Red Velvet Milk Is Liquefied Lusciousness

Red Velvet Cake Milk - Upstate Farms

No, you aren’t imagining things, Red Velvet Cake Milk by Upstate Farms is indeed a real product. Ever since the Red Velvet trend in cupcakes and birthday cakes started to take the dessert world by storm, companies have tried to weasel the red velvet flavor into everything edible.

To the shock of many, Red Velvet cake doesn’t entice me in any way. What is the appeal of this trendy flavor? Perhaps it’s the visual attraction to its deep red color. One thing is for sure, it’s usually women who have red velvet obsessions. Whatever it is about red velvet, I never thought it would be liquefied and made into a dessert dairy product.

As a skim milk guy, I feel like I’m being super indulgent whenever I drink whole milk. Since this is definitely not a low fat milk, I drank only half the bottle and then saved the other half for the next morning. But it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy it, quite the opposite actually. The milk was full of flavor, sweet but not sickeningly sweet, and I’d opt for this rather than consuming an actual slice of red velvet cake or a cupcake. I prefer all of my food in liquid form because I’m sort of lazy it makes the whole eating process easier and with less preparation.

The milk’s consistency is mucilaginous, almost like a thick paint for the walls of your newborn girl’s bedroom. It would be weird if red velvet milk tasted like red water, so the thickness made it more of a dessert, especially ice cold. Don’t get freaked out, it will make your spit turn red so you’ll think your mouth is bleeding afterward.

The label on the bottle boasts that it’s ORIGINAL which I found odd because it’s not the like the dairy section is besieged by red velvet cake flavored milk. I must hand it to Upstate Farms and their knack for converting desserts into milk. If you’re not into drinking cake from a bottle but you’re more of a Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream person, you may want to check out The Sexy Armpit’s review of Upstate Farms Mint Chip and Orange Scream Milk.