Phucked Up iPhone Phlub

I guess me and iPhone were not meant to be, at least for now.

On Friday I was feeling a little wacky, perhaps impulsive. I was overcome with an urge to get an iPhone. When the original iPhone came out I didn’t feel like being my usual pretentious “early adopter” self. I exhibited restraint, took a deep breath, and calmed my impatience. I told myself to wait it out, especially since the prices were extremely high. Another reason why I held off was because I had just taken advantage of my upgrade offer from AT&T and purchased the Samsung Blackjack. I wasn’t too fond of it, but to me it was the best of the worst. That Blackjack has since bit the dust and now resides in the great cell site in the sky. Actually, I jumped in the pool at Harrah’s Atlantic City, forgetting that I had it in my pocket! That really sucked. Considering I had to replace it for close to $300 bucks!
Traditionally, I hate all phones that are released from every company. Bitter is a nice way of describing my feelings toward all cell phones in existence so I was hoping that the iPhone would finally be the Christmas spirit to my Skeletor. I could list 500 reasons why all cell phones suck but that would get repetitive and just plain silly toward the end. The hope, the light at the end of the tunnel for me will be the iPhone. If not, I’ll be doomed to have shitty phones for the rest of my life and I’ll continue to hate on all cell phone manufacturers for distributing such crap.

Friday was going to be my day. I was pumped. I knew I wasn’t eligible for an upgrade until November 1st but after spending a lifetime on the phone with ATT customer service, I swindled an early upgrade. Once I got to the store they said “Sorry sir, your early upgrade doesn’t qualify for the iPhone.” Well gee I wish they would’ve freakin’ told me that while I was waiting on hold for an eternity to get a customer service rep to grant me an early upgrade. They basically cockblocked me. How does it make sense for AT&T NOT to sell me the iPhone? My upgrade date was modified so it was actually NOW and they wouldn’t sell me the iPhone!

Here’s how their stupidity breaks down: My plan right now is $39.99 and once all the taxes, and extra charges for text messaging factor in, my bill is about $60 – $65 dollars a month.
If I got the iPhone the plans for phone and text messaging and internet would run me at the very least $100 a month. That’s 40 extra dollars a month that I’d be giving to AT&T! $480 in a year is way more than I’d even spend on any phone. They were going to let me upgrade to a different phone which could’ve been as expensive as the iphone such as a Blackberry or another top of the line smartphone. Don’t you think that they should just sell me the iPhone at $200 instead of plain flat out letting me walk out of the store without shelling out any money?

They really wanted me to buy the iPhone at regular price which is still in my opinion too expensive. No, scratch that…the iPhone is probably worth spending all that money. But all the times I paid full price for shitty phones cancels out my desire for shelling out loads of cash for phones in the future. Let’s hope they don’t give me any shit in November when I’m “officially” eligible for an upgrade. If not, someone’s gonna get upgraded to a nice, sleek, punch in the face.

Harrah’s Phone Sex Customer Service Center

I experienced another strange moment in Atlantic City recently. I was attempting to cancel a reservation I had at one of the hotels so I got my card, glanced at the phone number, and dialed.
What I was expecting to hear was “Thank you for calling Harrah’s Entertainment reservation services” in an overly exuberant female voice. This is basically the one stop phone call you need to make if you need some customer service regarding the various Harrah’s owned hotels. To prove that this isn’t made up, that number is 1(800)473-9273. Being the inebriated guy that I was was that night I lackadaisically punched in 1(800) 473-9277 into my phone instead.

“mmmm get it hot and wet with the naughtiest girls around…ooooh just sit back relax and whip it out baby!”

I had quite a few Amstel Lights at that point and I lacked the proper amount of brain capacity to realize that I dialed the wrong number. Naturally, my mind had wandered a little bit.

“mmm uhhh all calls $1.99 – $5.99 per minute!”

Are they freaking out of their minds? Once the sexy voice elaborated on the pricing options “$7.99 for all one on one and virtual chat sessions,” that is when I felt like I was hit in the head with one of the phone sex operator’s giant dildos. But I actually wasn’t hit with it. It was actually the realization that I needed to be on the phone with Harrah’s, not some overpriced phone sex line. Harrah’s didn’t mention anything in their F.A.Q to beware of similiar phone numbers. It’s kind of like the guy who buys similiar domain names to the popular ones and hordes all of the erroneous traffic.

Is this sex line trying to prey on drunken Atlantic City goers? Are they assuming that they’ll misdial and fall into the trap of the $5.99 per minute phone sex line? Well, I didn’t fall for it, I snapped out of the “Dream Weaver” sequence that was going on in the cloud to the left of my head and immediately hung up. It’s common practice for me to scratch my head and say “What the hell?” when stuff like this happens. Most times when you dial the wrong number you wind up just getting some unsuspecting common person. This obviously is not the case when dialing the wrong number to a gambling establishment! They’ll suck you right in. There’s a lot of shmucky guys that would totally buy into that. Personally, I don’t need a phone sex line to assist me in my quest, especially when their charging such astronomical amounts of money! Up to $5.99 per minute? WTF? Gas per gallon isn’t even that much!

I bet every combination (look they got me..I just said “I bet”) of wrong #s to that service center will lead to 1) get yourself out of debt schemes, 2) timeshare sales 3) and more phone sex lines. Take my advice, don’t be weak and get sucked in. Go get sucked for real. If you don’t, you might wind up on the line with the woman at the end of the Aerosmith video!!!

I’ll have you know, this is not the first time this happened either! Click here to read about the last time this happened to me!

UPS is WET and HORNY all the time!!!

OK so, sometimes I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing. We’ve all been there. Occasionally I’ll look in my sock drawer and pick out what I thought were black socks, but I actually wasn’t looking and picked out white socks! Of course, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m damn tired so there’s an excuse. In other situations I’ll mess numbers up…especially phone numbers. Have you ever misdialed and been totally baffled at who answered? Sometimes it’s someone you sooo did not expect!

During the Christmas season I usually buy a lot of gifts online. This always makes things easier so I won’t have to fight traffic. There is a downside though. I live in a condo and if UPS is making a delivery and I’m not home, they won’t leave the package at the door. Most times that I expect a delivery I’ll come home to an annoying yellow notice stuck to my door. Seeing that notice on my door pretty much defeats the purpose of getting the package mailed to me. This actually makes things more difficult because then I have to haul myself over to the local UPS hub. It’s not that it’s so far, it’s just that there’s a mongoloid that works there. I try not to go there if I can avoid it. But sure enough, every time I need to pick up a package the fat, bald, beady eyed, mongoloid is behind the counter being creepy.

Before you can even pick the package up you have to call UPS and let them know that you want to schedule a pick up rather than have them attempt another delivery. I usually don’t mind calling because their help line is automated and it’s not as bad as some other companies. A computerized female answers and asks how she can help and tells you to punch in or say your Infonotice number. Surprisingly, when you answer it typically understands what you’re saying so the amount of times you have to repeat yourself isn’t too great. The lady’s voice, we’ll call her Joan, is fairly inviting which is why calling to schedule a pickup isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve grown pretty used to calling although I’ve haven’t done it while driving in pouring rain. There’s always a first time though. ** WARNING RANDOM ALLITERATION**Keep in mind that dialing a cell phone while driving may deem detrimental to your day.

I steered with one hand and grabbed my blackberry with the other and dialed what I thought was the right number. Instead of dialing 1-800-833-9943, I wound up dialing 1-800-833-9433. I was anticipating reciting my tracking number and scheduling the pickup. Instead of hearing Joan ask me for my infonotice number I hear “Oh baby I‘m so glad you called, i’m so wet and horny all the time and my husband just can’t satisfy me. I’m a sex starved cheating young wife and I need a stud like you NOW!”

I was taken off guard since wet, horny housewives are probably the furthest thing from my mind when calling the United Parcel Service…maybe FedEx because at least there’s that ironic FedSex T-shirt. I hung up not because I was being a prude but because I thought I was going to have to pay for the call! Then I thought, shit… I was on the company phone instead of my cell! What if they look at the bill and it says JAY CALLED PHONE SEX at 6:44 AM…he’s one sick and perverse guy!! In conclusion, UPS does provide a service that’s for sure, but it’s more about arousing the package rather than shipping it.