UPS is WET and HORNY all the time!!!

OK so, sometimes I’m not really paying attention to what I’m doing. We’ve all been there. Occasionally I’ll look in my sock drawer and pick out what I thought were black socks, but I actually wasn’t looking and picked out white socks! Of course, it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m damn tired so there’s an excuse. In other situations I’ll mess numbers up…especially phone numbers. Have you ever misdialed and been totally baffled at who answered? Sometimes it’s someone you sooo did not expect!

During the Christmas season I usually buy a lot of gifts online. This always makes things easier so I won’t have to fight traffic. There is a downside though. I live in a condo and if UPS is making a delivery and I’m not home, they won’t leave the package at the door. Most times that I expect a delivery I’ll come home to an annoying yellow notice stuck to my door. Seeing that notice on my door pretty much defeats the purpose of getting the package mailed to me. This actually makes things more difficult because then I have to haul myself over to the local UPS hub. It’s not that it’s so far, it’s just that there’s a mongoloid that works there. I try not to go there if I can avoid it. But sure enough, every time I need to pick up a package the fat, bald, beady eyed, mongoloid is behind the counter being creepy.

Before you can even pick the package up you have to call UPS and let them know that you want to schedule a pick up rather than have them attempt another delivery. I usually don’t mind calling because their help line is automated and it’s not as bad as some other companies. A computerized female answers and asks how she can help and tells you to punch in or say your Infonotice number. Surprisingly, when you answer it typically understands what you’re saying so the amount of times you have to repeat yourself isn’t too great. The lady’s voice, we’ll call her Joan, is fairly inviting which is why calling to schedule a pickup isn’t that big of a deal to me. I’ve grown pretty used to calling although I’ve haven’t done it while driving in pouring rain. There’s always a first time though. ** WARNING RANDOM ALLITERATION**Keep in mind that dialing a cell phone while driving may deem detrimental to your day.

I steered with one hand and grabbed my blackberry with the other and dialed what I thought was the right number. Instead of dialing 1-800-833-9943, I wound up dialing 1-800-833-9433. I was anticipating reciting my tracking number and scheduling the pickup. Instead of hearing Joan ask me for my infonotice number I hear “Oh baby I‘m so glad you called, i’m so wet and horny all the time and my husband just can’t satisfy me. I’m a sex starved cheating young wife and I need a stud like you NOW!”

I was taken off guard since wet, horny housewives are probably the furthest thing from my mind when calling the United Parcel Service…maybe FedEx because at least there’s that ironic FedSex T-shirt. I hung up not because I was being a prude but because I thought I was going to have to pay for the call! Then I thought, shit… I was on the company phone instead of my cell! What if they look at the bill and it says JAY CALLED PHONE SEX at 6:44 AM…he’s one sick and perverse guy!! In conclusion, UPS does provide a service that’s for sure, but it’s more about arousing the package rather than shipping it.

Well isn’t that just f—ing Comcastic!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to connect a friggin‘ cable box. Why is that when you want to get a brand new cable subscription they want a cable guy to come to your house and hook it up for you? The installation charges, $9.95, were minimal and didn’t bother me. What I find ridiculous is that they shouldn’t make it mandatory that someone comes to your home. It should be a service that’s offered if you’re a total doofus when it comes to anything even remotely technical. I thought they had self install kits but after asking about it, they claim they only offer that for High Speed Internet and not cable.
When you schedule the cable guy to come to your home they’re nice enough to give you a window of time that he’s supposed to come. That estimate is about as accurate as saying “Well sir, he possibly might come at some point during the day.” “He’ll be there between 1 and 3 PM” said the woman on the other end of the phone at Comcast. As the time neared 2:30 I was on the phone in no time asking where this motherf’er is. I had to be in my condo at 1 and stay until 3, and when it was 3 he was nowhere to be found. I get a call at around 3:30 from the cable guy who will be coming. He’s completely lost and he barely speaks English. I gathered from my keen observation skills that he was asking me to help him get to my condo so I needed to stay on the phone. Well wasn’t he a little lost, pushy bastard! There I was waiting in the empty condo trying to explain to this guy who had marbles in his mouth how to get to my condo from a neighboring town less than 2 miles away. As I clearly explained what route to take he still asked me to stay on the phone with him. Shouldn’t DIRECTIONS be something that these guys leave their building with? Perhaps a brain might come in handy as well. How are these guys going to get their jobs done without a Mapquest printout or a freakin‘ GPS system in their truck? What if they send Fedex guys out to drop off packages without giving them the addresses of the places they need to go?
The guy finally gets to the condo at 4:30 pm and obviously goes to the wrong building as I stand in my window and throw my forehead into my hand in disgust. I call him to tell him he’s going into the wrong building. (Numbers are blatantly marked on the windows of the building lobbies.) Once he comes in he hands me the cable box and asks ME if I knew how to hook it up! I felt like telling him, we could have avoided this mess if they would have just let me do it on my own. That’s why I asked if I could do it on my own to begin with. After he basically asked if I could do his job for him and still pay Comcast $9.95, I began hooking it up in mere seconds while he went outside to make sure the switch to my unit was turned on. When he came back he asked me if I had a drink for him. I said “Sure what would you like, I have soda, water, iced tea?”” He asked if I had Sprite. Well aren’t we picky now! He should have been thankful that I was so agreeable with his request. I said “I have Mountain Dew.” He said he wanted that and he gulped it down like his body depended on this dew to keep him alive. What’s wrong with these guys? They have no drinks for them either? A vending machine? Once he started on the internet he had to call in my mac address because I have my own modem. His call on his cell phone kept dropping and he had to keep calling back in. (He called back in 3 times because every time he read the mac address she couldn’t hear it.)
And the moral of the story: I was impatient. If I had waited just a few days after this fiasco I saw a Comcast commercial on TV advertising their latest promotion: Cable self install kits. FUUUCK!