Captain America: Back to Life and in My Kitchen

Don’t ask me what the fuck Marvel did with the Captain America storyline. For those who aren’t aware, Marvel comics decided to kill off Captain America and bring him back with a new alter ego. What can I say, I’m a purist. I felt like I needed to resurrect the original Captain America so I attempted a “Weird Science-like” experiment. Even with the advent of miniature super heroes that grow six times their size when you throw them in water, I never thought Captain America would actually be in my condo. After it was all said and done, I was grateful for his visit.
If I can reincarnate a super hero on my kitchen counter, think of the host of other possibilities that my kitchen counter can be used for! I might actually cook something one of these days, except probably not in the bowl that Captain America was incubating in so you have nothing to worry about.
I was once told that if I ever had a seed I should definitely plant the seed, nurture the seed, till the soil, and give it encouragement, attention and love. Instead of all that crap, I used the same enhancing serum that the U.S government used on the original Captain America: Steve Rogers himself. I came into a shitload of it when it fell off a truck in near Lyndhurst, NJ. Actually, I’m totally lying to you, I really copped out on this one. I used plain New Jersey tap water…I figured that was radioactive enough to make him grow and give him super powers.

In case you weren’t aware, when you want to grow your own Super Hero, all you need to do is take it out of the package and toss it in a bowl of water and leave it alone for 72 hours. What kind of a children’s amusement toy is this? My father actually wondered how a kid would even enjoy this. There’s no immediate satisfaction! “Here ya go kid, throw this in water…then come back in 3 days…this is FUN isn’t it!?!?!” Damn I know when I was a kid I had more fun taking out my mother’s pots and pans from the kitchen cabinet.

His legend precedes him, but Captain America was much smaller than I first thought. He might’ve been smaller than a freakin‘ Smurf, but his eyes were similar. In fact, he looked like a retarded Claymation figure. This is not what I was expecting from an American Hero.
Captain grew nicely, and when I took him out after 3 days, he was all gross and slimy. To confess, I really didn’t want to touch him at all. He looked and felt like a really nasty sea creature. I did drink the water after I took him out of his little mineral bath though. It was delicious. This water serum that I concocted proved just as effective as Ra’s al Ghul’s Lazarus pit, but of course, he lost his power after a while. Judging by his appearance in the last picture…Cap is shrunken, shriveled, and apparently doesn’t have much staying power. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed with Mother Nature?