Gross Observations 3: Perverted, Sex, Porn Edition

Not since the dark times…not since the Empire have I done an installment of Gross Observations. It’s been a while so here’s a brand new one for you! If you didn’t get to read the the first 2 installments then by all means click on these links to be magically transported right to them! Gross Observations 1, Gross Observations 2: Holiday Edition ’07.

What I want to know is…who’s the guy who’s getting a girl off using veggies? It’s just not a turn on for me. Either way, is it HIS turn on or HERS? Like George Carlin used to say, “these are the kinds of things that kept me out of the really good schools.”

CREEP: “Hey sweetie, I’m going to do something extra special for you tonight!”

SKANK: “Oh yeah, well then you better mean that you’re taking me straight to the produce department.”
CREEP: Sure honey, cucumbers, zucchini, whatever you want! it’s your night!

If you wind up scoring with a girl who’s a whore wouldn’t that be considered “Scwhoring?”

Is it just me, or do you find it a little uncomfortable when another guy decides to strike up a conversation in the john? You know, the kind of conversation that doesn’t end with a one word answer! These assholes really want to get in-depth! Talk about an inopportune time.

I’m sick of hearing from other guys how abnormal it is that I don’t like girls who have overinflated basketballs for boobs. I’ll take the A cup over the D+ cup any day. I’m fairly sure that there’s a report card correlation there as well. I keed, I keed. All women with big boobs are smart, you know that!

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment to me that poppy seeds don’t have a taste, but I totally think they do so F off. In addition to their mellow taste, among other uses, the poppy was considered an aphrodisiac.

One time while on an image search for “The Hole,” a movie starring the girl who’s unaware she’s my fiance, Keira Knightley, I saw a picture of a girl sans pants and underwear with her legs up. This usually is par for the course in an image search but this pic was different. I looked closer and noticed that the chick had a black jagged circle design tattooed around her anus. What possesses these people to do such stupid crap? Aside from having a tattoo artist handle your rear entrance for an extended period of time, you would think that it might hurt…just a little?!?! Ya think?

Another time as I was navigating the interweb, not doing anything abnormal, I actually saw a headline on a video site that read “Young hottie forced to chop firewood naked.” What the hell? Is this a scenario that you look for in your online porn? Chopping is not an action that I think about when I’m fantasizing. CHOPPING WOOD? That isn’t the best choice of words when you’re trying to enjoy yourself. “Young hottie” is a good way to end that sentence. Chopping firewood naked? Way to set the stage. That doesn’t even make sense. Why would she have to do that anyway? I don’t find that arousing. It kinda makes me feel bad that this girl is going through all that work just because one guy, Walter, in Montana has a firewood chopping fetish. Or he’s out of firewood and after he banged his girlfriend she offered to go chop some wood for the fire. She forgot to put her clothes on. She better chop the shit out of that wood. She’s freezing her ass off and wants to get inside by the fire.

Ever notice how these sex sites refer to some skanky ass, gross, makeup smeared girl as alluring?? She looks like she just vomited up the Titanic. Not the DVD, the actual SHIP itself. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then think Courntey Love after she was mauled by pitbulls and had an aluminum bat shoved down her throat.

You know when you’ve got to pee really bad but for some reason you can’t undo your pants button or zipper? You begin to panic because you’re really preparing to piss yourself. Usually the zipper will finally work at the very last millisecond. How can a grown man have this problem? I really believe that our bladders have GPS and sense where toilets are and just release. When we’re all filled up I don’t think our brain has much say in the matter.

This is a question for any male visitors. Who gets aroused looking at a woman trying to shove a bowling pin up her snatch? Really, who seeks this kind of thing out? It would make sense if it was a guy who was bowling obsessed but otherwise I don’t know who the hell would want to look at that crap. In the immortal words of Al Bundy: “Steeee-Rike!”

Gross Observations #1

Allow me to introduce you to a new column here on It’s one I’ve been waiting to unveil and now I finally can. It’s a post where I can shoot off all of my random ponderings from the outright stupid to the strange and bizarre. I hope you enjoy it.

Why does it seem that girls always love bread?

Have you ever been watching a movie that had lightning and thunder in it and the weather outside is the same and you can’t differentiate which one is real?

I’d like to establish a museum of artifacts and set pieces from Kristy Swanson’s catalog of films, known as the Swansonian. The first additions will be the bra she wore in Zebra Lounge, and her cheerleader uniform from Buffy.

If you’re egotistical and a huge fan of Lo-mein…does that make you a MegaLoMeiniac?

Ever since I started driving, if I’m on the parkway or turnpike and I pass and exit or an overhead sign I pretend that they’re checkpoints and I’m in the Sega game OUT RUN.

When I was in elementary school there was a game we played in computer class on the Macintosh where you solved math problems and each time you got one right you got to add another part to an alien you were building. It was pretty radical. I can’t remember the name of it though…anyone know it?
I was heading to the mall not to long ago and I had to walk through Macy’s to get there. While walking through there I heard a techno remix version of “I Can’t Go For That” by Hall and Oates! Is there anything that isn’t sacred nowadays? Every song gets a pulsing bassline put behind it and it becomes a club banger. What’s happened to the world? Next thing you know the National Anthem will have a club mix. Shit please don’t get any ideas!

If a crazy person begins to go insane while using dental floss would it be proper to call it mental floss? If so, then a Dental institution a place to house for crazy insane dentists?

If Sara Lee made “Ass flavored pie” and you actually wanted some…you’d say “Can I have a piece of ass?”

A memory only exists in the human mind, right? So this very second isn’t even really happening at all because by definition this very second is stored as a memory and therefore only exists in our minds.

I got weirded out the other day. As I was driving home I passed the local gun shop and I saw 2 attractive but fidgety girls walk in. Nothing sexist, but I couldn’t help but wonder about it. You don’t always see attractive girls go into gun shops. I’m not saying that they were buying firearms to shoot their cheating boyfriend or anything but I’m not going to say they weren’t. I don’t see alot of attractive girls going skeet shooting or anyone for that matter.

I’m always eating poppy seed bagels and so many people comment that poppy seeds don’t have a taste…and I totally think they do.

People who say “expecially” instead of especially piss me off.

Too many girls paint their eyebrows on.

You must’ve heard people say “THEY don’t make ’em like THEY used to.” Who are THEY? I’d like to visit the place where they DO make them like they used to. If I go there I wonder if they’ll rebut and say “Hey WE DO make them like we used to dammit!” Maybe they live on Planet Pronoun one of the planets that hasn’t been discovered yet. It’s a glorious place where cars and TV sets last 25 years. “THEY say it’s not good for you.” Over there, guess what? It’s all good for you! You can eat all the cheeseburgers you want but THEY also say it’s not O.K to use pronouns all the time.