Late Night Love Letter to NJ

A few weeks back my fellow NJ friend Nicole was up late at night (or very early in the morning) and felt inspired to start writing about her pride in her home state in the notes app on her iPhone. She was brave and decided to post it on Twitter for all to see. Coincidentally, the time she saved it was my birthday 3:11. It was a sure sign that I needed to immortalize this on The Sexy Armpit!

From my perspective, having other people read my writing has been something I’ve done since I was a little kid, but others aren’t as open with the things that they write. Since Nicole posted her strong feelings about Jersey on Twitter, I felt like I could share it, but with her permission of course. She was cool with it.

Everything she says pretty much sums up what many of us in the state feel. We’re not all the stereotypes, well…some of them. We’re not the Real Housewives…well I guess some of them are. It’s not L.A a place you’ll rarely ever hear people brag about how they were born and bred there, but you’ll always hear about how someone has lived their entire life in Jersey. I have no doubt that I will live in Jersey until the day I die. I can’t speak for others around the country, but do you feel the same type of bond that Nicole feels with Jersey? Do people in Florida or Idaho feel the same strong feelings for their state? I hope we’re not the only ones!

Thanks for letting us share your feelings about NJ, Nicole! You can follow her on Twitter: @villalicious

Nerd Lunch Episode 109: Convention Experiences

Take a listen to the latest installment of the Nerd Lunch Podcast! Episode 109 features C.T, Pax, Jason Liebig of Collecting Candy, and yours truly discussing our convention experiences. We cover all ground from comics to sci-fi cons. It was fun to record this one and I know you’ll enjoy it, so give it a download or stream it right here!
Nerd Lunch Podcast photo nerdlunch.jpg

NJ T-Shirt Tuesday 79: Angry Birds in Wildwood!

Angry Birds T-Shirts on the Wildwood Boardwalk

Have you checked yourself into an Angry Birds 12 step program yet? If not, you need to come to terms with your addiction! The widespread fixation with Angry Birds has had millions of people’s fingers attached to their touch screen smart phones as they attempt to slingshot birds into innocent swine. I’ve never even played the game, but it seems like everywhere I look at least one person is playing this damn game. According to Wikipedia, Angry Birds has been downloaded over 300 million times so far combined across all platforms. I haven’t seen this kind of fervor for a video game on a phone since Tetris or Bejeweled. Although I haven’t launched any birds from a virtual slingshot myself, I actually have had the pleasure of flinging wrestlers via the WWE Superstar Slingshot game app. That game is the same concept although instead of birds you can catapult John Cena into Randy Orton. If you’re an Angry Birds obsessed New Jerseyan, the schlocky t-shirts I spotted on the Wildwood Boardwalk are especially for you. Do these tees signal the metaphorical angry bird jumping the shark?

The Creepy Karate Kid Coincidence

Sexy Armpit's Karate Kid Coincidence

“Yeah, but 3 was awesome because it had the twist that Daniel was getting trained by Terry Silver in the Cobra Kai dojo,” said my friend Frank as he defended 1989’s 3rd installment of The Karate Kid saga. Yes, the actual Karate Kid, with Ralph Macchio, not Will Smith’s son and especially not Hilary Swank. “OK, but 2 had the typhoon which was intense,” boasted Dave who was more passionate about watching Danielsan’s trip to Okinawa than his adventurous attempts at uprooting an innocent bonsai tree. “In 3 I like how they tied in the detail that John Kreese was in the war, it worked nicely.” Meanwhile my mind was regurgitating all the awful, scarring memories of when Elisabeth Shue abandoned me. After all, I was one of her loyal prepubescent admirers and then as if she learned some secret ninja shit, she vanished and was nowhere to be found in the sequels.
As usual, I was the one who incited this debate. So, over a few beers, I decided to gauge some of my best friends’ opinions on the Karate Kid films. I was even nice enough to preface my upcoming topic to my cohorts with a very brief overview of how Empire Strikes Back is largely regarded amongst Star Wars fans and movie goers as the best of the Star Wars films. The same usually goes for The Godfather Part 2 and several other movies as well, it’s just that no one ever paid either of the Karate Kid sequels the respect they deserve by officially burying one of them. 
“Since the original Karate Kid is the far superior film in the saga, which of sequels is the best?” I asked them. On this particular night I was in a very “3” mood and was basically in agreement with Frank if it weren’t for the fact that the venerable William Zabka did not appear in it. Other times, such as right after I saw Karate Kid Part 2 in the summer of 1986, (at the now defunct and dilapidated Amboy Multiplex Cinema in Sayreville) I was riding it’s excitement and naturally a huge proponent of The Karate Kid Part 2. But as Batman said in another less lauded film sequel, Batman Returns, “…Things change.”

As we continued to mull over the high and lows of the saga, we examined each film’s minute details which were otherwise ignored, traded barbs, and also inadvertently made jokes to the point where I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. That’s when something happened that halted The All Valley Giggle Fest 2011.

At that very second, a loud bell broke the laughter. It was my iPhone notifying me of a new text message. I leaned over to the coffee table and I was momentarily stunned after I read it’s eerily timed message. I showed my friends, and as we stood there dumbfounded with our mouths hanging open, we all simultaneously turned into “Ted” Theodore Logan and gave a collective “WHOA!”

Nick Text Message

It’s not unlike Sexy Armpit writer Nick “N.J” Holden to text me famous movie quotes at random times, but this one made me feel like he should be Pete Venkman’s next guest on World of The Psychic! I wasn’t sure if it was just a one off movie line or whoever was possessing Nick wanted to continue going back and forth. For a few seconds I felt that if we came back with the wrong line some death machine like in a SAW movie would come out and torture us. Nah, it was just Nick…or was it? Is his cell phone equipped with GPS and ESP? We continued sending back the follow up lines as if we were defending our honor in a karate tournament.

Ad Jerseum 4: AT&T on the GSP

Ad Jerseum: So much Jersey advertising it’ll make you vomit!

new jersey,cell phones,at&t

I really don’t care if you can or can’t hear me now. I don’t give a crap that you think Luke Wilson got fat. Who’s the biggest, who’s the best, 4G or 35G, who has the iPhone killer; the answers to all of these questions are meaningless. If only our brain power went into important things rather than worrying about how to swindle your way out of your cell contract and bypassing termination fees so you can switch and get that phone you really wanted. 

After seeing ads like the one pictured above, ATT may have convinced you to switch over to their service despite incessant complaints about it’s poor coverage. Perhaps seeing your future swayed your thinking a little bit. Millions of people drive the Garden State Parkway to head to the Jersey Shore in the summer, and God forbid you don’t have a cellphone! Do people forget the severe legal penalties that exist for talking on a cell phone while driving? I see about half of the people on the road yapping away without a care in the world. Ahh, who cares, right? In this advertisement, those cars are lined up in “full bars formation,” so as long as we have coverage to talk to our friend Melissa with the whiny Staten Island accent and the 4 foot long fingernails then all is right with the world.

Whether you’re using an iPhone, a Droid, a Blackberry, 2 tin cans with a string, or mental telepathy to communicate, it’s all B.S. The fact that I hear people on a daily basis engaging in heated debates about what cell phone carrier has the best service is complete idiocy. The bottom line is that all of the companies suck ass because they all provide mediocre service, atrocious customer service, and are ridiculously overpriced. You can buy the cheapest voice plan, but when you want a smartphone they tell you that you can’t have one unless you buy an unlimited or high priced data plan. You started out thinking you would save some cash by getting a cheap voice plan and then you wind up paying more than double thanks to the data plan and the various extra charges and fees. Who knows what those are for. At that point, you realize you’re paying $100 bucks a month so you can download one stupid ESPN app. What’s more important is the fact that many of us actually are paying over $100 bucks monthly for a single cell phone plan.

Please stop buying into all the hype. ATT vs. Verizon is like McDonald’s vs. Burger King and Pepsi vs. Coca Cola. We’ll never see the end of it, but can’t we stop with all the nonsense about coverage and if you can hear me know, and reliability, and missed calls? I personally don’t give a crap. IT’S A CELL PHONE FOR F-CKS SAKE! We’re not deciding the fate of the world here people! There are so many more important things that I’d prefer my mind get bombarded with during the duration of a day than having to listen to the public girl fighting between two ridiculously rich and greedy cell phone companies. 

Wireless providers should have learned long ago that lobbing lame insults at each other only makes them look weak, and it’s NOT what I call advertising. Bitching about each other is what happens in high school. Get the f-ck over yourselves. So to all the cell phone providers out there, Verizon, ATT, T-Mobile, Sprint, etc, you all need to MAN UP and learn how to make a convincing case for your product without acting like little immature children. And obvious New Jersey puns are off limits as well.

How to Spend Your iTunes Gift Card if You’re from New Jersey


Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas ($9.99) holiday/comedy – The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album was released in November ’09 and it’s already a Christmas classic on my iPod. Meatwad makes me laugh my ass off! Meat Navi-wad!!! Highly recommended if you’re a fan of the Aqua Teen crew from South Jersey.

No Offense: Live From NJ – Jeffrey Ross ($9.99) comedy

Jersey Girls – Rye Coalition – also featuring other whimsical song titles such as “ZZ Topless” and “Speed Metal Tap Dancer.” (only partial album available)
White Boys from New Jersey – Let the Listener Beware EP ($4.95) comedy
New Jersey Kings – Party to the Bus Stop ($8.91) funk/soul/jazz
The Jersey Devil is Here: Darren Deicide ($8.91) – hard to put your finger on this one, but it’s catchy, fun, and dark simultaneously. Download it if you’re daring and ready for something different.
Jersey Dance Syndicate: Bon Jovi Medley ($9.99) – This actually exists. It feels sort of silly listening to “Blood on Blood” with a pulsing dance beat, but there’s a place for everything in this world especially when you have $0.99 cents burning a hole in your iTunes account and you’ve just always wanted a disco version of “In and Out of Love” and a Wham style “Dry County,” it’s so f-cked up that it’s kind of cool. Perfect for those middle aged women motivated while on the treadmill.


“Lonely on the Streets Jersey City” – The Casualties – ” track #11 on We Are All We Have ($0.99)

“Being From Jersey Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry” – Cobra Starship – track #1 on While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets – what is it with the convoluted song and album titles on the Fueled by Ramen record label? ($0.99)

“Better Off in Jersey” – Crash Romeo – track #11 on Gave Me the Clap ($0.99)

“Jersey Bounce” – Ella Fitgerald – track #6 on Clap Hands, Here Comes Charlie! ($0.99)
“Bomb New Jersey” – Voltaire – ” track #6 on Ooky Spooky  ($0.99)

Hometown Tales ($2.99) app


“Hotel NJ” Starfucker – track #1 on For Crying Out Loud! ($0.99)

Living on the Edge of the World: New Jersey Writers Take On the Garden State by Irina Reyn app/book ($13.99)

WFMU Radio (FREE) app

“Jersey” – Kilogram – track #4 on Nobody Believed ($0.99)
“Sleepin’ On Jersey” – Naughty by Nature and Queen Latifah – track #12 on 19 Naughty III ($0.99)

NJ Devils by Alan Braun (FREE)

Weird NJ ($2.99) and Weird NJ Hauntings (FREE) app

“Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey” – Big Swing Face – track #1 on Mutant Mosquitoes from New Jersey jazz/big band/swing ($0.99)
The Toxic Avenger Musical Soundtrack (9.99)
“…/New Jersey” – Gilbert Gottfried track #7 on Dirty Jokes ($0.99)

“The 12 Days of Christmas…Jersey Style” – Cast of Jersey Boys track #9 on Broadway’s Carols for a Cure Vol.11 ($0.99)

A New Jersey Story: Continuous Mix by Mr.Chinn – Gary Davis ($9.99)

“10 Coolest Things About New Jersey” – Bloodhound Gang – track #17 on Hooray for Boobies (album only) ($9.99)
What Am I Doing in New Jersey? – George Carlin ($9.99) comedy
“Jersey Born and Livin’ On” – Bruce Jovi and The Smoove Sailors ($0.99)

“New Jersey Girl” – Nerf Herder – American Cheese track #12 ($0.99)
“Rime of the Ancient Mariner” – Iron Maiden – Live at IZOD Center 3/14/08 track #9 Flight 666 ($16.99) ALBUM ONLY? WHA WHA WHAT?
“Jersey Shore” – The Architects – track #5 on Vice ($0.99)


Vanity – American Angel –  ($9.99)

Down Jersey: Songs and Stories of Southern Jersey: Jim Albertson ($9.90) – a singer/songwriter who performs songs inspired by NJ. There’s also a spoken word piece explaining the origin of the Jersey Devil.

“Jersey Boy” – Eddie Rabbitt – track #9 on Jersey Boy ($0.99)

“Surfin’ the Jersey Shore” – The Giraffes – track #6 on franksquilt ($0.99)

“New Jersey is for Dreamers” – Stereo Summer – track #2 on Stereo Summer EP ($0.99)
NJ Pick 6 Lottery report collection by Kulusoft ($1.99)

Phucked Up iPhone Phlub

I guess me and iPhone were not meant to be, at least for now.

On Friday I was feeling a little wacky, perhaps impulsive. I was overcome with an urge to get an iPhone. When the original iPhone came out I didn’t feel like being my usual pretentious “early adopter” self. I exhibited restraint, took a deep breath, and calmed my impatience. I told myself to wait it out, especially since the prices were extremely high. Another reason why I held off was because I had just taken advantage of my upgrade offer from AT&T and purchased the Samsung Blackjack. I wasn’t too fond of it, but to me it was the best of the worst. That Blackjack has since bit the dust and now resides in the great cell site in the sky. Actually, I jumped in the pool at Harrah’s Atlantic City, forgetting that I had it in my pocket! That really sucked. Considering I had to replace it for close to $300 bucks!
Traditionally, I hate all phones that are released from every company. Bitter is a nice way of describing my feelings toward all cell phones in existence so I was hoping that the iPhone would finally be the Christmas spirit to my Skeletor. I could list 500 reasons why all cell phones suck but that would get repetitive and just plain silly toward the end. The hope, the light at the end of the tunnel for me will be the iPhone. If not, I’ll be doomed to have shitty phones for the rest of my life and I’ll continue to hate on all cell phone manufacturers for distributing such crap.

Friday was going to be my day. I was pumped. I knew I wasn’t eligible for an upgrade until November 1st but after spending a lifetime on the phone with ATT customer service, I swindled an early upgrade. Once I got to the store they said “Sorry sir, your early upgrade doesn’t qualify for the iPhone.” Well gee I wish they would’ve freakin’ told me that while I was waiting on hold for an eternity to get a customer service rep to grant me an early upgrade. They basically cockblocked me. How does it make sense for AT&T NOT to sell me the iPhone? My upgrade date was modified so it was actually NOW and they wouldn’t sell me the iPhone!

Here’s how their stupidity breaks down: My plan right now is $39.99 and once all the taxes, and extra charges for text messaging factor in, my bill is about $60 – $65 dollars a month.
If I got the iPhone the plans for phone and text messaging and internet would run me at the very least $100 a month. That’s 40 extra dollars a month that I’d be giving to AT&T! $480 in a year is way more than I’d even spend on any phone. They were going to let me upgrade to a different phone which could’ve been as expensive as the iphone such as a Blackberry or another top of the line smartphone. Don’t you think that they should just sell me the iPhone at $200 instead of plain flat out letting me walk out of the store without shelling out any money?

They really wanted me to buy the iPhone at regular price which is still in my opinion too expensive. No, scratch that…the iPhone is probably worth spending all that money. But all the times I paid full price for shitty phones cancels out my desire for shelling out loads of cash for phones in the future. Let’s hope they don’t give me any shit in November when I’m “officially” eligible for an upgrade. If not, someone’s gonna get upgraded to a nice, sleek, punch in the face.