Notes on an ’80s Scandal: “Mr. Mom” Jack Butler’s Shocking Secret!


How many times have you heard the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce? I for one have heard it so many times that it makes me wonder why people get married in the first place. I take Gene Simmons stance on the subject, he remains “happily unmarried.” One of the most prominent reasons for rampant divorce is infidelity. Even the model husband is still not exempt from having his will power melted by some hot lingerie clad minx who’s bent on bedding him down.


Take the sexily milfish Joan (Ann Jillian) from Mr. Mom for instance. Her character was a divorcee whose main excitement consisted of grocery shopping, male revues, playing poker for coupons, and gossipping about daytime soaps. She didn’t fly into fiery jealous fits of rage and she never tried to make Jack’s wife Caroline’s life a living hell. She was slick and subtly made herself an accessible part of Jack’s life. Caroline wasn’t present that often in the household while she was pursuing her career, so Joan took advantage of a perfect opportunity to steal Jack’s affections away from her. She planned to be everything Caroline wasn’t. Unlike Caroline, Joan was enticed by Jack for who he was. She liked his beard, his old flannel shirt, and the fact that he gained a little bit of weight: “I like a man with a little meat on his bones.”


It wasn’t long before Jack had a dream involving Joan seducing him. We all know that’s the first step in realizing you want to bang someone. Let’s face it though, considering how thick she laid on the seduction sauce, it would’ve been pretty damn easy for Jack to fall into her clam trap. Alas, in the film Jack wakes up and the viewers can rest assured that it was only a dream. Don’t worry, our male-mom hero hasn’t cheated on his loyal wife. But has he?

The FBI agents here at The Sexy Armpit took a trip to the archives to view footage from the cutting room floor of Mr. Mom, and we found some interesting evidence. Actually, what we came across was more of a sex tape. Believe it or not folks, long before the days of Pam and Tommy, and Paris and Rick, Jack and Joan made a sex tape. Unfortunately, I do not have lawful clearance to show the footage to you, but I can clue those in who have an insatiable lust for the juicy tidbits: There was tons of anal.

Would you have been able to resist Ann Jillian knocking at your door, then opening her trench coat to reveal some sexy lingerie? Are you sure? She was ready to tend to Jack’s every want and need. I’m sure whatever fantasy he conjured up in his head she would’ve made it happen, after all, she was the original desperate housewife.

It wasn’t until recently when I made the connection and started gathering evidence to make my case. I realized that a few years later, in the 1989 film The ‘Burbs we have living, breathing proof of the Jack and Joan liaison in the headbanging neighbor, Ricky Butler. Ricky lived in Mayfield Place and relished in watching the hijinks his neighbors got themselves into. Just by his physical appearance I noticed the similarities Ricky had to Jack and Joan.


Ultimately, Jack Butler stayed with his wife Caroline but never admitted to her that he had actually bumped uglies with Joan. His sons Alex and Kenny grew up and were never aware they had a stepbrother. Listen up guys, your dad is a rotten cheating mr. man-whore! Joan never told anyone about her and Jack’s baby. Upon learning she was pregnant, Joan relocated to Mayfield Place when she realized she would never have Jack all to herself. (Incidentally, the set of The ‘Burbs is now used as the set for Desperate Housewives.) In her new neighborhood, she went on to become the town’s happy drunk and earned her title of town floozy. She decided that she wanted little Ricky to keep Jack’s last name in honor of her love for him. Little Ricky did not grow up to build cars like his dad, but he did become a skater/metalhead who obviously inherited ladies man status from his father: “Hey uhh Mrs. Rumsfield…no tan lines this morning…looks nice!”
Is it curious that we never actually see Ricky Butler’s parents in The ‘Burbs? In 1989, Michael Keaton was most likely too busy being Batman to make a cameo as Ricky’s estranged father. Let this be a lesson to all those bored homewrecking housewives out there: stop seducing your girlfriend’s hardworking husbands! Their almost non existent will power is no match for your shrewd womanly ways. A word to the wise: If you are going to pull a “Jack and Joan,” always keep in mind that you may just wind up with your own little mistake. Then again, who wouldn’t want a scraggly poster child for Vision Street Wear like Ricky Butler running around?

Film Review: The Last Kiss 2 1/2 stars

Have you ever wanted to hammer a few nails into your eyelids so they would stop opening? I figured if I did that I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the The Last Kiss starring Zach Braff. It was Saturday night and my girlfriend and I just wanted to relax and see what was On Demand. We came to The Last Kiss, and we both said we wanted to see it when it was in the theaters. The minute I clicked “watch” I was having second thoughts.

Upon seeing the trailer for this a month or so before it opened, I actually thought it looked pretty good. I didn’t really like Garden State, but I thought Braff turned in a good performance. The trailer was Rachel Bilson heavy, unlike the movie. The trailer also seemed like it might have been a romantic comedy, which is more tolerable than just a romance. What the movie turned out to be was completely different.

The Last Kiss was a film that explored Michael’s (Braff) feelings of apprehension about spending the rest of his life with the same woman. In the film, he described marriage as being “final.” His girlfriend Jenna (Jacinda Barrett) was pregnant with his child but they weren’t married yet. All of Michael’s friends were having issues with their girlfriends also. One of them, Kenny had a romp with a new girl he met and then bounced when she was about to introduce him to her parents. Naturally that’s the knee jerk reaction. Chris (Casey Affleck) couldn’t deal with the pressure of fighting with his girlfriend and taking care of their baby so he decided to leave her. I couldn’t stop thinking “what a downer this is!”

Michael needed to explore life away from his girlfriend and Kim (Rachel Bilson) was very cute, in college, and ready to slip her panties off. They meet at a wedding and they hit it off. Michael visits her at college and they eventually wind up having sex. (*To make matters worse Bilson doesn’t even get naked) Of course, Kim gets clingy for a moment. Michael claims he needed to be with someone else to realize how much he loved his girlfriend who caught him in a lie. After Jenna found out Michael was banging Bilson, she wouldn’t let him in the house as he pleaded her forgiveness. What a pansy. The End.

Who wants to watch a movie about a guy who gets caught cheating and gives up on life to sleep at her doorstop until she lets him back in? That’s the suckiest idea for a movie ever! The subplot was even worse. You have Jenna’s mom Anna played by Blythe Danner who is depressed about something. We find out that it’s because she thinks her husband is cold and uncaring. She’s also wrestling with the fact that she cheated on him with Egon Spengler a few years prior.

I can’t stand this trend of people cheating on each other in movies. There’s so much divorce and infidelity in real life I don’t care to watch it on screen. Movies are supposed to be escapism! It’s pretty sad. With all the negative stuff in life, wouldn’t you think people would want to watch a strong relationship depicted rather than have the burden of watching a couple with problems? The Last Kiss isn’t about infidelity, it’s about Michael’s struggle dealing with the status quo. Michael was scared of the long haul, but sleeping with another girl isn’t going to make Michael figure out what he really wants in life. Even if he marries Jenna he’ll still have those random urges to sleep with that piece of ass college girl who’s flirting with him.