The Hall and Oates Gift Tin? Say It Isn’t So!

Every year I accompany Miss Sexy Armpit to a Christmas gift swap party that her sister and brother in law hold. I usually try to conjure up an oddball gift, and last year’s Beat the Meat Gift Basket was a big hit. You can watch the video of that HERE. This year I assembled quite a gift. The Hall and Oates Gift Tin included a $10 dollar iTunes gift card, Hall and Oates Greatest Hits, a full variety pack of Quaker Oatmeal, and 2 packs of Halls Breezers cough drops. All together the value of the entire gift was over $30 since I also included the lovely Wal-Mart Christmas tin. 

The tin sat there under the tree the entire length of the swap. It was as if people knew that it might be the lamest gift there so they stayed away. Even after several chants of “Take the Tin!” and heckles such as “Open the tin” “Hey, there’s a cookie tin there!” and “The Tin, The Tin, The Tin!” It remained unopened. Finally, when the last person’s turn came they ignored the last gift which was the tin under the tree and opted to steal a gift. So the person who got their gift stolen was forced to open what was left under the tree.

Unfortunately, the wordplay was lost on it’s recipient. The poor guy didn’t even know who Hall and Oates was! I didn’t think that was possible! Six #1 hits on the Billboard charts and he never heard of them? Was he was born in the ’90s or was he just “OUT OF TOUCH?” HAHAHAHA! In the end I made out like a bandit. There wasn’t much to choose from since most gifts usually involve alcohol, or blankets. I zeroed in on the $25 dollar iTunes gift card that I stole from an innocent party goer. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually steal her gift, in the game you’re allowed to forego your shot at a new gift and steal someone else’s that they’ve already unwrapped. It’s a cruel world.

Gross Observations #1

Allow me to introduce you to a new column here on It’s one I’ve been waiting to unveil and now I finally can. It’s a post where I can shoot off all of my random ponderings from the outright stupid to the strange and bizarre. I hope you enjoy it.

Why does it seem that girls always love bread?

Have you ever been watching a movie that had lightning and thunder in it and the weather outside is the same and you can’t differentiate which one is real?

I’d like to establish a museum of artifacts and set pieces from Kristy Swanson’s catalog of films, known as the Swansonian. The first additions will be the bra she wore in Zebra Lounge, and her cheerleader uniform from Buffy.

If you’re egotistical and a huge fan of Lo-mein…does that make you a MegaLoMeiniac?

Ever since I started driving, if I’m on the parkway or turnpike and I pass and exit or an overhead sign I pretend that they’re checkpoints and I’m in the Sega game OUT RUN.

When I was in elementary school there was a game we played in computer class on the Macintosh where you solved math problems and each time you got one right you got to add another part to an alien you were building. It was pretty radical. I can’t remember the name of it though…anyone know it?
I was heading to the mall not to long ago and I had to walk through Macy’s to get there. While walking through there I heard a techno remix version of “I Can’t Go For That” by Hall and Oates! Is there anything that isn’t sacred nowadays? Every song gets a pulsing bassline put behind it and it becomes a club banger. What’s happened to the world? Next thing you know the National Anthem will have a club mix. Shit please don’t get any ideas!

If a crazy person begins to go insane while using dental floss would it be proper to call it mental floss? If so, then a Dental institution a place to house for crazy insane dentists?

If Sara Lee made “Ass flavored pie” and you actually wanted some…you’d say “Can I have a piece of ass?”

A memory only exists in the human mind, right? So this very second isn’t even really happening at all because by definition this very second is stored as a memory and therefore only exists in our minds.

I got weirded out the other day. As I was driving home I passed the local gun shop and I saw 2 attractive but fidgety girls walk in. Nothing sexist, but I couldn’t help but wonder about it. You don’t always see attractive girls go into gun shops. I’m not saying that they were buying firearms to shoot their cheating boyfriend or anything but I’m not going to say they weren’t. I don’t see alot of attractive girls going skeet shooting or anyone for that matter.

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment that poppy seeds don’t have a taste…and I totally think they do.

People who say “expecially” instead of especially piss me off.

Too many girls paint their eyebrows on.

You must’ve heard people say “THEY don’t make ’em like THEY used to.” Who are THEY? I’d like to visit the place where they DO make them like they used to. If I go there I wonder if they’ll rebut and say “Hey WE DO make them like we used to dammit!” Maybe they live on Planet Pronoun one of the planets that hasn’t been discovered yet. It’s a glorious place where cars and TV sets last 25 years. “THEY say it’s not good for you.” Over there, guess what? It’s all good for you! You can eat all the cheeseburgers you want but THEY also say it’s not O.K to use pronouns all the time.