Jersey’s Own Soda

I read about Jersey’s Own Soda‘s in a magazine almost a year ago. Since then, my purpose in life has been to taste every flavor. Almost a year has passed and I totally forgot about trying to get a hold of a few bottles. They are only available in a short list of stores in Jersey, so not seeing them in a local 7-11, and not being bombarded with advertisements caused me to easily forget them.
Recently, I remembered to visit the company’s website so I placed an order. Of course, I had to order every flavor they had available. The flavor offering doesn’t consist of the typical fare like Cola, or Orange, nope, all the names are Jersey related. It’s a cool gimmick for myself, and the 16 other people who read this blog, dig obscure beverages, and actually revere this state for some reason. Unfortunately, I was disappointed because these are just bottles of soda with the Jersey’s Own sticker slapped onto them.
After ordering a complete set of flavors, I waited close to 2 months to receive the shipment. The owner explained that there was a glitch in their system or something along those lines. Whatever, it didn’t matter since I was really excited to sample some new sodas. I was under the impression that they might be something special or different than other brands on the shelves. I was definitely wrong, except for one of the flavors, which I’ll get to shortly.
My main gripe with Jersey’s Own Soda is that they are plain old run of the mill sodas. The latest trend in soft drinks is that healthier is in. Many of the companies are touting their use of cane sugar and other natural ingredients in their drinks because of how satanic high fructose corn syrup is. I hear it actually causes you to piss out of your nipples and poop out your nose. What are they thinking using high fructose corn syrup? Shit, they might as well be a frigging store brand like Dr. Thunder or Mountain Lightning.

Here’s a breakdown of the flavors, all imported from New Jersey, and infused with all natural toxins:
Passaic River Punch – the only flavor that impressed me. At first glance, you’ll notice why the name is humorous. Passaic River Punch is a murky green color, almost as if you were gulping down handfuls of water from the polluted river, which is home to many a mutated fish. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this punch, because aside from the random trip to Taco Bell for a cool Baja Blast, I rarely drink soda. And that’s the nearest comparison I have for you. From what I gather, Baja Blast is made up of pineapple and lime flavors and that’s the only guess I have as to what this bold and refreshing mystery flavor consists of.
Route 46 Root Beer – One of the better tasting entries in the collection. This brew was bordering on being too sweet and had subtle hints of Vanilla, just like many of the great Root Beers out there, but I wanted it to be creamier.
Jersey Devil-Berry – The 2nd original flavor of the bunch pays tribute to the Jersey cryptid. I don’t understand why it’s blue though. I would have preferred a blood red soda to rep J.D, wouldn’t you think? Maybe it was cheaper to buy the banned blue food coloring? They should have just used a knock off of Mountain Dew Code Red or even a generic Fruit Punch Soda. Better yet, an angry, devilish soda that tastes like the Fireball candies. But nooooo, that would have been too perfect, right? If you’re thinking this tasted like Pepsi Blue, don’t, because it doesn’t taste anywhere near as good as that crap. Consider this a teeth rotting melange of Blueberry Windex and Raspberry Ajax.
Bada-Bing Black Cherry – A fun fact: In the Sopranos, none of the dancers at Bada Bing were cherries. Regardless, Bada-Bing Black Cherry works ridiculously better as a fun play on words or as the answer to a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune than it does a soda. Unlike hanging out for a night at Satin Dolls, this soda was just medicore.
South Orange – It seems like the soda namers at Jersey’s Own Beverages gave up on the naming process by this point. The home of Seton Hall University also serves as an appropriate name for Orange soda, except this one is the runt of the litter. Not sure if they were trying to go for a tangerine vibe or even a tangelo, I have no clue. The orange flavor was weak and so inaccurate. You are better off grabbing a can of Shop-Rite brand Orange soda.
Jersey’s Own Soda has the cliche phrase that is synonomous with Jersey, “How You Doin’,” printed on the label. I think it’s cool that we’re such a marketable state that we’ve got our very own soda, but for a higher quality soft drink experience, I recommend Boylan’s. They have the popular vote for being Jersey’s best soda, hands down. They’ve been doing it since 1891! Check them out at Do yourself a favor and get your hands on a bottle of their renowned Creamy Red Birch Beer, it’s glorious.

Mountain Dew Voltage Giveaway!

Mountain Dew Voltage
I tend to complicate my life unnecessarily. Instead of plain old original Mountain Dew being my favorite variety of Mountain Dew, I’ve always enjoyed Baja Blast which is exclusively available at Taco Bell restaurants. 

Mountain Dew Baja Blast
I can’t just go to the grocery store and pick up a 2 liter of Baja Blast, it just doesn’t work that way. The Refreshment Gods have yet to vote on the ruling whether Baja Blast should be available in stores. Why couldn’t I just be obsessed with Mountain Dew Code Red, or Mountain Dew Live Wire? I can’t settle when it comes to my thirst for sparkling Dewy refreshment. I’d rather not be lifted out of my condo by a crane, so obviously I can’t eat at Taco Bell every day just to drink some delicious Baja Blast. Since I’ve come to this realization, I’ve spent most of my free time stumbling around in circles with my head down listening to “The Order of Death” by Public Image Limited. Needless to say, things haven’t been too good for me around here. That is…until I gulped down a few sips of Mountain Dew Voltage
“Drinkin’ Voltage changed our whole perspective on shit!” 
Zoolander, Hansel
Last year, the Mtn. Dew campaign Dewmocracy asked online voters to decide which new flavor would be released next. VOLTAGE reigned over it’s 2 flavor competitors and was released at the end of December ’08. The winning flavor combo is comprised of Raspberry, Citrus, and charged with ginseng. This gives you a nice kick in the pants without the jitters of an energy drink. I’ve been trying to slowly detach myself from energy drinks, and now I have found my savior in Mtn. Dew Voltage.
Head over to where they are blowing out giveaways like a snowboard and video game gear every day.

Mountain Dew Voltage T-Shirt

In honor of Voltage becoming a mainstay here at The Sexy Armpit, we’ve got Mountain Dew Voltage prize packs to give away! The Prize Pack includes an American Apparel Mtn. Dew Voltage T-Shirt, and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew Voltage for you to guzzle down.

Here’s what you have to do:
Write one sentence describing why you love MD Voltage using the words“Mountain Dew Voltage.”  Sentences should be humorous, creative, or bizarre in tone like so:
1) I’ve completely replaced my body’s blood plasma with Mountain Dew Voltage.
2) I always prefer Mountain Dew over Prune Juice.
3) No Jawaharlal, drinking Mtn Dew Voltage will NOT make your penis blue like Dr. Manhattan’s, but I’ve spoke to him personally and he told me that “Dew Voltage tastes extremely gratifying in my tummy.”
4) To all the pansies who drink original Mtn Dew and worry about lowering their sperm count…stop your whining! Mountain Dew Voltage does NOT contain Yellow 5.
5) If I was a Nascar driver, Mountain Dew Voltage would be sponsoring the SHIT out of me
– Be part of the first 10 people to post their sentence in the comments section
– E-mail your address/Subject VOLTAGE 

– Win the prize pack!

– Winners can be from U.S and Canada only!
I look forward to reading your sentences!

“New Pepsi Logo is an Atrocity!” says The Sexy

Last night, I had the genius plan of going to Walmart. Going there is like getting ass from a girl who you know you really don’t want ass from but you convince yourself that you need it and it might not be that bad. Then the minute you leave her house you realize it was a huuuge mistake and the whole ordeal took much longer than it should have. The only good thing that comes out of the situation is that you realize you didn’t catch anything, HOORAY! Even though I probably would’ve rather caught something than waited on the check out line for 45 minutes to buy a can of soda.

As my silly “not based on real life” analogy comes to an abrupt halt, take a gander to the left and peep out this cool retro Pepsi can I found at Walmart last night. Out of all the cool cans that are part of Pepsi’s aluminum retro collection, this is closest to the one I grew up with. “Take the Pepsi Challenge” appears on a banner at the bottom. It brought back memories, especially considering the atrocity that is the latest Pepsi logo…if you can call it a logo. Why is it in this country we constantly feel the need to unnecessarily change things?

Finding this can at the bottom of the shelf in the soda aisle reminded me that I took some pictures of vintage soda art when I was in Las Vegas recently. In the waiting area of the New York, New York Roller Coaster, the walls feature some awesome murals of retro soft drinks. I was easily more enthralled by this artwork than I was the actual roller coaster, which completely sucked ass. It wasn’t a fun time at all and the wait time didn’t justify how shitty the ride was. Perhaps I’m just spoiled living right up the NJ Turnpike from Six Flags Great Adventure.

These murals are from the “soft drink renaissance” of art history. You may recall studying that period in college. Upon careful scrutiny, do you notice anything strange about this one? The messed up thing is that the Mountain Dew cup has the modern day logo rather than it’s retro look.

This mural features the Pepsi challenger race car and 3 classic soft drinks that have been lost to the ages: Pepsi Free, Pepsi Light, and Slice!

When The Sexy Armpit opens “The Soft Drink Hall of Fame,” these 2 pieces will surely be prime exhibits!

Grocery Store Gluttony

I often go on “kicks.” Occasionally it’s a Dorito kick, other times its a certain energy drink. Whatever the ingestable item is, it’s usually way overloaded with carbs and calories and it isn’t vital to maintaining my body’s daily functions. But what’s life without it’s little treats, right? I really just think I have a “Hi My Name is Sucker” sticker tattooed above my left pectoral. I feel myself blowing up into a fat blubbery mess rapidly as I write this post; the calories are even making the words gain weight. Remember how Audrey engorged herself in National Lampoon’s European Vacation? Well, call me Audrey Griswold and today I’ll show you what I’ve been stuffing my face with.


After my recent flight to Vegas, I immediately found myself a new early morning obsession. And NO…it’s not New Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s so get that out of your head! Airplane food is supposed to suck, but on this trip a breakfast epiphany came in the shape of a neat travel sized package of Honey Nut Chex. It was one of those plastic packages where I peeled back the plastic covering, poured the milk right in and I was ready to go. The only time I ever eat Chex is when I’m at a family gathering and my aunt has Chex mix in a bowl. These Honey Nut Chex were a whole different facet of the Chex experience. They made my morning and from that moment I knew had to go on one of my obsession bent shopping sprees to obtain as many varieties of Chex as I could. Since then, my mouth has been enjoying my morning mistress named Honey Nut Chex. Where have they been all my life? Screw Multi-Grain Masturbate-O’s I hear they make you go blind!


Pringles are highly addictive. It’s my theory that their texture has much to do with their popularity. They are crunchy, yet soft at the same time. The variety of flavors offered by Pringles is also another one of their strong points. You might walk into your chip aisle in the store and find up to 6 versions of Pringles. Just the fact that I have that type of choice turns me on. I could hate their product but I would still be completely in love with the idea that I could choose from Chili Cheese, Jalepeno, or Loaded Baked Potato. I don’t fuck with any of those even though they’re no doubt luscious.

While in Vegas I spent $10 for a side of guacamole with my tortilla chips at The Border Grill at Mandalay Bay. Upon my return to the armpit I bought a whole canister of pringles that combined chips and the flavor of guacamole all for around 2 bucks. These chips are a light green color and taste just like guacamole. So forget about having your wallet raped at some Mexican restaraunt when you can go to the store and buy a can of Pringles. I should go back and mention this to them when they offer me guacamole and don’t bother to tell me that they’re going to charge me $10 bucks for it! Rat bastards.


The Soda Wars are an eternal discussion between my friends, family, and I. I don’t know what it is but Soda always incites such a debate. People feel so passionate about their bubbly beverages that they’ll fight to the deaths for them! You’d think Coca-Cola was some sort of messiah. Don’t fuck with fervent fans of Coke and Pepsi because the argument will get you nowhere. For some reason people just get confused when you tell them you’re favorite soda is Dr. Pepper. The DP has always been my favorite soda, even though I did commit a few adulteries with Mountain Dew when I couldn’t stay up studying for those exams back in college. I remember when I was very young and I first had my taste of Soda, Coca-Cola was the only brand I knew of. Naturally that was the only one I asked for until I was finally able to taste Dr. Pepper. As I got older and started shying away from such sugary, syrupy concoctions, I began to prefer Pepsi over Coke if I was forced to make the decision.

Nowadays I try not to drink soda unless it’s the only thing available, Pepsi has released a soda that may very well be exactly what I needed in a soft drink. I’ve tried to end my reliance on energy drinks, and I feel guilty downing regular soda so Diet Pepsi Max has filled the void. It’s taste is so close to real Pepsi that I couldn’t believe it! The fact that the drink also features a jolt of caffeine and ginseng is just an added bonus. If the prescenece of caffeine doesn’t bother you then consider that Diet Pepsi Max is the way Diet Pepsi should taste. As for the jolt of energy, and even with all of the double shots of Amp and Monster that I’ve gulped down, Diet Pepsi Max leaves you off with a slight euphoric feeling. I’m not saying you’re going to run around hugging people, but there’s a definite nice low key buzz without the jitters.


Fuze has a refreshing line of beverages including my preference the Green Tea with honey and ginseng. Somehow it contains 2 servings of vegetables the all important yerba mate. I’ve never heard of yerba mate but it seems to be the latest in trendy foreign plants that may yeild possible health benefits such as stress relief and colon cleansing. Fuze Green Tea also all throws in all that fancy stuff like polyphenols, antioxidants, folic acid, and a plethora of vitamins which may or may not have any effect on me but sound important. In another amazin feat, Fuze also markets versions that claim to help you lose weight, give you energy, refresh your sorry ass, balance your check book, and help you win at poker.


Recently, I was on an Ice Breakers Lemon Iced Tea kick, and I still am, although I found a new variety (pictured above) that are also enjoyable. Watermelon was the grabber for me in this variety pack but I also enjoy the Pink Lemonade flavor. These Ice Breakers turn sour in your mouth so if you’re into that kind of thing then give them a try.


The act of stealing food from a child may be called despicable, but swiping a child’s Scooby Snacks is just plain wrong. I’m kidding, I didn’t steal them, I was bestowed an entire box of individual packages of Scooby Snacks! My mom bought them for my niece and nephew and they didn’t like them so I hit the jackpot. I’ve always been a big fan of Scooby and graham crackers so baking them in the shape of a dog bone and selling them as Scooby snacks is a smooth move on Keebler’s part. There’s been a few different versions of Scooby Snacks on the market but these are the best.

If there’s any other items you’d think I should add to my grocery shopping list please let me know in the comments!

Well isn’t that just f—ing Comcastic!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to connect a friggin‘ cable box. Why is that when you want to get a brand new cable subscription they want a cable guy to come to your house and hook it up for you? The installation charges, $9.95, were minimal and didn’t bother me. What I find ridiculous is that they shouldn’t make it mandatory that someone comes to your home. It should be a service that’s offered if you’re a total doofus when it comes to anything even remotely technical. I thought they had self install kits but after asking about it, they claim they only offer that for High Speed Internet and not cable.
When you schedule the cable guy to come to your home they’re nice enough to give you a window of time that he’s supposed to come. That estimate is about as accurate as saying “Well sir, he possibly might come at some point during the day.” “He’ll be there between 1 and 3 PM” said the woman on the other end of the phone at Comcast. As the time neared 2:30 I was on the phone in no time asking where this motherf’er is. I had to be in my condo at 1 and stay until 3, and when it was 3 he was nowhere to be found. I get a call at around 3:30 from the cable guy who will be coming. He’s completely lost and he barely speaks English. I gathered from my keen observation skills that he was asking me to help him get to my condo so I needed to stay on the phone. Well wasn’t he a little lost, pushy bastard! There I was waiting in the empty condo trying to explain to this guy who had marbles in his mouth how to get to my condo from a neighboring town less than 2 miles away. As I clearly explained what route to take he still asked me to stay on the phone with him. Shouldn’t DIRECTIONS be something that these guys leave their building with? Perhaps a brain might come in handy as well. How are these guys going to get their jobs done without a Mapquest printout or a freakin‘ GPS system in their truck? What if they send Fedex guys out to drop off packages without giving them the addresses of the places they need to go?
The guy finally gets to the condo at 4:30 pm and obviously goes to the wrong building as I stand in my window and throw my forehead into my hand in disgust. I call him to tell him he’s going into the wrong building. (Numbers are blatantly marked on the windows of the building lobbies.) Once he comes in he hands me the cable box and asks ME if I knew how to hook it up! I felt like telling him, we could have avoided this mess if they would have just let me do it on my own. That’s why I asked if I could do it on my own to begin with. After he basically asked if I could do his job for him and still pay Comcast $9.95, I began hooking it up in mere seconds while he went outside to make sure the switch to my unit was turned on. When he came back he asked me if I had a drink for him. I said “Sure what would you like, I have soda, water, iced tea?”” He asked if I had Sprite. Well aren’t we picky now! He should have been thankful that I was so agreeable with his request. I said “I have Mountain Dew.” He said he wanted that and he gulped it down like his body depended on this dew to keep him alive. What’s wrong with these guys? They have no drinks for them either? A vending machine? Once he started on the internet he had to call in my mac address because I have my own modem. His call on his cell phone kept dropping and he had to keep calling back in. (He called back in 3 times because every time he read the mac address she couldn’t hear it.)
And the moral of the story: I was impatient. If I had waited just a few days after this fiasco I saw a Comcast commercial on TV advertising their latest promotion: Cable self install kits. FUUUCK!