What’s In My Cart at Wal-Mart?

Posted on by sexyarmpit

I usually hesitate before I write a post about a Dorito flavor. I know everyone and their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s going to post about it. I try my best not to write about what everyone else is writing about (excluding The Dark Knight of course!) even if that means I won’t be getting as many hits. You can ignore all that though because I’m about to contradict myself.
PIZZA and RANCH? Holy crap. This was another instance of me walking through the aisles at Wal-Mart and actually having my eyes bulge out of my sockets like Roger Rabbit. What’s my policy when first noticing a new Doritos flavor? BUY 2. I’m better off because with my luck I’ll love them and go back to the store to buy more and find out that the “limited editionness” of them wasn’t actually a ploy. There’s always a chance they may become extinct from shelves so always buy 2!!! Unless they’re Mountain Dew flavor, then you may as well feed both packages to the Pigeons and let them have their Epiphany day where their messiah is scattered all over the ground. To them, all they’ll see is a a luscious, glowing, triangular nacho chip speckled with radioactive dust.

I’m definitely one of those people who considers themselves a Doritos connoisseur. Believe it or not I know a few people who despise Doritos. I don’t know how you can’t like them! Personally, I don’t enjoy regular, greasy potato chips. They don’t turn me into one of those wild and crazay guys like the Doritos do.

I’d say these are my definite favorite out of the Doritos Collisions Line. Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch come in a close second and 3rd place would be the Hot Wings and Blue Cheese. In the Pizza Cravers/Ranch scenario the pizza flavor tastes much like the last time they showed up in the late ‘90s. If you never tasted them the seasoning is very similar to Pizzarias! Remember them? Now they kicked ass! Do they actually taste like pizza? Well maybe if you think really hard, close your eyes…oh and it may work better if you’re under the influence of a hallucinogen. The Ranch flavor actually tasted more appealing to me than the classic Cool Ranch. They’re Cool Ranch minus the COOL, because they’re just so smooth. They’re like a blanket made of ranch flavored velvet. Pizza Cravers and Ranch make a great combination of flavors. Apparently there’s a cult of people who dip their pizza crust in ranch dressing. I don’t have a membership card to that crew but hey, go for it! I’ll stick to the Doritos! BUY 2!

What did I conquer next? A couple of hot chicks on a cereal box. OK, so I admitted to playing with Barbie’s when I was a kid…but it was only ONCE OK? I figured since I did write about the piece of ass Barbie dolls that are on store shelves, then it’s almost a requirement that I pick these up:

I really couldn’t resist. I’m still on a quest to find a cereal that tastes like Oops! All Berries, which are quite possibly the best cereal ever made since Smurfberry Crunch. Since those 2 Godsends disappeared, I’ve never tasted anything so good. In the back of my head I can only hope they taste halfway decent. That will make up for me having a box of “limited edition” Barbie cereal in my shopping cart. I “manned” up my cart though, don’t worry. I threw in some Mach 3 Turbo razors, and Salsa. That’s a man’s pickup! I also had some night lights so mixed with the Barbie cereal that could either mean I’m a total pussy and afraid of the dark, or I have a little daughter who’s been having nightmares and I’m showing concern for her by buying her limited edition multi grain breakfast cereal. Neither one is true, I just yearned for a good cereal that would bring me back to…yeah…I’m gonna say it: Yesteryear. lol.

I JUST OPENED THE BOX…

Like the Target lady played by Kristen Wiig on SNL says HOORAY! My deduction was correct, this Barbie cereal is amazing! If you were a fan of Oops! all Berries then you will enjoy this because it has a very similar taste, PLUS marshmallows and two hot chicks on the front of the box! You can’t go wrong so THANK YOU BARBIE LIMITED EDITION MULTI GRAIN CEREAL WITH MARSHMALLOWS! You saved us! The Sexy Armpit says BUY 2!

So, have you had any whacked out purchases lately?

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Barbie: This is Why She’s Hot!

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Skipper was the younger, more experimental sister of Barbie. She was certainly trendy but not as mature as Barbie was in terms of her chest region. Skipper was just discovering the world right along with me. Her and I had alot of chemistry. We both loved the beach and doing other cool stuff like well…going to the beach. You see, when I was 4 years old, it was much more appealing to be involved with an energetic, fresh faced, blue-eyed blonde with spunk than a twenty-something skank who’s been around the block more times than an ice cream truck. She was right up my alley because she was young, petite, and had blonde hair. She was everything I looked for in a girl. Skipper’s appearance changed numerous times throughout the years but the cute, blonde skipper is the one I remember.

Skipper seemed filled with a lust for life that Barbie seemed to have lost. The thought of Skipper being closer to me in age really grabbed me. I felt like I had more of a chance with her. Barbie was off in her Dream House with Ken biting her pillow while the vulnerable, impressionable, and parentless Skipper didn’t have much to do. I felt like even though I was younger than her I could sort of rescue her from her older sisters neglect and out of control cocaine habit. Remember, it was the ‘80s.

She wasn’t a promiscuous teenager either. She liked the chase. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be with her. When Barbie was babysitting Skipper, I would come and hang out with both of the hotties. And naturally, my chances were a lot better with Skipper, although if Ken was at work who knew what types of debauchery could take place in the DREAM HOUSE! OK so, nothing really badass happened like that but I did get to “explore” quite a bit.

I remember being very distressed over the fact that Skipper shared the same name as a character on Gilligan’s Island, a show I watched relentlessly as a kid. Lets face it, Skipper wasn’t really nautical in any way but who said Barbie dolls made any sense? I can’t provide a good reason as to why Skipper had numerous other ludicrous nicknames. Let’s take a look at some: Hot Stuff Skipper, Horse Loving Skipper, (that‘s just wrong, why didn‘t they just name her Bestiality Skipper?) Super Teen Skipper, (what a coincidence, something just popped up on my computer screen that said Super Teen Stripper) And finally, talk about overlap, there was Sun Lovin’ Malibu Skipper and Sunsational Malibu Skipper!

While I was very young I was attracted to Skipper but as I started to get a little older I began to appreciate the finer things in life. As a few years past, Jem and the Holograms opened new doors for me. What could I say, I liked the rock chicks with big hair. Not only in cartoons but in real life I was digging rocker chicks also. From Lita Ford to Vixen they had the spotlight when I was a kid.

So, my taste in women matured when Barbie suddenly decided she wanted to be a rock star. It was 1985 and Barbie wouldn’t let Jem and the Holograms steal her thunder: “No way bitch I’ve been around for 25 years and I could rock out too.” Hence Barbie and the Rockers were born. What 7 year old boy wasn’t at least a little turned on by Barbie and Rockers? Okay probably NONE of you. But they did have their own stage and instruments!
Chicks with multicolored hair have always been a huge turn on for me. Chances are, if you have any type of neon color running through your hair I’ll think it’s cool. I’m easily sold. Perhaps this was a residual effect from the Jem period of my youth?

This article doesn’t mean I have some kind of weird doll fetish but DAMN people have fetishes for everything nowadays. There’s porn of cartoon characters which baffles me. How anyone can get off to that is beyond me. I seriously wouldn’t doubt there’s a niche for doll erotica. This article is merely about the shock that came over me when I realized, “Holy Shit, Barbie is f’n HOT!” Old school Barbie dolls were pretty generic looking dolls. They’ve gotten more glamorous and detailed over the years but they haven’t been closer to resembling an ACTUAL HOT CHICK than they do NOW! And Supergirl? Fughetabout it! Cosplay Barbies? Wowee. Who doesn’t love a girl dressed as Supergirl, Batgirl, or Wonder Woman? All of us geeky superhero obsessed dudes would take that any day. Ahem..If she wasn’t made of plastic that is.

What do you say after taking a look at some of these hot Barbie bitches? Keep in mind, I’ve taken these photos for research purposes only. Let’s be honest, what kind of creep stands around Toys ‘R Us and takes pictures of Barbie dolls with his phone? THIS CREEP! The following question is for guys, bisexual girls, and lesbians: Tell me if these dolls were real people you wouldn’t want to f–k them?
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Seduced by Barbie

Posted on by sexyarmpit

Throughout my life there’s been many reasons why people have questioned my sexuality. Perhaps it was my pink bandanna phase. I swore that it was inspired by Jesse “the Body” Ventura but no one ever believed me. “Yeah right Jay, sure…Jesse the Body…that‘s it!” Even during backyard wrestling matches I’d come out dressed up like the androgynous Goldust, face paint and all freaking everyone out. My lifelong obsessions with Madonna and Prince didn’t help the cause either. Hell, I’ve even been on the receiving end of a massage and a pedicure! Go ahead, call me metro sexual. Luckily though, in my defense, there’s never been any concrete evidence against me on the subject of questioning my sexuality. Until now that is…

You see, as a child growing up with an older sister it was extremely difficult to get her to do “boy things” with me. Somehow when my sister finally caved in on those random occasions, I found myself unfulfilled when she would play as the Princess Leia action figure. Of course if it was He-Man time, she would be Teela. She wasn’t the worst action figure player but she wasn’t quite in tune with the “scene” if you catch my drift. She didn’t know Eternia from Ecuador. Ram Man could’ve been a mythological creature who was half ram and half man for all she knew. But alas she gave it her best effort. My sister’s finest skills weren’t in the creating of an original storyline to have the action figures take part in but they were in merely setting up the figures as if they were going to be in some sort of photo shoot. She would say things like “Let’s put all the good guys over here and the bad guys over here.” She was very organizational with these plastic heroes of mine. I guess I didn’t mind either because at least she was paying attention to me. There’d be times when she actually would play with her Barbie dolls and do their hair and make sure they all had the right outfits on and then set them up against the wall to show them off. To my sister it seemed like the details were more important than what adventures her dolls would be partaking in.

When my sister was in her Barbie doll playing mood, she’d be on one side of the room while I’d be on the other with my action figures. At first I detested these Barbies but then after I watched her through the open mouth of castle gray skull I realized she was having a fabulous time. (There’s another strike against me, I just used the word FABULOUS!) It wasn’t that my figures and playsets weren’t fulfilling me it was just that she seemed like she was accomplishing something with her Barbie Dolls while I sat with a bunch of hunks of plastic and Moss Man. There was a lot more pressure on me to create my own little stories to act out with the Universe of He-Man, GI Joe, WWF, etc. She could sit there and throw Skipper on a horse and have a super good time while Barbie and Ken made out on a park bench. It was that easy. Dammit, you could have anything happen in the ginormous Barbie Dream house she had. Fuck, it was called a DREAM HOUSE! Anything could happen in it! My sister even had the Barbie yacht that floated around in the pool! Talk about a cool invention! She had the Barbie corvette and everything you could possibly think of. This was the early ‘80s when Barbie was expanding her hobbies and accessories beyond your wildest dreams. Barbie’s family and group of friends suddenly grew extensively as if she just found out that she had another entire family in a parallel universe.

With her Barbie collection there was so much to be enticed by. Meanwhile I had already planned Skeletor to invade Grayskull and rule Eternia about a bazillion times. Buzz Off was getting a little boring and Duke, Shipwreck, and Zartan were already fed up with my unoriginal plots that I’d been casting them in. Let’s just say one day we all had a little falling out and I defected to the OTHER side of the room…my SISTERS side of the room.

If you’ve ever seen the episode of That ‘70s show where Kelso lets Jackie do his hair and makeup and then puts him in a dress, that’s the way I felt that day but I had fun. This move was voluntary and purely for investigative purposes. Naturally as a young healthy boy I would never think of playing with Barbie dolls, unless Cobra was plotting a terrorist attack on Barbie’s Dream house. Nah, I didn’t have anything elaborate like that planned but it just looked like fun. After my sister showed me how to primp these bitches then I set off hot-rodding in her corvette and chillin’ out in the DREAM HOUSE. It was that day that I fell in love with a hot little piece of plastic and her name was Skipper.

To be continued…
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