt cheek coverage. You can tell when a woman isn’t from around here when she’s wearing what Paul Stanley refers to as “butt floss.” 

At the Jersey Shore, some people don’t give a crap if they kick sand in your face as they pass you. And then SOME PEOPLE BRING A MUTHAF–IN’ BATMAN TOWEL THAT THEY BOUGHT AT WALMART. (Me) So, I got news for you lousy people who have no common courtesy and kick sand around while walking: If you see a guy laying on a Batman towel, watch out because you might get a batarang flung at your ass. And nobody wants to see your gut, you beached whale.

Do you think I should soil this awesome rectangular piece of heavenly bat material by bringing it to the dirty Jersey Shore, or should I keep it sheltered in the linen closet at home as it anxiously awaits it’s chance to soak up the water particles off my squeaky clean body after I shower?
Summer is almost here so break out your bootleg of “Surf’s Up, Joker’s Under,” and as the Joker said…”Cowaboonga!”

R2D2 is now an Awesome Astromech Aquarium!

I just read about an R2-D2 aquarium on Boing Boing that’s available at Hammacher and Schlemmer. I hope R2 doesn’t forget about the fish he’s storing in his “rusty innards!”

here’s the item summary from Hammacher and Schlemmer:
Modeled after the most well-known astromech droid in the galaxy, this R2-D2 holds a 1 3/4-gallon aquarium tank in his central compartment, ideal for a small freshwater family of goldfish, gouramis, or tetras. The domed head rotates with any vocal command you issue and he utters his familiar “bleeps” from the Star Wars movies. His radar eye houses the eyepiece to a built-in periscope that provides an intimate view of the aquatic activity below, allowing you to watch your charges swim towards the food you’ve dropped in from the dome’s removable feeding door. Includes filter and overhead LED tank lights that randomly morph between red, blue, and green (lights can be disabled). Includes a two-sided waterproofed cardboard insert depicting scenes from the movie as a background.

Captain America: Back to Life and in My Kitchen

Don’t ask me what the fuck Marvel did with the Captain America storyline. For those who aren’t aware, Marvel comics decided to kill off Captain America and bring him back with a new alter ego. What can I say, I’m a purist. I felt like I needed to resurrect the original Captain America so I attempted a “Weird Science-like” experiment. Even with the advent of miniature super heroes that grow six times their size when you throw them in water, I never thought Captain America would actually be in my condo. After it was all said and done, I was grateful for his visit.
If I can reincarnate a super hero on my kitchen counter, think of the host of other possibilities that my kitchen counter can be used for! I might actually cook something one of these days, except probably not in the bowl that Captain America was incubating in so you have nothing to worry about.
I was once told that if I ever had a seed I should definitely plant the seed, nurture the seed, till the soil, and give it encouragement, attention and love. Instead of all that crap, I used the same enhancing serum that the U.S government used on the original Captain America: Steve Rogers himself. I came into a shitload of it when it fell off a truck in near Lyndhurst, NJ. Actually, I’m totally lying to you, I really copped out on this one. I used plain New Jersey tap water…I figured that was radioactive enough to make him grow and give him super powers.

In case you weren’t aware, when you want to grow your own Super Hero, all you need to do is take it out of the package and toss it in a bowl of water and leave it alone for 72 hours. What kind of a children’s amusement toy is this? My father actually wondered how a kid would even enjoy this. There’s no immediate satisfaction! “Here ya go kid, throw this in water…then come back in 3 days…this is FUN isn’t it!?!?!” Damn I know when I was a kid I had more fun taking out my mother’s pots and pans from the kitchen cabinet.

His legend precedes him, but Captain America was much smaller than I first thought. He might’ve been smaller than a freakin‘ Smurf, but his eyes were similar. In fact, he looked like a retarded Claymation figure. This is not what I was expecting from an American Hero.
Captain grew nicely, and when I took him out after 3 days, he was all gross and slimy. To confess, I really didn’t want to touch him at all. He looked and felt like a really nasty sea creature. I did drink the water after I took him out of his little mineral bath though. It was delicious. This water serum that I concocted proved just as effective as Ra’s al Ghul’s Lazarus pit, but of course, he lost his power after a while. Judging by his appearance in the last picture…Cap is shrunken, shriveled, and apparently doesn’t have much staying power. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed with Mother Nature?

To Your Health!

An article I read yesterday claims that taking multi-vitamins can cause prostate cancer. Well whaddya know? A supplement that was supposedly meant to improve our health is now detrimental to us? Next thing you know we’ll probably be told to immediately cease the ingestion of water into our bodies because it’s toxic or something. “This just in, STOP DRINKING WATER!” NO WAIT…DRINK MORE WATER! It’s the healthiest thing for your body! All of these contradictory health reports are enough to make your eyes cross. Everyday in the news there is another claim about what you should or shouldn’t do in order to maintain your health. With all of these conflicting stories there seems to be no right or wrong answer. The best bet is to keep a good balance and not to drive yourself crazy reading and watching every bit of news regarding your health. While you might save yourself in one way by learning about something you should cut back on, you’ll be making yourself paranoid in the process and deteioriorating the one thing that you need more than anything…YOUR MIND!
As an example, I was always curious about the health benefits of beer. Some articles will tell you it’s excellent for your body to have beer occasionally because of the B vitamins and the positive effect it has on your blood pressure and heart. Another article will tell you that the alcohol will help trigger cancer and the carbohydrates will give you a big fat pot belly. Wine has always been touted for it’s antioxidants although it’s extremely high in sugar. What’s the deal? Can we live? I don’t even want to hear what they say about Kool-Aid. Are there no pleasures in life anymore? There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Frequent masturbation may ward off prostate cancer, although I hear it also causes vision impairment.