Doritos: Late Night – For Those With The Munchies


Blissful moments are rarities in life depending on how you look at things. To some, a blissful moment might be watching their child blow a dandelion into the wind or taking a deep breath of fresh air on a sunny day while walking around the park. For the inner couch potato such as myself, that same wonderful feeling is captured when a crunchy, seasoned, triangle of corn gets placed on my tongue like communion. This triangle of corn I speak of is more commonly referred to as the Dorito. It’s pungent odor infiltrates my nostrils and it’s taste ignites my senses. No, you’re not reading a Dorito advertisement, but this is one of life’s grand moments and it should be described with proper sentiments. Hell, I don’t mind telling the world how much I love eating Doritos and they aren’t even paying me! But what I’d rather discuss is the lack of advertising for these 2 new additions to the Dorito lineup.

I found 2 flavors from the new Doritos line, “Late Night,” at the local Target store in NJ. When I saw them on the shelf, as always, my heart skipped a beat. It was as if I was running through a meadow and the bags had arms and legs and were valiantly dashing toward me. I didn’t just see 2 bags of Doritos, no way, we found each other and we didn’t even need Plenty of Fish. I gently placed the bags into the top of my shopping cart as if they were sexy twin Playboy playmates. I’m not gonna lie, I may have caressed the bags at one point or another throughout my 3-hour Target tour. I don’t want to hear about how weird you think it is…not even for a second! You would need some attention also if you had to wait for me to wander into the toy section, the DVD aisle, and try on all the lame hats.

In an attempt to grab the attention of late night munchie maniacs, the lettering on these bags glow in neon lights. It was difficult, but I was fairly positive that I was staring at a bag of chips, not at a drive-thru like Taco Bell. Close but no Chalupa said the chiuaua. Are you one of those people who get excited at knowing Taco Bell and White Castle are open late so you can soak up all the alcohol you just downed? Then these tortilla chips may just be perfect for you.

Tacos at Midnight: I’d say the flavor accuracy is dead on in these chips. Heavily dusted, they truly give off an immediate taste of eating classic crunchy tacos. It brought me back to when I was a kid and we had taco night at my house. It was fun because my mom would set out bowls of toppings and we’d jam pack the crunchy shells. As soon as we took the first bite everything would fall out. From that moment it was only soft tacos for me. I give Doritos credit for engineering a truly genuine taco flavor, I can’t say I really enjoy them though. They didn’t taste zesty at all and lacked the punch I was hoping for. I can only consider these to be a mediocre addition to the Dorito line.

Last Call Jalapeno Popper: All I have to say is thank the LORD that these weren’t called “Last Call with Carson Daly Poppers.” That would be theeeee worst TV show tie-in in the history of the world. What the f–k kind of flavor would they give Carson Daly? Probably “ass” flavored Doritos, but if we’re lucky it would be NyQuil flavored so we’d fall asleep soundly before his show even went on! Jalapeno Poppers as an appetizer always sound great in theory, but after you have a bunch of them, you realize they weren’t such a good idea. I can handle hot food, especially Jalapenos, but there’s something about mixing them with various rich cheeses that gets me queasy after forcing down Jalapeno Popper #11. I try to stick to small doses of J.P’s, but when it comes to Doritos, as I’ve stated numerous times, I can typically eat a half bag of Doritos without even thinking. That didn’t bode so well considering that after eating a bunch of these I was left feeling really gross. With Nacho Cheese Doritos I always finish feeling like I could easily annihilate 16 more bags. If your eating something called “Last Call Jalapeno Poppers,” it’s probably because there were 3 or 4 poppers left on a baking sheet that fell on the floor in the kitchen of Bennigan’s and they figured it would be a nice gesture to bring out some FREE SNACKS! Obviously people drink more when they’ve just eaten a bunch of hot, salty balls. More beer please! Unfortunately, I can only rate the Last Call Jalapeno Popper a half a step above the Tacos at Midnight variation.

I don’t see a proclamation on their bags stating these new Doritos are for a “limited time only,” or a “special edition.” That’s usually just another way of stating, “this is just a test.” Even though they aren’t anywhere near as good as Doritos Collisions, why not exploit these bad boys?

Mountain Dew Voltage Giveaway!

Mountain Dew Voltage
I tend to complicate my life unnecessarily. Instead of plain old original Mountain Dew being my favorite variety of Mountain Dew, I’ve always enjoyed Baja Blast which is exclusively available at Taco Bell restaurants. 

Mountain Dew Baja Blast
I can’t just go to the grocery store and pick up a 2 liter of Baja Blast, it just doesn’t work that way. The Refreshment Gods have yet to vote on the ruling whether Baja Blast should be available in stores. Why couldn’t I just be obsessed with Mountain Dew Code Red, or Mountain Dew Live Wire? I can’t settle when it comes to my thirst for sparkling Dewy refreshment. I’d rather not be lifted out of my condo by a crane, so obviously I can’t eat at Taco Bell every day just to drink some delicious Baja Blast. Since I’ve come to this realization, I’ve spent most of my free time stumbling around in circles with my head down listening to “The Order of Death” by Public Image Limited. Needless to say, things haven’t been too good for me around here. That is…until I gulped down a few sips of Mountain Dew Voltage
“Drinkin’ Voltage changed our whole perspective on shit!” 
Zoolander, Hansel
Last year, the Mtn. Dew campaign Dewmocracy asked online voters to decide which new flavor would be released next. VOLTAGE reigned over it’s 2 flavor competitors and was released at the end of December ’08. The winning flavor combo is comprised of Raspberry, Citrus, and charged with ginseng. This gives you a nice kick in the pants without the jitters of an energy drink. I’ve been trying to slowly detach myself from energy drinks, and now I have found my savior in Mtn. Dew Voltage.
Head over to where they are blowing out giveaways like a snowboard and video game gear every day.

Mountain Dew Voltage T-Shirt

In honor of Voltage becoming a mainstay here at The Sexy Armpit, we’ve got Mountain Dew Voltage prize packs to give away! The Prize Pack includes an American Apparel Mtn. Dew Voltage T-Shirt, and a 20 oz. Mountain Dew Voltage for you to guzzle down.

Here’s what you have to do:
Write one sentence describing why you love MD Voltage using the words“Mountain Dew Voltage.”  Sentences should be humorous, creative, or bizarre in tone like so:
1) I’ve completely replaced my body’s blood plasma with Mountain Dew Voltage.
2) I always prefer Mountain Dew over Prune Juice.
3) No Jawaharlal, drinking Mtn Dew Voltage will NOT make your penis blue like Dr. Manhattan’s, but I’ve spoke to him personally and he told me that “Dew Voltage tastes extremely gratifying in my tummy.”
4) To all the pansies who drink original Mtn Dew and worry about lowering their sperm count…stop your whining! Mountain Dew Voltage does NOT contain Yellow 5.
5) If I was a Nascar driver, Mountain Dew Voltage would be sponsoring the SHIT out of me
– Be part of the first 10 people to post their sentence in the comments section
– E-mail your address/Subject VOLTAGE 

– Win the prize pack!

– Winners can be from U.S and Canada only!
I look forward to reading your sentences!

I heard of Coal for Christmas, but E. Coli?

Where are the stoners, slackers, and lovers of artificial Mexican cuisine going to get their sustenance? The outbreak of E. Coli in the Tri-State area specifically New Jersey has sparked a major media reaction. The news has been all over this story and with good reason. Not too long ago in this very blog I was raving about how heavenly Taco Bell food is. And if it weren’t for a few bad scallions I’d probably still tell you the same thing. Hell, a couple of diseased vegetables can’t kill such a great fast food chain. Taco Bell shall overcome.

As I continute to desperately sprint for the border and grasp onto what little piece of glory is left of the Taco Bell legacy, let me tell you about the Secret Santa swap we’re doing at work. It’s imperative that you know how I despise Secret Santa swaps. They are insipid. Fortunately this year, a woman at work decided to tweak the tradition ever so slightly so we can all enjoy it a bit more. She came up with writing not only our name, but also 3 things we would like for $20 on our little secret ballot. I think that’s a lot better than getting some dumbass gift you would never ask for or want in your entire life. So, I wrote down an Amazon gift card, followed by…(drum roll) $20 bucks in Taco Bell gift certificates! Mind you, this was only about a week before the E.Coli outbreak hit the news. I was so pumped to get the oddest, most white trash Secret Santa gift in history. In an effort to save myself from shitting blood I decided (against my better wishes) to take good ol’ Taco Bell off my Secret Santa ballot. I didn’t want the punch line of this story to go down like this:

Jay: Hey Suzy, what did you get from the Secret Santa swap?
Suzy: Bob got me a great flashlight/umbrella hybrid, what did you get?
Jay: I got E.Coli. I never wanted it to end this way.
Suzy: Oh stop, your life isn’t over…yet! You still haven’t finished your Extreme Supreme Chalupa with extra scallions.
Jay: Death by Chalupa. I guess the bell tolls for me.

Honeymooning with Tomkat and Taco Bell Cuisine

As Tom and Katie (I refuse to call them Tomkat) get ready for their honeymoon, I am getting ready to straighten up my room. It’s nowhere near as exciting as what they’ll probably be doing. Hell, maybe just to spice my day up I’ll hop up on my bed and start clenching my fists in a manner of sheer joy. I’ll pretend I’m on a talk show and I need to let everyone know how happy I am that I have to do laundry and organize all the shit in my room. That’s reason to celebrate.

Last night I had Taco Bell for dinner. And NO, I didn’t “run for the border,” I just went to Taco Bell. I’m sure Tomkat (ok, it’s easier) would laugh at the fact that a peon like me would eat trash like Taco Bell for a meal. I’ll tell you something, it was really fucking good. It was abnormally good as a matter of fact. I had a chalupa and bunch of other nonsense. What brought it all together was the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. I’ve had this many times before but this time it was so refreshing and I’m not sure why it seemed so much better. It tingled my senses. I hope I don’t get addicted to Taco Bell because then I’ll get fat and I’ll need to start going to Subway to lose weight.