The Beat The Meat Gift Basket Went Over BIG!

My man Matt f’n Porter had the same idea as I did. He left a comment telling me to shoot some video of whoever opens the gift basket, and I was one step ahead of him! I remembered not to leave without my camera! (If you didn’t read the previous post, now is a good time.) I was very close to coming home with the latest Rihanna CD, but luckily, someone stole them from me when it was their turn. I applauded the guy who wanted to take them off my hands. Yeah, seriously…it was a guy. It was time for me to open another gift and so I took home a bunch of scratch off lotto tickets that scored me $13 dollars, so that wasn’t a bad deal. Now check out how the BTM gift basket went over:

*The Sexy Armpit’s Twitter account background has been redesigned. It’s not a major overhaul or anything, but if you are a perceptive one then you will notice it’s new and improved sheen.
*There will be several more posts coming to you from The Sexy Armpit before Christmas so come back again this week!

Someone Will Get This Tonight…

meat,summer sausage,gift basket
Is this classy, or what? This is how we do it in Jersey.

I’m basically a hermit, so asking me to go to your gift swapping party is almost like asking me to venture into the massive crowd in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. I wouldn’t say I have a case of social anxiety, but I’m definitely the polar opposite of Randal Graves in Clerks, who hates people but loves gatherings.
What you see above is The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket, and one unsuspecting guest will tear open a ghetto looking package wrapped in A Christmas Story paper, only to see that this is their gift. I’m seriously hoping some random middle aged woman with a reindeer sweater winds up being the recipient of this, the ultimate gift basket.
The BTM gift basket’s versatility proves to be the mark of just how amazing this gift really is. If a dude is lucky enough to pick the number and rip into this one, he’ll most likely be ecstatic. If a chick opens this, she’ll most likely say “Oh my gawd…I’ve been meaning to buy a meat tenduhryza!” (That’s apparently how we talk here in Jersey) and be genuinely excited to have another kitchen utensil to add to their collection. But then there’s other girls who will nonchalantly mumble a raunchy comment about how they could take the entire summer sausage with no problems, and then, naturally, saying “I’m just kidding!…” but they aren’t. If an older woman gets the basket, they’ll most likely be fairly disgusted at how smutty of an idea this was and whoever came up with it should burn in hell, even in this time of joy and peace. Ahh well, they’ll make the sign of the cross and then it’ll be done with, all the while remembering fondly their college days when they were able to take 2 of those summer sausages with ease. If an older guy gets the BTM gift basket, without hesitation, he’ll be making his way to the DVD player as soon as the other people start concentrating on the next person opening their gift. After that, he’s in the bathroom doing himself dirty. Finally, I just hope there’s no kids opening presents tonight, but their parents have probably been meaning to give them “the talk,” and they’ll be seeing it sooner or later anyway.
So, if you go to any gift swapping parties this year, remember to give the gift of meat and breasts this holiday season with The Sexy Armpit’s “Beat The Meat” gift basket.