A New Jersey Christmas Card by David Price

Mother Armpit found these cards for me when she was out shopping. Don’t moms always find the best stuff? These limited edition cards are 100% sustainable and made in the USA by Allport Cards in Oregon. A portion of the profits from the cards go to charitable causes. In case you were getting jealous, several other states are available as well as other variations such as wine lovers, Shakespeare lovers, etc, but the NJ card is a best seller according to the Allport site. The art by David Price was done with pen and ink on paper and you can check out his other work that appears on cards and towels here.

Futurama’s Got Jokes!

Before cable TV shows made it fashionable to live in New Jersey, The Garden State was categorized right beside fart jokes on the humor scale. A New Jersey joke still never fails. 
Why can’t we laugh at ourselves? There’s all this nonsense going around about “defending New Jersey,” and it’s totally lame. Since when are we New Jerseyans the type of people not to find humor in stereotypes? I know I’ve never been one to take it seriously when there’s a joke about us in a movie or a comedian starts ripping on Jersey because it’s all in the name of humor. Plus, a lot of the jokes are based on absolute truth. Have you ever heard someone making fun of how bad it reeks on the New Jersey Turnpike? Well, they aren’t exaggerating because it f*cking stinks to high heaven every time I’m driving on it! Stinks is putting it mildly because it usually gets to the point where I have to pull my t-shirt up over my nose and mouth. In the picture below you can see why.

Futurama’s depiction of New Jersey
So, yeah – that brings us to Season 1, Episode 8 of Futurama entitled “A Big Piece of Garbage” which originally aired on May 11, 1999. Parts of the episode parody the film Armageddon and as you can probably surmise, instead of an asteroid, earth is in danger of being hit by a humongous piece of garbage. During his demonstration of his new invention The Smelloscope, which allows its user to smell planets, Professor Farnsworth shows a historical video he found on the Internet called The Great Garbage Crisis of 2000 which explained what a dump New York City used to be and how it became that way. Here is the voice over from that video:
“…New York City. The year: 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy,
and it was running out of places to bury its neverending output of garbage.
The landfills were full…New Jersey was full…”

Spock Crash Lands In The Sexy Armpit

A long time ago on a blog in cyberspace, Chunky B. of Eclectorama sent his Spock action figure off on a journey around the United States. Chunky called Spock’s trip SPOCKATION and many of his readers signed up to be his host when he reached their state. It’s been nearly 2 years and I figured Spock was never going to reach New Jersey, but a few weeks back…FINALLY SPOCK CAME TO THE SEXY ARMPIT! Spock, myself and Miss Sexy Armpit had a grand old time as we showed him many of the pop culture spots around The Garden State. There were so many more places I could’ve brought him but I was only supposed to have him for a week and I exceeded that limit by more than a few weeks! Spock’s trip is detailed in a commemorative comic book that I created for him so he always remembers The Sexy Armpit! You can read the comic book above in the reader or go to Eclectorama and read it there! Thanks to Chunky B for letting Spock stay with us here in New Jersey!

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 77: New and Improved Sexy Armpit T-Shirts!

sexy armpit tshirt

People always ask me “Jay, when are you making more Sexy Armpit T-Shirts?” It’s not like T-Shirts grow on trees people! A lot of work goes into creating a decent looking t-shirt and I’m no graphic designer by any means. Luckily, with sites like Cafe Press, Zazzle, and Red Bubble, it’s possible for anyone to create their own tees. A few years back, I whipped up the first ever batch of Sexy Armpit t-shirts through Custom Ink. Although they were fairly reasonable, creating the t-shirt through them wasn’t the easiest process.

Custom Ink charged extra for how many different ink colors a shirt has. This is how they soak you. It also forces people into taking necessary colors out of their graphic, therefore creating a crappy low budget looking t-shirt. I had to compromise the integrity of my graphic because I couldn’t afford to print up shirts with the logo as is. Custom Ink’s customer service group was excellent and they offer discounts if you order in bulk as well as if you agree to have their website printed on the back of your t-shirt in an average size font. But because of all these issues I decided to go elsewhere this time around.

I figured it was about time to at least have t-shirts available if someone wanted one. As you all know, I’m a t-shirt fiend and always have been, so I would actually wear a t-shirt with my own blogs logo. I created this new t-shirt through Red Bubble and I can honestly say that this tee has improved in every way possible. The logo is bigger and clearer with more accurate colors and you can also choose from any different color you want. Besides a regular tee and a v-neck, there’s also the option of ordering a girl’s baby tee style, a long sleeve t-shirt, as well as a hoodie.

Several years back, I gave out the first round of Sexy Armpit t-shirts away for free, solely as promotional items. The problem with that is, custom t-shirts are really damn expensive! I can’t afford to buy a bunch of these shirts so I tried to keep the prices low by taking almost half of what the average markup is. This translates to me not making much back on each tee. I wish these shirts could be a lot more reasonable because then more people would be apt to buy one, but above all, it is indeed a cool looking t-shirt. Not only fans and friends of this blog will like wearing it, but also fans of The Garden State and all things Jersey.

How The Grinch Stole New Jersey

The Christmas season has officially kicked off and The Sexy Armpit’s iPod has been cranking out the holiday tunes, but there’s one song that I forgot to put on there! “Mr. Grinch,” a 1995 alt-rock cover version by The Whirling Dervishes who hailed from Westfield, NJ.

The Whirling Dervishes got some airplay on MTV and they were were pretty big in the local Jersey rock scene in the ’80s and ’90s. Members of the band went on to form Everlounge, who frequently plays original rocking lounge music in bars and clubs around The Garden State. Whether you’re a New Jersey native or not, their version of “Mr. Grinch” is a must add to your Holiday playlist.

Everlounge will be playing at:
The Stage House
Scotch Plains, NJ
on 1/7/11


New Jersey’s Great Pop Culture Moments Vol.39: Dallas

tv,dallas,new jersey,dvd,J.R Ewing

Dallas spent 13 years on the air and in its 14 seasons, New Jersey was mentioned only once. Regardless of being mostly Jersey-less, it’s still one of my favorite TV shows of all time. One NJ namedropping seems like one too many since The Garden State is probably the furthest thing from the wheelin’ and dealin’ of a Texas oil company. In Season 13, Sasha Mitchell (Cody on Step by StepKickboxer sequels, and Slammed) joined the cast as James Beaumont, J.R’s illegitimate son. In this scene he reveals a bit of his past to J.R’s assisstant, Sly Lovegren, just after applying suntan lotion on her back.

tv,dallas,dvd,new jersey,J.R Ewing
“Are you sure you don’t want to take this off?” 
– Good ‘ol James – always worried about those tan lines!

JAMES: “I was kicked out of 3 different schools in 3 different countries.”

SLY: “You don’t sound very European.”
JAMES: “No, when I was 10 my parents sent me to a military school in New Jersey…”

*Just in case you want to model your kid after James Beaumont from Dallas, two of the most popular military schools in New Jersey are The U.S Military Academy Prep School at Fort Monmouth aka West Point Prep, and Cedar Bridge Military Academy in Toms River, NJ.

Ad Jerseum 3: Corona “This Island Jersey”

“Bundle up!” not cheery. pissed. have to walk outside in 19 degree weather. shovel. scoop. toss. shovel. brush snow off car. get into car. residual snow falls onto seat. sit down, ass gets wet. turn car on. crank up defroster. get out of car. scrape ice off windshield. spray de-icer on windshield. begin to drive even though glass still fogged up. “Can’t be late for work!” obviously not smiling. roll down window. more snow falls into car. stick head out so I can see where I’m going. wonder why I don’t live here:


Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to track down a picture of this awesome billboard for a long time, but to no avail, until now. A few years back while on a train ride to New York City, I saw the same billboard as pictured above in Newark and thought it was one of the coolest beer ads ever. Corona ads have always taken a different approach from other beer brands. I praise Corona’s ad campaigns for making abundantly clear that they are a different breed than your average brew. This is cerveza. Sure, it’s easy to sell beer to frat boys. Bud, Miller Lite and Coors Light ads, all seem to say “I’m a masculine guy who loves sports and sexy women who love sports, now let’s get wasted!” Listen up, I’m not giving Corona props just because they were brazen enough to feature the Garden State in one of their ads, but they actually do present themselves in a more sophisticated light.

The regional aspect of this billboard accomplished more than what an average ad could. Back on that train ride, I took a glimpse of the billboard for a fleeting second but the image stuck with me. Momentarily, my mind was whisked away to the alluring, mysterious, and deserted island of New Jersey where beer runs from bathroom faucets and the warm ocean water is blue and the sand is soft and white. This visual only works for a few seconds until I abruptly flashback to what I actually have to deal with on a daily basis. In the winter, I wait about a minute and a half for my faucet water to become luke warm, so let me verify that no beer comes out. Then of course, our ocean water is usually frigid, which is more scary than refreshing even on sweltering days, and it’s dirty, nay, probably contaminated. The sand? Fuggedaboutit. Broken shells, cigarette butts, garbage, mashed up jellyfish, crab carcasses, used condoms; It’s all displayed for you like an unexpected putrid potpourri. You thought a vacation at the Jersey Shore was supposed to be all fried Oreos and Snookie? Ha. It’s a tough call but I’m going to say that Corona’s imaginary Jersey Island is intensely more appealing. I can envision myself right now relaxing on the beach, with my feet massaged into the soft white sand and the only thing I might have to defog is my sunglasses.
*A big thanks goes out to Michael William Sullivan for taking this perfect shot of the Corona Billboard. I’ve gone to several lengths to get a hold of this ad directly from Corona and the ad agency who created it, but neither were helpful.  It would seem that presenting an ad on a blog could only mean free advertising for the product, right? Maybe next time when The Sexy Armpit knocks on their door they’ll give up the goods. Check out all of Michael William Sullivan’s excellent photography here at his Deviant Art page.

Jersey’s Got The Most Haters?

From the Associated Press:

NJ Tops List in Anti-Semitic Hate Crimes

PARAMUS, N.J. (AP) — New Jersey had more anti-Semitic incidents reported in 2008 than any other state. The ADL says there were 238 incidents reported in the Garden State compared to 247 in 2007. California was second with 226 incidents reported and New York was third with 207. ADL regional director Etzion Neuer says the number of reports in New Jersey could be inflated compared to others because New Jersey has a large Jewish population. Information from: The Record of Bergen County, www.northjersey.com

Maxim Magazine Declares New Jersey “The Most Toxic Place in The U.S”

In Maxim Magazine’s June 2008 issue, Nick Peterson from Akron, Ohio raised a rather amusing question in the Ask Maxim column. The answer made me feel completely validated as to why I’ve dedicated this website to the most contradictory state in the union. The “beautiful” Garden State, is also recognized by the EPA for having the MOST toxic sites in America! 115 in total! What I find hysterical is that I could eventually wind up looking like Melvin Ferd aka The Toxic Avenger pretty soon, considering I live in one of the counties mentioned in the article!

George Carlin: What am I Doing in New Jersey?

On March 25th & 26th, 1988, at the Park Theater in Union City NJ, the eternal KING of comedy George Carlin recorded a special for HBO called What am I Doing in New Jersey? Though it’s not considered his best work, Carlin fearlessly attacked controversial topics head on using his legendary wit and sarcasm. Sure, it’s a 20 year old comedy special, but the ideas Carlin explores and rips on are still fresh and relevant today.


Carlin fiercely kicks the show off with his gripes of Reagan’s government. The Reagan White House vowed to the American people that they’d get government off their backs, but still ’till this day decide what you can read, and what broadcasters can say on the radio. Carlin tore right into the idea of the FCC and how they pointlessly horn in on our 1st amendment right. The bits on Ronald Reagan are obviously dated but if you really wanted to, it’s entirely possible to substitute George W. Bush and it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. From there, he blew “right to lifers” out of the water, and did a hysterical bit on Civil War reanactors: “…they should use live ammunition!”


Carlin is at his best as he details ironic and sometimes bizarre aspects of American culture:

This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns, and they’re gonna KEEP the fuckin’ REAL ones!

Later on in the show, Carlin deals with some of the most appropriate topics for a show in NJ, such as traffic and driving:

“…New Jersey deserves the title “Toll Booth Capitol” of the United States of America.”

“…you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents! And i don’t mind payin’ tolls, but every 27 feet? Bullshit!

“…so I say let ’em be honest, let ’em put it right on the license plates, New Jersey: The Tollbooth State. What does it say now? The Garden State, haha, sure, if you’re growing smokestacks…YES.”

I like New Jersey…I even have one of those t-shirts you guys sell, “Kiss Her Where It Smells Take Her to New Jersey”…so I like the place…”

Carlin also offers some helpful tips and hints on improving your life:

how to get rid of counterfeit money: put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us?

“…someone asks you what time it is, say, well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on.”

Keeping with the driving and traffic topic, signs and stickers on cars get Carlin fired up. He also offers a few suggestions on how to deal with a cop when you get pulled over.

In his review of the comedy album, JT Griffith of AllMusic.com had this to say: “The main weakness of What Am I Doing in New Jersey is that it doesn’t have any choice takes on the “Garden State” at all. What a missed opportunity. Overall, a light and entertaining comedy album, but not a groundbreaking or challenging one. ” I concur with JT. I would’ve liked to hear more of Carlin roasting New Jersey, but at the time, in ’88, making fun of NJ guido’s wasn’t as popular of a trend as it is now. Perhaps riffing on Joe Piscopo or Pork Roll sandwiches didn’t entice Carlin very much either and I think this HBO special was better off for it. Regardless of it’s shortcomings, What am I Doing in New Jersey is another quite entertaining entry in Carlin’s extensive discography. It’s available on CD and DVD.

** Built in 1931, The Park Theater Performing Arts Center features the the longest running passion play in the United States which details Christ’s last days. It’s now in it’s 94th season. Judging by their website, it looks like there aren’t many big names performing there anymore.