Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

“Better late than never” movie sequels seem to be the latest trend in Hollywood. In the past couple of years we’ve had to deal with sequels to movies like Rocky, and Indiana Jones, both of which were 15 years tardy. It’s not to say these films aren’t without merit. Personally I get excited when a film gets released after its franchise has been missing from theaters for close to a score. You can imagine the hefty amount of anticipation that builds up. What if the movie sucks after this huge gap of time? All that anticipation morphs together into one huge glowing energy ball and launches itself out of my stomach and rips right through the movie screen. Well, not exactly but it would actually be better if the ball traveled to the movie studios and knocked these stupid film producers right on their asses. They have no sense sometimes.

Did you ever think you were going to see a sequel to Better off Dead? Probably not, right? Well 23 years after the film was in theaters is a better time than any I’d say. Why not a sequel to The Secret of My Success (1987) while we’re at it? Or Real Genius? Any movie is fair game. The big wigs in Hollywood are so asinine that they think a lame unrelated sequel to an old school franchise is automatically going to be successful. That unfortunately isn’t the case and I’ll speak for the greater population while I say that we’d all like some new and refreshing plots and engaging films. Did you ever think of how scared movie producers are to invest their money? A smart way to sell them an original script is by saying they could package their movie as “Wes Craven Presents” or as “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” like today’s shameful example. The film was 21 years too late but lucky for us it only sucked about 90 minutes of our time away from our lives. Shit, I almost became a vampire by watching it because it sucked so much life out of me. Oh yeah…and it just sucked in general.

I’m a loyal fan of the first Lost Boys, and seeing it in theaters when it was released really had an impact on me. I would say that regardless of how many Universal horror films and Dracula movies I watched as a kid, that The Lost Boys started my fascination with vampires. That’s a heavy load to carry…a load that smells like Frog juice (for those of you with a wet bar: mix raw egg, garlic, and holy water).

Lost Boys: The Tribe was a lame excuse for a sequel. It basically just used the name “Lost Boys” and the character of Edgar Frog played by Corey Feldman. The rest of it is “The O.C meets The Lost Boys.” The characters, especially the villains, get killed off quickly and we don’t even get much of a chance to love them or hate them. The introduction of Edgar Frog seems uneven in the film. Personally I think the script was written as a typical vampire film and then reworked after the producers lured The Feldster back in the mix. Well who cares, as long as Corey Feldman is back! He’s the man in this film and the highlight of the entire movie. He looks like he’s having a lot of fun playing Edgar Frog again and it’s a damn shame that he doesn’t have, at the very least, the success of his Goonies counterpart Sean Astin.

Speaking of The Goonies, utter suckyness aside, Lost Boys the Tribe spent a lot of time referencing a bunch of films. The blatant references became ridiculous at times. It seemed like the filmmakers wanted to name drop movies to be cool with the hipsters. You know those people…the ones who latch onto things way too late but they think they discovered something new.

Here’s a list of movie references from Lost Boys: The Tribe

10:12 Yes, The Tribe references…wait for it…The Lost Boys! There’s a short montage reminiscent of one in the original where various “strange” people around town are shown. This guy is clearly supposed to represent how Tim Cappello’s (greased up sax player singing “I Still Believe”) character would look 20 years later. The Tribe only wishes they had something as cool as a greased up WWE looking sax player singing that badass song. It would’ve worked wonders. If The Tribe is a hideous zit, then greasy Tim Cappello is the Clearasil.

13:23 “…Yes leave our address at the creepy Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer, it’s a good plan”
17:11 Besides Corey Feldman’s flawless performance, this reference is the films only saving grace: “You mean to say the two of you have never heard of The Goonies? You are in for a very serious treat.” Truer words were never spoken! Maybe 17 minutes into the film the DVD player actually just starts playing The Goonies instead and Lost Boys The Tribe was actually all a big joke! That’s marketing genius. Let’s sell more copies of The Goonies! I wonder if the same people who made Vice Versa and Trading Places feel like making “Edgar Frog meets Clark “Mouth” Devereaux?” If so then I’m offering to direct it.
18:48 “…ties the whole room together kinda like that rug in The Big Lebowski”
1:00:39 You don’t get much more blatant than this: “Warriors! Come out to Play-ay!”
1:10:12 While it’s not really a movie, I had to throw it in: “That’s still something I can see on my Girls Gone Wild Box Set…”

All the movie references in the world wouldn’t have saved this piece of trash, even Haim’s bizarre appearance in an alternate ending. Please, someone important hire Corey Feldman so he can finally get his due! And get all of us who watched Lost Boys: The Tribe a mind wipe from that Haitian guy on Heroes so we won’t have to remember sitting through it.